So frustrated

[Anonymous]

kinderhook – welcome to the site. I hope you can find a way back to peace. One of the key components to moving from Stage 4 (anger, bitterness and disillusionment) to Stage 5 (reconciliation) is to detach. Once you begin to detach, you can stop feeling angst over things you hear/see/feel when you interact with others at church. You can rely on whatever you personally bring to the table rather than disliking what others bring to the table. Church (all churches, BTW) are often like a brown bag lunch. We all bring what we are going to eat with us. As a child, it’s more like a meal that has been prepared for you, and you pretty much eat what you are given because you don’t know how to prepare your own food. But you also have to get past the potluck stage (eating what others brought, which is often not what you wanted at all), and get to the stage where you become your own spiritual chef. Then you can find enlightenment and spirituality all around you. Everything becomes holy because you have brought it with you, and you are holy. You no longer eat the food others brought, but it’s not generally repulsive to you any more because it’s what they need, not what you need. It’s no longer a threat. You cease to be force-fed.

[Anonymous]

hawkgrrrl wrote:

get to the stage where you become your own spiritual chef. Then you can find enlightenment and spirituality all around you. Everything becomes holy because you have brought it with you, and you are holy. You no longer eat the food others brought, but it’s not generally repulsive to you any more because it’s what they need, not what you need. It’s no longer a threat. You cease to be force-fed.

Hawkgrrrl, you are so insightful. I love how you described that view.

[Anonymous]

Kinderhook08 wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome this frustration and occasional anger I have. I’m so disillusioned with the church. It is like nothing they say is good enough for me anymore. I realize that some of the things they say are good but I guess I just don’t want to hear it from them anymore. I go to sacrament meeting and immediately want to leave because of what one of the speakers say. I no longer attend sunday school or priesthood because it is just way too frustrating for me to hear the same things over and over that I know are inaccurate.

I hear ya! I experience the same thing week after week and have done for years. Most of the time I’m at church (pretty much any of the three meetings) I am either (1) bored to death, (2) frustrated or angry because of what a speaker or teacher has said, or (3) feeling guilty over my frustration and anger.

Quote:

I started this journey over 3 years ago and I still can’t get past these feelings. I still attend sacrament meeting for my family only. I don’t want my primary age kids to get confused or have mental anguish about having a non-believing dad, but I feel like I’m going crazy. I spend hours on the Internet trying to make sense of it all, talking with others in my situation but it has never really helped me to move on. This has been a major drag on my life for the last three years and I want it to be over, but I don’t know how to just let all the crap go and be a happy positive person again. HELP!!!

When you refer to yourself as a non-believing dad, are you saying that you really don’t believe the basic doctrines of the gospel or that you don’t believe some of the personal interpretations you hear regarding these doctrines? Because to me there is a huge difference. If you are okay with the basic doctrines of the Church but are not okay with the way in which these doctrines are explained or “expounded upon,” maybe knowing that there are a lot of people who share your feelings would help some. If you simply don’t believe the basic doctrines at all, then we’re talking about a different issue entirely.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the last paragraph of Katzpur’s comment – with one caveat:

Often, the “pure doctrine” is so entwined with the common / majority interpretations that it’s hard to separate them. I believe passionately that those who struggle need to clear away all interpretations and find out what they themselves believe. Nine times out of ten, I believe they then will be able to find someone else at a very high level in the Church who has said or does say the same basic thing about many things. In the case of the other 10%, perhaps the LDS Church simply isn’t a good fit – but it’s impossible to make that determination until you know what you, personally, independent of others’ interpretations really believe.

(If you ever watched “The Runaway Bride”, it’s like when Julia Roberts finally decides to see how SHE likes eggs – instead of just liking them however her current fiance likes them.)

[Anonymous]

There are some wonderful comments on this thread.

Kinderhook08 wrote:

It really bothers me that I can’t do anything to help her except regain my testimony and I know for now or in the near future that won’t happen. I don’t think I will ever be the same and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing for our marriage.

I remember being in that exact place about a year ago, things are much better now after some effort in the journey.

Someone once told me they met face to face with Richard Bushman and commented about their testimony changing because of all the history they had read. His response: “don’t worry about your testimony changing, that’s what we call growing up.”

In my opinion whether the change is “good” or “bad” depends on what we focus on. Personally I try to focus on things that can help make the world a better place. No, I’m not always successful in holding to my ideal – but it is my ideal. There is much good and much bad in the world (in the church, in the U.S., in our families, in our jobs, etc.) how can we become better at acknowledging the bad while focusing on the good?

I also think Fowler’s stages of faith is a great help to say “I understand why they say that” or “I understand where they are” when we hear things at church that sound a little off to our current perspective.

Hang in there! Keep journeying.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

Often, the “pure doctrine” is so entwined with the common / majority interpretations that it’s hard to separate them.

That is SO true. I think that actually explains about 90% of my own frustrations with the Church. I could probably come up with a dozen or so examples with very little effort. We are so conditioned to think of certain things as “doctrine” when in fact they really are just commonly accepted interpretations of doctrine. And “commonly accepted” doesn’t necessarily mean correct.

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