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Thanks Ray and Ann. I’m really glad to be moving towards something that may be a solution for her. She has endured this way too long. Not that my situation is particularly important in the context of this thread, but I share many of the same experiences as your wife. This is just my $0.02, but I really do believe the root issue may have nothing to do with illness or anxiety, though no doubt it can cause that. You mention Hashimotos disease. That is an autoimmune disease, which is also what caused my problems. I seriously don’t think the relation to self-hate/unworthiness and autoimmune diseases often go together. But to be diagnosed with a disease gives a person who is crushed with guilt something they can offload some of the guilt on – which is VERY good. Now all their problems aren’t their fault. I know that helped me. I think most negative behaviors are our maladapted ways to try to get the basics that we lack. And I guess the basic lack is one of love. I am most assuredly not saying that you don’t love your wife or don’t do everything to help her – you obviously do – but perhaps it’s that she just won’t accept that love due to her feeling unworthy. Either way, the end cause is that she’s not getting enough of it inside of her.
Rather than treating the symptoms, it may be good to try to focus on the cause. Put her in situations where she feels safe and loved as much as you can. Only you can know what those would be for her I guess. And definitely take her OUT of situations where she is traumatized and retreats further back into the other behaviors. If this means moving away from the church until she can get a healthier view of it – I would do it. God I feel certain would much rather have a happy child than he would have one who keeps doing what the church says (right or wrong) just because they’re afraid to quit doing it.
People heal the same as cuts do. You put them in a good environment and they heal themselves. People really WANT to be good. As soon as the need the person is trying meet with the negative behavior is filled in some better way, they tend to automatically move back towards the better behavior. Trying to push the skin of a cut back together so it quits bleeding will never work.
Every situation is different for sure, and I am not aware of all the complications as you are, but hopefully this is one perspective that you in your wisdom can apply for some good.
intothelight wrote:Not that my situation is particularly important in the context of this thread, but I share many of the same experiences as your wife. This is just my $0.02, but I really do believe the root issue may have nothing to do with illness or anxiety, though no doubt it can cause that. You mention Hashimotos disease. That is an autoimmune disease, which is also what caused my problems. I seriously don’t think the relation to self-hate/unworthiness and autoimmune diseases often go together. But to be diagnosed with a disease gives a person who is crushed with guilt something they can offload some of the guilt on – which is VERY good. Now all their problems aren’t their fault. I know that helped me.
I think most negative behaviors are our maladapted ways to try to get the basics that we lack. And I guess the basic lack is one of love. I am most assuredly not saying that you don’t love your wife or don’t do everything to help her – you obviously do – but perhaps it’s that she just won’t accept that love due to her feeling unworthy. Either way, the end cause is that she’s not getting enough of it inside of her.
Rather than treating the symptoms, it may be good to try to focus on the cause. Put her in situations where she feels safe and loved as much as you can. Only you can know what those would be for her I guess. And definitely take her OUT of situations where she is traumatized and retreats further back into the other behaviors. If this means moving away from the church until she can get a healthier view of it – I would do it. God I feel certain would much rather have a happy child than he would have one who keeps doing what the church says (right or wrong) just because they’re afraid to quit doing it.
People heal the same as cuts do. You put them in a good environment and they heal themselves. People really WANT to be good. As soon as the need the person is trying meet with the negative behavior is filled in some better way, they tend to automatically move back towards the better behavior. Trying to push the skin of a cut back together so it quits bleeding will never work.
Every situation is different for sure, and I am not aware of all the complications as you are, but hopefully this is one perspective that you in your wisdom can apply for some good.
Thank you so much, your perspective is very helpful.
She started on a “clean” diet last week, something the doctor said to begin that would help manage the disease. So far, I can tell a difference in her attitude. She does seem somewhat happier. Any advice on what you have done or are doing to manage the symptoms for yourself would be appreciated.
We do communicate our love for each other often and in multiple ways and she does often say she doesn’t know why I married her. I think at least part of this has to do with a lack of self-esteem, and is a part of why she feels unworthy. I will do my best to only have her be in situations where she feels loved.
You might be right about her root issue. She did share with me an important reason why she doesn’t feel worthy. It is not something I’m sure I want to share here, but it does concern me a great deal. I would consider sending you a PM about this if it is something you’re open to accepting. No pressure, though.
I’m still hopeful that if she can begin to manage the symptoms of the disease, it will put her in a better frame of mind to accept counseling.
I am sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I’d love to get a PM and assist however I can. Who knows why some people struggle with self-esteem. Maybe it’s a characteristic of our spirits we bring into this life, or maybe things happen here on earth that plant the seeds of self-hatred and a sense of unworthiness. For me, I think it was a combination of both. For sure, people who’ve been abused or traumatized seem to carry the scars all their life. I guess everyone has their way to try to deal with pain. Some people reflect it back at others, or will do whatever is required to make sure it can’t penetrate their shell – the angry and mean – and then others hold it inside and let it bounce around and destroy them, thinking somehow that the pain must have been caused by something they did or didn’t do, or who they are or who they are not. I’m not convinced either way is much better than the other. The third option of course is to give it to Jesus. He really was like a sponge – He is the only one who can just take it and get rid of it safely. That’s what I try to do that helps. Do I do it successfully? Sometimes yes, most of the time, no, I’m afraid I’m not very good at that. Every person is different, but for me, I find I can let go of hurtful things when I feel safe and loved. I’ve seen other people with behaviors that are extremely damaging let go of them like that as soon as the feeling they’re trying to pull, suck, plead, and cajole out the negative behavior comes from a healthy source. We all seek the same few things, the real variance comes in where we go looking for those things.
As I’ve said in some other posts, I don’t hate the church. If anything, I blame the church more than I should – I’m not perfect, neither are they. But regardless, does the fact that the church may be true prevent my interaction with it from causing emotional damage? Nope occurred just the same. Whether it’s the church that is wrong or my view of the church and of myself that is wrong, the impact is there. I hope you can get your wife out of situations that make her feel like she is worthless and put her in ones where, eventually, however slow, she’ll have a chance to heal inside from whatever is eating her up. For sure, guilt of any kind for your wife is going to be like toxic poison. And unfortunately, whether it should be or not, the church – and most organizations for that matter – use guilt as a manipulator to get the subject to do whatever they want.
One thing that really helped me you might also try is having her read some near death experiences. Many of these are garbage, but there are good ones that ring true to me as well. The ones where the people talk with Jesus. A couple I’ve thought were pretty good. It really changed my thinking about what Jesus is really like. Not the harsh, stern, judging person He’s often made out to be. I don’t believe any more that the church speaks for Jesus 100%.
http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Experiences/cynthia_h_nde_5071.htm intothelight wrote:I am sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I’d love to get a PM and assist however I can. Who knows why some people struggle with self-esteem. Maybe it’s a characteristic of our spirits we bring into this life, or maybe things happen here on earth that plant the seeds of self-hatred and a sense of unworthiness. For me, I think it was a combination of both. For sure, people who’ve been abused or traumatized seem to carry the scars all their life. I guess everyone has their way to try to deal with pain. Some people reflect it back at others, or will do whatever is required to make sure it can’t penetrate their shell – the angry and mean – and then others hold it inside and let it bounce around and destroy them, thinking somehow that the pain must have been caused by something they did or didn’t do, or who they are or who they are not. I’m not convinced either way is much better than the other. The third option of course is to give it to Jesus. He really was like a sponge – He is the only one who can just take it and get rid of it safely. That’s what I try to do that helps. Do I do it successfully? Sometimes yes, most of the time, no, I’m afraid I’m not very good at that.
Every person is different, but for me, I find I can let go of hurtful things when I feel safe and loved. I’ve seen other people with behaviors that are extremely damaging let go of them like that as soon as the feeling they’re trying to pull, suck, plead, and cajole out the negative behavior comes from a healthy source. We all seek the same few things, the real variance comes in where we go looking for those things.
As I’ve said in some other posts, I don’t hate the church. If anything, I blame the church more than I should – I’m not perfect, neither are they. But regardless, does the fact that the church may be true prevent my interaction with it from causing emotional damage? Nope occurred just the same. Whether it’s the church that is wrong or my view of the church and of myself that is wrong, the impact is there. I hope you can get your wife out of situations that make her feel like she is worthless and put her in ones where, eventually, however slow, she’ll have a chance to heal inside from whatever is eating her up. For sure, guilt of any kind for your wife is going to be like toxic poison. And unfortunately, whether it should be or not, the church – and most organizations for that matter – use guilt as a manipulator to get the subject to do whatever they want.
One thing that really helped me you might also try is having her read some near death experiences. Many of these are garbage, but there are good ones that ring true to me as well. The ones where the people talk with Jesus. A couple I’ve thought were pretty good. It really changed my thinking about what Jesus is really like. Not the harsh, stern, judging person He’s often made out to be. I don’t believe any more that the church speaks for Jesus 100%.
http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Experiences/cynthia_h_nde_5071.htm No need to apologize. I appreciate your insight on this. I’m trying to understand what my wife is going through and it seems you might be able to understand her perspective best. I’ve decided she still needs to see a therapist. I will send you a PM when I have time.
Thanks for responding.
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