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Hi Roy, I really liked what you said in your supportive entry to AfterAll:
Roy said:
Quote:
Later during my own mission, I wrote of some of the hardships to my own sister. She told me that I could come home and that there was a whole world out there outside the LDS church. I remember thinking that the only world that mattered was the LDS world.
what your sister said about being a whole world out there outside the church was the philosophy i adopted to handle being inactive/less-active. when you are active you tend to become so LDS church-culture centric and it can really be tough to “think outside the box” and when disappointment comes within the LDS church world it can really be hard on us emotionally.and Roy said:
Quote:
I have had discussions with TBM DW about what we might do if one of our children declared themselves to be gay, and our answer we have come up with is to pretty much to leave the church for the wellbeing of our child (DW maintains this will never happen to us). I maintain that some people do better outside the church than they ever could inside it.
i have thought a lot about this issue myself and one thing i think is sooooo important for family and church members to adopt as a philosophy is to be accepting – bottom line – of our gay brothers and sisters. most, if not all didn’t choose their sexual orientation and that is what we have to remember.To AfterAll:
i think the big issue, AfterAll, is “church culture” within the LDS church. active members can be so immersed in the culture that what is considered a cultural norm is not necessarily a healthy norm(societal dysfunction). food for thought definitely.
Mike
My son has emotional issues that are emerging, and anxiety is one. I am raising him with low expectations of a mission now. I’m going to be TOTALLY OK if he decides not to go. I’m not going to push it, and I’m definitely not teaching my daughter she has to marry a returned missionary in front of him, behind his back or in any way. I know first hand that serving a mission doesn’t make a man a better husband — what matters is how well each spouse meets the others’ needs. And I don’t think a mission really prepared me to do that very well. I too would downplay the be-all-end-all cultural value that you have to serve a mission to get a decent wife….or to be a first-class citizen. I would help him feel good about himself, and let him know that although a mission can be a great thing, for many people, it’s not a great experience. Help him see the wide playing field available to him now that he is free to use these younger adolescent years to do something else he really wants to do.
Also, train him not to care about what others think. I’ve been described as caring too much, but my daughter is not that way at all. She doesnt’ care at all what others think about how she looks, dresses, fashion, you name it — it’s a very healthy reaction to life. I would work on helping him see that the expectations of serving a mission are cultural, perhaps a result of senior leaders trying to find ways of encouraging missionary service in a misdirected way, and to help him see that people who are judgmental about that need to grow in their spirituality and charity….but at the same time, teach him to be charitable and kind toward them. I think that is the best insulation against our judgmental character as a religion — expose it to our children, inoculate them against it, while helping them to be charitable toward the judgmentalists.
Personally, although my mission was a successful experience mostly (although people said I came back from it having lost my charisma and positivity, perhaps due to all the negative rejection, for example), there are times I wish I had’ve studied music during those years, and then had a full life of part-time performing and gigging, without having to learn my instrument while raising a family. I know I would not have regretted that one bit. Is there something else he could put the money toward that would make this period very rewarding for him, so he looks back on this period when he was serving a mission as a highly rewarding one he doesnt’ regret?
I realize now that there is A LOT more to life than “being a good priesthood holder” and serving in the Church organization. It is only one bite from the apple — and I think our Church culture sometimes teaches us its the ONLY one — a deep misnomer in my view.
afterall, I just had a thought that I normally wouldn’t have, so I hope it is inpired in some way. One of the most famous/infamous verses in our entire scriptual canon is 2 Nephi 25:23. It says:
Quote:“we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”
I’m NOT going to go into the different ways that verse can be interpreted right now, but I think it might help your son in his current situation to understand that,
no matter what others think about him and his release (even the leaders of your ward and stake, perhaps), and no matter how the verse above is interpreted, it says in crystal clear terms that your son has been saved by the grace of God in the specific instance of his missionary service. Saved from what? I think it is fair to say from every negative aspect of his release. Period.
Isaiah 53:4-5 says:
Quote:Surely he hath borne our griefs, and
carried our sorrows. . . the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. The parts I skipped don’t apply to your son’s situation, but the parts above do. I hope he can recognize what is taught in these three verses and accept that,
in God’s eyes, his service was enough – since it was “all (he) can do”. To Silent Dawning: You are being very wise ahead of time for your son. To Be Like Christ: yes, it is church culture and it must make our Heavenly Parents weep.
To Ray: Thank you again! That is the verse my posting name is coming from but I didn’t think to present the verse to him that way and I will.
This is a hard experience. We are doing our best to help him step back into life. I pray he will continue to embrace the church and not walk away. He came home and changed the picture on our desktop to one of the Salt Lake Temple. I know his heart is right.
I have two sons that had wanted to serve missions, but ended up not going. At first I was dissappointed that they backed out and they could see my dissappointment. It was when I stopped making it about me and really listened to them, I was able to tell them how much I respected them for being honest and following their hearts. One backed out because he said he would be going for the wrong reasons (because girls at BYU would go for him). He finally admitted he just did not have a testimony of the church, even though he sincerely tried to get one. The other son discovered he was gay and felt rejected by the church. I served a mission in Europe which was very hard and realized that missions aren’t for everyone. More and more people in the church are having their own problems and realizing that we cannot judge others. Those Mormons or Christians who can only see ‘the SIN’ are never able to reach out and help others. Great job you are doing with your son.
Missions are INCREDIBLY stressful even under the most ideal circumstances. While I am glad I went, I would never want to repeat the experience. To have any kind of health problem (mental or physical) while on a mission would render the experience almost unbearable. I came across this article some time ago that might be useful: http://ldsliving.com/story/63954-when-a-missionary-returns-early One of the ideas I like most from the article is that we should view missionary service like military service. If a soldier is “wounded” and sent home, his service is still celebrated. We should do the same with our missionaries who may return home early (though honorably). ANY service provided should be acknowledged as worthwhile. There is nothing particularly magical about “two years.” In fact, I sometimes wonder if the church shouldn’t allow all missionaries to choose their length of service. Perhaps more would go if they had the option of a six month mission or twelve month mission or perhaps even a three year mission. Such choices MIGHT remove the stigma of coming home early. (Doubt it will happen though as it would require some major restructuring of the administrative organization of missions).
On a more personal level, I’ve known a number of men who have not gone on missions. A good friend of mine decided not to but got married instead. He’s still a faithful member of the church and his oldest daughter recently married (in the temple). My brother decided to return home early. Not for any sin on his part or for health reasons, he just HATED his mission. I didn’t agree with his decision at the time but with the perspective of years can see that coming home was probably just as hard as staying and he made the choice that worked best for him. Despite all that, when he stopped by my home for the first time after returning from the mission, I gave him a hug and told him I was glad to see him. It was the impulse of the moment but, in retrospect, I can see it was the right thing to do. He is now married to a nice LDS girl and has two children.
It is wrong for anyone to pass judgment on missionaries who have come home early. And it is even more wrong to assume that they can’t be good and faithful men, husbands and fathers without a complete missionary experience. If afterall’s son is rejected by any young woman for not being a “true” missionary, all I can say is “good riddance to her.” Those relationships should be about who you “are” not what you’ve “done”.
Gerald, thank you for that link. I will definitely print that out for my son to read. I think it will help him quite a bit. Bridget_Night: How wise of your sons to know themselves so well and not to give in to the pressures of our culture to fake it through a mission.
He is running the gauntlet now as the word is getting out and he is running into people. He is getting better about saying his rehearsed answer to people who push beyond his answer. In one situation where there were a few people, another person chimed in and corrected the person who was being pushy. There is a lot of pressure now coming for him to go back.
We will be glad when this part of it is over and he is back in classes and working. This is another hard part. He stepped out of his classes and job. Now he has to find another job in this economy and wait for awhile for classes.
No word or reachout from the bishop. We’re a little disappointed with that.
It is the first reaction of any (loving) parent to reach out & try to protect their children at anytime in their life. Our children are 30+ years old & we still try to protect them when we can. (Even when we haven’t been asked for the help.) Now as we’re retired & getting older, they are trying to protect us. The secret is: when do you let them learn on their own. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I suspect that as your son goes through this experience, it will make him stronger & more sensitive to the needs of others. If it hasn’t happened already. I like what Gerald wrote:
Quote:It is wrong for anyone to pass judgment on missionaries who have come home early. And it is even more wrong to assume that they can’t be good and faithful men, husbands and fathers without a complete missionary experience. If afterall’s son is rejected by any young woman for not being a “true” missionary, all I can say is “good riddance to her.” Those relationships should be about who you “are” not what you’ve “done”.
I would add: it wrong for us to pass judgement on anyone. We usually don’t know the full story. Plus, it’s none of our business, period.
Stay positive!
Mike from Milton.
Great comments! AfterAll,
Let your son know that there is an exciting world out there to be explored!
Now is his time (before settling down) to experience different places, people & experiences.
Personally, I’m shifting the goal from mission to something like peace corp for my kids.
I love the idea of service, especially during the most self-centered time of life.
There are so many who are starving, or otherwise in need!
For the first time ever – those who are starving have almost reached 1 billion!
And I believe if Jesus were here, (like his parable of the good Samaritan)…
he would have these young missionaries serving to alleviate suffering like this.
If your son’s anxiety is partly due to leaving home (which is common)… I’d start with something short & less demanding – & go from there.
I hope the best for your son! This experience (like all) have the potential to contribute to his character… like looking within for self-esteem.
Still, we can’t help but be influenced by those around us… so it might be good for him to experience a change of scenery.
Yesterday a homecoming sister missionary gave her first talk after returning to her (and our) home ward. She was assigned to talk about the BOM but she talked a lot about her mission. She had come home early. She told about how she got “really sick” about six months out, and then how months later her health wasn’t improving. She eventually came to the conclusion (assisted by prayer) that she should return home. I got up afterwards and spoke to her. I told her that I had a friend (Afterall’s son) that had also been honorably released early due to health issues and that it had been difficult for him coming home. I shared how the scripture “we are saved by grace after all that we can do” took on new meaning to my friend as he truly had given all that he could. I felt inspired to share with her that her service was just as valued and acceptable to the Lord as the 2 yrs or 1.5 yrs that others may give and the rest in Christ’s hands to cover us in grace.
I just wanted to share with you all how this discussion prepared me to respond positively to this young woman that was having a hard time. Thanks!
Very cool, Roy! AfterAll, I think your son’s story has affected alot of us in a very positive way. I like what Roy said:
Quote:I felt inspired to share with her that her service was just as valued and acceptable to the Lord as the 2 yrs or 1.5 yrs that others may give and the rest in Christ’s hands to cover us in grace. I just wanted to share with you all how this discussion prepared me to respond positively to this young woman that was having a hard time. Thanks!
I know I will be listening closely to the stories of all returning missionaries & think about your son too. We should welcome all of our missionaries home with the same enthusiasm.
Their service is unselfish. As a result, they deserve our gratitude & respect. Imagine if everyone on this forum did what Roy did, it would be a great way to show gratitude instead of judgement.
A great way to “pass it forward”.
My thanks too.
Mike from Milton.
Thank you everyone! And Roy, thank you for reaching out to that returned sister missionary. Maybe as each of us goes forward to encourage those returning we can help create a culture of appreciation and respect for these young ones who are trying so hard! My son is doing fairly well. For the most part, the majority of people have been kind or at least noninterfering. He has had one situation of being pressured to go back out and another person actually intervened and corrected the person doing the pressuring. One man made a point of telling him not to allow anyone to make him feel bad and indicated he had personal experience with this as well. The article Gerald linked to was very helpful to him, as well as advice others have given here.
He knows his family has circled the wagons around him and that he has our love and support to go forward. His siblings have been spending a lot of time with him.
I appreciate again the support that has been rendered here! My husband took time to read through the dialogue and we truly felt our burdens were addressed by all of you at a time when we felt very alone. I am so glad the discussion has already carried over to lift another’s burden.
I have lurked here for about a year, but after reading this thread felt the need to register and comment. I was sent home from my mission about 2.5 years ago for anxiety issues, and it’s been a very tough road. A lot of what has been brought up here has sadly been true in my case, but this isn’t about me it’s about your son and your family so I just wanted to throw out a little bit of advice. My intention is not to project my experiences on him or your family. I just want to share what has worked for me and what hasn’t. Like I said, it’s been tough but that doesn’t mean it has been impossible. It’s inevitable that people are going to judge him for it. It takes time to come to the realization that that’s their problem and not yours. You served the best you could. It took me 2 years to get to that point where I could mostly ignore this. It’s easy to recognize and realize that behavior like that isn’t Christ like, but it’s hard to really internalize that belief when you’re the one it’s directed at. Just don’t give up.
Many girls are unfortunately going to react negatively to this, despite the fact that it was an honorable release. This really is one of the most difficult parts of dealing with being sent home. Our culture is so centered around marriage and families and I have to admit that at times I have wondered whether or not I will ever find someone to marry. What makes it easier though is recognizing that I am still pretty young and this gives me time to explore both relationships and the world. It’s true that I have had several dates go south once the girl realizes I was sent home early. It hurts. A lot. But on the other hand it has made the relationships that I have had where the girl doesn’t care more rewarding. Before anyone goes and says that that sounds kind of self deprecating, it’s not. These few girls have exemplified the qualities that I valued the most in a girlfriend before the mission; they’re understanding, empathetic, and slow to judge. My situation has brought me a lot of rejection, but also gave me the opportunity to get to know these girls that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise.
Another difficult part for me that remains difficult to this day is dealing with the emotions that come up whenever missionary work is discussed. Whether it’s a farewell, a homecoming, or just people sharing mission stories it can be hard to handle. Because of the way that you tend to feel that you failed your mission or the way that it feels like people are looking down on you, you just feel like crawling into a ball. Try your hardest to avoid this. It’s really hard, but the sooner you can get in there and share your own experiences (no matter how few or insignificant you think they were) the sooner you come to realize that it wasn’t a failure. Own your mission and don’t let anyone ever tell you that you failed or quit.
The last thing I wanted to comment on is the whole process for going back out. Assuming the policy hasn’t changed since the end of 2010, they’re going to require that he serve a length of time in his home mission. Make sure that if he decides to go back out that the Stake President doesn’t just go out on a whim deciding what needs to be done to convince Salt Lake that he’s ready to go back out. There’s a whole process in place that Missionary Medical and LDS Family Services have and it has to be followed in order to return. My Stake President didn’t know this and it created a huge mess. Also be aware that there is a list of psych medications banned for usage by missionaries that is only available to employees of LDS Family Services. This is something your Bishop and Stake President will not have access to. I don’t know why they keep it secret but they do.
Good luck.
Thank you, jch, for your insights from real experience. It means a lot, and I appreciate your input.
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