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I appreciate your sentiments about removing the contact restriction, but that is really beyond our control, her parents have instituted that as part of their discipline. I expect that it will not be long lasting because it is very difficult to enforce. The next time they would have seen each other anyway is stake conference this weekend and in that setting it will be very difficult to have any truly alone time. With her parents restricting contact, but you less interested in doing so, you actually have perfect example of not being able to choose the consequences of your actions. Contact with their daughter is up to their family, not up to yours. That’s why we should always treat other people, the family of other people, and the property of other people with equal regard to us and ours… because we don’t want others to feel that they can’t trust us with what is their domain. I agree with what Unknown said and I’ll give my opinion from the other side of the perspective. I have 4 grown sons and you can believe me when I say we’ve had to deal with it all (just about, no unwanted pregnancies, thank goodness
:crazy: ) We made A LOT of mistakes and we did a lot of things right. Looking back from where we are now, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t worry about the girl and what your son is, or is not, doing with her. I would worry about your relationship with your son. Don’t think I’m being dismissive of the seriousness of this for you, but we found that one of the best things we could do in these situations is change the subject. Example: when our youngest was 16, he was involved (including having sex) with a 14 year old who had dis-associative personality disorder from an abusive family. It was horrible. Fortunately, she lived about 30 minutes away and was in a different school district, so they didn’t see each other often. The worst thing we did was try to keep him away from her and forced him to see an LDS counselor. We thought it was the end of the world.During that time our family went on a cruise with several members of our extended family. At that point, he wasn’t speaking to us at all. During the cruise, none of us mentioned the girl or the situation with her. We had some fun excursions and he had some good times with is older brothers. He even started laughing with us again. It did a lot to repair our relationship. Shortly after, he decided to break up with her because he didn’t really like her and neither did any of his friends. Every time he tried, she threatened to kill herself. It was a nightmare. Eventually, she moved on to someone else (TG
:clap: ). I won’t say that things were a bed of roses with our son at first, but we had a starting point to repair our relationship.The upshot is that none of our “talks” (more like lectures) with him or forcing him into counseling did a bit of good, and made things worse. What worked was when we started treating him like we always had BEFORE this happened. I’m not saying you have to go on a cruise, but find some way to do something enjoyable with your son like you used to and that has nothing to do with the girl. If you don’t bring it up, he might lose interest on his own. The important thing is to repair and maintain your relationship with him.
Side note: That same son called while I was writing this to tell me he’s coming over tomorrow and taking me out to eat. He’s not active in church, but he’s a fine young man (he’s 22). We have a great relationship with him now .
writer63 wrote:I agree with what Unknown said and I’ll give my opinion from the other side of the perspective.
I have 4 grown sons and you can believe me when I say we’ve had to deal with it all (just about, no unwanted pregnancies, thank goodness
:crazy: ) We made A LOT of mistakes and we did a lot of things right. Looking back from where we are now, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t worry about the girl and what your son is, or is not, doing with her. I would worry about your relationship with your son. Don’t think I’m being dismissive of the seriousness of this for you, but we found that one of the best things we could do in these situations is change the subject. Example: when our youngest was 16, he was involved (including having sex) with a 14 year old who had dis-associative personality disorder from an abusive family. It was horrible. Fortunately, she lived about 30 minutes away and was in a different school district, so they didn’t see each other often. The worst thing we did was try to keep him away from her and forced him to see an LDS counselor. We thought it was the end of the world.During that time our family went on a cruise with several members of our extended family. At that point, he wasn’t speaking to us at all. During the cruise, none of us mentioned the girl or the situation with her. We had some fun excursions and he had some good times with is older brothers. He even started laughing with us again. It did a lot to repair our relationship. Shortly after, he decided to break up with her because he didn’t really like her and neither did any of his friends. Every time he tried, she threatened to kill herself. It was a nightmare. Eventually, she moved on to someone else (TG
:clap: ). I won’t say that things were a bed of roses with our son at first, but we had a starting point to repair our relationship.The upshot is that none of our “talks” (more like lectures) with him or forcing him into counseling did a bit of good, and made things worse. What worked was when we started treating him like we always had BEFORE this happened. I’m not saying you have to go on a cruise, but find some way to do something enjoyable with your son like you used to and that has nothing to do with the girl. If you don’t bring it up, he might lose interest on his own. The important thing is to repair and maintain your relationship with him.
Side note: That same son called while I was writing this to tell me he’s coming over tomorrow and taking me out to eat. He’s not active in church, but he’s a fine young man (he’s 22). We have a great relationship with him now .
Great post.
Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
Thanks, Writer63, and indeed I am more concerned with the relationship than the sexting/sex. My wife is probably more concerned with the latter, although she has been beating herself up over the relationship as well. I have tried to broach the subject regarding her tendency to be preachy before but she sees it as being driven my unbelief. That’s not to say she hasn’t made some progress, but the part of him not speaking to us (when I had little to do with it in any way) is in part due to her grizzly mom preachiness. Over this past week he has become a little less surly, and I have tried to treat him the same throughout – but that’s difficult when there’s little communication. We can’t afford a cruise (although that would be great) and our usual family togetherness activity involves camping – we still have snow on the ground here and it was 20 degrees yesterday. But your point is well taken, we’ll work on it. Thank you for your insight as one who has been there. writer63 wrote:The important thing is to repair and maintain your relationship with him.
Thanks so much for this post; it really makes an impression.
Writer, FANTASTIC post. I loved it and will likely save it to reference during our upcoming “teen years”. Thank you so much for posting. It made me tear up to hear that your son was calling to take you to dinner. Love. DarkJedi wrote:My wife is probably more concerned with the latter, although she has been beating herself up over the relationship as well. I have tried to broach the subject regarding her tendency to be preachy before but she sees it as being driven my unbelief. That’s not to say she hasn’t made some progress, but the part of him not speaking to us (when I had little to do with it in any way) is in part due to her grizzly mom preachiness. Over this past week he has become a little less surly, and I have tried to treat him the same throughout – but that’s difficult when there’s little communication. We can’t afford a cruise (although that would be great) and our usual family togetherness activity involves camping – we still have snow on the ground here and it was 20 degrees yesterday. But your point is well taken, we’ll work on it. Thank you for your insight as one who has been there.
I feel for you. I am in the same shoes. My husband “blames” my free loving “Hippie-ish” parenting on my FT. Which isn’t entirely true, but it causes me to take more a backseat than I would have prior to FT because I feel guilty for changing. It is such a balancing act. I am so glad to hear that your son less”surly”.
Outstanding post by writer. The relationship is a separate issue then approval of what they are doing.
A lot of people confuse the 2. Each one of us, in a different time does this.
It’s because we confuse thought and feelings and relate them to each other.
I suffered a great deal growing up. But I would like some type of relationship with my family and parents.
Disconnecting feelings from thought helps a great deal to understanding how we interact with one another, especially those you love with all your heart.
Updating this situation, we are aware that the two have contact everyday, usually by Twitter or chatting on Facebook. As stated earlier, we don’t have a problem with them contacting one another because we didn’t want to set up a Romeo & Juliet scenario and because it’s practically impossible to prevent contact. Her parents, who are trying to prevent contact (and are also using the excuse her grades need improvement), are apparently not aware that they have been in contact. I should also note that while we are not restricting the contact itself, we have put restrictions on use of the tablet/computer to be in open spaces in the home and not behind closed doors. We realize that sexting can still happen but it may be less likely. So, last night our son wanted us to call her parents and ask if it would be OK if he attended their ward activity. Their building is 30 miles away, and we have never attended any ward activity of any kind there in the past. He said we had to call because if she asked them they would know the two are communicating, and he just had to see here. There is a stake activity next weekend where he will see her anyway. We refused to call because we had no intention of taking him to a ward activity there. He finally understood that, but it was a battle for a bit.
They also have talked about attending EFY together, something that simply is not going to happen.
Tell your son that if he dies while he’s in this sordid sexting relationship, he’ll go to Hell, and tell him that Hell is a horrible horrible place where demons stab him with pitchforks over and over. That’s what kept me semi-chaste when I was a teenager… the fear of hellfire and damnation. Another option is to get rid of the Internet in your house completely, so that if he does sext with his girlfriend, it has to be outside of your house.
Or maybe you could kick him out of the house, or threaten to kick him out of the house. This was one tactic my parents used. It’s pretty harsh, but it’s effective.
telemoonka, I hope some of your latest comments are in jest – an attempt at humor. If so, please add an icon indicating humor.
If not, we are going to have an administrative talk – and that is not a humorous comment.
None of your suggestions are going to happen telemoonka. Old-Timer wrote:telemoonka, I hope some of your latest comments are in jest – an attempt at humor.
If so, please add an icon indicating humor.
If not, we are going to have an administrative talk – and that is not a humorous comment.
I too hope that’s humor. That strongly reminds me of my childhood on different subjects and that did not end well for me.
I’m pretty sure it was meant as satire. Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
I think so, as well – but it needs to be clear in cases like that. Emoticons are wonderful for conveying meaning that isn’t obvious with just the words but needs to be.
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