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My son is getting serious with a girl right now. Last time I posted about this subject I appreciated the advice. I am now thinking about the day when someday he will get married. It seems like somebody will be hurt and there is no way to avoid the pain. Scenario 1 – His older brother and me don’t attend the temple wedding. Even though I’ve explained my current disaffection with the church, he won’t have his dad or older brother there. We are a very close family and this will bring some hurt, if not immediate family, for sure aunts/uncles and grandparents. My wife’s family will of course, want to know why I’m not attending. Questions will have to be answered and it will be awkward to say the least.
Scenario 2 – My son marries civilly and has questions thrown at him about why didn’t he marry in the temple? No doubt the TBM’s on this day will feel something is not right. Who knows about the relatives on the side of his future bride. A major guilt trip could be laid on her as well. Again, pain follows what should be a beautiful day.
I have come to terms with the idea that I won’t be in the temple. I can handle that aspect now. My son understands my position and I know he will do what he believes. This should be a day where the union is celebrated by all, his non-member friends, my Catholic relatives, etc. I don’t see a scenario where someone doesn’t feel hurt on this day. It is starting to bug me more and more lately.
The best scenario would be a civil marriage and then the next day a temple sealing, but the church isn’t going to change this policy any time soon.
My future daughter-in-law’s family is anti-Mormon. She and my son are being sealed in the temple and then having a re-commitment ceremony very shortly afterward for everyone, including those who can’t attend the temple. They won’t exchange wedding vows, since they won’t imply that the sealing isn’t a real marriage, but they will organize it in such a way that her family gets to feel like they are part of an actual ceremony. They don’t need to get permission for something like that (since it won’t involve any official administration by anyone in the Church), so they won’t ask permission –
and they won’t let someone else’s opinion of whether they should or shouldn’t do it stop them from doing the right thing in their situation. They simply are having two ceremonies to honor the wishes of both families and not denigrate the temple sealing in any way. Imo, the ideal would be to be married civilly and then sealed within the week, but, since that’s not an option right now, they will compromise in a way that will show her family how much they care about celebrating their marriage with them. Ray, Have you talked to your future in-laws? How do they feel about the arrangement? I hope this works for you and your family.
When I married my mother could not attend. It hurt her for years. She couldn’t understand how all my wife’s family could attend and she was alone waiting in the temple visiting center. I had total tunnel vision then. I thought I was doing it the “right” way. I was too naive and young to realize the pain I caused my mother. It strained the relationship with my wife for years.
How do you explain to someone that they can’t attend a wedding ceremony?
I haven’t talked with them, but she has. Of course, they were upset at first, but she explained that the temple was a religious ceremony that was important to her and they would have another ceremony that was important to her family. She looked them in the eye and said:
Quote:“We love our religion and both of our families. We’re having two ceremonies so everyone can have exactly what they want to have. Will you support us?”
El Cid, You already know from our past exchange that my situation was similar. I’m the lone member of my family that didn’t attend the temple when my daughter was married.
For me, the issue fell into two distinct, but easy to conflate, issues.
The first one was “coming out” about being a non-believer. I had to do that with all my kids, my parents and my wife’s parents. I didn’t bother with the anyone else, because, well, frankly, they’d hear it from others and I didn’t want to spend a lot of time explaining it over and over to different people. I didn’t get into specifics or attack and defend mode. I just said that I’m no longer a believer, and that I won’t be able to attend the temple, and that I fully supported and was happy about their being married in the temple. Have courage. It’s tough to do. For me, it was a breakthrough moment, where I could be a lot more honest in my relationships… every person I told still loves me, and every single one of them treats me exactly how I’d like to be treated. I was happier 10 minutes after concluding these conversations than I had been for the 10 years before.
The next one is the issue of attendance.
Now, first of all, I too wish the Church would soften its stance on this. The Church recognizes civil marriages. I can see absolutely no reason why the Church should not allow, for a couple with TR and permission, to marry civilly in a nearby Stake Center, or in the temple waiting area, and then proceed into the temple for the sealing on that same day, as part of the same event. I expect that the Church will do this eventually. It makes sense to do so, in order to foster a feeling of familial bonds outside of the Church, and would help the Church seem more all-inclusive and less elitist. But, that’s not going to happen anytime soon, so you have to work within the boundaries and realities of today.
My advice is that the first step needs to be your own reconciliation with it. When my own daughter was married, I was, of course, sad that I couldn’t be there. But that day was about my daughter, not about me. I was much more happy for her, and at peace with the knowledge that the Temple Wedding was proper for her, and that because of that, it was something to celebrate, not lament. In other words, her being married in the temple out-weighed the unfortunate side-effect of my not be able to attend. I was fully engaged in the events of the day, just not in the ceremony. Bummer, but acceptable in the large. The important thing for me, was not to be a distraction, or a source of awkwardness. I was there, well-dressed, waiting outside the temple when they emerged, and had as big of a smile as anyone else in the party. I didn’t hide in the shadows, skulk around, grumble, or frown. I was genuinely happy for her, not only for the marriage, but the celebration of her reaching the highest ceremony of the temple and her religion. Years have gone by, and when I think back to that day, the first thought that comes into my mind isn’t sitting in the waiting area… my thoughts are about how beautiful she was, and how happy, and the joy that we all felt as a family… and how, as I told you before, when the bride and groom emerged from the temple, amid a hail of cheers and flashes, the first thing my girl did was walk straight to me and embrace me.
As long as you are fully supportive and content and welcoming of your son’s wedding in the temple, then aunts/uncles/cousins, won’t have much opportunity to object. After all, if you as the father, are genuinely OK with it, and open about being OK with it, then it’ll just be sour-grapes if they complain. If, during the wait, anybody starts to complain, just say, “Yeah, it’s pretty tough for me, but I’m so happy for my son. Don’t they make such a wonderful couple? …And by the way, I’m glad that I’m not alone out here… it means a lot to have you here with me.”
As for scenario 2, they marry civilly (and wait the, what is it one year?) before getting sealed in the temple, to me that’s not a good option. It’s asking your son and his bride to sacrifice because of you, rather than you sacrificing because of you. You raised your son to be a worthy young man with the goal of marrying in the temple, and now you see things differently. It is your burden, not his, and certainly not hers. While it wasn’t easy for me, I think I would have been more sad to see my daughter put her desires and principles on hold on my account.
Do a ring exchange at the reception. All of my step sons did for their father and one of the bride’s family and all the others that couldn’t be in the temple (younger siblings) and it work out really well. A very caring Bishop did it and to me it was just as nice as the temple ceremony only it had for the most part a little more light mood. It’s true that I got to go to both so maybe it would be different if I couldn’t. How ever it works out I wish you and all involved nothing but the best. Thanks all for the input. This day will be about my son and his new bride and of course, not about me. On Own Now, as always I appreciate you sharing your situation.I thinking about doing some preemptive work with immediated relatives prior to the wedding date. Talking to individuals will be repetative but I think it will avoid any akwardness or embarassment for my son. If everyone knows in advance prior to the temple date, then the focus will be off of me and on them where it should be. I assume this is what you did as well. I couldn’t tell from your post if some relatives found out you were not going to be in the temple on the wedding day or earlier. I like the idea of a ring ceremony but I will let me son decide that. Of course I know weddings are important for both men and women but I think men will agree that wedding day’s are mostly about the bride, her mother, etc. I’m not saying any of that is bad. It is wonderful. On my wedding day I could have worn any suit and any tie. I wanted the whole thing to be over with and take off. I didn’t care about the pictures or parties. That is why I feel so badly for my mother about her not being able to see me get married.
I think it will all be good. Thanks to all for listening.
“On Own Now”‘s advice was really great as usual. DD will be up for baptism in about 6 months and I might not be able to do the baptism. I have decided to meet with the Bishop far enough in advance to know what his feelings on this might be that I can arrange for a stand in if necessary (DD’s grandfather). If we need to go that route then I was planning on saying that DD really wanted her grandfather to baptise her. For me it would be terribly complicated to have the “I don’t believe” speech. Because I do believe some stuff and I hope for others – just not necessarily enough to pass the muster of an interview.
But I completely agree that this needs to be a special day for the person getting the ordinance. Anything you can do not to be a distraction from their “moment” is worth doing.
ElCid wrote:If everyone knows in advance prior to the temple date, then the focus will be off of me and on them where it should be. I assume this is what you did as well. I couldn’t tell from your post if some relatives found out you were not going to be in the temple on the wedding day or earlier.
I talked to my kids enough in advance that it wasn’t an issue with them… I didn’t talk to my parents and wife’s parents until a few days before the wedding, and I wish I had done that much sooner. Close friends who attended already knew from long before. I didn’t talk directly to other family members, assuming they would hear about it. In retrospect, while it was great that I had the conversations I had, I think you are taking a much better approach of talking to everyone directly and much earlier.Roy wrote:DD will be up for baptism in about 6 months and I might not be able to do the baptism. I have decided to meet with the Bishop far enough in advance to know what his feelings on this might be that I can arrange for a stand in if necessary (DD’s grandfather). If we need to go that route then I was planning on saying that DD really wanted her grandfather to baptise her.
For me it would be terribly complicated to have the “I don’t believe” speech. Because I do believe some stuff and I hope for others – just not necessarily enough to pass the muster of an interview.
Roy, I hope it works out for you… I actually had two bishops that allowed me to continue to perform ordinances under the idea that I was ordained, still lived as worthily as anyone else, my faith crisis aside. I think the way you describe your belief/hope should put you in good stead, and perhaps he will consent to you performing the baptism, if you are interested. If he’s less excited about you doing the confirmation, that’s a perfect one for the grandpa, anyway.According to the CHI, only serious worthiness issues should keep a father who is at least a Priest from baptizing his children. An active temple recommend is not necessary at all for that ordinance, since unendowed Priests can do it. Particularly after Elder Holland’s talk in General Conference, issues of faith and doubt should not affect that in any way. I know hardline Bishops might not understand that on their own, but it’s crystal clear Church policy right now.
If I were in your shoes, Roy, I would take a slightly different approach. I would go to my Bishop early and mention that I want to make sure everyone who will be involved in the confirmation is approved well in advance when I baptize my child, and I want to find out how to go about getting the approval for each of them. I wouldn’t say a word about the baptism except in passing (“when I baptize my child”) and make the Bishop bring up any concern he might have about me performing it. If he didn’t say anything, no conversation would be necessary; if he did, a conversation could take place – but I wouldn’t have that conversation about faith and doubts. Rather, I would have it about Priest-level worthiness.
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