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It’s a very common approach to shelter children from the “bad” things in the world- pornography, violence, drugs, alcohol, etc… While this might be sufficient for a little while, it’s obviously not going to last. You don’t have control over every possible avenue of “corruption” unless you homeschool them and never take them outside the house. The time will come when they face temptation.
For instance, some parents seem to think that if you just put enough blocks on the internet that porn problems will be prevented. What about when they’re away at college? At a friend’s house?
I don’t have any data to back this up, but I suspect that over-sheltering actually has a reverse effect in the long run because it does not give sufficient opportunities for kids to learn self-control, responsibility, accountability, and repentance. Some sheltering is probably a net benefit (IMO, living in an orthodox LDS home is itself a form of sheltering, but that is not bad), but there comes a point where stricter sheltering might actually be creating more problems than it solves. In some cases, it may lull parents into a false sense of security that their kids are doing nothing wrong, when in reality, they are addicted to weed and porn (for example) and are afraid to admit it because their parents don’t believe it’s possible. Mistakes are inevitable, but they are learning experiences, not stains on our souls.
And no matter what, I feel a home needs to be a place where it is safe to fail. Ideally, it should be an environment where kids are not afraid to talk to their parents about their mistakes and where the parents are never too busy to listen.
Evangelical Christian Protestant youth have one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the US. There is a time and a place for sheltering, but overdoing it and trying to do so when it basically is impossible hurts more than it helps.
I guess that’s a good point / example. Perhaps a good name for that phenomenon is the “abstinence paradox.” In that vein, I plan on approaching sexuality with my future kids something like this: “Having sex before marriage is a terrible idea and it is morally wrong. Don’t do it… But if you do, do it safely. Use a condom and make sure it’s consensual.”
If you want to true behavior change, I think there has to come a point when people are free to choose the bad stuff or not — and then decide to choose the good stuff. I have found it’s better NOT to be over punitive, over sheltering, to the point the bad stuff tastes so good due to a) the fact that it testes good b) you normally can’t have it and c) it feels good to rebel against the parents. The next quote from LDS Sexual Therapist Dr. Jennifer Finlayson Fife: Quote:I had a friend who was telling me she was so afraid of her children becoming a
porn addict, and her boys were three and five years old. She was literally
throwing herself in front of the magazines in the grocery store stand when
someone was in a swimsuit or in a suggestive position. I said, “You’re turning
them into porn addicts. With all due respect, your high anxiety—you’re basically
saying you don’t trust your boys and you are showing them how high anxiety this
is. You are forging curiosity. You’re forging true feelings in them.” High curiosity
because what is it that mom is throwing herself in front of magazines and trying
to keep it from me? You can’t hide fear that whatever this is that it’s dangerous
and it’s bad. Those two ideas pressure porn use. I can’t actually integrate these
feelings inside of me in a pro-social loving way, it’s toxic. What’s inside of me is
destructive. I can’t have access to it. It’s being forbidden. There’s so much
anxiety. It’s like the idea you can’t ever have sweets. Next thing you know,
you’re eating half a pan in the pantry.
She goes on to say that she models healthy sexuality in her own home. She may compliment her husband or kiss him deeply. She is showing her kids that sexuality is good but that it is also part of being committed to one very important person – not to be trivialized as often happens in wider culture.
I think moderately sheltering our children is good and healthy. Some people allow their kids to be in abusive situations and justify it as a way to “teach their kids life lessons”. I believe that there is something important about kids knowing that they have “shelter” – that their home is a safe place. OTOH, the goal is not to imprison our children is safe places. The goal is to eventually empower them and equip them to face a sometimes unforgiving world. I therefore believe that having honest and age appropriate discussions about some of the less savory topics of the world is important.
I have given much thought to this. My father treated us children from a very young age as if we were mature people who happened to be learning how to interact with others, and who could be relied on to do so poorly. He never saw us as “children” who were growing into “adults” – but rather “adults” with “child” capabilities. He got a lot of flack and weird looks for this because it is not traditional, but from what I can tell, his relationships with his children never hit a crisis because the parent didn’t know how to treat the new “adult” who had been their “child”. I am striving to treat my daughters the same way.
I think that children should be “sheltered” from things that they do not currently have the capability of struggling to deal with them. For example, my 8 year old daughter is not ready to deal with tying shoe laces for a variety of reasons. Now, I could insist that she work on this skill and focus on it right now because she “should” be able to tie her shoes – or I can make sure she has non-tie shoes and focus on something else like cutting with scissors because she is capable of working on that goal and it is an end to the means (of tying shoes). I honestly don’t think there is 1 “big” conversation about sexuality when the child is a teenager or getting married, but rather many, many “small” conversations about what is considered appropriate when and why.
^^This. AmyJ wrote:
I have given much thought to this.My father treated us children from a very young age as if we were mature people who happened to be learning how to interact with others, and who could be relied on to do so poorly. He never saw us as “children” who were growing into “adults” – but rather “adults” with “child” capabilities. He got a lot of flack and weird looks for this because it is not traditional, but from what I can tell, his relationships with his children never hit a crisis because the parent didn’t know how to treat the new “adult” who had been their “child”. I am striving to treat my daughters the same way. I think that children should be “sheltered” from things that they do not currently have the capability of struggling to deal with them. For example, my 8 year old daughter is not ready to deal with tying shoe laces for a variety of reasons. Now, I could insist that she work on this skill and focus on it right now because she “should” be able to tie her shoes – or I can make sure she has non-tie shoes and focus on something else like cutting with scissors because she is capable of working on that goal and it is an end to the means (of tying shoes). I honestly don’t think there is 1 “big” conversation about sexuality when the child is a teenager or getting married, but rather many, many “small” conversations about what is considered appropriate when and why.
:clap: You’re dad sounds like an awesome person. I want to do just that with my kids – I have been doing that with my nieces and nephews. I don’t like being condescending to children; I know I hated it when adults talked down to me, starting probably around the time I was in senior primary, maybe earlier. The “talking to a child” voice bugs me and IMO accomplishes nothing. It’s just one of those silly things that is part of Western culture (maybe just American? Maybe broader? IDK).
I think you nailed it on the head, AmyJ. Thank you.
I also liked the thought on the mother who threw herself in front of swimsuit magazines to “protect” her boys from porn, when in reality she was really just fostering curiosity. Very illustrative example.
one approach doesn’t fit all families or even members within the same family. I believe life eventually finds us all…and so we have to learn to face and deal with the things that are in this life that are negative and give the kids the tools to handle them when faced.
But some may do better with some protection until older and ready to handle it, while some may do better to be exposed to things early with more info on avoiding the problems of things.
As parents in today’s world…we have to figure out what we believe is best and do our best. Even the approach for me growing up won’t necessarily apply to my kids or grandkids.
I was never a fan of home schooling for this reason…seemed too protective and removes opportunities to grow by handling social situations. But things are so different now…I know many that do well with home schooling…I can see why it works for some.
I would say where the problem is universally wrong is when the parent is selfishly unable to let go of control of the kids…and cross the line from protecting and into controlling their world, even if well intentioned. That goes against the plan of salvation. At some point…you have to trust the children and let go and be there for them when they stumble…life finds us all sooner or later.
Great Thoughts, Heber! I am fond of the “Love and Logic” tips for parenting for this reason. The gist of it is 1) you set up/enforce the rules (You need to do your homework and turn it on Friday) 2) You state the consequences of the rules (As you turn in your homework on Friday, you will earn x privilege. Your teacher will mark your homework as complete and give you credit.) 3) As the child turns in their homework, you remind them of the positive consequences (such as an ice cream cone). As your child does not turn in their homework, you say something like “Gosh, I am sorry to hear that your homework wasn’t turned in on time – that really stinks. It must have really hurt not to earn the ice cream cone this week. What are you going to do next week to make sure that you turn in your homework so you can get the positive consequence you want?” The “Love” part is having and displaying empathy for their situation. The “Logic” part is brain-storming to develop protocols for making better choices and accepting the consequences.
Old Timer wrote:
Evangelical Christian Protestant youth have one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in the US.There is a time and a place for sheltering, but overdoing it and trying to do so when it basically is impossible hurts more than it helps.
They may well do, but I see plenty of evidence to the contrary here. We are highly secular in this country and still have a high teenage pregnancy rate.
And sex ed here is pretty good. In fact it was a bit too detailed when I watched it at high school. But it never completely stopped unprotected sex or pregnancy among us. The same can be said for our drugs ed – very detailed but never stopped it happening.
I was exposed to pornography at the age of seven and learnt about sex at that age (slightly distorted). That was WAY TOO YOUNG and I hope to God no child of mine learns about it then. I would wait a few years. That said, I think it is important small children can identify abusers when they turn up and know that it is wrong. Another matter.
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