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This week has been a tough one. Too many things have just kind of hit me at the same time. The trifecta of religious pain. A couple years ago, one of our ward members told a mother of a LGBT son, “It’s terrible that the youth aren’t treating him better at church. Now, I understand why they wouldn’t talk to him at school, but at church they should do better”
This is the attitude that we are dealing with.
I have never considered resignation before.
This week, I find myself considering it.
I think what is holding me back is a fear of drama. I don’t want any added drama in my life.
Has anyone had any experience with resignations?
This pain is just intolerable.
Are you talking about sending a letter of resignation to remove your records from the Church? I don’t have any personal experience with it, other than watching a bishop’s process of needing to contact the person and trying to talk to them prior to it being processed so it is fully understood that the person understands what is done when the name is removed from the records of the church.
I would think the first step of wanting to not be around church people anymore is to stop going. Let that sit for a year or two, and then decide if the formal letter is needed.
You never know if a short break is all you need until you are ready to re-engage, or when new leadership makes it better.
Church is a volunteer organization. You can stop going if you need to.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and the pain. I follow the “misery is optional” approach…I need less pain in my life, not obligations that add pain. I doubt I would keep going if it was miserable…but I haven’t ever felt a need to resign, even if I have taken long breaks at times, and just told people who ask me that it isn’t my season in life right now to be involved…I have other important family matters to focus on. And I have returned from time to time, when it is the right season.
I have one childhood friend and his wife who resigned. His mother is so hurt from it. I agree with Heber, try taking time off for a while. I am not sure what a person gains by resigning. The church won’t change only your place in others eyes. If you take time off you can assess without the added drama.
Remind me where your spouse is at with all of this?
Also, it’s summer, if stuff is tight at home, book some get away days.
Mom3: My husband is a prolific writer in the bloggernacle. He is devout and wonderful. We can read the same thing and come to vastly different conclusions. We have great and intense religious debates on our evening walks. I know many members of StayLDS have figured out who I am married to. Some have IM’d me to let me know. Others who are even FB friends of his have chosen to not mention the obvious connection.
Anyway .. He wishes that I shared his views of the church, but he loves me for myself. I don’t understand how he can religiously accept some of the things he accepts, but I love him for himself. Our relationship is good.
Taking a break sounds like sound advice. I haven’t done that. I have tried to attend to support DH and DD.
Right now I just want to sever all ties. I’m feeling such anger. It feels like anger has been growing for a couple months and I’m finally getting around to acknowledging it. Weirdly enough, I am not usually an angry person. It takes a lot to get me wound up. But boy .. I’m sure wound up now!
AP, regardless of whether you resign or no, I hope you can find relief for the pain soon. Spirituality should be an uplift and too often organized human implementation of it is not. There have been three different periods over two decades, when I thought seriously about resigning (having my name removed):
– Early on in my FC, I thought about it. That was driven by wanting to free myself.
– Sometime in the middle I thought about it again. That time, it was about being authentic.
– The most recent time was a little over a year ago. That case was all about disagreement between how I saw the message of the gospel and how certain people near the top saw it.
In each case, I decided not to resign. My primary motivation in my decision, each time, was that I do not want to be defined by what I am NOT. I want to be defined by what I am and what I believe. I’ve found over the years that that positive (rather than negative) self-identity has allowed me to operate within the construct of the Church with increasing comfort.
Part of my freedom comes from my belief that there is no God. I see religion/spirituality as an artifact of humanity; the strive for something better or more meaningful. Because of this, I’m not particularly sensitive to points of doctrine. In my view they are all wrong, taken literally, but work for individuals when taken abstractly. I guess what I’m saying is that over time, I have less and less skin in the game and this allows me to absorb what works for me and ignore what doesn’t… and allow that others are doing the same to some degree.
Today, I’m glad that I have chosen to stay. I believe I can help, slowly, to change the culture of the Church, and that is something I could not do if I resigned. I find spiritual opportunities within the Church. I couldn’t if I left it.
I want to say, however, that I reserve the right to resign in the future should I have a change of heart. I do not feel that the Church has any leverage on me, so I can leave if I choose, and it’s possible that I may, someday.
Do what is best for you.
I once considered resigning. My advice would be take it slow, don’t do anything rash based on how you’re feeling today. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year you’re bound to feel differently. The anger deal – the wound up – the explosion – Got it. I envy your relationship. Not all of us who have the option to talk. So Holy Envy on my part, towards you.
I was coming to write a new thought, if it doesn’t fit feel free to ignore it.
Ostracizing is a rich trait in religion. Long before LGBT issues – we had plenty to ostracize people about. We were good at it then, and remain so. The issues have changed but we haven’t. When I step one more step back, I see that religions in general are ripe with this problem. We (religions) profess these lofty “All God’s Children” mantra, but none of us really do it. We may perform the dismissal of another differently, but it’s there.
I for one ostracize my TBM friends and family. Everyone is now at arms length or longer for me. I cringe when I read my only nephews mission letters, so I quit reading, to keep peace. I died when my friend sent out announcements for her daughters mission farewell. I may not be publicly mean or vocal, but if we were to have a dinner party, I would keep my distance. These are people I once found pure delight in being with, now they are on my “keep your distance list.”
Our religious rhetoric makes ostracism even more prevalent and justified. Right now LGBT is one of the top flavors of the month. Who knows a few years from now it may be the Chocolate Chip Cookie eaters who may be suspect?
amateurparent wrote:Right now I just want to sever all ties. I’m feeling such anger.
Again, I’m sorry there is so much that is making you angry. That sucks and not a fun place to be. You can’t just pray it away, or have someone tell you to stop being angry and stifle it. Fact is, you’re angry, and you have good reasons why you are.
I wouldn’t advise you to buy a car or a house in an emotional state like that, and the resignation is kinda like that too.
I don’t know how long it will take, but like DJ was saying, it will probably go away at some point because it is exhausting to stay too angry all the time.
I think it’s great you’re acknowledging the anger, maybe you find stages of grief you’ll go through, I don’t know, but when you are past the angry stages, I think you’ll be in a better place to decide if the official letter is really what you want.
I know friends who have and have not regretted it. I understand why for them it works.
You might want to take a break with the excuse that it is summer, and whether you get away or not, things slow down at church and many people travel, so it is easier to fly under the radar during summer months.
I also advocate taking a break, just because I don’t recommend taking action when in the heat of emotion, regardless the action or the emotion really. With distance, perspective. I’d also suggest reading some Eckhart Tolle. I think it’s great stuff to read for people who are feeling in the grip of Stage 4 anger and pain. Mom3: My older daughter as a YW was beautiful and thin. She had good social skills. She was Beehive Pres. She was Laurel Pres. She was everyone’s idea of an ideal YW. She was included in everything.
My younger daughter is brilliant but she needs to lose weight. At 15, she has run out of high school classes. She is starting college in the fall. She is socially awkward in that she wants to talk about math, physics, Dr Who, and Star Wars. She in very kind and extremely empathetic. We think she has some Aspergers .. But it might be just that she doesn’t have the same interests as the other girls. She has a very funny sense of humor .. But you aren’t going to get her humor if you aren’t well-read.
We see YW leaders doing a GREAT job as leaders. But as soon as the YW leader label is off, they shun my daughter just as hard as their kids do. It is just so painful to watch. In 6 years, my daughter has NEVER been asked to do anything social with anyone in our ward. She is invited to the official events, but not to the pre-party or after party or sleep overs or birthdays or .. Anything.
As I see my daughter being treated poorly, I have started calling people on their actions. It first, I was too vague and non-confrontational. It didn’t work. I becoming more blunt .. But with no better success. For example : “Hey, DD has really been sad about how that was handled. Do you think she could be included in the car with the other girls next time .. Instead of having to travel to the event all by herself.” ” Next time they play a game, could they remember to include DD?” ” When the camp video was taken, I could see DD running towards to group, calling “wait for me”. Next time, could you wait so that she could be in the video and camp group photo?”
Recently, she took a girl out for a mani/pedi to acknowledge this girl’s 16th birthday. DD saved up her money, made arrangements, and took her. This other girl was demeaning and cruel.
This weekend, there is a youth conference an hour away. Different parents are taking turns driving kids over. My turn is Friday Night. DH has offered to drive Saturday morning. 4 trips needed over the weekend. We are handling 2, to haul 6 kids. I emailed the group and asked if someone could pick up my DD from the house on Friday afternoon to take her the 2 miles to our church for the 1 pm meet up. These people live all around us. Our ward boundaries are 2 miles square. No one is willing. There will be members who have to drive by my house to get to the church.
Our ward culture is very focused on hanging out with cool, fashionable people. My daughter doesn’t make the cut. I get it.. But whatever happened to basic Christian kindness?
amateurparent wrote:Our ward culture is very focused on hanging out with cool, fashionable people. My daughter doesn’t make the cut. I get it.. But whatever happened to basic Christian kindness?
I am sorry AP. I teach my kids to be strong individuals yet I secretly hope that their individuality is not so pronounced that it excludes them from the group.
For me, resignation only limits options. It makes it harder to come back if you want to — and I don’t underestimate the power of life and God to give me experiences that change my perspective. As someone once said, the mark of a free person is that every-gnawing uncertainty about whether s/he is right. Further, resigning does create drama in the family. It may reduce visits from missionaries and HT’s, but it also reduces your circle of friends you might have and value on some level. There is also the example it sets for your family. In my family, I have seen many positive fruits in the life of my daughter from the TBM approach of the church, tempered by my own teaching at home about loving those who are different, not being judgmental, women preparing for careers and not putting all eggs in the marriage/motherhood basket, and not letting the church eclipse common sense, self-direction and balance in your life.
I actually posted a thread on a different forum asking people who had resigned why they had done so It was to help me understand their perspective, since I see no point in resigning. So, I will also present their perspective. Some said they resigned because being a member of the church was hurting them emotionally and psychologically. In resigning, they felt empowered. The resignation was also symbolic for some of them, representing shaking off perceived control the church wielded over their lives. Others saw resignation as a way of sending a clear message to the leadership about what they disagreed with, within the LDS experience.
I would advocate taking a break and keeping your options open. Find things to replace the fill that the LDS experience provided (or may even provide) in corners of your spirituality, gradually. And try, if you can, to try to enjoy the creative, philosophical tension that being in the church, but not of the church, provides.
Quote:Our ward culture is very focused on hanging out with cool, fashionable people. My daughter doesn’t make the cut. I get it.. But whatever happened to basic Christian kindness?
This is exactly what I noticed when I was 17. I watched it happening by our ward Priests to the Laurels their age and the Mia Maids below them. The Laurels were a little more worldly, but the boys and their families made it clear those girls were the “Harlots” of life. At the same time the boys and their families, praised, dated, pedastal-ed the Mia Maids. Sure enough the Laurels left, got worse, found worse friends and lived up to meanness. As a silent observer – I was crushed. My church had failed them, me, a boy who probably was gay and so on.
Time moved on and life did an interesting thing – not all the Mia Maids had splendid adulthoods, and many of the Laurels regained their life footings and became bastions in and out of the church. It was a good lesson for me on time.
On to your daughter directly – I get it. My autistic son was always stuck with the other autistic kid. It sounds great on paper, but not in life. The other boys just left them alone. Never included them or anything. Plus spectrum kids vary, our son wanted to enjoy more normal activities, we had raised him that way. He didn’t find out until he was in Jr. High that he had a diagnosis. My husband went to every scout trip, scout camp everything. No change. My sons final withdrawal from church came after he bore his testimony in Sacrament Meeting. He did it on his own, he spoke from his heart. It was very sincere, and touching. Many members said so. His quorum leader though had a different opinion, during class that day he passed out a paper listing all the things you are supposed to include in a testimony, had circled the areas my son had neglected, thanked him for being an example to his peers, but reminded him next time to do it right. Pretty soon he lost interest and we’d run out of options.
So a break in the summer might just be perfect.
amateurparent wrote:Our ward culture is very focused on hanging out with cool, fashionable people. My daughter doesn’t make the cut. I get it.. But whatever happened to basic Christian kindness?
Well, it shifts around, this kindness. I have been involved in certain wards and circles of friends, even non-profits where the people are kind, Christian, hardworking, non-judgmental and exemplary. I have been involved in other wards, and circles of friends, and non-profits where the people are nasty, backbiting, critical, and contrarion.
Your daughter will also find circles like that at University, in industry, and in neighborhoods, and in Wards. “Results may vary” as they say on weight loss commericials ….I would alter it to say “humans may vary”….
Our solution, when we encountered a particularly caustic group of youth, was to go to a different Ward. We shopped, we obfuscated, we found a place where there were suitable youth and my daughter has utterly blossomed. She came to me once saying “I don’t regret leaving our old Ward — I KNOW WHO I AM NOW”. I was touched and felt great emotion when she said that. For years, her self-esteem suffered due to the caustic youth in our ward, their bullying, their physical abuse. It was only when we broke church policy, and found a Ward of our own that she got the nourishment she needed.
And other wards are generally forgiving about policy violations when youth are at stake. We did have one incredibly lunatic youth leader make a big deal about the fact my daughter was a “visitor” in their Ward. She excluded her from pictures, etcetera, and once, they refused to pay for her to go to girlf’s camp out of their budget when they paid for everyone else, but other than that, it was not a big deal. She got her YW recognition at 14, and has a very great circle of friends. Her personality has come out, and she is a delight.
I would go searching for a Ward where your daughter can flourish more than in your current Ward, even if she has socialization issues as you’ve implied.
AP, you wrote: Quote:A couple years ago, one of our ward members told a mother of a LGBT son, “It’s terrible that the youth aren’t treating him better at church. Now, I understand why they wouldn’t talk to him at school, but at church they should do better”
This is the attitude that we are dealing with.
It is not my purpose to make you feel guilty, if you left the church, that would leave one less person to give this ward member encouragement & to not feel alone with this struggle. The Church needs more compassionate people like you & your family.
I recently went to an inactive member in our ward with a member of the Bishopric. I hadn’t seen this person in at least 10 years. He came up to me with a big grin, gave me a hug & said “you saved my life”. (I do not take credit for this.) When we met, we were volunteering at an inner city branch. He made it clear to the membership that he was an alcoholic & from his appearance seemed to be really struggling. After the meeting, we talked & I told him that I’m an Alcoholic too & that he is not alone. I am not ashamed of being a recovering member. I just do not openly announce it. I took him to my AA meetings & after had a good talk. Afterwards he went into treatment and stayed sober for the past (8 yrs). We never know how words of encouragement helps another person. It is not easily measured.
In my opinion, our Church can not lose one more compassionate voice.
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