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Does your son know you are here at StayLDS? I’d love to hang out with him and bounce ideas.
He does know about my online stuff, although I don’t think he reads my stuff much. I totally appreciate the generous offer. I think he thinks being around my friends would be weird. I offered up Steve Peck, and he was not interested. In fact, I had previously recommended Steve’s book, a Short Stay in Hell, and he wrinkled his nose up and said he didn’t like church books (the rest of you will know how funny that is if you’ve read it). I laughed out loud and said it wasn’t a church book at all – it was more of a philosophy book, the sort of thing he reads all the time, and that I also hate church books. It’s not like I’ve ever read any church books (he means like Work & the Glory, books I considered so bad I couldn’t even get through the first one). So, that was a bit insulting. Sometimes I think kids simply have blinders on when it comes to their parents. He actually said he had hesitated to tell us because Curtis (Penfold) got kicked out and disowned and whatever. Seriously! As if we would ever do that! It’s just like he hasn’t been paying attention the last 18 years.
I am feeling much better today, though, FWIW. I’m coming to terms with this. I’m accepting it. There’s still a bit of a wound in my chest, but it is starting to heal.
Update: We flew him home for the three day weekend and spent quite a bit of time with him. He & I had two very late night heart to heart talks (2 of the 3 nights). He started the weekend stating he was a “nonbeliever” and ended saying he “has a lot of doubts.” That’s a big difference, IMO. But that doesn’t mean 2 more months away from home won’t cause him to revert to nonbeliever. Looking at the financial situation closer, the U of U is simply not an option. We aren’t residents, and he is our dependent, so he is ineligible for in state tuition. It is simply too expensive. Even at in state levels, it would be higher than BYU. Out of state tuition is 2.5x higher than in state. He’s now got two options: 1) ASU (where he does qualify for in state, although it’s still higher than BYU) or 2) make BYU work. We think he will choose ASU and get a job to cover the gap. The simple fact is that we planned his college tuition coverage based on a two year mission during which his savings accumulates interest and his expenses are dramatically lower. Without that, we are coming up short, and we just signed on to start up a new business, so our funds are tied up. His grades aren’t good enough to get a scholarship, and we look too wealthy for him to qualify for aid. On the upside, ASU doesn’t require the remaining 10 hours of religion that are a total throwaway, and they also give him better credit for his AP courses (two of which will now count toward his major). Also on the upside, if he’s closer to home, maybe we’ll have more of a stabilizing effect on him when he goes off half cocked about something he’s read online.
He also shared with us that part of his issue is that a girl from our Singapore ward (I was her SS teacher for half the time we were there) is bisexual and when she told her parents they were very controlling, made her break up with her GF and are forcing her to go to BYU after graduation. Of course, she was only 15 at the time, and he’s only heard her side of what happened, so I am a little bit skeptical about just how bad it was, but apparently it’s one reason he didn’t know what we would say because he was surprised about how her parents reacted. Her mom is a lawyer, one of the top Asian women in business, a Harvard grad. They are progressive to say the least.
So we haven’t been controlling, we’ve been approachable and supportive and realistic, but I’m still disappointed, and I think he may not have the tools to stay at this age. He doesn’t seem to consider the bias of his sources, which I’ve had to point out consistently as he brings up his issues, just to share with him that people who say things are coming from their own place, and facts and opinions are hard to separate.
It sounds like ASU is the better option, but if he wants to establish residency in Utah, I’d love to help him out with that. UVU is an option as well, and I suspect cheaper than Utah. (There’s Weber and USU too, or SUU, or Dixie…but I can’t help with those schools.) I teach at SLCC. At the beginning of each semester, I teach sampling techniques by polling the class on a controversial topic, often gay marriage. At SLCC, one class had like 68% in favor of Same Sex marriage. At UVU, it was something like 35%. I live roughly the same distance from both campuses. There is definitely a difference between SL and Utah counties, but even UVU is dramatically different than BYU. mormonheretic wrote:UVU is dramatically different than BYU.
yes MH. I agree.
I have one daughter in BYU-I and one in UVU. The girls are as different as those campuses. But UVU has surprised me. While my daughters room mates (2 of them) were evicted for smoking pot…my daughter has actually become more active there than she was when she left us after Sr year in high school.
UVU seems to allow free thinking and my daughter has time to make up her mind about what she believes. But she seems to be surrounded by a lot of guys she wants to date who are active…and that is more influence than her dad has had.
The good thing is being able to support these kids as they figure it out. Fact is…the world is just different than when we were growing up. They are facing issues and choices on belief I wasn’t even aware of at their age. That is not a bad thing. It is what it is. It just probably moves up the timeline. Instead of them marrying in the temple having 3 kids, getting in their 30s and then having a faith crisis…they seem to be faced with issues now at 17, 18, 19 or early twenties to decide what they truly believe or what makes sense.
How many stories have we heard on this website where couples go through the crisis…one person at a different stage than another. Or in-laws that are devasted.
Maybe it is easier for them to go through this before they are married or have kids?
Quote:Maybe it is easier for them to go through this before they are married or have kids?
Maybe, but that assumes they have the wherewithal to tell the difference between a reputable source and a biased one. Come to think of it, neither do most adults.
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