Should I Ask to be Released?

[Anonymous]

This is my first post here. I grew up in the church, served a mission, graduated from BYU, married in the temple, and now have three small children with a 4th on the way.

A desire to be more authentic with my stated beliefs, and with what I teach other people at church on Sundays, has led me to investigate more deeply the origins of the church. I have tried to avoid “anti” sites in my quest for understanding, though I wanted to venture outside of lds.org because I felt that my learning would be biased if I only looked to one source. This inquiry has created a lot of unresolved questions in my mind.

I have expressed my feelings and some of the things I have learned to my wife. She has been supportive, but every now and then I see how much it hurts her that my testimony is in question.

I am struggling to keep searching for truth because it is emotionally exhausting. At the same time I am struggling with a desire to remain active and fully participating. I feel like my wife and I are barely keeping up with the demands for 3 young kids under age 5 (over-nighters with the scouts and weekly mutual activities feel like a burden), and I have serious emotional conflict when Sundays come around because I want to be honest with the deacons I am teaching, but I also want to help them have faith and be better young men.

Do you think I should ask to be released? Does anyone ever return to full faith in the church after experiencing a crisis of faith like I have ?

Thank you for your thoughts. If you have personal experience, I would love to hear what you have to say.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation.

It’s hard to advise because in my opinion it really depends on individual circumstances, it all comes down to what you decide that you really need for yourself. That may sound selfish on the surface but if selfishness were a factor then there would be no dilemma.

Family first. David O. McKay said “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” That’s often cited as a warning not to devote too much time to work but it extends to church service as well.

You also have to take care of yourself. Like you said, a faith transition can be emotionally exhausting. It requires a great deal of effort. I know from firsthand experience that it’s hard to be on the “front lines” while you feel like you need time away from it all to work things out.

So it sounds like I’m trying to convince you that you should ask to be released, that’s not my intention. To state my intention more clearly: you have to decide for yourself, which I know doesn’t help you one bit. The reason I posted was just to let you know that you can be comfortable and at peace with whatever decision you end up making. Take comfort and draw strength from the fact that it’s your decision.

jaboc84 wrote:

Does anyone ever return to full faith in the church after experiencing a crisis of faith like I have ?

I debated on how best to answer this question and from the various thoughts that came to my mind I decided on the one that will make me sound like a complete lunatic.

First I’m going to fixate on the phrase “full faith.” I’m still a work in progress so hindsight in this case is probably closer to 20/100 than 20/20 but… I now view my pre-crisis faith as the one that was limited. At the time I thought my pre-crisis faith was full, 100%. Then I had my faith crisis and afterwards a faith transition. Those experiences gave me a small window that allowed me to see that there was a lot more out there. My “full” faith from before the crisis only represented a small fraction of what I now see to be limitless potential. My previous faith had constraints, limits, rules. My new faith doesn’t have to have those things. I’m more free to believe what I believe without worrying whether it adheres to a locked down dogma.

But you said return to a full faith in the church. Again, it depends on whatever ends up working for the individual. For me, that answer was no… but that’s ok. In some ways I think I had faith in the wrong thing. Before most of my faith centered around the church whereas now I try to make my faith centered around Christ. The church is just a group of imperfect saints doing the best they can. The church is limited by human imperfection. Christ has no such limitations. If I center my faith on the latter it too can be limitless.

Sorry for the length of this post. I’ve been trying to get better with being more concise.

Oh, and welcome to staylds.

[Anonymous]

Hi jaboc84,

First off, welcome to StayLDS. Glad you found us.

I don’t have a good answer for you either. You will find that to be a pretty common theme here. 🙂

In am in a similar place as you and so I can relate. Mid thirties, three kids (all 6 and under). My calling is at the stake level (not in the SP). I have had many doubts and questions for a long time and my current calling was a catalyst for bring up all these issues to the forefront. Along with nibbler, my “faith transition” is still a work in progress.

As DarkJedi would say: Take it slow, don’t dump all at once, and focus on what you do believe.

So perhaps a couple things to think about:

1) I know for me, I really love the gospel and the church (two different things). There are things that happen and get taught at church that I don’t agree with, but overall there are a lot of wonderful people there and I know I would not be as spiritual and service oriented without it. So if not at our church, where?

2) A friend of mine told me recently that the Bishop in his ward attempted to to put a boy in the Addiction Recovery Program because he confessed to masturbation. IMHO a destructive and harmful act to the soul of that boy. So if you are not serving in your calling who would it be? (this is perhaps an extreme example, but something I have been pondering about the last couple of days). Perhaps you might be able to bring relief and help to a suffering young man in his time of need and empathize in a way that someone else cannot. I know its a reason I stay in my calling. But you must decide what is best for you, and if you need space, then by all means take it.

3) This faith rebuilding process is exhausting and time consuming. But its also amazing! I feel like a new convert. I am able to examine and turn my faith around and see how it appears from different angles and perspectives. I am able to engage with church history and the scriptures in a way I have never been able to in the past. My thirst for knowledge from all good books is open in a way right now that I shut down before because I was scared of how it would affect my “testimony”. Its a journey.

4) There are many good posts here about how to work through this with a more Orthodox spouse. Luckily my wife and I are on the same page, so that makes things a bit easier, but others here are in a similar situation as you. Seek them out for advice and perspective.

Not sure that helps. Looking forward to hearing about your journey.

SBRed

[Anonymous]

Thank you both nibbler and SunbeltRed. It’s nice knowing other people are experiencing similar challenges as I am.

Quote:

My previous faith had constraints, limits, rules. My new faith doesn’t have to have those things. I’m more free to believe what I believe without worrying whether it adheres to a locked down dogma.

I am beginning to experience some of this. Maybe not exactly the same (because I don’t yet see my faith as being stronger than it once was), but I find myself capable of much more compassion and understanding. A couple weeks ago a young man was ridiculed and made to feel guilty because he said he couldn’t help collect fast-offerings. A few years ago I might have joined them in an attempt get him to do the right thing. Instead I felt compassion for him and wondered what might be going on in his life that limited his desire to serve. The next week I tried to help the deacons have a better understanding of how we should treat and lead others (persuasion, long-suffering, etc.).

I think this experience also relates well to what SunbeltRed said:

Quote:

Perhaps you might be able to bring relief and help to a suffering young man in his time of need and empathize in a way that someone else cannot.

[Anonymous]

Strong with the force you are, SBR. You have learned well.

Hi Jaboc84, and welcome. Your story is not all that uncommon here. Alas, I can’t answer your questions, either. I can help you find your own answers, though. But first I want to say something that I have pondered on and realized recently – in God’s eyes we are not “the church.” We’re a bunch of individuals, all different and all at different places in our journeys. I don’t “know” this because I don’t really know very much, but I am pretty confident that this is how God sees us (and please understand I am using a very ambiguous definition of God here).

As to being released, I think it depends on what you feel comfortable with. I was gospel doctrine teacher when the walls came tumbling down. At that time I felt as though I could not teach that which I did not believe, and asked to be released. If I thought there was a way I could have continued teaching that class, I would have continued, but at that time there wasn’t. I’m still not sure I could, 10 years later (much of it inactive), but I do believe more now than I believed then. So, are you comfortable and confident that you can teach your deacons what they need to know and help them to be good people without compromising your own beliefs? Yes, doing so may mean not telling them everything you know – biting your tongue would be an important skill. Also, don’t discount the whole idea of your family life – Nibbler is right, church work should not keep you from your (more important) responsibilities as a father and husband. Most bishops understand this. Our ward went through a period where young guys were called into the YMP and as Scoutmasters because it was perceived they could relate to the kids and had the physical abilities to do the job. In the long run, bishops realized this was a mistake – it was much more effective to call guys with skin in the game (parents of teen boys). You might not get as far with that argument (called of God and all that).

Does anyone return to full faith? I suppose that depends on your definition of full faith. When the walls tumbled, I essentially lost all faith – I was agnostic and close to atheist. Over time (mostly the last couple years) I have managed to rebuild my faith (it’s still a work in progress), mostly with the support of the great people here. I often find myself comparing my faith to a building – my new faith building looks different from the old one, but in some ways it’s stronger than the old one. About 3 months ago (while still inactive) I was called to serve on the high council. I do hold a temple recommend. There are lots of things I question about the church and some things I doubt – but I’m good with it. I am fully active, and I see my faith as full (I can answer the TR questions) but growing. I will never be able to return to the faith I previously had – that building is gone. If that’s what returning to full faith is, then yes.

You are fortunate to have a supportive wife. With her and with your children my advice already given to you by SBR is most important.

May you find the peace you seek. I hope we can help you do so.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jacob84,

I am a long time lurker here and rarely post. I think I made a few comments 3 years or so ago and then went back to reading posts only. Something that you said sounded so familiar to me that I wanted to put in my two cents worth.

jaboc84 wrote:

I have serious emotional conflict when Sundays come around because I want to be honest with the deacons I am teaching, but I also want to help them have faith and be better young men.

There is absolutely nothing that says that you can’t be honest with the Deacons and yet still not tell them all of your doubts and worries.

I says this from the heart and from experience. My own doubts peaked while I was called in the YM presidency and teaching the Teacher’s Quorum. I slowly began to refine my teaching style to move from teaching verbatim what the lesson said to teaching the principles behind the lesson. I looked for every opportunity to teach Christ, love and forgiveness. And when a lesson came around that I simply did not feel comfortable teaching, I didn’t. I either conveniently switched to a different lesson or had the other adviser teach the lesson that week (you do have two deep leadership, right?).

I am not advocating that you stay in your calling or ask to be released. That is a personal decision that only you can make (as everyone else has told you already). I simply wanted to let you know that if you really want to continue to be an influence in the boys’ lives, you definitely can continue to do so. Personally, my time in the YM program was the best calling I have ever had in the church.

Good luck in your walk.

[Anonymous]

I recently asked to be released from a calling that I no longer felt I could do while remaining true to what I have come to believe. I am not totally against accepting a new calling sometime in the future, but for now it is nice to have some more time for my wife and baby. I have been using that time to work on our relationship. It seems to be helping. I don’t think my wife is as concerned about my new beliefs now that she sees I am still trying to be a good husband and father. I definitely can’t tell you what to do in your situation. Your story sounds similar to mine in many ways, but that doesn’t mean what was right for me will be right for you. I can only say that if you choose to be released, I recommend using any time that it frees up to strengthen your most important relationships.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw, I have full faith in my own view of the Church – with the understanding that my faith in anything is subject to change as I continue to change and understand things better.

In the end, that’s all I can ask of myself – and I believe it’s all God requires. “Dictates of their own conscience,” “line upon line, precept upon precept,” and all that jazz. I figure if even Jesus of Nazareth grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man, I’m okay with that same sort of journey.

[Anonymous]

jaboc84 wrote:

I feel like my wife and I are barely keeping up with the demands for 3 young kids under age 5 (over-nighters with the scouts and weekly mutual activities feel like a burden)

I feel for you. I was in that situation 3 years ago. And I have added two more kids in that time, with one more on the way! By early December we will have 6 kids age 9 and under. It’s incredibly time consuming and stressful to fulfill the needs of that many young kids. All kids have needs, no matter what age. But the young ones tend to be more time consuming (correct me if I’m wrong, all you parents of older kids), and when you have more than one that young it can get overwhelming really fast. At one point we had three kids in diapers at the same time. I felt like I spent an hour or more a day just changing diapers—not to mention all their other needs, plus the extremely poor quality of sleep we were getting due to multiple nighttime wakings. How could I possibly have time and energy for a calling on top of all that? I think we only managed that period of our lives because I was lucky enough to be able to work from home and I did not in fact have a calling (I was refusing all callings due to my faith crisis). My wife had some fairly easy teaching assignments, and we managed.

If I get and accept a calling in the future, I plan to be very explicit about how much time I feel I can commit. If they don’t like it, they can ask someone else. Of course I talk tough, but I’m very nonconfrontational and would have a hard time enforcing that in reality. I do, however, very strongly agree with the quote Nibbler posted from McKay: “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” Only you can decide what will constitute failure in your home—and you have the right, the expectation even, to tell your bishop what your family’s needs are.

Does anyone have advice for countering a bishop who claims the Lord will provide and bless you for making those sacrifices? Or maybe that your service in the church will serve as a great example to your kids?

jaboc84 wrote:

Does anyone ever return to full faith in the church after experiencing a crisis of faith like I have ?

Like others, I think this depends on what you mean by “full faith in the church”? If you mean going back to exactly like it was before—no. I don’t think that’s possible. Your experience, your dark night of the soul, will always be part of your experience and will qualitatively change your future faith, whatever that ends up being. There are those who return to a more orthodox type of faith after a faith crisis. But I think they are rare, and their faith is still colored by, and in a way always reacting to, the experience of having been through a faith crisis. Some people end up leaving the church. Some never regain any faith but still stay with the church. And some people end up developing a new and different kind of faith, as you have now gathered from other responses.

[Anonymous]

Daeruin wrote:

jaboc84 wrote:

Does anyone ever return to full faith in the church after experiencing a crisis of faith like I have ?

Like others, I think this depends on what you mean by “full faith in the church”? If you mean going back to exactly like it was before—no. I don’t think that’s possible. Your experience, your dark night of the soul, will always be part of your experience and will qualitatively change your future faith, whatever that ends up being. There are those who return to a more orthodox type of faith after a faith crisis. But I think they are rare, and their faith is still colored by, and in a way always reacting to, the experience of having been through a faith crisis. Some people end up leaving the church. Some never regain any faith but still stay with the church. And some people end up developing a new and different kind of faith, as you have now gathered from other responses.

Yes, this. If you are wondering about full activity, TR holding, etc. again yes, we do exist.

[Anonymous]

I have a few thoughts. I taught gospel essentials for a long time while in the midst of realigning my personal beliefs with my new view of the church and “the gospel”. I felt your tension regularly.

1. Focus on the things you can teach with integrity. If you get a particularly difficult lesson, then skip it for another one you can teach with integrity. You can focus your lesson on one or two points you feel good about, and use activities to fill up the time (teaching kinds of activities). Even guest speakers/teachers.

2. Consider what your wife’s position is, on getting released. I personally am not willing to give up my marriage for my unorthodoxy.

3. Remember the church is a good place for kids to grow up as long as you inoculate them against the bad stuff (judgmentalism, cultural values that actually hurt people, etc). Keep figuring out how to be at peace with it — being “in” the church, but not “of” the church.

HOpe that helps.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t sing that song…

“Please release me, let me go… for I can’t take it anymore….”

[Author]

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