Slip back to a TBM?

[Anonymous]

My journey to find the truth and to find what “feels” right and brings me peace is so confusing and so heart-wrenching. I feel like I am being tossed to and fro….like I am running everywhere trying to find the truth “but know not where to find it”

I know I should take my time to explore my thoughts and insights, but lately this has become something of an obsession and the urgency to find it “now” is powerful.

I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion? Is it possible that everything I DO need to know is part of the TBM mentality?

Life was comfortable and familiar then.

I just can’t understand why The truth isn’t OBVIOUS…surely God wants us to know…so, why is it so hard to find? How can we all interpret things differently and live by different rules and still all be right?

I believe that men are that they might have joy.

For me, there is no joy in confusion.

If I go back to just being a TBM, would I be a weakling? WOuld I be a shmuck?

I just need to find that happy place…and once again focus on my family and marriage.

If there are incorrect doctrines, principles taught at church, I am in no position to sort through them.

i almost feel like…I’m tired of thinking. I want someone else to think for me.

[Anonymous]

QuestionAbound wrote:

My journey to find the truth and to find what “feels” right and brings me peace is so confusing and so heart-wrenching. I feel like I am being tossed to and fro….like I am running everywhere trying to find the truth “but know not where to find it”

I know I should take my time to explore my thoughts and insights, but lately this has become something of an obsession and the urgency to find it “now” is powerful.

I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion? Is it possible that everything I DO need to know is part of the TBM mentality?

Life was comfortable and familiar then.

For me, can’t imagine ever “un-ringing the bell” to the point that I become unaware of any issues or assume that any issues are anti-Mormon lies. I admire Bill Reel, Givens, Bushman, and others that have a more nuanced approach but still are full believers in the gospel and the church. I believe that they do this by distinguishing between what is culture, what is policy, and what is doctrine.

That doesn’t mean that we can’t love the stuff that is culture – but we might realize that it is our choice and allow members to have their own choices on these issues as well.

QuestionAbound wrote:

I just can’t understand why The truth isn’t OBVIOUS…surely God wants us to know…so, why is it so hard to find? How can we all interpret things differently and live by different rules and still all be right? [snip]i almost feel like…I’m tired of thinking. I want someone else to think for me.

I promise that I don’t mean this to be dismissive, but having someone else do the thinking for us sure sounds like Satan’s plan to me. What is the benefit of freedom of thought/agency if really there is only a “right” way to think and a “wrong” way. Why wouldn’t everyone with full access to information to make a fully informed decision make the “right” choice?

It is possible that the type of growth that we need to reach our full potential isn’t possible in a True/False format. Maybe life is messy because it has to be in order to set the conditions necessary for true exaltation.

P.S. I don’t know that anyone here would tell you not to go TBM if that is possible and advantageous for you. I hope you find peace. My peace has taken time to develop.

[Anonymous]

Could you really go back? I couldn’t do it even if I really wanted to, and there are times I really would like to go back. I am afraid that as you go back that the majority of the church will move forward and in time the TBMs we have today will be in the minority tomorrow. I can already see the transformations in my own family and in my own ward and stake. There aren’t many members that would go back to the priesthood ban and I think that in time (the very near time) there will be more and more members like us. So hold on and let the rest of the church catch up. It hurts now but how much more will it hurt if you deny the new truths to only discover that the church teaches them in the near future?

[Anonymous]

I am in favor of doing whatever brings you peace and joy, since you are a good person and aren’t going to find joy in horrible iniquity. If that means a stopping of the type of inquiry that is causing distress right now, so be it. If that means being fully active but continuing to question things that bother you, so be it. If that means some other course of action, so be it. The only thing I would say is necessary is to strive to live your life according to your own terms and your own conscience – and to love and actively serve others to the best degree you can.

Frankly, I would rather be someone who loves and serves unconditionally but never reaches certainty about most things than someone who is certain of everything and never loves and serves unconditionally. Do what you want to do – but always be open to changing paths again if you want to do so at some point in the future.

[Anonymous]

QuestionAbound wrote:

I just need to find that happy place…and once again focus on my family and marriage.

Fwiw, I realized that I was getting out of whack about six months into this. Real life was suffering, and if there is one thing I am sure of, it’s that my loved ones need me.

I can’t remember what your specific situation is right now. I’ve continued going to church and functioning pretty normally. I’ve never left physically, but I will never be completely back mentally – not in the way I was.

I identify with just being plain tired of it. Maybe pace yourself differently or take a break. Which is different, I think, than “putting it on the shelf.” Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I agree with Ray that you need to do what brings you peace. For me for a time it has been not going to church, but that’s the approach that works for me. What works for you is going to be different. I also believe I can’t “unring the bell” as Roy put it. I do see that in the future I am going to find peace by attending church, but my perspective will always be present, I can’t change that.

[Anonymous]

I really empathized with the emotion of your post. It’s exhausting sometimes being in this spiritual/emotional limbo. Even though I’ve been able to make a ‘statement of belief’ recently, I still find it tiring.

Sometimes I wonder if I could just start believing what I used to. Sometimes it feels like it would be nice to go back to that but I’m trying to make peace with where I’m at now.

[Anonymous]

I can certainly relate to your post but I’m not even sure what TBM really means. To say, “when I was TBM,” or “now I’m NOM” or any other label just compartmentalizes my faith journey, it’s too black and white, although it’s kind of disguised as being somewhere on the “faith spectrum”, IMO.

I too would like to have all my doubts and questions relieved at once. In fact had that exact thought this morning while driving to work. The best insight I’ve read on this his forum so far is to “take it slow”. That has helped me calm down and make some conscious decisions about how to approach these concerns.

I try to remember that faith is like a seed that will grow if nurtured with the small and simple things. My goal is not necessarily to return to where I was before all this, what would be the point of that? My goal is to broaden my perspective and find someway to become a better person because of it. My goal is not to pretend I believe, in an attempt to keep the peace. My goal is to accept myself and the fact that I have doubts, but to never lose hope.

[Anonymous]

QuestionAbound wrote:

My journey to find the truth and to find what “feels” right and brings me peace is so confusing and so heart-wrenching. I feel like I am being tossed to and fro….like I am running everywhere trying to find the truth “but know not where to find it”

I know I should take my time to explore my thoughts and insights, but lately this has become something of an obsession and the urgency to find it “now” is powerful.

I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion? Is it possible that everything I DO need to know is part of the TBM mentality?

Life was comfortable and familiar then.

i almost feel like…I’m tired of thinking. I want someone else to think for me.

My heart goes out to you! I feel the same way. This journey is exhausting, plain and simple. Articulating thoughts and feelings are difficult. Tossed to and fro is a nice way of putting it. I went through several months where I tried desperately to push away all of my doubts and issues and go back to how I used to be and feel before my questions. The sad truth was that it was impossible. Things were just simply not the same. I was looking at the church and life through a new lens.

As I continue on this journey there are moments of gut-wrenching despair, but I also feel like I have never been more authentic in my life. If I were to die tomorrow and had to stand before God and make an accounting of my thoughts and feelings about the church I think I would feel best about the past year simply because I am still the same person (human with weakness, but trying my best to be a good person) but I am now raw, humble, honest, and I have ownership of my beliefs that I never had before. There are lots of questions that I don’t have answers to, and I ok with that. I’m doing my best to figure things out spiritually and in the meantime, I focus on things that I DO believe in like being kind, serving others, following Christ’s example, etc.

Best wishes on your journey!

[Anonymous]

Unknown wrote:

I try to remember that faith is like a seed that will grow if nurtured with the small and simple things. My goal is not necessarily to return to where I was before all this, what would be the point of that? My goal is to broaden my perspective and find someway to become a better person because of it. My goal is not to pretend I believe, in an attempt to keep the peace. My goal is to accept myself and the fact that I have doubts, but to never lose hope.

QuestionAbound wrote:

My journey to find the truth and to find what “feels” right and brings me peace is so confusing and so heart-wrenching. I feel like I am being tossed to and fro….like I am running everywhere trying to find the truth “but know not where to find it”

I know I should take my time to explore my thoughts and insights, but lately this has become something of an obsession and the urgency to find it “now” is powerful.

I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion? Is it possible that everything I DO need to know is part of the TBM mentality?

Life was comfortable and familiar then.

Wow, I am so exhausted for many of the same reasons. “Unknown” has pointed out a few things that I am having a hard time with…I do pretend – every day, I lost hope long ago and perhaps that’s why I pretend. Lack of peace is making me feel old. Where’s the “Easy” button.

[Anonymous]

QuestionAbound wrote:

i almost feel like…I’m tired of thinking. I want someone else to think for me.

Kipper wrote:

Where’s the “Easy” button.

Sounds kinda like Satan’s plan to me. 👿

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I believe in the reality of Satan…is it possible that he is clouding my mind so that I stay in a state of confusion?

I have thought about this a lot. And I’ve worried I’m just letting my faith fail. A devil on one shoulder and a devil on the other. It is very tiring. Just reading your post brought back all the mental gymnastics and I felt tired.

So one day I just decided I would no longer let myself worry about “sins” that aren’t obviously a sin. For example, I think we can agree that abuse in any form is inherently wrong. But not reading your scriptures daily is only wrong if you think it is wrong. So I skip church without worrying. I asked to be released from an anxiety-ridden calling and didn’t worry about it. I went to a family dinner at a restaurant on Sunday and didn’t think about it. Maybe all these things are sins, but I don’t really know and really, no one really knows, so I don’t sweat it.

Because I believe the church is man-made, I no longer believe God will bind me to the covenants I made with the church. They were made with the church first, not with God. So all these things – tithing, FHE, temple attendance, etc. are off the table. If I’m going to do it I have to decide for myself that God wants me to do it.

Interestingly, as I sort through my FC, I find myself making some of these covenants again with God. Not in ceremony, but in my own way of living life.

For example, I have promised on a very deep level to commit myself to helping others and relieving suffering of any kind. (not that I’m any good at it, but I do try) That is one promise I made at baptism, but I haven’t lived it fully because I made it in order to join the church – not to follow God’s will for me. Now I feel God (/spirit/the universe/whomever God is) has asked me personally to relieve whatever suffering I can. In accepting it I feel more authentic (in this area) than I did when I was baptized.

[Anonymous]

since you mentioned me by name I thought I would weigh in.

You’re are absolutely right. I have spent several years stripping away all the nonsense. This includes Prophets and apostles deciding what paradigm I should see a doctrinal truth in and ignoring their advice to see if it fits better in a different way – (an example would be how I view the True and living Church)

I think My Mormonism is more real, more true, and more flexible then most in my ward. I say this because I no longer feel pressure to conform and have been more then willing to tear my house of cards down and then see I could rebuild it better and still lead with faith….. guess what? It is in many ways more beautiful and more fulfilling. I am still alone at times. I am still isolated and marginalized at times. I still have no one who can speak with me on all the levels I need. – But I am happy and life is fulfilling and I still believe the truth claims of the Church. I am no longer a KNOW-er but I am a BELEIVE-er

[Anonymous]

DBMormon wrote:

since you mentioned me by name I thought I would weigh in.

You’re are absolutely right. I have spent several years stripping away all the nonsense. This includes Prophets and apostles deciding what paradigm I should see a doctrinal truth in and ignoring their advice to see if it fits better in a different way – (an example would be how I view the True and living Church)

I think My Mormonism is more real, more true, and more flexible then most in my ward. I say this because I no longer feel pressure to conform and have been more then willing to tear my house of cards down and then see I could rebuild it better and still lead with faith….. guess what? It is in many ways more beautiful and more fulfilling. I am still alone at times. I am still isolated and marginalized at times. I still have no one who can speak with me on all the levels I need. – But I am happy and life is fulfilling and I still believe the truth claims of the Church. I am no longer a KNOW-er but I am a BELEIVE-er

Thanks Bill. Your voice is much appreciated as part of the “thoughtful faith” movement. I’m grateful for your work in representing the “real people” in the discussion. Keep up the good work in 2014

[Anonymous]

I would deal with issues one at a time. Discuss them here until you feel at peace with them. Then move on to the next one.

You will probably not go back to TBM, but you might find there are TBM beliefs that you are comfortable with after all.

For example, I had to deal with “inspired leadership”, tithing, garments, and the extent to which I would allow the church to be center of my life and moving (you know, moving people on a moment’s notice). And then, issues with relating to my kids.

I am still active, but not in an orthodox way. I am TBM in some respects, but SD in a lot of others.

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