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I have asked the home teachers to help me set up the trampoline every year. The first time they did it, it saved us a lot of head ache because we did not know what we were doing and my home teacher did. Since then I look at it as a service that they can do WITH us that takes less than 30 minutes, fulfills an actual need that we have, and basically marks us off the list for another year. I agree that setting boundaries is good. Service within the LDS community is something we are known for – “taking care of their own”. We help others 1) because what goes around comes around. it is like the left hand washing the right. 2) because we desire to help people that are down on their luck and/or impoverished. 3) because our service to our fellow humans is a proxy for our service to God.
Roy thats perfectly fine in my book. We have friends that call on us for similar help and they jar fruit for us. It is such a fine line between serving someone that really needs it and being taken advantage of. I’m pretty bad at deciphering between the two before it’s too late. It’s hard to tell where the real needs are until you’re in the middle of the move etc. Couple that with the fact that many (moves especially) are last minute so there’s no way to assess the situation and plan better ( except for the person who knows that they are moving for months and doesn’t pack anything or tell anyone in advance).
I’ve been one of those that showed up for every project, service request, move, etc and most of them were legitimate. The ones that stuck out in my mind now are such as the examples here, a family that essentially wanted nothing to do with the church needs help so we go and help. Is there still merit in that; pray for them that despitefully use you? Being a Christian doesn’t mean being a doormat.
As I’ve gotten older and hopefully wiser, I’ve realized much of my wisdom has come from the experiences with those who despitefully used me.
Maybe it’s not wisdom but bitterness
mfree6464 wrote:
I think service vs free labor is in the eye of the beholder.
Very good point. And I suppose it could be from at least two perspectives additionally – the one serving/laboring and the one receiving the service/labor.
I’ve struggled with this since I was in young mens. Our entire stake’s youth had a service project with laying down sod for a new city park. We wore the yellow helping hands vests and everything. After it was all over, I couldn’t help but wonder if we just took jobs away from some people. Had we not done it, the city would’ve paid to have it done and some guys would’ve had a chance to bring home some more bacon for their families. Then again, we did save the city money so ultimately the taxpayers had one less thing the city wanted to squeeze money from them for… which I guess is service? Anyways, when it comes to the run of the mill ward service project (our ward has a whole sign up sheet passed around each Sunday if you have a project you want the ward to come help with
🙄 ) I usually try to approach it with looking at why I’m doing it. Am I doing it because I want to help someone in a meaningful way or am I just doing it because “service”? It’s easy to do something for the sake of service and get yourself that nice feeling. But, in reality it may not have even been a task that should’ve been done by you. Like with some earlier examples of building a roof that wasn’t up to code or able body teenagers being available but were playing video games inside instead.Of course though, when someone really truly needs the help and I’m the right person to be able to help them, I’ll gladly do it. It all just comes down to that very unhelpful answer: It depends.
I had a teaching moment on this today. I have a rental property and it needed painting. I wanted my 15 year old son to do it with me since he’s on a computer all the time and work is good for teenagers. He didn’t want to do it and said ‘Why don’t you just get the young men to do it?”. I explained that a) I’m not “putting in” to the local Ward much these days, so I can’t really “take out”. b) This is a for-profit venture, the rental property, and it’s not good to simply use people for free labor for such enterprises c) that we could afford to pay painters, and are able-bodied enough to do it ourselves.
I explained that service is there to help people who can’t help themselves, or perhaps to build community and relationship, and show you care. It’s not to simply sluff off work you don’t want to do yourself, and don’t want to pay anyone to do….
So, he’s been reluctantly painting, but I thought of this discussion thread when he posed the question.
Your first example of the single mother with sons and the bush trimming that one rubs me the wrong way. I have a spouse and a young teenage daughter. I was having some medical issues, my husband was working a lot, my child was dealing with her own stuff, and everyone was trying to pick up the slack. I asked my RS Pres (no VTs at the time) if anyone could clean my bathtub. The RS Pres was always saying if you ever need anything let me know. So I finally did. Her response was to tell me to pay two sisters who would be so blessed to be paid for the work and I said, look, if I was in the position to pay for it, I would. (this was all via email). Crickets.
People assume that just because I’m in Silicon Valley and my husband works in tech that we have a lot of extra crash. Nope. Especially at that time. And oh yeah, rent prices are crazy here. People also assume that the other two humans around here could just do it, but sometimes what people don’t understand is the emotional load from other things is making this one thing a big deal. It was driving me crazy, but I could not do it, my family was overloaded with work, school, and taking care of me. By the time I was well enough to get that damned tub washed, it was a very black, orange, and grey tub, the shower walls and doors were in the same state. It took so very long to clean that mold off, and I still have a little black in the grout that I haven’t figured out how to safely get rid of (we don’t have a proper fan in the bathroom and only a tiny window, so ventilation is an issue).
All because people make assumptions. I really felt judged and unsupported, and shamed for not being in a position to pay someone in the ward. I would have loved to do that if I had been able to afford it.
So I think we need to be careful about our judgments.
However, all these things that people do to take advantage of other members? Like the military paying for the move, or doing projects that are good for your business so you don’t pay for it, yeah, that’s not cool. Honestly, I prefer asking my friends to help me move than people from church. My friends actually care about me.
For me I 1) try to understand what service I can come to expect from church members, 2) ask for it, 3) Try to make it as painless as possible on the members that show up and 4) show gratitude. I know that the church usually helps with moves. I will ask for help loading the moving van. I will have everything packed and most of the small items already in the van. I will provide pizza and lemonade as thank you!
I know that the church usually provides some meals for health hardship. If my wife is in the hospital for surgery I ask for 3 days of meals (I want to feel supported by the ward but not so much that I am a burden). I graciously thank anyone who delivers those meals.
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