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I just found this web site, and as I read the essay on why to stay mormon, I found so many things that applied just to me, and it is nice to be able to speak with others about my feelings. One thing that is bad with the church is the feeling that you can’t oppose or question anything with out feeling like you would be ostracized. So one thing that I deal with is guilt. I grew up in the ultra mormon home, and I often wonder if the feelings I feel about my lack of testimony are the Holy Ghost telling me I need to change and dig deeper, try harder, or if it this underlying guilt from my childhood in my head, just knowing that my parents would be so dissappointed, and just think I was a terrible person if I left the church.
My issuse with the church are
Temple Ceremony-I feel like the temple ceremony can be a good thing, and remind people to keep trying to do good things, but I think the symbols and signs are very much subject to Joseph Smith’s day. So even though I love the ideas of being married for eternity, I don’t really like the endownment session. Therefore I just don’t go. I keep a temple recommend, (even though sometimes I feel like I am lying to get it) but I have gone once in the last 5 years.
Polygamy-that says it all doesn’t it?
and Some of the JS history.
Right now I am the YW 1st counselor (is it wrong for me to be in this position with all this doubt in my head? i often struggle to bear my testimony after lessons and stuff, because I am just not sure about it, so I choose my words wisely), and I enjoy my job, I have general satisfaction with the church, but with the doubts, I feel guilt like I lead a double life-the face I put on for ward members, and who I really am. Has anyone else dealt with the guilt issue? I would love to live the way that the essay said, but I want to be able to do it with out feeling so guilty all the time.
I think anyone who has been LDS can relate to feelings of guilt! Welcome, by the way! You are not alone. People in every type of calling have had the same struggles (bishops, relief society & elders quorum, etc).
I think many people on this path question the endowment, polygamy and some of the church history. We have many good threads here about these topics and how each of us have come to peace (or not) with it.
I think many people experience guilt until they become comfortable with the changes they are making.
I personally have tried not to make radical changes. My thinking has changed far more than my outward behavior. One of the favorite sayings around here is “go slow.” It can be the best and most annoying advice!
I do understand not wanting to disappoint your parents. I feel the same way.
Welcome ams! I have a 13 year old daughter. The number one quality I wish for in a YW leader is a love for the girls. Teenage years are hard and these kids need as many loving, supportive adults in their lives as they can get. I have NEVER asked a YW/YM leader to share their testimony with me. But, I do watch to see how they interact with the youth. If you love the girls, and serve to the best of your ability, then I would certainly welcome you as my DD’s YW leader. Keep in mind that EVERY member struggles with one issue or another. A “trial of faith”, which we are all destined to have at one time or another, wouldn’t be a trial if there wasn’t doubt, discovery, pain, etc.. Thank you so much for your willingness to serve the YW in your ward! Who knows, maybe you ARE my DD’s YW leader…….
It takes time to become comfortable with these new changes in our views about faith and the Gospel. It is like the pains of birth, being born again. We were children of God. We are becoming adults of God. My personal strategies involve really trusting in the divine, and trusting that I am going in the direction Heavenly Father is prompting me to go. I test and test things. I tear things apart and put them back together. That is my personality. That is how God made me, so I am “filling the measure of my creation” as we say. A lot of my Mormon values are still valuable to me after I tear them apart and figure out what makes them tick. They just look a little funny and some of the parts are missing when I am done, LOL.
I try to have hope that being *me* is a part of the beautiful orchestra of our religious faith community (the Church).
Ask yourself this — who better than YOU right now to be a leader and mentor to these teen girls? They are going through all those pains of becoming an adult. You remember how it was. Everything is unsure, exciting, scary, and new. We all had doubts and concerns. Who better than YOU to be there, as a more mature woman with life experiences, who is also feeling doubts, to really connect with these young women? You remember how it was when you were there age. You could tell deep down when some adult was really talking fake talk. These kids will listen to someone they think understands and shows they “get it.” They don’t need to know all the gritty details of your personal concerns, just that you care and you really understand.
Valoel wrote:My personal strategies involve really trusting in the divine, and trusting that I am going in the direction Heavenly Father is prompting me to go. I test and test things. I tear things apart and put them back together. That is my personality. That is how God made me, so I am “filling the measure of my creation” as we say. A lot of my Mormon values are still valuable to me after I tear them apart and figure out what makes them tick. They just look a little funny and some of the parts are missing when I am done, LOL.
Excellent description of my path as well. I really like the way you word things,V. Here’s how I worded my story:
http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=174 HiJolly
When I feel guilt, often it is because I think of the expectations that others have of me or what I should do is beyond what I’m able to at that moment. IOW, I worry more about what others will think than really whether doing that thing is what is best for me. I think we can let go of a lot of guilt and there is little downside. I have done a couple expirements…when I feel guilty for not doing something or feeling I should be better, I stop myself and think “Who cares? This church is for me and my family. Do I want to do it or not?” If it is something I should do or something that will help me be a better person or show love to God or others, then I commit to do it. If it is something I don’t want to do or feel I can’t do at that time but just feel others would think less of me if I say no, that is less important than me and my family’s needs. So, I don’t attend a meeting, or I don’t pay fast offering that month, or I don’t volunteer to clean up the church that week…and you know what? The church just moves along anyway without a hitch, and I feel happier at home which puts me in a good place that I am more prone to volunteering for something that I can or want to do next time.
We shouldn’t let the fear of others motivate us. It should be a church of love, not a church of fear.
Just to answer the small question about being in the YW. I think it is perfectly acceptable to continue in your calling regardless of your doubts and struggles. I am the one in my marriage that struggles with more the church but my wife has also had her doubts when she read some of the things I was reading. She is also the YW president. Although I don’t believe the Church has the ability to offer anyone exaltation, I fully support her in calling and she is fine with her calling despite her doubts. I think that if you perform your calling in a way that you would be proud of even if the church wasn’t true, you really can’t go wrong. Teaching good values, increasing self-worth and being a friend to struggling adolescents is something you can be proud of regardless of the ultimate veracity of the Church. How you choose to handle sharing your testimony is a tough issue, as is the expectation that you may have to share things you simply don’t believe but I think you can do a lot of good even with doubts. Boy, Can I relate to guilt. I want to share a very personal story that showed me how much God loves and understands us on a very personal level. I learned that personal revelation and special cases trump general guidelines the chuch gives us. Years ago I was teaching gospel doctrine class. I have a gift for teaching and relating the gospel to peoples everyday lives. I had served a mission for the church in Austria when I was 21 and loved teaching. The ward members loved my class and soon inactive spouses started coming and there was standing room only. The spirit was very strong and people would tell me how much my lessons had changed their lives. During this time I was having serious problems in my marriage. My husband rarely pursued me sexually in our marriage and it was affecting my self worth as a woman. I was constantly sexually frustrated. He would not go to counseling and I suspected there had been some kind of emotional incest by his mom when he was young that was causing problems in our intimate life. The only way I was able to cope was through masturbation. Because the church taught that was wrong I had begun feeling so guilty and thought I maybe should resign from my calling as gospel doctrine teacher because I was not worthy. So, one morning I prayed about it and poured my heart out to the Lord about my marriage and my calling. I had the most beautiful and powerful experience then. I felt Christ put his arms around me and hold me and cry with me. He told me how much he loved me and how he understood my pain. He told me that my husband was broken and would not be healed in this life. He told me that I was not unworthy and should not step down and that I was a wonderful teacher. I never felt one moment of guilt again about my situation and masturbation. In fact, I found this link soon afterwards which was such a blessing to me and my son’s who had been struggling with this issue as well. http://boysunderattack.com/masturbation.html I have a testimony of some principles of the gospel but others I believe are man made and we have to decifier for ourselves which ones are right and wrong for our situation.
Quote:I have a testimony of some principles of the gospel but others I believe are man made and we have to decifier for ourselves which ones are right and wrong for our situation.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story, Bridget. I like you final sentence, and I might tweak it a bit to phrase it for myself:
Quote:I have a testimony that some things taught in the Church really are universal principles of the Gospel, some are general principles of the Gospel, some are applicable to individuals but not others – and we need to figure out personally how we draw the lines for ourselves.
Really, we are saying the same thing, so I agree completely that we need to find whatever phrasing makes sense for us individually.
When I was younger, I felt considerable guilt. I would beat myself up to no end because of the guilt I felt. But several years ago, I discovered something that allows me a guiltless path in my life. That is… God is Perfect. He has a perfect understanding of us. Because of the perfect understanding, he has perfect love for us. And because of that perfect love, he forgives us perfectly. He forgives us even before we go to him for forgiveness. As a parent, it’s natural. And as the perfect parent, it is perfectly natural.
I had an experience that reinforced this point of view for me.
Something happened in my life that was unfortunate, but left one of my brothers very angry with me. He spoke badly of me, in front of the rest of the family. One of my other brothers chastised him for speaking badly, and he realized he should not have done it and came to me and apologized. For me, he didn’t even need to apologize, because I had already done so. You see, in that one particular situation, I had a perfect understanding of what had driven him to do what he did. And in that perfect understanding, I also had perfect love for him and why he felt the way he did. And in that perfect love, forgiveness was automatic! …… Now I’ve only had that situation once in my life – because I am really so imperfect. But that one situation was all it took to have a greater understanding of my Perfect Heavenly Father, and why he loves and forgives me so perfectly. I’ve never felt guilty again.
ams wrote:I just found this web site…
Me too! So that makes us both newbies.
Quote:One thing that is bad with the church is the feeling that you can’t oppose or question anything with out feeling like you would be ostracized.
Maybe that’s because you likely would be!
Quote:So one thing that I deal with is guilt. I grew up in the ultra mormon home, and I often wonder if the feelings I feel about my lack of testimony are the Holy Ghost telling me I need to change and dig deeper, try harder, or if it this underlying guilt from my childhood in my head, just knowing that my parents would be so dissappointed, and just think I was a terrible person if I left the church.
Guilt is my middle name. Fortunately, while I grew up in an active LDS household, my parents (particularly my father) really encouraged me to think for myself and to question things. Without having done that from a very early age, I don’t think I’d have survived the guilt.
Quote:My issuse with the church are
Temple Ceremony-I feel like the temple ceremony can be a good thing, and remind people to keep trying to do good things, but I think the symbols and signs are very much subject to Joseph Smith’s day. So even though I love the ideas of being married for eternity, I don’t really like the endownment session. Therefore I just don’t go. I keep a temple recommend, (even though sometimes I feel like I am lying to get it) but I have gone once in the last 5 years.
I was married in the temple 39 years ago. Let’s just say that my initial experience was not good. For the next couple of years, I made several goodfaith attempts to go through an endowment session (I never could bring myself to do any more washings and annointings), but finally just told my husband that I’d just had enough. I, too, kept a temple recommend for most of the years I never attended, which was somewhere around 22! I was just so uncomfortable, always nervous that I’d mess up and just had enough unpleasant experiences that it wasn’t worth the effort anymore. Then, about 17 years ago, a co-worker convinced me to give it another try. I did, and found that nothing had really changed all that much. This time, though, I decided that I was going to keep going, and try to overlook the negative aspects of the experience. Finally, today, I am to the point where I am able to tell myself that even though I don’t really have a deep testimony of what goes on in the temple, I need to be there. If someone were to ask me why I keep going, I guess I’d just have to say, “I know not, save the Lord has commanded me.”
Quote:Polygamy-that says it all doesn’t it?
You know, I just don’t give it all that much thought.
Quote:and Some of the JS history.
Here’s where I’d suggest you maybe look into some of the excellent apologetic websites available. They might not help you, but they just might. I know they did me.
Quote:Right now I am the YW 1st counselor (is it wrong for me to be in this position with all this doubt in my head?
No!
Quote:i often struggle to bear my testimony after lessons and stuff, because I am just not sure about it, so I choose my words wisely), and I enjoy my job, I have general satisfaction with the church, but with the doubts, I feel guilt like I lead a double life-the face I put on for ward members, and who I really am. Has anyone else dealt with the guilt issue? I would love to live the way that the essay said, but I want to be able to do it with out feeling so guilty all the time.
Well, speaking as one who has borne her testimony in Sacrament Meeting all of once in 50 years, what can I say? I have real problems with being asked to bear my testimony. To me, it’s not something we should be asked to do. We shouldn’t be expected to feel the Spirit on cue. I, too, am feeling like I live a double life and I too feel guilty. At least know what you’re not alone.
I just decided to take a quick look on “WikiHow” website on what they say about overcoming guilt. I found it kind of … well, funny in some parts…here’s what they said about 10 steps to overcome guilt (with my comments). see http://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Feelings-of-Guilthttp://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Feelings-of-Guilt” class=”bbcode_url”> Quote:1. Realize that guilt is normal and we all have it.
That would definitely be true. We all have it, so just tell yourself to stop feeling guilty…that’ll work.
Quote:2.Think through why your actions made you feel guilty.
Translation: Its your own fault for feeling guilty, so sit in the corner and see how that makes you feel! When you’ve learned your lesson, you can get out of time out. And stop crying! We’re happy…starting acting that way.
Quote:3. Learn from those actions and promise to try not to repeat them. Realize we are all human, and this may not be possible, but make a personal promise to do better.
Translation: Making promises to do better, even though you won’t be able to keep those promises, are a good way to procrastinate that guilt until tomorrow when you will obviously fail again.
Quote:4. Apologize to someone, if your actions hurt someone. This will help alleviate some of the guilt, and hopefully the hurt party will accept your apology.
If the “hurt party” won’t accept your apology, they can at least help you feel more guilty (go back to step 2).
Quote:5. Take a lesson from the fictional character Scarlett O’Hara: “After all…tomorrow is another day.” Realize each day is a new beginning filled with promise, hope and the opportunity to start over.
Tomorrow is a whole new day filled for opportunities of guilt and shame!
Quote:6. Do not dwell on the actions that may have caused the guilt.
If steps 2 and 3 didn’t work when we told you to think about all the bad things you did, then try step 6 and just don’t think about it. If you don’t think about it, it will all just magically go away…as if it all never happened.
Quote:7. Each time a guilty feeling arises, instead of wallowing in it, take one affirmative step. For example, if you feel guilty about having to file bankruptcy you can pay your electric bill the moment it arrives.
What?😯 A small insignificant deed like paying one $30 bill can erase all the guilt over real problems, like thousands of dollars of unpaid debts leading to bankruptcy. That’s like saying, “I’m sorry I burned your house down, but I baked you some cookies. Does that make us even now?”
Quote:8. Do a good deed. Helping others often helps the person who offers help.
Ok, this is a good one. I don’t have any comment on this. Itcanhelp make you feel better.
Quote:9. Seek medical assistance, if required. Excessive guilt could be part of a psychological or medical condition.
Hence, Utah is the largest distributor of anti-depressants.
Quote:10. See a trusted clergyman or priest. Some faiths offer ways to atone for sinning.
…and some faiths are actually the cause of the guilt, because if it wasn’t you as the sinner needing to be punished that causes all your problems in life (and the church can also teach you how you are also causing all the tornados and the bad economy), it was Adam which means still impacts you anyway… so your guilt will be lessened as you instead focus on your new found fear of eternal damnation.😈 Maybe one step to relieving ourselves from so much guilt can be some humor also…that can sometimes help a little.
@Heber: who logged in as Heber and wrote this?? Wow, not sure if to laugh hysterically at the tongue in cheek or leave my mouth agape at the cynicism. Either way, you win, “UNCLE”!!!
😆 😆 I will repost a link to something I wrote a while ago and to which I linked in another thread: “Embracing Grace” –
http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2007/11/embracing-grace.html
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