Reviling: Causes and Cures

[Anonymous]

As I reflect on my time reading and commenting at various group blogs, I have tried to read comments from people with widely varying opinions and perspectives with an eye toward what is making them bitter and leading them to revile those with whom they disagree. The following list is not exhaustive, but it includes the things that I have noticed the most frequently.

I am going to use the example of homosexuality simply because it easy to use as an example of people reviling others – where the points I want to make are perhaps the most prominent in the recent past. However, I believe the general causes of reviling cut across any single issue – so I ask only that this post not be viewed as a post about homosexuality. It is not; it is about reviling. Please remember that as you read this post, and please respect that in your comments.

The root causes of reviling I have observed are:

1) Fundamental lack of understanding

It is fascinating to see how badly many people misunderstand even some very basic things about those they oppose. Over and over, I have read statements like the following:

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Mormons hate homosexuals and/or are homophobic.

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Anyone who voted for Prop. 8 is a bigot.

The most severe example was in a comment on a blog that generally is not one of the more extreme:

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Remember, we are talking about people who literally do not want homosexuals to exist!

On the other hand, I have read things like the following from those who supported Prop. 8:

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Satan is behind the opposition to Prop. 8.

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All Mormons who didn’t contribute to the campaign and/or voted against Prop. 8 (no matter if they said anything publicly) don’t accept the prophets and should lose their temple recommends.

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Gays are out to recruit my kids to be gay. It’s not about them; it’s about converting straight kids to become gay.

This is only a tiny sampling, but it is crystal clear to me that these people simply don’t understand those who believe differently than they do. They might even know a few of these people (e.g., homosexuals on one hand and Mormons on the other), but they definitely don’t understand them as a group – particularly since they tend to assume that the “good” people they know on the opposite side are the exception to the rule.

2) Personal prejudice

Many people grow up with a particular prejudice being taught in their youth and adolescence. This leads to biases and stereotypes about religious adherents, entire races, political partisans, men and women, socio-economic status, etc. Much of what I have read shows this underlying assumption from the impressionable years of youth – and this is not confined to one side or the other. For example, many Mormons and homosexuals have a well-developed persecution complex, often for solid reasons rooted in actual events of discrimination against each group as a whole. It is especially hard for these people to view something like Prop. 8 with anything even resembling impartiality, as their historical (and often personal) experiences tell them that their “opponents” have the worst possible motives.

3) Prior Pain

This is similar to #2, but it goes a little deeper in what I have read. Many people who responded to the result of Prop. 8 – especially those who lost the vote (those who support gay marriage), but also Mormons who subsequently were the object of protests and scorn – have been hurt previously in very real ways by their status as Mormon and/or homosexual. They have experienced true and virulent homophobia and hate. Those prior experiences, like the teachings of their youth, make it very difficult to distinguish the nuances inherent in differing perspectives – and make it much easier to ascribe hidden motives and unexpressed loathing to people who really do bear no ill will personally to those with whom they disagree. These people, particularly, have an excruciatingly difficult time accepting that those who disagree with them still can love them. Their experience teaches otherwise, and experience trumps all else in most situations.

4) Impaired Perspective

Of all the reasons I have seen for the reviling and vitriol I have read, I believe this one is the most fundamental – and the only one that when corrected can lead to the eradication of #1 and the overcoming of #2 and #3. I truly believe that the recognition of every single person as a child of God and, therefore, a brother or sister with identical eternal potential is the only achievement that has the power to eliminate reviling completely and irrevocably. This goes beyond just believing that all are equal in God’s eyes – although that is a great place to start. This includes believing ALL can rise above their natural, human weakness – in Christian terms, believing that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is capable of overlooking ANY inadequacy or flaw by focusing solely on the condition of the heart – believing that God sees with unimpaired perspective. Ultimately, it includes a belief that the object of existence is to develop the characteristics of godliness articulated in the Sermon on the Mount and other scriptures and become Christlike, since becoming a new (wo)man in Christ provides the perspective necessary to see divine potential in all others.

Matthew 7:1 is compelling in its simplicity:

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Judge not, that ye be not judged.

1 Corinthians 13 speaks of this type of charity and forbearance, with verse 12 being an especially powerful summary of the difficulty in understanding others enough to not revile them – particularly a phrase that generally is overlooked as spoken by a prophet:

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For now we see through a glass, darkly . . . now I know in part

Recognizing that we don’t see and understand fully – and developing the humility and charity necessary to cut others some slack, not judge them and accept what they say as honest and sincere (even while disagreeing ) – is critical to avoiding reviling. Similarly necessary is the meekness to not need to “win” every discussion – and not see everything as a battle between us and an “enemy”. Sometimes – I would say often – it is fine simply to agree to disagree and move forward in love and mutual respect. In order to do so, however, we must see others as our equals in the eyes of God – and that is not an easy thing to accomplish. It does not come naturally. Rather, it must be a conscious decision and constant effort until it becomes internalized and automatic.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ray,

Thanks for posting this. It is a good subject to discuss (reviling). You make some excellent points. I was very impressed with my Dec. 08 issue of Sunstone magazine with an article titled ‘Reflections on Proposition 8’. The article attempted to heal the rifts by sharing stories from those on both sides of this issue. In their Anniversary edition they also had a wonderful article called “Pastoring the Far Side: Making a Place for Believing Homosexuals.” If each side would do what Covey often preaches of “Seek first to understand and then to be understood,” it would go along ways to finding common ground. This is what my book (“Prayers for Johnathan”) was all about when I share the letters I wrote for two years to an atheist pro-gay Danish youth from me, a Christian mom who wanted her son to change. The problem is that this is so hard for most people to do as they are so wrapped up in their own wounds and biases. Politics and religion ignite such strong feelings and it takes a really mature and honest person to be loving and patient enough to look into each others hearts and eyes. You have to look beyond the words people are saying to the feelings they have and why they have them.

It takes practice to do this. I have had to force myself to watch far left wing liberals and far right wing conservatives who both drive me nuts and try to see where they are coming from without losing my temper or screaming at the TV. We do have to value each other as human beings and children of God in order to have this type of Christ-like love. How easy was it for the Jews to want to throw the first stone at the adulteress. We need to walk in each others shoes more. What has helped me the most is taking the time to get to know someone I disagree with. As I have gotten to know some of the most hostile gays who have hated me and hated my book, I have come to see why they have so much anger inside. Why they lash out so harshly. As they have come to know me, we have been able to become friends even. This is why I like this group so much; we do try to see each others point of view.

[Anonymous]

I think the key to survival on planet earth is to detach from extremism and to learn to understand both sides of every issue. It’s like the way a debate team works – you are randomly assigned one side of the argument or the other, and you have to rely on your wits to be able to understand and defend that viewpoint, even if you disagree with it. I think there’s great power in being able to do that, even if you don’t change your perspective. It just adds empathy that is not readily available when you surround yourself with like-minded people.

[Anonymous]

I love this thread. It’s so important on so many levels, big, critical levels.

I agree wholeheartedly, which is why it’s so painful when the church as an organization gets involved in any “political” argument.

I would add something similar that I’ve found is just as “natural”: hypocrisy. There’s something fundamentally primal about human’s repulsion in the face of hypocrisy. But, it comes from the exact same place that you’re talking about with reviling. And, is often the actual cause of the reviling, at least at it’s core.

Continuing the example with hypocrisy as the “cause”:

How can you preach monogamy when you believe in polygamy?

How can you insist on civil rights (gay marriage) when you want to infringe on my civil rights (religious freedom)?

The key, as was stated in the OP, is that there are more sides, differing perspectives, multiple frames of reference. One need only to put oneself in the others place. OK, maybe a ton of charity and humility, too. 😳

[Anonymous]

Excellent topic Ray!

A simple perspective I use about reviling (but I must say first that I agree 100% that the most common cause for it is lack of understanding) is that there is one universal energy, “Light and love.” I consider them one and the same. Love unites, bonds, allows and grows. Lack of love is fear…fear divides, commands, disallows and takes away.

Reviling is a subcatogory of fear — what we don’t understand, we often shun. Anger is the primitive human emotion that protects us from learning something new. When we recognize the discomfort we feel for an experience is lack of understanding, we begin the growth process.

Thanks for the reminder!

[Anonymous]

Rix wrote:

Reviling is a subcatogory of fear — what we don’t understand, we often shun. Anger is the primitive human emotion that protects us from learning something new. When we recognize the discomfort we feel for an experience is lack of understanding, we begin the growth process.

Thanks for the reminder!

I like this Rix. Richard Cohen, who wrote the foreword to my book described FEAR AS “False Evidence Appearing Real”. Even though Richard is one of the few gays I have met who has been able to successfully live a heterosexual life with a wife and kids, he has such compassion for gay people. I believe he was so inspired to write the foreword to my book and I would like to copy and past it here as it is a good example of why and how people should deal with their predjudices and reviling.

Dear Reader,

You are about to enter into a passionate discussion between two opposing and seemingly contradictory points of view: A Mother fighting to understand her son’s same-sex attractions and a “gay” man staunchly defending homosexuality and his right to live as he chooses. Reading Prayers for Johnathan is like eavesdropping into a very private conversation between Bridget and Soren. What unfolds are two dynamic personalities with diverse opinions about homosexuality. But more importantly, what shines through is a great openness and respect for one another.

Why care about the issue of homosexuality if it doesn’t seem to affect you or your loved ones? Well, just imagine some of the following scenarios:

Imagine you wake up one morning and you’re attracted to the same sex. How do you feel? What do you think? You pray to God, what’s happening to me? Please take these desires away. You pray this year after year, and yet, you find yourself still longing to be with someone of the same sex.

Imagine your child comes home and tells you s/he’s “gay.” How do you feel? What do you think? You raised your child to be the best s/he could possibly be. You’ve poured your heart and soul into her or him. Sure, you’ve made mistakes, we all have, but you did your best. And, what’s more, you raised your child to know God and to know His Word. And now you feel betrayed. Why me? Is it my fault?

Imagine your son was beaten to death by some strangers, or worse, fellow soldiers or classmates. How do you feel? What do you think? Do you feel guilty for rejecting your child because of his same-sex attractions? What if it was you who had homosexual feelings through no fault of your own and were told it’s evil and so are you? What would you do? How would you feel about yourself?

Imagine your spouse breaks down in tears and says, “I can’t hide it any longer, I’m homosexual.” How do you feel? What do you think after years of marriage and perhaps having had kids together? What does it mean? Was all this a lie? Were you just being used? What the hell is going on? I don’t understand.

Soren, hurt by his family and friends, serves as a mentor, teacher and security guard, giving to others that which he himself never experienced. As you read his profound thoughts and experience his powerful feelings, you will look into the eyes of a brave young man who will show you what it’s like to be “gay” today. Bridget will expose her mother’s heart over and over again as she reaches out to Soren for both understanding about the homosexual world and how to best love her son. Throughout their dialogue she reveals her personal torment over loving her son and not his same-sex attractions.

Through such an intimate exchange, your heart will be taken on a journey and don’t be surprised if your mind ends up miles from whence you came. Prayers for Johnathan is an encapsulation of both a parent’s maturation and a homosexual man’s longing for family. Take a chance, if you dare, and become part of Bridget and Soren’s challenging dialogue.

It’s funny, as a man who came out as a homosexual to his family and friends in the 70s, and then came out straight in the 80s, I found myself siding with and relating to Soren’s confusion, experiences, insights, and search for identity and significance. As a husband and father of three children, I easily understood Bridget’s heartaches, love and dreams for her son.

You may not agree with all of Bridget’s and Soren’s opinions, as I don’t myself, but one thing you will agree with is how beautifully they demonstrate a willingness to listen and respect each others differences. Healing is a process, not a destination. Soren and Bridget allow us to participate in their journey as they learn about each other and themselves.

Even though these letters focus on understanding homosexuality, it could easily be related to any controversial issue: race, religion, gender, nationality. We all FEAR that which we do not understand (FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real). We all defend ourselves against the unknown. Until we start to look through the eyes of the other, we will never truly understand what it’s like to walk in their shoes.

When English poet and priest John Donne was ill and believed himself at the point of death, he heard the local church bell ringing. Fearing his imminent death, he thought his friends had it rung on his behalf. Then he realized it was rung for a neighbor’s death. He then inscribed these immortal words for his Sunday sermon: “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main–any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; and therefore, never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee” (Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, 1624, Meditation XVII: Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, Morieris).

Those who judge homosexually oriented men and women as evil, and those who make disparaging comments about them, are the most wounded of souls. It is far easier to blame and hate than it is to listen and understand. Prejudice is a camouflage for low self-worth, fear and a socially acceptable way to ward off pain. Come into Soren’s world and see, as Bridget has, life through his eyes.

We have failed the men and women who have and do experience same-sex attractions. Especially those who call themselves people of God. Judgment without love is death to any child’s spirit. In reading about Soren’s life, I cried, I screamed. Born “gay”? You judge for yourself: his brother began having sex with him when he was 9 (oral sex and mutual masturbation); his father, an alcoholic, beat Soren and his mother and threatened to have sex with his sister (Soren’s mom kicked his Dad out when he was 6 years old); his mother was raised by very pained parents who divorced (the grandmother became the “town hooker” and Soren’s mom was raped at 14 by one of her mother’s “boyfriends”); his mother, who suffers from mental illness and paranoia, attempted suicide and Soren has been in “charge” of her medication and well-being for 12 years (she says she may kill herself when he leaves); he was condemned and beaten up by peers and others for having same-sex attractions; he hustled to make money to help support himself and the family; and he forfeited a tenuous belief in God when he was 14 years old after a boyfriend shot himself in the head (the boyfriend’s father was “a very religious man” and constantly berated his son by calling him a “sissy” or “Satan”; a year later the father shot himself).

Born “gay”? Scientific research and experience proves otherwise. As a psychotherapist who has helped many go straight (explore and experience their heterosexual potential), I know that there are many reasons for having same-sex attractions. I know that change is possible. People do not choose to have same-sex attractions, however, they can choose to change and come out straight. I did, and I’ve helped many others do the same. But going straight, or the desire to do so, should never be a prerequisite for unconditional love.

Men and women who experience same-sex attractions never asked for those desires. So what position do they play in the family, church and society? They are our blessing. They are the means whereby we come to know who we truly are. Do we say we believe in a loving God and treat those different from ourselves with disdain and disgust? Or do we learn to listen, learn to understand, and learn to love? Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (John 15:12-13). Are you ready to love homosexually oriented men and women? Are you ready to listen and understand their journey regardless of whether they wish to change or not?

Love is the medicine that heals all pain. I believe this book will challenge and motivate you to value and love those different from yourself. If you are not “gay” or have never experienced same-sex attraction, it may be hard for you to imagine the pain, confusion, questioning and need for love someone like Soren goes through. The pages you are about to read will reveal the primal need for Soren, and those like him, to have you throw your arms around them. There is power in healthy non-sexual and non-romantic gendered love and touch. Many of these men and women suffer from skin hunger – not bonded, unattached and looking for love. “Reach out and touch somebody’s hand, make it a better world if you can.” This is an issue that won’t be resolved by words but through actions. It’s a battle of love. Who wins? Those who know for whom the bell tolls, and those who love first!

Abundant Blessings,

Richard Cohen, MA

[Anonymous]

bridget_night wrote:

[

Those who judge homosexually oriented men and women as evil, and those who make disparaging comments about them, are the most wounded of souls. It is far easier to blame and hate than it is to listen and understand. Prejudice is a camouflage for low self-worth, fear and a socially acceptable way to ward off pain.

I love this quote in particular. Thanks Bridget!

[Author]

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