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I was considering placing this in Humanist’s “What if you don’t want to go on a mission” thread and decided that it was related, yes but really coming from another angle and time frame so thought I would bring it up here and ask for some help and ideas. Since my wife and I have been retired for 4 years now there has been increasing pressure and suggestions that it is our duty to go on a seniors mission. Our current Bishop and his wife have just returned from one and he was made Bishop literally the week after he got home with the clear message that the Stake Presidency had decided to make him a Bishop months before his return. He has been preaching frequently from the pulpit that if we are wanting to send out our young men then we have to all be willing to go ourselves etc. etc. etc.
I was baptized as a 20 year old in University and married the girl who was a significant factor in deciding to do that baptism and a year later in our 4th years of university we were married. (I had been converted actually when I was 18 or so in my home town but because of the rabid (I use that word with full awareness) opposition of my family I was theoretically waiting till I was 21 and really an “adult” before I got baptized, this kept my parents at least at a civil level of discourse and my siblings and cousins would at least sort of talk to me when they couldn’t avoid it). Anyway, the point of all that whining
😆 🙄 is that I never did serve a mission and that has been a “social” and “religious” detriment all my life. To compound the problem my wife and I couldn’t have kids and as we were very busy secondary school teachers, fully involved with our students at all levels of their lives we never felt the need to adopt any kids either, we were dealing with enough teenagers as it was. We have lived as basic social “pariahs” all our lives with Bishops grudgingly using us because we have a lot of skills but always touchy about my wife especially leading the young women astray and giving an example of a professional woman having a fulfilling life (she has never held any position in Young Womens, I have never held any positions in Young Mens, only as we have gotten older has she been in a few Relief Society Presidencies but never the President and similarly for me in EQ Presidencies. We get called because our good friends are the presidents and want people who can get work done.So again, the point of all that extra whining, leads me to the present situation. We have always been given the tough teaching jobs in our wards and currently I have the Sunday School class from close to Hell (two teachers before me in 6 months) and my wife is in the Primary Presidency because no one will accept the callings because of the behavior of the kids. Both situations are largely under control and working out quite successfully and we soldier on though not particularly looking forward to Sundays. (Ooops there was more whining, it was quite a tough day this Sunday apparently).
So in the midst of all of this and greatly enjoying our retirement, finally able to really farm and work with our animals, get involved in community groups, do service projects for our city and region, we are constantly bombarded with not so subtle hints that we are failing in our duty as members of the Church if we do not go on at least one mission and really since we are fundamentally healthy we should be thinking about 2 or 3. Sigh. I just don’t want to do it and my wife has said exactly the same thing too, she said something like: “We’ve put in our time, we deserve some enjoyment while we can still really enjoy it.
So are we just being terribly selfish? Should we be thinking it would be a great spiritual experience that we shouldn’t miss? I just can’t see it working out all that well and even worse I dread the thought of being pulled up into a Church educational mission somewhere. I have had enough of teaching school 5 days a week, 35 years and my patience is essentially dried up.
It is a real problem, obviously, or I wouldn’t be going on at such length here. I would appreciate any thoughts and wonder if any of you are also feeling that same kind of pressure. Perhaps the big solution is to walk away from the Church, that would certainly solve it, but I don’t feel that such a move would be spiritually honest, I really do find spiritual growth and fulfillment in the gospel and feel that the Church is about as correct as possible and the best path to salvation.
Thanks, sorry this is so long.
You should really do what *YOU* want, in the ways you feel inspired to serve God (if that is how you want to view it). Those people putting on the pressure are doing so for their own reasons, not for you. That’s my impression. Who says your “calling” isn’t to do all those nice community things in your own community. You might not wear an official LDS name tag, but you could just as easily view it in religious and “mission” terms.
FWIW, they always wanted to call my wife to work in the nursery when she still went to Church. We had six kids, so she must like kids a lot and want to sit in the nursery all through Church too … right? She did one tour of duty in the nursery with me, but after that turned down those requests. I supported her in her decision. She didn’t want to watch everyone else’s little babies all the time at church after she had spent all week watching her own 24×7 (while I was at work).
There’s nothing wrong with deciding to serve a mission for the Church. I think I would enjoy doing that some day.
You are mature enough to make this decision on your own and do what you feel God wants you to do. Senior missionary couples do a GREAT work in most areas where they serve, but so do senior couples who stay home and serve there. Sometimes, it takes a very gentle, “Knock it off, please. We’re trying to follow personal revelation as we have been asked to do in General Conference.”
Thanks Valoel and Ray for the good advice, I appreciate it. Interestingly StayLDS has performed an immensely valuable service for me and I would like to share that. I had thought that the core of my difficulties with the Church focused around the correlation program, the beaurocracy of the Church, the lesson manuals and approach to teaching in the Church, the gay issue, the general trend which I thought I saw towards a new conservatism (the follow the leaders message hammered home relentlessly) and to a lesser degree the historical issues.
I solved to my general satisfaction most of the historical issues, at least to an acceptance level and some to a “put them on the shelf they aren’t that important” level. However I still struggle a lot with the first batch of issues which can lead me to “question the leadership” which is very close in my mind to apostasy.
However, though I had not particularly intended it, I was just wanting to note that there is also pressure on Seniors to serve missions and have done with it, instead I found that I had produced a very long post that is, lets face it, powered by quite a bit of resentment. I honestly hadn’t realized that all of that was there until the post was done, up on the board and sitting there: an artifact of my life that I could finally rationally analyze and work with. It is clear to me that I have quite a bit of work to do in building in some charity towards my current Ward which I clearly feel hasn’t been that good a place to grow spiritually in because of the resentments. I need to work on this and very likely this “resevoir” of emotion has been part of the “power source” of my own dissatisfaction with the Church.
More to ponder, but thanks to StayLDS I have it clearly in front of me and can start to deal with that aspect.
Wow, Bill – thanks for your personal recap. Great note! My parents who are converts have served two missions as seniors: a “proselyting” mission in which they asked to work strictly in the office, and they ended up doing almost no proselyting which they did not want to do, and a temple mission. They now do genealogical support to members and non-members. I would rather be a POW than have to work in the genealogical library for even 15 minutes. I would prefer the social aspect of working at a visitor’s center or proselyting. Different strokes for different folks! I agree with Ray – it’s your life! You have to be able to follow your bliss.
The only caution about that is that sometimes we get a calling we don’t think is suitable, but I do think you have to give it a go. You may be surprised at your natural gifts or what the calling teaches you. Like Valoel’s wife, I think you can say no if you know it’s not the right thing for you, but I think we do best when we try to broaden our view and keep an open mind, no matter how scary or awful the prospect. We should face our fears! That’s only relevant to the callings discussion, not so much the mission one which is an enormous time & money investment. It’s not easy to test drive!
Bill, I love this topic, I hadn’t thought about the pressures on seniors. BTW I would love the idea of your wife! Sorry for the tangent … My sister had 20 years of infertility before she had her baby. There should be a thread on awareness of those with infertility and staying LDS. Most lessons on child rearing and family just didn’t apply. I tip my hat to you two for staying.
My Dad joined the military and never served a mission. Once he retired and got bored (workaholic who only needs 5 hours a sleep a night) so they went on mission. It was suppose to be proselytizing but they ended up in the office. They didn’t enjoy their missions and saw how for some Elders/Sister the mission is extremely harmful and something they are just enduring. My Dad felt so sorry for the Mission President and the strain running the Mission caused on their family. Their children were angry at being relocated and the President collapsed a couple times from stress, high blood pressure and anxiety. He said the romanticized version of a mission can be very different for some. He also said the best thing that could happen for Mission is that only those who want to go, go; only those who want to stay, stay. I thought my Dad might have been happy at a Church Farm but not m Mom, my Mom would be happy as a Temple missionary, so when you go as a couple and you have different personalities, they may not be a mission where that is optimal for both of you.
The best PR the Church can have is to see normal LDS people mainstreamed doing service, so I would stay and do exactly what you are doing.
Hawkgrrl thanks for your thoughts, I always appreciate your comments in posts you have a good grasp of reality and honestly state some quite good insights. In this case I focused on: Quote:The only caution about that is that sometimes we get a calling we don’t think is suitable, but I do think you have to give it a go. You may be surprised at your natural gifts or what the calling teaches you. …. it’s not east to test drive!
Here I agree with you and have in my family experienced both positive and negative results from accepting callings (in that I am still basically a TBM, I think that if I get a calling I have to accept it. I have short circuited Bishopric callings for my wife that I knew that she simply couldn’t handle at that particular time however) . The interesting thing with Seniors is they expect you to “volunteer” and then they go through the process and you are absolutely correct it is impossible to “test drive” and I still have a herd of 40 cows and 20 some horses and it is impossible to organize for their care for even a 1 year mission at this point in time.
Humanist, thanks for your insight, I personally had never considered the issue from the Mission President point of view and can see just how stressful that could be on the President and his family. I also thank you for your final evaluation:
Quote:The best PR the Church can have is to see normal LDS people mainstreamed doing service, so I would stay and do exactly what you are doing.
Which I agree with, out in the “mission field” most Church members are busy enough with Church lives that active participation in community organizations is very difficult to fulfill and still keep all the other committments so it is important for us to get into those groups and simply share. It gets a bit complicated for some since by and large we do keep the Sabbath day holy, so some activities we won’t go to and so when we are involved with an organization we do shift its focus from Sunday activities to Saturday in most cases which I guess is a good thing.
The whole issue of being childless in the Church is very painful in so many ways and unless you quickly grow scars you can’t survive. I have finally quit going to Church on Mother’s and Father’s day Sundays just to avoid the pain. I don’t regret our decision to not adopt children, we really were a positive factor in a large number of teenager’s lives for 35 years so we did lots of “parenting” , but coming into this “home stretch” of retirement and “enduring to the end” it is clear that we will be on our own which has its own saddness.
I guess I am wondering what kind of pressure you are really receiving. I guess I can see a nudge from a bishop by way of a comment here or there. I can also see senior contemporaries sitting around talking out the implied “shoulds” but I am wondering why you would feel that everyone is looking at you like you are derelict in your duties. Many don’t go because they can’t financially afford it or have health concerns and are denied. It’s not like everyones health records are public knowledge. I guess I see more direct pressure on the 19 yr. old males than I do anyone else. If seniors don’t choose to go, my experience is that I don’t see the backlash you are describing. Sometimes I guess I see some “keep up with the Jones” kinds of stuff among older folks. I live in the heart of mormon central and I am not hearing the attitudes you describe, but maybe I don’t see it because I associate more with a younger demographic.
Could it be some ancient guilt voice in your head that is filling in what people aren’t necessarily meaning to send your way? Sometimes my brain does that and I have to remind myself to SOOPH! (stay out of people’s heads
On a side note, I remember going on a mission as a single sister and feeling a little backlash because I wasn’t doing my duty by staying home to get married. So interesting how these attitudes emerge in our culture. All the more reason to anchor oneself to the proper vision of things.
The Lord wants people who will serve “without compulsory means” as it says in Doctrine and Covenants Section 121. That old expression “do it willingly or don’t do it at all” has merit because I think the Lord wants people who are “anxiously engaged”, and doing so “out of their own free will” (apologies for all the “quotations”) In this case, your heart understandably isn’t in it, so you have at least three options:
a) Tell the Bishop you don’t want to go and any pressure you’re feeling, perceived or real, isn’t helping you and your wife at all. Politely explain its need to stop. Kindly stand your ground when he provides his reasons, and leave the meeting with the pressure off and your position heard.
Before you go this route, think about whether you’ll be happy with this decision in years hence when possibly, it won’t be physically possible to serve a mission due to health or other unexpected life events. You mentioned the lack of a mission has been a source of social angst for you; if so, then project yourself into the future and consider whether you’ll be happy with this decision from this future perspective.
b) Enjoy yourself for a while, leaving yourself open to the idea you might go in the future after you’ve had your fill of those hobbies and life experiences you and your wife want to have. Keep the Bishop at bay for a while and give him a lengthy time frame during which you should be left alone.
c) Change your heart and do what the Bishop wants. This latter one will take prayer, seeking the Lord, reflecting on overcoming any tendencies to put your will ahead of the Lord’s agenda etcetera. If/when you do change your heart, approach the Bishop with full purpose of heart and offer to go. (I don’t mean for part (c) to sound judgmental by the way — I’m in your position right now as it relates to taking on an other priesthood or leadership calling in my Ward, and I’m opting for option (b) above right now).
I do want to say that my mission was very positive. I had spiritual experiences that strengthened my testimony to the point I’ve been able to withstand some of the most heart-wrenching experiences at the hands of the Church and its members. I grew in my knowledge of the scriptures, and the studying for two hours a day became like basking in spiritual sunlight regularly. It was also hard, but my memories are almost entirely positive from the perspective of two decades later. I don’t regret going at all, and the knowledge I did a mission increases my confidence in a good outcome when I stand in front of the Lord.
However, I went willingly with this insatiable desire to do it. I wouldn’t make the decision to go until you’re in that place.
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