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Hi guys, I’ve got a bit of a dilemma.
A few months ago, I was called into the Relief Society presidency in my ward. When my bishop extended the call, I was upfront with him about my doubts. I explained that I’d love to help in any way I could, but I wasn’t sure I should be in a visible position because I was struggling with my testimony of the Restoration. He was surprised, but told me that he felt very good about the calling and believed I would bring a special love to the sisters. We talked, and together decided it would be okay for me to take the calling. I promised I’d keep my concerns to myself and do my best to simply serve the women and show them unconditional love.
Two weeks later, a new bishop was put in.
Fast forward four months. Far from going away, my doubts have deepend. I believe I can be a supportive, loving participant in the LDS community and maintain a positive outlook for my family’s sake and the sake of our fellow congregants–but the more I study and pray, the more convinced I become that the church’s claims to Truth and Authority (with a capital “T” and “A” [seriously not trying to be naughty]) are not exactly what they say they are.
Now my temple recommend expires in 5 days. At this point, I’m not sure I could get it renewed–but more importantly, I don’t think I want to. My new bishop is a great guy, but I totally DREAD this kind of conversation with him. I’m on pins and needles, wondering if he’s going to call me in for a TR interview.
Also, every time I attend a Relief Society meeting or act in an “official” capacity, I feel pretty crummy–like I’m lying. My former bishop said it probably wasn’t necessary to tell the RS president (who is a REALLY awesome person) about my situation, but he’s gone now, and I’m wondering if I have an obligation to let her know.
Essentially, I’m a little freaked out. On the one hand, I’m scared to tell my new bishop and/or RS president the truth. It could have social repurcussions for my family ane me…not to mention the fact that I’d let down all the sisters. I don’t want to shine a spotlight on my doubts, lest I bring someone down with me! On the other hand, I’m feeling pretty dishonest because of my calling and the fact that NO ONE KNOWS. It’s a yucky feeling. I don’t like it.
I’m wondering…
What is the most morally correct, loving thing I could do here? Is this a situation where it’s better to keep it to myself and just ride it out until/unless someone finds out (i.e. the bishop notices my TR has expired)? Or is it better to be honest with people and let them decide what to do with me? Should I tell the bishop? Should I tell the RS president?
Heck, should I out-and-out lie?
(I HATE lying, though, so that’s not really a good option for me.)
I’d love to hear some advice on this one. After the RS broadcast this evening, I was feeling pretty bad, so I thought I’d air it out here. Thanks for listening and this wonderful, supportive place.
Don’t lie – but don’t create a conflict where none might exist. 1) You were called by a Bishop to a calling. Unless you are released by the new Bishop, through his own inspiration, why would you question your continuation in the calling to which you were called?
2) Perhaps your new Bishop will be just as supportive as the old one. Perhaps your RS Pres would be understanding. Perhaps not. There’s no way to know for sure unless you make it an issue, but why make it an issue? Why expend energy worrying about something that might never come to fruition? If it does, it does; fine. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t; fine.
3) My father taught me to deal with life now, in the present – NOT concerns over what life might be in the future. “Sufficient for tomorrow is the evil thereof” (or however the quote goes), so don’t add to today’s worries by borrowing from a future that might or might not happen.
4) Can you answer the TR interview questions honestly as John lays out in his interview overview – perhaps not with the exact same meaning and interpretation as the standard, orthodox understanding, but honestly with your own understanding? If so, what’s the issue? If not, deal with it in its proper time.
5) Some mountains exist in nature; others are self-created from molehills. This isn’t necessarily a natural mountain. Don’t force it to be one unless it’s unavoidable at some point.
6) Finally, if there is one thing I have taken from your participation here over time, it is that you care about what others think about you – not to a co-dependent extent, but still in a way that causes you angst and turmoil that need not be if you were more confident in your own standing before God and/or internally. That concern is a good thing in some ways in your life, but it still needs to be refined to eliminate areas like this where you are unduly concerned about doing what’s “proper” – as opposed to simply doing your best and being satisfied with that best.
Summary, try to understand that your best is all you can do – and that it’s enough, no matter what others might do or think.
Hi katielangston As usual Ray is absolutely spot on with his range of advice, I think I want him to adopt me so he could be my uncle or something
I know how you feel, at least I think I do. I served in my ward RS presidency before moving. I started out TBM and started on my faith journey while in that calling. I have actually only told my husband about my questions and conclusions. I worked with the Enrichment committee which was fun and non-doctrinal. When it was my turn to teach I focused on lessons about charity, love, prayer, etc. It was actually really nice for me.
Now I am the Primary secretary and think it is probably really good. Now I can avoid some of the more frustrating lessons.
I seriously feel differently almost every day. Some days I think the temple is a great symbol, other days I think it isn’t. So, I have no idea what I will do when my TR expires.
I do think it is highly beneficial for people in leadership callings to know what it is like to think about the church differently (non-TBM). I see it as a way to help others through this journey AND possibly effect positive change within the church.
My story is strange but true. During prop 8, I made it very clear (up thru my Regional Rep) that I wasn’t happy with the church. It became my catalyst to review LDS policies/foundational history in analytical detail. I was eventually visited by my HPGL at my house. I was very open about my doubts and taking control of my involvement in the church. He listened and eventually got out a pad and asked if he could take notes. He works daily with my bishop, so I knew my issues would travel up the pike. I often attend three hours of the block, holding a calling in Family History. Last week I was pressured (lights turned off), to attend priesthood the third hour. I left the building and drove home. I have expected a call to meet with the bishop. It’s never happened. Today I was told if I wanted to stay in Family History for the third hour, it’s perfectly OK. In fact, two other women who have issues with R.S. were invited to stay as well. I feel my bishop doesn’t want for me to ‘come clean’ (unless I need to). He’s willing for me to be a cafeteria Saint, taking to my plate what I can. I love and respect him for that. I do have five related families in the ward (perhaps that enters into the equation), but free agency gives me hope. Yes, I know there are consequences to free agency…
Thanks, all, for the feedback. Ray, you’re right. While I’ve become a TON more healthy the past 2-3 years, some of my old codependency/people pleasing is definitely lingering around… Old habits die hard.
Anyway, I’ll just put this in the “don’t worry about” category and deal with something if it ever comes up.
If I were in your shoes, I would feel almost the same thing. I guess I am most concerned with what you need. How do you want to manage your concerns? Do you need to get free of the hypocritical/lying feelings so that you know in your heart that your behavior and values match? Or are there other ways of looking at it that allows you time to serve and search at the same time?
I would think with regards to the calling, it would be first decided between you and the Lord. At the moment I felt most unprepared to teach was the moment HF invited me. It was one of those things where I knew the calling was mine before it became official. I know that doesn’t happen all the time, but it would seem to me that discussing solutions with the Lord might be helpful as He might open perspectives you aren’t seeing right now.
I am coming to understand that perhaps its much more ok to struggle AND serve than I had previously thought. And I would think this info should be shared on a need to know basis.
I really believe God calls people to positions through revelation, and you are qualified not by lack of any doubts, but qualified if you desire to serve. You don’t have to be perfect to serve others. If you are focused on loving the sisters, and helping others in need by showing charity…it is a good thing and wouldn’t require any discussions with leadership. They’ll release you if they feel it is time. Until then, maybe there are other sisters that have doubts too, and your ability to connect and empathize with them is potentially greater than others who don’t understand their position.
Don’t lie, and don’t be a hypocrite pretending to be perfect when you’re not. Just accept that God thinks it is ok for you to serve just the way you are…and use your strengths to help others. Your perspective can help you be a great counselor for the RS president to help her serve better also…she needs to hear your views and opinions. I don’t think she needs to hear a confession from you or your fears. Just my opinion. I can see it as a plus for you and the ward.
Hi Katie, I feel like I’ve been through a very similar situation in my life. Take a deep breath, as Ray said – worry when it comes, it’s going to be okay.
I worried much like you have been, and after I got through to “the other side” I realize much of my worries were unfounded. Granted, some local leaders may not have the same insights as my leaders have – but I believe you can be honest and still diffuse the “situation.”
I really like the word “uncertainty” – I like to say “I’m trying to figure some things out.” I don’t have all the answers, “I’m trying to understand and do what God wants me to do.” (Even if I don’t know if God is anthropomorphic, or even if “He” is an individual entity.)
After I had let my recommend lapse and I resigned from callings my bishop asked me to come in. At the time I really didn’t want to, I didn’t see a purpose for it, I didn’t think it could change anything. I went because I knew not going would upset my wife – and I wanted to demonstrate that I hadn’t changed. I was still a good person, I could be civil with anyone.
My bishop asked if I could share what was bothering me – I said I didn’t want to get into it; I had a lot of uncertainty and I was trying to work through some issues (implied doctrinal and historical). I didn’t want to claim any specific positions because I recognized the possibility that I may believe differently further down the road.
He offered to help talk through any of them – again I declined.
He said he noticed that I was not taking the sacrament on Sundays (
here came the greatest benefit of the meeting), I told him a friend (also in the ward – high calling) suggested that I shouldn’t be taking it because I could not claim a literal belief in the atonement of Jesus. He asked what I thought about the atonement – I said I appreciated the symbolism of it, but I was very unsure about the literalness of anything in the church lately. I said I was working through things and trying to figure out what I could see in a literal light.
He said “Jesus taught a lot in parables didn’t he”, I agreed — he also said “there is much symbolism in the gospel”, again I agreed and I liked the direction that he was willing to go.
He then asked me a few more questions:
“What do you think of your baptism?” — I said (general meaning) I thought it was a good thing (even if I didn’t understand it to be literally necessary).
“Do you live the law of Chastity?” — Yes
“Do you live the word of wisdom?” — Yes
“Are you honest with your fellow men?” — Yes
“Do you pay tithing?” — Partial for this year
He then told me I have no reason not to be taking the sacrament – and he hoped that I would take it, he thought doing so could help me in my search. He said we are SUPPOSED to ask questions, and
I had done nothing wrong. He told me if I ever wanted to discuss any of my questions with him he would be more than happy to talk with me anytime. He said I was a good and honest person and he was glad to have me in the ward. I left that meeting feeling lifted. I had been feeling condemned for what I couldn’t believe. My bishop made me feel loved for the desire that I had to see the good wherever it existed. I’m so glad I talked to him at that time, because several weeks later a new bishop was called.
Katie, I sincerely hope you can go forward without worrying so much about the “capital” Truth and Authority issue. Did you see my recent review of Leonard Arrington? If not read it and find one hint of his worrying about T or A. Look at his four points of belief specifically.
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=853 Hang in there! We’re with you! There are so many good people in this church. We may not hear from them very often in the way that we would like, but they are there. They’ll come out in time.
Ultimately You have to decide if you want to share your feelings with your Bishop, RS or both. (Maybe I should say you get to instead!) I’ve been in the same place before, in fact not long ago, after I’d been in my current calling for awhile and had been immersed in a study of Church History. I struggled for months and finally went to my Bishop, I didn’t disclose the specifics of what I found or the questions I had in detail, just that I couldn’t answer if Joseph was a Prophet or not. He was very supportive & I wasn’t released from my calling. (Surprisingly!)
I haven’t shared my struggle with the class I teach, but I do say I don’t know when questions come up that I can’t answer given my current perspective and I try to share some of what I’ve learned in non confrontational ways when opportunities come up.
I feel the same way you do about pleasing people & wanting to be liked.. I too care far too much about what other people think about me! (I’m hoping that goes away soon as I turn 30!)
Since I couldn’t say that I had no doubt that Joseph was a Prophet I was not allowed to renew my TR. I’m not even sure how much of the Temple I believe is necessary for salvation, but it was a place I used to be able to feel at peace, it’s hard not being able to visit, and it’s worse when other’s incorrectly judge me for being deep in some sort of sin that would keep me out of the Temple.
The only advice I can offer you is be true to yourself.
This may fall into the take your own advice column (especially given my comment below) I’m wondering if I should tell my new RS Pres about my struggle. She was my VT companion before she was called as RS Pres, and lately I’ve been busy with work and volunteering so I haven’t been at church or activities much. Which has lead to her calling me nonstop! She calls to schedule VT apts, to see how I’m doing, to see why I wasn’t at church, to let me know what I’m missing, what activities are coming up, the RS lesson, the list goes on and on.
I’ve made it clear I’m busy, what I’m up to, even that I’m moving my records from the singles ward to my family ward, but she keeps calling! I trust that she’s doing it from good intentions, but I need her to stop.
Should I share my struggle with her and let her know where I am at and that I no longer wish to be contacted?
RP, my advice is to remember that she almost surely is calling you because she truly does love you and is concerned about you. Be charitable, since that is all that is in your control – and it simply is the right thing to do. Let it roll until your records are moved and she isn’t your RS Pres. anymore – since any call after that can’t have an “official” undertone. Thanks Ray! That is great advice, and you’re correct all I can do is be charitable!
Thank You!
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