Sexual sin outside of marriage

[Anonymous]

This has been a source of disillusionment for me for many of the people in the church. I knew I failed in this area before I was married and everyone knew it because I was a pregnant teen bride who chose to own up instead of hiding it. I felt like everyone would always know and treat me as less, which most of them did. It’s something I always felt dirty about even after working my way back from being disfellowshipped and finally getting sealed in the temple. The level of guilt that comes with the brainwashed idea that it is the “the sin next to murder” runs way too deep. But the more deep relationships I developed with other members the more truth came out. Every single one of the people who I got to know intimately eventually ended up admitting to me that they went to the temple when “they shouldn’t have.” I think they ended up telling me when they wouldn’t tell others because I couldn’t hide that I did it. They had probably wished they could tell someone for years and never felt they could but figured I wouldn’t judge and finally they wouldn’t be alone. And later after the advent of AOL and instant messaging, the elder’s quorum president wouldn’t quit chasing me for an affair. (He thought he could hide who he was- crazy,) Then more than one “upstanding” member hit on me behind their wive’s’ backs. Then I was divorced, and all these people who I knew were having sex would then proclaim in their internet profiles and to the singles ward members that they were “temple worthy” and “only looking for a temple worthy spouse.” I watched so many people deal with such extreme guilt after failing that they succumbed to depression or inactivity or ruining their otherwise great dating relationships. Then I remarried, and my LDS husband had worked in an abortion clinic in Salt Lake some years prior. I got to hear all the horror stories of girls who had to have their abortions so they could fit in their temple dresses etc. At the clinic they actually referred to Friday night as the “BYU Special” because they would be inundated by the LDS girls who came in after Friday classes and got their abortions done Friday night so they could go make it back to sit in church on Sunday. Out of all the people who I got close enough to in my life, I know one guy and one girl (not together- different singles who I know) who I believe haven’t “fallen.” Both have told me at different times they just happen to have absolutely no desire for sex at all. Not with men, not with women- they just have no drive. And that is just not normal– I wouldn’t want to end up married to one of those! Yet the church would have us believe they are somehow inherently better than us. Really? They don’t even have any temptation at all- there is nothing to fight. Of course they will stay “pure.” It’s easy for them to avoid it- they don’t want it anyway!

I started to wonder if the church’s perception of reality is backwards. They want us to think that most everyone stays good, and only a small weak number fail, and if we fail we are one of the few. So we are tempted to hide it in shame of course! But I am thinking it’s the other way around. I think most people who don’t marry the first person they date after 3 weeks “fail” and very few make it to the temple “pure.” It’s just biology.

I have taken many psychology classes in my time and am very familiar with Maslow’s pyramid and other such theories. I always got the impression from most of my classes and also for sure from the church that sex is a luxury. Something you can and should only have if you can afford it (or meet the criteria) and you are broken if you can’t seem to avoid it. But I took another class last summer and heard another theory on basic needs and sex was one of them; listed right next to food, water and shelter. (I don’t remember the name of the theory, sorry) And I pondered that. Not a want. Not a luxury. A need. A basic human need right next to food. So I thought- WTH? If it is such a NEED- not a WANT, then WTH are we beating ourselves up so much for when we “fail?” Could it be that we are actually placing too high of an emphasis on this almost unattainable goal?

I am not saying it’s right or wrong to have sex outside of marriage because I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything anymore. I used to think I did. But I do think we shouldn’t be so harsh to judge (others or ourselves.) We are not so alone. One thing I know- if the church even does have most of the answers it doesn’t have all of them and sometimes they are wrong. (Yep I know I am such a heretic right? But it’s true!) You are not broken. You were programmed to do what you are doing. If it wasn’t such a NEED our race would have died out. I think most people in most circumstances would choose to not do it is it was so easy. Sex historically just complicates too much.

[Anonymous]

Nice to hear from you RagDollSally. Hope life is treating you well.

[Author]

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