Reflections (Warning: It’s long!)

[Anonymous]

Hey Everyone,

The other night before I went out with some friends, I wrote a note on Facebook about Church last Sunday. I just wanted to post it here and get some feedback on it. Please let me know what you think. Thank you!

So, I decided last Sunday to go to Church again. I have no idea why. I just felt on Saturday night that I should go, and I was glad that I did. Priesthood and Sunday School were ok, but Sacrament meeting in particular was what really got to me.

The talks given by the members were on the benefits of being a member of the Church, and there was one member in particular who gave a particularly strong talk/testimony of his own conversion to the Church. He had grown up Catholic, and when he joined the Church, his family was not happy with him. He served a mission for the Church, and while he was on his mission, he got a letter from his family saying that he needed to make alternate living arrangements because he was no longer welcome in their home. He was not gay or anything, it’s just that his family was Catholic and did not accept his beliefs. He talked about how it was he first discovered the Church, through a friend, and his subsequent gaining of a testimony.

It happened a lot like mine. No, I didn’t go out into the middle of a field and kneel down like Joseph Smith did, but this gentleman said that if Joseph Smith had enough faith that God would answer his prayer, then why couldn’t he answer this members? So this member went out into the middle of a field and prayed, and he got an answer. He says he remembers being on his knees in the middle of the field and sobbing for an hour as he realized he had gained a testimony and that he was indeed a child of God and that God is not dead, but he still very much speaks today.

As he was sharing this story in Sacrament meeting, tears began to stream down my face, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I couldn’t help but think back on my own time when I was investigating the Church, and my subsequent gaining of a testimony. I am a convert. I joined the Church in 2005, and I currently struggle with trying to remain an active member. But I remember when I got my testimony, I had been reading the Book of Mormon when it was given to me by a friend, and I called her up and asked “When am I going to get this testimony you speak of?” And she told me to just keep reading. So I did. Eventually I finished the Book of Mormon in 3 days, and I got down on my knees and asked God to show me if this book was true or not.

*DISCLAIMER* If you read the Book of Mormon with the intention of trying to find fault with it, or without a spirit of humbleness, you will not gain the testimony that is promised in it’s last pages. How do I know this? Because I tried it myself. You see, I was raised in a Pentecostal home, and had grown up with the view that Mormons were some kind of cult, evil, etc. So when I read the book through, I was constantly thinking in my head, “This is crazy…this will never work.” So I did not gain said testimony because of my own pride. *END OF DISCLAIMER*

Well, having said that, I set aside all of my pride and got down on my knees by my bedside, and asked God to show me if this book was true or not. I don’t really remember what happened next, but I do know I was somewhere in the middle of the book of Mosiah, when I gained my testimony. I have heard people say that testimonies are gained over time by doing simple things like praying, having faith, etc., and through the process of time they gradually gain their own witness. I did not have that type of an experience. Mine came like a bolt of lightning that hit me right between the eyes, and I swear it came right down from Heaven itself. It lasted about 15 seconds, but after that 15 seconds, there was no doubt WHATSOEVER in my mind about the truthfulness of this book, or the person who wrote it, or the Church he started.

I’m not going to get all preachy here, but I do know that God lives and loves all His children! He is not dead, and the Heavens are open to anyone who will have the faith to ask. I remember sobbing on my bed for nearly an hour as I tried to come to grips with the fact that I had missed such an important message my whole life.

So here I sit five years later, with the debate about gay marriage raging louder and stronger than ever, and all because of last weeks Church meeting, I have been sucked back in to the Church again. I walked away this time for eight months, my longest ever. My limited use temple recommend expired, and I didn’t care. But I do know that I need to go to Church again. I honestly don’t know how long I’ll last this time, but I want to do my best.

I struggle to remain a faithful Latter-Day Saint because I am gay. I hate the words “same-sex attracted”. Let’s call a spade a spade. Over the last week or two, I have had members of various support groups I used to belong to try to call me out on facebook and say that I have a live in boyfriend, that we have sex on a regular basis, and that he gives me money. I can tell you honestly, and I know that most of my friends who know me can tell you honestly, that this is not true. I am struggling right now trying to find my place in the Church as a gay member, when so much emphasis is placed on families. I know through personal revelation of my own that I will not get married in this life, so in the eyes of the Church I will not gain full salvation.

I struggle with my testimony at times, even though it is coming back little by little, as I do the simple things like pray, go to Church and things like that. Not only am I gay, but I also have an addiction to porn. (I’m sorry for those of you who can’t handle this aspect, I know it’s a bit much to be posting on Facebook, but I need to vent, and I want people to see the real me.) Porn is something I have struggled with since I was 15, when a friend of mine showed me after school one day some inappropriate website. It’s become such a problem that I’ve had to put up filtering software on my own computer, and even then I’m still afraid to get near it. I struggle with feelings of guilt and shame, not because I’m gay, but because of the porn addiction.

I have tried going to LDS family services support groups and other counseling, but quite frankly, I hate LDS family services. I think they do more damage to your psyche than good, and the support groups don’t help. They seem to make the problem worse, because by talking about it, it just gets reinforced into my head. I do believe that the Church wants us to succeed as human beings and for us to be happy, and they are doing the best they can. I also believe that they do not know what to do with their gay brothers and sisters, and so we get pushed to the wayside as the rest of the Church memberships tows the line.

I love my Church, and I do my best to try and live an honest and clean life, and support the Church leaders as much as I can, even if I don’t agree with some of the things they say, or agree with the way they handle things. I believe we have a Church that is led by men who are mortal, who make mistakes, who repent, and who are also trying the best they can. I think sometimes especially living in the Mormon culture of Utah, that we put Church leaders up on a pedestal and forget that they are humans as well, traveling through this veil of tears with some of the same day to day struggles that we all face. We all get tired. We all grow weary. I think that is human nature. While I am saddened by the current Church policy towards gays and lesbians, and the ignorance and self righteousness of some members, I do hope that someday in the not too distant future we can all come to an understanding that we are all a family, with all of our failures, insecurities, faults, quirks, and problems.

We are children of a loving Father in Heaven, each one of us with a unique set of circumstances and challenges. So unique in fact, that I’m almost certain that no one’s life or outlook is the same as another’s. I don’t really know what I am trying to say. I guess, that I want to become active again, but I’m not sure how active, because I have been hurt by the Church in the past. I am curious to know how many other active gay Mormons, especially among my friends, are out there, and how they gained their testimonies. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one.

If you don’t feel comfortable commenting on here, then please I hope you feel comfortable sending me an emai on Facebookl and letting me know where you are in your Church activity. (Please do by the way! It would help me a lot right now!) As much as I would like to, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely leave the Church, and I guess I’m just trying to deal with the paradox and enigma of being a gay Mormon, and finding out where I fit in to this massive universe we call home, and particularly where I fit into the plan of happiness as one of God’s gay children.

There is much more to my story, but I have rambled on far too long here. If you want to know more about it, talk to me on here, in person, send me an email, I don’t really care, just talk to me if you want to know more. To anyone who has made it all the way through this, thank you for reading, and know that I am OK, I just needed a place to vent my thoughts. If you are going to comment on my note, please keep it nice. The last thing I want to do is start another war. I love you all and while we all my not agree, I look forward to your comments and emails.

~Kyle

[Anonymous]

I edited the post to add paragraphs – then deleted the comments about it not having paragraphs. (Kyle, just separate the text every three or four sentences. Who cares if it’s “paragraphically” correct.)

Don’t worry about starting a war here, Kyle. If it even started, I would shut down the discussion, but it doesn’t happen here.

There’s a lot to digest and address in your post, so I might not comment right away – but I’m sure the responses you will get will be wide and varied and not condemnatory. It certainly won’t be argumentative, even if some of us end up disagreeing with each other.

Argumentative just isn’t how we roll. 🙄 (I used that emoticon, because the text enters as “roll”. Just sayin’. )

[Anonymous]

Kyle,

I think it was brave of you to post this on Facebook. I’m no where near ready to share my faith crisis with anyone other than a few VERY close friends and my husband. So much changes over time and I just want to allow those changes to occur without others labelling me anything.

I also think that your journey within the LDS church will be difficult. Can you really be who you are within the church? Is the church a healthy place for you? I don’t know the answers, but it seems like a huge undertaking. You have a testimony and that is so beautiful. Now, how to make that testimony fit within the organization/institution that is filled with people who don’t understand where you are coming from. Perhaps you could see yourself as a pioneer, blazing the trail for other Gay mormons.

My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

I agree with canadiangirl. Based on what you said, I think it’s courageous that you want to be an active member of the church but I’m not sure it’s the healthiest thing to do right now. My brother is a recovering sex/porn addict as well and based on what I know from him, the shame and guilt that you feel around porn is probably a big part of your addiction.

Have you sought out a 12-step program? You’re a good person. You have no reason to feel shame and guilt. It does not come from God. We create shame and guilt for ourselves based on emotional brokenness. Embrace yourself and love yourself truly in the same way that an unconditionally loving God would love His child.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

We all get tired. We all grow weary. I think that is human nature. While I am saddened by the current Church policy towards gays and lesbians, and the ignorance and self righteousness of some members, I do hope that someday in the not too distant future we can all come to an understanding that we are all a family, with all of our failures, insecurities, faults, quirks, and problems…

I’m not gay kmullin and can’t fully understand your personal crisis of faith, but I agree with this comment 100% and I sympathize/empathize with your current struggles to remain LDS. I have no advice, no magical words, nothing except I wish you the best in your spiritual journey.

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