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I am thoroughly confused. Awhile ago I posted about a significant experience I had where my girlfriend (at the time) received a revelation that she needed to dump me, which post is
God Told Her to Dump Me.My journey back into the Church began this last January. A few months earlier (October-November) I started getting to know a woman in one of my University of Utah physics classes, and I started to really like her. She was a returned sister missionary and seemed to like me, and we went out a couple times, but she wouldn’t steady date me because I wasn’t going to church. I identified as an atheist at the time. In January we had a conversation about our respective faith journeys. I told the story of how I had become an atheist and she said that she’d never received a witness that the Church was true, but the Church made her happy and she liked reading the Book of Mormon and the other scriptures, and that seemed like that was enough for her. She seemed very TBM, though she also seemed to be open to metaphorical interpretations of the scriptures, etc. I thought that was the end of our potential romantic relationship, but she seemed to still be somewhat interested. I asked her out a couple more times and she said no, and she said it was because I wasn’t active in the church. And so I ended up having the most profound experience I’ve had in a long time because I felt so strongly for her. I was with a physics friend (a guy) and I cried my eyes out for probably 15 minutes because I’d really like to be married and I’m not, and I thought I’d finally found the right woman, and I was missing an opportunity to finally be married because I wasn’t going to church. Since I’d given so much of my life to the Church, the feeling of loss was that much more painful. After crying for awhile, I was internally compelled by my feelings to decide to give the Church another chance. It really was one of the most powerful experiences I’ve ever had. I asked her if she’d give me a chance if I gave the Church another chance, and she said she’d wait and see.
In March she decided to give me a chance. It was quite sudden because she had been only partially open to my romantic advances. She suddenly said that she was ready to give a relationship a try, even though we’d only been on two or three dates. She said that she only thought of me as a friend and didn’t feel any romantic fireworks, but she was willing to give it a try. I was ecstatic because I was crazy about her and I really thought she was the right woman for me. Her behavior has been very confusing and I have never been able to tell what she really feels about me. After two weeks of dating she said that she still didn’t have any romantic feelings for me, and that she had hoped that her feelings would grow and they hadn’t grown, but that we could keep dating. She said that she had felt strongly that she should date me, and that it wasn’t the answer that she wanted. But she decided to date me because she strongly felt she needed to.
She’ll snuggle with me and hold my hand, but won’t kiss me. This last Friday she was fairly clear that she still didn’t have any romantic feelings for me and intended to dump me after finals and graduation (we’re both graduating in a few days.) We’re still dating right now.
When the first woman dumped me because God told her to, I was hoping that God had someone better planned for me. So I was hoping that the woman I’m dating now was that woman, because she is much better than the woman who dumped me and seemed to get a revelation that she needed to date me, but she still doesn’t feel attracted to me.
I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what to feel. I was dating a woman who wanted to date me, and God tells her dump me. Then God tells a woman who doesn’t want to date me that she needs to date me, and I’m crazy about her, but nothing I do can make her feel attracted to me, even though she wanted to be attracted to me.
Can anyone tell me what’s going on?
First, congrats on graduating! I don’t know if I can help, but I have rad your post and I do have some understanding of what you’re going through. I was 30 before I married (in the temple) and was I pretty orthodox at the time. I had actually been engaged on twice prior to my marriage, the first time when I was 21 and this girl had grown up in the church but had been inactive for most of her teen years and turned out to be somewhat of a slut (pardon me, but it’s true). I had no problem forgiving her behavior as a youth, it was the indiscretions while we were engaged that I couldn’t. The second one, also raised in the church but active just up and dumped me with no warning a couple months before the wedding. I was 26 and an RM at this point. I did think she was “the one.” Looking back, I’m pretty sure I’m better off without her. My dear wife has been wonderful, and while not understanding or wanting to understand my faith transition, she has been patient and she’s a great mom. That’s a very much condensed Reader’s Digest version of my love life, but here’s the conclusion I reached after number two: There is no “one.” There are many that any of us could be “eternally” compatible with, and there is no reason for us to rush into it – especially you, since you live in the MC. I don’t believe God tells us who is or isn’t compatible for us – I think that’s one of the things we’re supposed to figure out on our own and people outside the church do it all the time. That’s my 2 cents for what it’s worth.
I too was told by a romantic interest after a few dates that she had prayed about it and wasn’t getting the needed confirmation. I do not believe that God (if such a being exists) really meddles in relationships. I know of people who have great relationships that never prayed about it at all. I know of others that have had a very difficult time that claim to have gotten an answer to prayer that it was “the one.”
I know it might sound hollow now – but eventually someone will come along that just feels right (without all the push-pull). Statistically speaking, you will find her and these steps you are going through now will have been part of the journey that lead you to her.
Being single can suck sometimes, but I believe it is better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.
DarkJedi wrote:I had no problem forgiving her behavior as a youth, it was the indiscretions while we were engaged that I couldn’t.
I assume that these “indiscretions” didn’t involve you …
I’m conflicted on this question because I’m just not sure how to articulate my feelings, but here goes via my own experiences: I believe that my soon-to-be-former wife went to the temple and prayed about our relationship in December. Got the answer that she needed to divorce me and pursue an old boyfriend that reentered her life. If true that this was her experience, then it’s absurd that the Spirit would give her this answer in light of what was an otherwise wonderful marriage. “Otherwise” meaning I have periodically struggled with some aspects of the Word of Wisdom–in every other respect it has been loving, generous, and happy for 22 years. It’s crazy to think God would want to break up a temple marriage, separate a family, and just expect us to give up. She got the answer she wanted.
Bottom line is that I agree with Roy’s response. If a potential bride is not using the brain and heart that God gave her, and is having these kinds of impressions now, watch out in the future. You’re going to encounter a whole lot of crazy later on.
Finally, I know chastity comes into play before marriage. I get that. But if she won’t kiss you or be affectionate, I see it as a sign that it’s going to be a lame romantic/sex life even after you two are married. I would want to know there was some passion–any passion–there before putting a ring on the finger.
God as Yenta. Not a fan of this. Alex wrote:She got the answer she wanted.
That’s it in a nutshell. I do believe in divine inspiration, but I doubt it a lot when it comes to relationships.
hawkgrrrl wrote:God as Yenta. Not a fan of this.
Alex wrote:She got the answer she wanted.
That’s it in a nutshell. I do believe in divine inspiration, but I doubt it a lot when it comes to relationships.
And that’s the strange part of it. She said that dating me was not the answer that she wanted, but she felt strongly that she should date me. It does make sense to me that most people get the answer that they want when it comes to dating. But if she felt strongly that she should date me, then maybe she actually did like me to and was conflicted about it. I’m sure I will ask her about it, but I suspect that she might revise her memories to fit what she’s feeling now instead of being honest about what she felt at the time.InquiringMind wrote:And that’s the strange part of it. She said that dating me was not the answer that she wanted, but she felt strongly that she should date me.
Maybe she likes your company enough and someone paying for dates…but it doesn’t fully explain why she would go to the length of saying she didn’t want to date you, prayed about it, and got an answer of “yes.”
I believe in prayer, but I also think that some people–maybe all of us?–are influenced by our own subjectivity. That might be the case of the first woman;
in the case of the second woman, she may be influenced by whatever whim comes to her mind (read: not the Spirit). It’s like people who see signs in everyday things–a bird that flew overhead is a message from God–or who want to interpret every dream to mean something. For me that’s a dangerous thing. What about if she has a dream about marrying you? Would she just because it played out in her mind while sleeping? Dangerous.
InquiringMind wrote:…In March she decided to give me a chance. It was quite sudden because she had been only partially open to my romantic advances. She suddenly said that she was ready to give a relationship a try, even though we’d only been on two or three dates. She said that she only thought of me as a friend and didn’t feel any romantic fireworks, but she was willing to give it a try. I was ecstatic because I was crazy about her and I really thought she was the right woman for me.
Her behavior has been very confusing and I have never been able to tell what she really feels about me. After two weeks of dating she said that she still didn’t have any romantic feelings for me, and that she had hoped that her feelings would grow and they hadn’t grown, but that we could keep dating. She said that she had felt strongly that she should date me, and that it wasn’t the answer that she wanted. But she decided to date me because she strongly felt she needed to.…She’ll snuggle with me and hold my hand, but won’t kiss me. This last Friday she was fairly clear that she still didn’t have any romantic feelings for me and intended to dump me after finals and graduation (we’re both graduating in a few days.) We’re still dating right now…When the first woman dumped me because God told her to, I was hoping that God had someone better planned for me. So I was hoping that the woman I’m dating now was that woman, because she is much better than the woman who dumped me and seemed to get a revelation that she needed to date me, but she still doesn’t feel attracted to me…Can anyone tell me what’s going on? Personally I think having people rely on prayer or supposed revelations to try to answer who is the one for them is just as likely if not more so to actually result in them overlooking their better judgment and obvious warning signs that they are headed for trouble as it is to give any indication of how happy they would be together over the long term. Maybe she thought it wasn’t fair to write you off without giving you a chance and interpreted this feeling as some kind of inspiration. It sounds like some men that didn’t give up easily eventually ended up winning over their eventual wife but if it was me I would keep looking for someone you can get along with that is also more interested in you the way you are without expecting you to change much. If you told her you want to date other women then I don’t see how she would have much of a reason to complain if she doesn’t even want to kiss you. To me it looks like a mostly one-sided infatuation and a real long shot to hope for this relationship to go very far if you want to be more than friends but I guess stranger things have happened.
I know how difficult it is to be alone, so I empathize with your situation. Free advice is worth as much as you paid for it. But here goes.
I think you need to be true to your own beliefs. Being married to a woman who might expect X, Y, and Z from you when it comes to the church might create problems down the line. You’ve read people’s stories here and on NOM.
Are you going to grad school? Are you going back to CA? The dating pool is much better in grad school for an intelligent person.
I’m sorry for the pain you’ve felt over her. Date someone who is crazy about you.
I hope this isn’t offensive.
PS Go Utes
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