Something I have to say And you probably won’t like it

[Anonymous]

I came to this board for this reason:

Quote:

StayLDS.com is a site dedicated to helping members of the LDS Church who are struggling with their faith. The particular focus of this site is to provide help and answers outside the currently existing apologetics. You are not alone because of your doubts and concerns. You are not crazy or bad for wondering. There are challenging topics in our rich history. There are challenges in our church culture. It can be difficult to peacefully coexist with others at different points in their journey of faith.

At first I have felt an outpouring of love and support. But it seems that there is only so far I can question, and so much personal information about my struggle that can be shared before somebody turns to me and says “Try to let it go”, “Take a break”. “See somebody about OCD”.

I felt so welcomed as I said at first. But this does not make me feel welcomed.

I must say. Publicly, because all those comments where public to me. Not private.

I was told to take a break once, and I actually found that okay. The first time was, like, yeah, duh I need a break, I’m planning a wedding, going to move soon. So yeah. Need a break.

The second time I was told to let things go (by multiple people), I got a bit vocal about it, and got in response something to the effect of “Don’t tell me what to say”. Well then why in heavens name are you telling me what to say or do? If you do not want me to tell you what to do. Don’t tell me.

Because usually and all my friends and family can attest to this. I very rarely ever get bossy with people. I just let them be. I have a live and let live attitude more then I would like at times. But I try to let people just live. And say what they want. Because I want the same courtesy. And I’m not really getting that here.

If it was just one comment. I would be okay with it. But these comments, weather or not you think they have the best intentions. Are extremely isolating and frustrating because I rarely see anybody else getting these same comments. And they hurt my feelings deeply. I was trying to remain extremely calm, but when emotions well up inside of you, its hard to do so.

Now, yes I admit, I am obsessed with these issues I’ve been talking about. But as Joseph Smith said about finding out about which church to join, this will just not let me be. I forget about it for a few weeks it comes back. And you know what? I am starting to realize, I don’t want to let it go. Nope, not until I get answers. So I will pray, questions, write. To get my feelings out of my head because that is very therapeutic for me.

And so with that. I will stay on this forum, but only in as much to check my inbox if I got any messages. I see that nobody really wants to hear about how deep my struggles go. The only other option I feel for me at this time would be creating a forum someplace else, that I can moderate to the effect that if anybody is telling other people what to do that is just not acceptable. If I have to be law of mosesish to get that point across so damn well be it.

Funny thing is, I feel all warm inside writing this. Its probably just emotion, or maybe just maybe it could be the Holy Spirit? Or both.

Anyway. That is all I have to say. You probably won’t like it.

[Anonymous]

What else can I say other than that I’m sorry for any unintentional offense?. I need to hear these things in order to respond differently, since I didn’t intend to offend in any way.

Having written that, I have no idea if it will offend you more. I am NOT trying to “blame” you for anything. I am NOT trying to say anything at all except that I am sorry and that my part in it (the OCD question) was not meant negatively in any way. It simply was a question, offered in an attempt to understand better and suggest a possible source of help. In trying to help, I offended – and I truly am sorry for that.

[Anonymous]

I second what Ray has said. Sorry for your struggles, and I hope you continue to feel welcome here. There are many who participate here who do have issues like OCD or other things that therapy is helpful for. Some are participating in therapy for those types of issues. I just want to clarify that everyone is welcome and there’s no stigma to therapy here.

[Anonymous]

That is unfortunate if you are not receiving the support you were hoping for. Coping strategies like “take it slow” and “take a break” have been effective for many and good advice we share often, certainly not singling you out any more than others have been given this advice.

The forum is not intended to be a place to vent feelings only, but working on strategies to overcoming our questions and problems.

Please review the Rules of Etiquette under Rules and Policies section. It states:

Quote:

Please share your feelings, even if you have sometimes been disappointed with something in the Church. That is ok. It is helpful and positive to share these feelings. You will probably find a lot of kindred souls here. PLEASE NOTE: Sharing stories of disappointment and frustration must be done in a way that fosters a discussion about solutions. Feel free to share something that bothers you along with a solution that worked for you personally. Feel free to share something that bothers you and ask for help or alternative viewpoints and solutions from the community. If you only post a problem, and we can’t figure out how to turn it into a discussion in line with the mission of StayLDS, it will probably be deleted or a moderator will ask you to edit the post.

Please frame your posts according to the rules all of us adhere to in the forum. Ask for support. Feel free to ignore what does not resonate with you, and offer your ideas on what has been helpful for you that might benefit others.

[Anonymous]

You know sometimes you can’t fix something right away. Sometimes it needs to be vented. And honestly that is the only way it works for me. To write it down first. Then take a minute to breath because I wrote it down.

You can’t take everything and give me a solution. If you want me to clarify something. I will, but more often then not. I put down feelings because feelings quite frankly are what I have a lot of.

Again, if you want clarification of what exactly is bugging me. Please ask that question. That is more constructive to me.

[Anonymous]

And one more thing, the only solution I have seen to answer my problems is meeting up in a group to actually do something about it. To get up and off my butt, and do something that is constructive about it. But at this minute, the only constructive thing I can do, is vent my feelings.

Why are people afraid of venting feelings? And, please answer this next question (the previous one was rhetorical), how would you personally go about venting your feelings in a constructive way?

I am personally asking you what you would do. This isn’t about me right now. This question is completely directed toward every one here.

[Anonymous]

Well I have one idea that would be very constructive for me.

A single thread that is entitled “Vent here”, and people can just vent. Can’t we just make that possible? I will start it if I have to.

And I must say I like hearing your stories, of your struggles and how you handled it. Maybe also instead of telling me to let it go, or something similar to that effect. Maybe use an example from your life saying “You know one time this happened…”

Isn’t that constructive?

Hmm, I didn’t realize I was venting feelings more then stating opinions, and asking questions. I seem to remember most of my posts being a combination of both. And a bit long, so if you didn’t catch all of it, you can always read it again. And as I said before. If you are confused about something, simply ask me. I will remember to extend the same courtesy to you.

[Anonymous]

wonderingcurrent, you specifically asked:

Quote:

Why are people afraid of venting feelings? And, please answer this next question (the previous one was rhetorical), how would you personally go about venting your feelings in a constructive way?

I am personally asking you what you would do. This isn’t about me right now. This question is completely directed toward every one here.

I know your 1st question is rhetorical but as a preface to the 2nd question, I have found over the years that there is nothing wrong with venting feelings. You have to know your audience. Within the LDS church, for example, members get very nervous when anyone shows emotions such as anger, frustration, fear, doubt, etc. As a result, many will remain quiet & say nothing. Or, they will try to exercise some form of judgement.

2nd question: How would you personally go about venting your feelings in a constructive way?

I do the following:

I have cultivated a core group of friends (& relatives) that know me very well. I know that I can ask or tell them anything and feel safe that they will not betray my confidence. I trust their judgement on a wide variety of topics. They know that they can come to me & do the same. For me, church membership is not a requirement.

This forum is a good way for me to express myself in a variety of ways & get good or new ideas on various topics. Plus, I can do it anonymously or reveal more details about myself, if I want to. It doesn’t replace my need for personal contact. Nothing is better than face to face communication. Some people will use support groups. Some will use Psychiatrist or Psychologist. Some can use their Home Teacher or Visiting Teacher. (I use my current HT)

If you want clarification or if I’ve offended you in anyway, please let me know. Or, feel free to send me a Private Message.

Mike from Milton.

[Anonymous]

wonderingcurrent, I have a simple question, and it is sincere:

Do you want an honest, open, direct, comprehensive response to your comments, do you want sympathy and agreement with what you say, do you want personal examples and proposed solutions, do you want critical analysis, etc.?

I would like to know what exactly you want, because, honestly, I could respond in lots of different ways but have no idea right now which ones would offend and which ones wouldn’t.

One thing I can tell you is that there is NO “just vent here” option at StayLDS. That’s not what we do here. It’s OK to vent in ANY thread, but we don’t confine ANY thread to nothing but venting. It just isn’t what we do.

[Anonymous]

wonderingcurrent wrote:

Why are people afraid of venting feelings? And, please answer this next question (the previous one was rhetorical), how would you personally go about venting your feelings in a constructive way?

StayLDS.com forums are not for pure venting. That isn’t how we run it. It isn’t a “safe place” to say anything and everything for the sake of getting it all out. People who come here WILL be challenged by other people in the community.

There are other sites for venting. I am serious in saying they serve a valuable purpose to the community. They are needed, but we are not one of those sites. Here is one for Mormons that are angry and need to vent: http://www.exmormon.org/

You will find people there venting, mentally puking their guts out to get rid of the anger and damage they have felt. It is real and needed. It helps plenty of people. But like I said, we aren’t one of those types of communities.

Another option is to start a personal but anonymous blog. Then you are a community of one and can moderate all the responses you want. That is an option.

But there you go … 🙂 We’re offering solutions again and not an open mike for venting. That’s how we roll. We’re a solutions and support community.

Love you Wonderingcurrent, and totally feel for where you are at. You have a lot of questions, and I know you will find answers that satisfy you on your own time scale. I don’t know the answers to some of my questions either yet, but I keep working on them.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Another option is to start a personal but anonymous blog. Then you are a community of one and can moderate all the responses you want.

That’s a really good idea, if your main goal is to get it all out without anyone critiquing what you write in any way.

If you’re looking for an online group where you can accomplish that goal, I think the only options are ones like Brian mentioned that tend to be much more negative in tone than we are – but they also aren’t any more “objective” than we are. They tend to feed on and reinforce negativity, so I’m careful how often I recommend them for people who still want to remain positive overall.

I’d like to have you stay (especially since the majority of your comments express thanks for insights you’ve received from other people here), but if you are looking for a “vent only” site, this just isn’t it.

[Anonymous]

To answer the question posted earlier — what would you do? Well, I’m one of those people who did vent and return to the issues that bother me a lot. I found there were some “get over it” responses that I’m used to hearing from others who don’ t have the same problems with dealing with the bad stuff I have — including difficulty letting go. I realized after a while people weren’t responding to my posts when I would write, that I was reiterating the same things and getting no feedback, It kind of hurts but in the long run, it’s better to know what people actually think, particularly when a lot of people think the same way about it. It kind of forced me to stop talking about the same issues over and over again. I got tired of telling my story about the litany of offences I’ve experienced in the Church.

When I realized no one had any more to say, or were not responding to my posts, I decided it was time find a happy place with the Church again. And I think I’ve found it — in quiet support of my family and strong indifference to the should’s of our religion that I truly don’t agree with anymore.

Regarding an open-vent thread — well, there used to be an Angst thread at new order mormon, and I think they closed it. I’m not sure why, but I think they didn’t get the results they were hoping for.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing, SD. Well said.

This is a good reminder of the value of a group forum. No single one of us can fully understand or know how to help find the right words others look for or need to hear. Sometimes, my posts express all I have to offer in understanding or experience, and are grossly inadequate for many people. I sometimes specifically look for Posts from Cadence, or DA, or SamBee, or others that I think might have a different take on a subject from me, because I want to hear other ideas. I can’t learn new ideas if I just seek affirmation for my existing thoughts, and can’t expect new results in my life if I’m not open to it.

Each person that adds to the discussion brings further light and knowledge and understanding and love to the forum. The more that add, the richer the orchestra sound. Even the harsh crashing sounds of percussions (perhaps similar to a need for some venting feelings) adds beautifully to the orchestral movement. But as we’ve stated, we can’t just have crashing percussions without the context and melody to surround it.

While the forum is not just for venting, there are places for it while seeking solutions and new ideas. As you shared so well in your post, SD, you have found ways to work through that on and off this board. And now you return to share your gift with others.

Thanks for sharing and reaching out with empathy from your experience. We’re glad you’re here!

[Anonymous]

You know, yes I came here to offer solutions and find solutions. And yes to vent.

Solution 1: We come to a compromise, and policy changes, to allow some venting.

Solution number 2: We agree to end this conversation now, and I never come back, because yes I feel signaled out, because I am going against how you think it ought to work here. Which means a complete deletion of my account, and all posts associated with it.

Solution number 3: We take a look again, at my other posts, and a lot of other posts similar to it. I hear a lot of people here speculate. So we can speculate, which doesn’t really offer any concrete solutions, but we can’t vent? Interesting.

Solution number 4: Since you don’t like me venting or expressing feelings in any of my posts, that it seems to be strictly that I should only come here to offer a solution, or a question. Then we agree that for now on, if I have a question, I will pm people, and people will be okay to pm me.

Those are the solutions I think would work. And I am angry and pissed off right now, so lets take this as a poll:

Which one of these offer the best solution for every one involved?

A) Solution 1

Solution 2

C) Solution 3

D) Solution 4

[Anonymous]

You know I am tired of reiterating the same thing. Yes, I see that it can be tiring for other people to hear the same things. But I think that is what is called patience.

I am all up for an angst thread but that doesn’t seem to be a solution here.

Honestly. I even wrote on my blog the following after thinking about all my questions:

I realize that maybe its not like I’m asking the wrong questions, but that I’m asking the same questions.

So maybe helpful comment, other then “Let it go” or take a break, would be a reminder to me. That “Hey Sarah, you seem to be asking the same questions, is there a way you could rephrase that” Well now you know the name of the person behind this pseudonym. I am a real person, might as well call me by my name.

That is another solution, so we could add solution 5 to the list.

So:

A) Solution 1 – We come to a compromise, policy isn’t used as the end all

Solution 2 – I leave. end of story, all my posts get deleted by administration

C) Solution 3 – Take a look again at my posts.

D) Solution 4 – I only pm people if I have a question or solution to problems, and become the quiet lurker again

E) Solution 5 – a gentle reminder to rephrase, rather then let go

And I guess I am really asking for three things:

1) Understanding people vent, and like the above writer said about their experience, if you don’t like it, Simply ignore me. LIke people ignore so much of what I say.

2) Majority says, isn’t always right

3) To see the solutions, and questions behind the vent, because it is there. Even if my thought is a mumble jumble, ADD mess

Well lets make that four:

4) If you have questions about what I said above, if you do not see any solutions or questions, if you do not see how this relates to staying LDS, then please send me a question, publicly or through pm. If you are confused simply let me know.

(and now I should make number 4 my signature, how do I do that? ooh never mind found it)

I think that sums up about everything I have said on this thread. Nicely organized I hope that nobody can mistake what I say. And if you misunderstand what I say, as I said Please ask me.

And if none of these solutions, seem like solutions to you. Then At least I tried. So be it. The end.

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