Someday We Will Have To Forgive

[Anonymous]

I have thought about this topic for months. I have read multiple Holocaust accounts from various survivors with varied backgrounds. My knowledge comes from Jewish people, a Catholic resistance member, a Dutch Reform woman. Everyone of these people stated in one way or another “Forgiveness is required to fully heal.”

As I watch the avalanche of souls parting ways with the LDS faith, whether it is full resignation or if it some weird strained relationship, either way someday we are going to need to forgive. To forgive the church, the culture, the leaders, the people, even ourselves. We can’t rush this forgiveness, it’s not some back handed quick, “I’m sorry or No problem.” It needs to be a sincere willingness to extend an emotional hand and say, “I carry no grudges.”

I am not there yet. But the past few months I have been a witness to power of true forgiveness, and testify of it’s amazing healing abilities. Nearly 6 years ago, a neighbor family and our family quarreled. Okay quarreled is to nice, we fought. Our sons had been playing together, and their son got hurt. They were ticked. They raged, they threatened – we were ignorant of the injury until they landed on our porch – seething. Police were brought in, depositions were taken, threats were leveled – and a family birthday was ruined. A wall of war was raised between us. They live a few houses away, so each of us did what humans do, we avoided each other. We drove past, walked past, shopped past each other – as if the other never existed. They had daughters get married, we were exempt. Our sons purposely rode their bikes the other way and any new kid on the block was told the story and friendships were aligned by who met who first.

Two years ago our dog died. Very unexpectedly and sadly. Our neighbors have the same breed of dog. It was another gift we shared, but now ignored. A few months after our grief had begun to settle we got a new dog, same breed, different gender and color than our first. In the spring of that year we began taking our tiny pup for walks. Nothing long, just to the corner and back. One day while we were waiting at the corner while the puppy caught his breath, she drove past. Our silent, dismissive game continued. Or almost did. Instead of going to her drive way, she backed up, rolled down her window and spoke to me. The conversation was all dog related. Her dog was feeble and aging now. She was grieving the impending passing. I told her about our dogs passing. We both cried. She reached over and petted our pup. For seconds our hands nearly touched. Then she drove home, and pup and I walked home. In the past 18 months we have had 3 or 4 of these drive by conversations. Today was another one, only this time she came out of her front door to begin the discussion. She came over and snuggled my dog, told me her dog had passed and where they buried it. We shared some more tears, then had to run. As I finished my walk, I thought of the most recent chats we have had. We are moving on from dogs. We’ve talked about her granddaughter, her son in New York, the new house they are building. We aren’t where we were before, but we are somewhere better. We have not said, “I forgive you or Can you forgive me.” But the act and feeling of putting aside our anger, even if it’s only through common interest in a dog, has been monumental. It’s like breathing again.

Returning to my opening line of forgiveness. I don’t know if there is an afterlife or a judgement day or anything like that, but I believe that we each, to be the best of ourselves will need to forgive, whomever and whatever it was that hurt us. And that includes God.

[Anonymous]

Thanks mom3, I enjoyed this post. I hadn’t thought of the need to forgive the church or to forgive God, but I think you are right. There is a lot of evidence that people who forgive live healthier lives than those who harbor resentment and other negative feelings. For me the list of people to forgive includes my parents and even early church leaders.

[Anonymous]

Thanks mom3…really touching story.

I too have witnessed the power of forgiveness…in an earlier life I had a business with some friends and it turned ugly and bitter. Many years passed, I saw one of them at church, she was going through a tough divorce, she came over and said “I’m sorry. I wish things would have gone differently.” And I said the same. We were younger and dumber and selfish and in that instant all was reconciled. Years of baggage and pain was washed away in an instant.

There is real power in the act of forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Mom! (I’ve already said how much I like saying that! ) Seriously, your post is powerful and is making me think. I have had some trouble forgiving, but I do think it’s necessary at some point. Like RoadRunner I had not actually considered forgiving God and/or the church, and you may know before my faith transition I harbored anger at both. The realization during my crisis/transition (and this realization was a turning point) that it was not at all either God or the church I should have been angry at still didn’t mean I automatically forgave them – but I think I have made great strides in that respect and in forgiving some people. Interestingly (or maybe not), I have likened this forgiveness on my part with repentance. I think the feelings, the motivations, the will and the ability are much the same with forgiveness and repentance. Perhaps the two are much more closely related than I had previously realized.

[Anonymous]

Yep — it’s hard to forgive. I’m not sure I harbor bitterness or lack of forgiveness to the church any longer. And i think it’s great if you can forgive and go back to a full relationship again — but is that always wise>? And do peole change so that yes, they forgive, but the relationship is never the same again, or proceeds on different premises?

[Anonymous]

I have read “when bad things happen to good people” and the Rabbi that wrote it said basically, “You have to forgive God!” It was an interesting and I am sure many people say, “forgive GOD?” I still don’t know if I fully agree, but at the same time, if it helps you with the loss of a loved one – go for it. I don’t think God is going to get pissed at you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for this post. It is powerful and profound.

Forgiveness is the act of letting go and not holding grudges, especially for things that cause pain or do damage in some way. With that foundation, I do believe in forgiving God for allowing pain and damage to occur. Part of faith (a big part, IMO) is choosing to accept there is a purpose in the end.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this, A+ post mom3.

Years ago I remember a SS teacher saying (and I’ll butcher it) everyone has someone they don’t get along with. Forgiving that person is the one relationship that is keeping us out of the celestial kingdom.

Forgiving is tough. Have you ever doubted whether you’ve truly forgiven someone? You’d think that you would know something like that, wouldn’t you?

With respect to forgiving god and the church. My dream calling would be helping people that are in our shoes at the stake level, similar to the addiction recovery thing but related to doubts and faith transitions. My only goal would be to help people let go of some of the bitterness that often accompanies the difficult transition. They can choose to stay or leave for themselves but I want to help them be happy. I can understand how from the church’s perspective they wouldn’t go for something like that but the people that ultimately decide to leave could have a better relationship with the church, they were likely to leave anyway but this way they aren’t left all alone.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Mom3, I love the story with your neighbor. This post was what I needed to hear today. Forgiveness is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. I have been yearning to be able to forgive. I want peace again after this crazy faith crisis! I happened across a book lately that is giving me hope of getting there. It’s called Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart by Robin Casarjian. I’m only about 30 pages in, but it has been insightful. I usually read a few pages at a time and then think over what I’ve read. I wanted to share a quote which has given me a new view of forgiveness. It says:

“Forgiveness is a decision to see beyond the limits of another’s personality. It is the decision to see beyond fears, idiosyncrasies, neuroses, and mistakes- to see a pure essence, unconditioned by personal history, that has limitless potential and is always worthy of respect and love. Forgiveness is a choice to “see the light instead of the lampshade,” … Actually, when forgiving, you may indeed see the lampshade (fear-based or conditioned identities), but you see it in the context of the light that illuminates the inner core of each of us.”

I like this perspective. For me, I know I’m never going to be OK with polygamy or the ways it was practiced in the early church and it will probably always make my heart grieve a little (and if I’m perfectly honest, give me the urge to break someone’s nose :problem: ). However, I think and have hope that I can get to the point at which I can look beyond the “lampshade” of some of the early leaders of the church and instead see the light/the spark of divine within. I love this view of forgiveness because I can get there without condoning their actions. I can get there without the unconditional trust I once held in church leaders. And by adopting that new view I can be a much more loving person. I’m clearly not there, but I’m working on it. Forgiveness is a process and I suspect I’ll have to choose it over and over and OVER again until it sticks.

I also recently listened to Chieko Okazaki’s talk entitled “Healing From Sexual Abuse” found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rs4XJURtSug. Near the end she says something to the effect of forgiving too quickly can keep you from working through what happened and fully healing. I thought that concept applies to a faith crisis as well. My faith crisis started about a year ago and I have needed and benefited from this time to process and grieve and I think I would have shortchanged my growth had I been able to put away my the feelings and pain earlier.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing the lovely story about forgiveness. It was something I needed to hear. We need to forgive so we can move forward in our life.

[Anonymous]

SilentDawning wrote:

Yep — it’s hard to forgive. I’m not sure I harbor bitterness or lack of forgiveness to the church any longer. And i think it’s great if you can forgive and go back to a full relationship again — but is that always wise>? And do peole change so that yes, they forgive, but the relationship is never the same again, or proceeds on different premises?

I agree.

Forgiving church hurt or church abuse is complex because the church generally seems like it will never admit fault. The church generally also seems to throw peope that have been hurt under the bus as having been “offended” or wanting to sin etc.

So my forgiveness includes a bit of “for they know not which they do.” They are generally good people with good intentions that are so wrapped up in their tribe and their tribe’s version of truth to understand the hurt they sometimes cause (Just like the Jews and Romans of old).

Believing as I do that the church and church members will probably continue some hurtful behaviors in relative ignorance – part of my healing is to set boundaries. It does no good for me to expose my gaping wound for others to pour salt in. I do not desire to play silent victim and come home emotionally abused – nor do I want to be combative and go on a useless counter offensive. Setting boundaries with someone who is unable to change their hurtful behavior is a crtical step in my opinion.

I believe that different boundaries will work differently for different people. For me there are three main categories of boundaries. First there are boudaries that limit my contributions to more sustainable levels. I cannot forgive if I feel that I am actively being taken advantage of. This means that my donations of time, money, and talents will be determined by me according to what I feel is sustainable. Second is to not place myself in positions where additional hurt is likely to occur. I reserve the right to quietly and politely excuse myself from classes that devolve into hurtful attitudes or maybe I will hang out in the hall or go home after SM. Third is to mentally frame everything in a way that depersonalizes it. I might view things as a cultural anrthropologist might. Instead of raging that someone doesn’t believe doubters are worthy of the CK, I might contemplate why it is important for this person or cultural system to hold to such an exclusive view.

On a more theological perspective I believe that God will lovingly coax us to let go of some of our hurts in the eternities. So I might personally modify the thread title to “someday we will be so enveloped with divine love, understanding, and safety that we can freely let go of all of our burdens.”

[Anonymous]

Roy – I am so glad you share your perspective here. I love your posts.

[Anonymous]

Roy wrote:

SilentDawning wrote:

Yep — it’s hard to forgive. I’m not sure I harbor bitterness or lack of forgiveness to the church any longer. And i think it’s great if you can forgive and go back to a full relationship again — but is that always wise>? And do peole change so that yes, they forgive, but the relationship is never the same again, or proceeds on different premises?

I agree.

Forgiving church hurt or church abuse is complex because the church generally seems like it will never admit fault. The church generally also seems to throw peope that have been hurt under the bus as having been “offended” or wanting to sin etc.

So my forgiveness includes a bit of “for they know not which they do.” They are generally good people with good intentions that are so wrapped up in their tribe and their tribe’s version of truth to understand the hurt they sometimes cause (Just like the Jews and Romans of old).

Believing as I do that the church and church members will probably continue some hurtful behaviors in relative ignorance – part of my healing is to set boundaries. It does no good for me to expose my gaping wound for others to pour salt in. I do not desire to play silent victim and come home emotionally abused – nor do I want to be combative and go on a useless counter offensive. Setting boundaries with someone who is unable to change their hurtful behavior is a crtical step in my opinion.

I believe that different boundaries will work differently for different people. For me there are three main categories of boundaries. First there are boudaries that limit my contributions to more sustainable levels. I cannot forgive if I feel that I am actively being taken advantage of. This means that my donations of time, money, and talents will be determined by me according to what I feel is sustainable. Second is to not place myself in positions where additional hurt is likely to occur. I reserve the right to quietly and politely excuse myself from classes that devolve into hurtful attitudes or maybe I will hang out in the hall or go home after SM. Third is to mentally frame everything in a way that depersonalizes it. I might view things as a cultural anrthropologist might. Instead of raging that someone doesn’t believe doubters are worthy of the CK, I might contemplate why it is important for this person or cultural system to hold to such an exclusive view.

On a more theological perspective I believe that God will lovingly coax us to let go of some of our hurts in the eternities. So I might personally modify the thread title to “someday we will be so enveloped with divine love, understanding, and safety that we can freely let go of all of our burdens.”

Amen, Brother. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

As a youth, Jesus hurt Mary and Joseph deeply. They had to forgive him for that, and Jesus had to learn not to be selfish and to consider the effect of his actions on others.

That’s not crazy talk; it is right there in every Bible ever printed.

I figure if Jesus needed to be forgiven, who am I to hold others, including myself, to a higher standard.

[Anonymous]

Roy – Another win with words for you.

Quote:

So I might personally modify the thread title to “someday we will be so enveloped with divine love, understanding, and safety that we can freely let go of all of our burdens.

[Author]

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