- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Well, today I was released from my calling as sunday school teacher for the youth. It is the first time ever in my life that I have been released because I requested it. It is really difficult for me, however, I feel under my current circumstances that I cannot continue to teach the youth when I am in doubt through the whole lesson. I have tried to pick and choose the parts that I do agree with and teach those, but at this point, they just aren’t enough, and I don’t have the mental energy to keep it up. I told the leadership that I am under a lot of stress right now at home, which is true, and that I just can’t do it, which they accepted without questioning, which was really nice. On another note, it seems to me that the majority of people on this forum are disaffected spouses, with their spouse still a TBM. My situation is that my husband is completely disaffected and just hasn’t gotten around to sending the paperwork to have his name taken off of the records. I am now disaffected, and find myself active still mainly to avoid conflict with my TBM parents and siblings. I also have no idea what I would tell my eight year old daughter who loves church if I decided to completely become inactive. What I am wondering is, would any of you still be going to church if your spouse became disaffected as well? Would you stay for extended family relationships? I enjoy church and could see myself going on an as needed basis, however, I still have the ‘all or nothing’ mindset, and I can’t see myself raising my children as semi-active, I feel that I either need to embrace the whole package or get out. I know how my children will be treated and looked at, and how I will be looked at if I stay and am only partially active, and I don’t want my kids to feel like second class members, or resent me for not living the teachings fully…
How do you all deal with these issues?
I’m in the same boat. My wife is TBM and my daughter loves the Church. If they weren’t part of this equation, I would take a long break. I would start going to other Churches to experience spirituality that way. I would get more involved in community organizations etcetera. However, don’t underestimate the positive influence on your kids. It is what has kept me going and working at being positive. I also don’t want to destroy my marriage either, although I know this isn’t an issue since your husband is also disaffected.
My daughter says she loves being a Mormon due to the clean living. My son came out with a list of goals and showed them to me the other day — get a good job, serve a mission, get married in the temple, etcetera. All worthy things to aspire to for those who believe them. Now that he has learned to write, he put them on a piece of paper and posted it on his wall, and he’s only 7.
LIke you I’m finding it really hard to teach my own Sunday School class. Spirituality is gone. I don’t know what to do other than try to really retrench and give the TBM approach to spirituality one more last shot. And see what happens…..I feel like someone who has always really tried to live the gospel and do what is expected, and yet I keep getting burned in the process to the point I question my beliefs.
Good luck.
Road, I have been fortunate, in that over the last year as I’ve become more frustrated and vocal about my mormon beliefs, I have found out my wife was very much NOT a TBM as I had originally thought, but a stage 5 mormon — who was merely waiting for me to catch up. Now that I am fully into stage 4 mormonism, and have reached the brink, the very edge of tipping the scales, we are also in a very similar dilemma as yourself. My wife really doesn’t believe the claims of the LDS church anymore than I do – but she accepts the church as it is and doesn’t care because she doesn’t have a “i know the church is true” testimony. “…it’s just one pathway amongst many that one can use to find god…”
What do we do about the kids? My wife actually “gave me permission” to quit the whole thing if I wanted to because it was doing me more harm than good, and she would keep going for the kids sake. I’m not going to do that. We are “staying in” but we ARE NOT going to hide behind the TBM cultural standards any longer. We have decided to attempt to transcend the LDS cultural boundaries while staying “semi-active.” No more guilt trips. No more martyrdom. No more “follow your local priesthood leaders” or be damned mentality. No more TR and the angst that goes with it. No more 5 callings just to keep the branch going. No more stress about white shirts and tithing settlements.No more, no more no more. We will take the good and leave the rest. If the church is okay with that, we will stay. If they are not, we will go.
You might say, we are slowly inoculating our kids, and hoping that they will understand it all eventually. We are also really not going to worry about if our kids are TBM either. If they go on missions – great. If they get married in the temple – fine —- but it is no longer going to be the focus of our church experience. We will use the church as a tool to teach our kids some correct principles — how to find peace, how to find the spirit, how to make good choices. When they turn 18 and leave the house, they can make their own choice in regards to religion.
SilentDawning wrote:LIke you I’m finding it really hard to teach my own Sunday School class.
SD and Road – I understand this, and currently I am the youth sunday school teacher as well – even though I have only been to church once in the last 7 weeks. I have struggled, and struggled with the whole hypocrisy angle of teaching things I don’t believe. I will continue with this assignment however, starting next week, because I have both a 15 year old daughter and a 13 year old son in my class that I teach. I will teach them what I want them to know. I use this time to REALLY teach some good savior centered principles and core spiritual beliefs. I rarely follow the manual anymore, and I can get away with it because of my situation with the branch. Yes, some weeks there are other kids in the class, so I have to be careful. I doubt you could do what I do in most wards, and I don’t hold it against anyone who finds themselves unable to continue with these teaching callings.
At one point my answer would have been much different than it is today… but today if my wife became disaffected, YES I would still go. There are many reasons that I go, and in fact the reasons would be few and small to keep me away. Today I go for my own spirituality and personal growth, for the growth and structure for my kids, for the tradition of my ancestors, for my sense of community and fellowship… I may not see everything in the same way as other members, but really who does? We all see things according to our own understanding and experience. Four years ago I wouldn’t have imagined it, but today I’m in. We are both disaffected. Staying for family and cultural reasons at this point mostly. My wife left the Church. She does not believe or attend at all. Our kids are mostly inactive. The two youngest go to activity days / cub scouts, and one daughter occasionally attends on Sunday with me or sometimes with a good friend whose Mom attends regularly. I like Church. I like many of the people, and participating in the classes. I especially like getting to know the “fringe” and more liberally-believing people in the ward. There are many more than are commonly seen.
But I am pretty comfortable setting my boundaries and taking the Church into my life as I need it (which includes mostly serving others, not just “taking”).
Brian Johnston wrote:But I am pretty comfortable setting my boundaries and taking the Church into my life as I need it…
this is something I have failed miserably at doing.
if i had a daughter who wanted to keep going to church and enjoyed it, i would go for her sake, but also making sure to teach her the gospel as you see it when you’re at home. imo this is especially important, since your daughter is primary age. they often get super heavy doses of “obey, obey, obey the prophet no matter what” in primary, which i’m guessing you don’t agree with….. if i didn’t have family reasons for staying, i would probably spend some time checking out other churches and religions. i would probably attend the LDS church every other week, or once a month, and spend time with other faith groups the rest of the time. i personally do see great value in setting aside one day a week to increase spirituality, in whatever way works for you. i’ve suggested to DH that every once in a while we do something uplifting on a sunday, other than going to church. we’ll see if i can convince him, he’s not an orthodox member by any means, but neither is he disaffected like me.
I’ve considered asking to be released from my calling, and part of me is envious that you did it! but i do really love the kids i teach (8/9 adn 9/10 combined), and i would miss them. also, i kind of worry that if i’m released, a crazy super orthodox person will be called to replace me, and teach them crazy stuff
Quote:it seems to me that the majority of people on this forum are disaffected spouses, with their spouse still a TBM.
No, not necessarily. Some single, divorced and happily married people on here too.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.