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My son is 11 and will be eligible, age-wise for the Aaronic Priesthood in about a year. This has prompted me to reflect on my hopes for him. I have a few questions:
1. Is it appropriate to have spiritual hopes for one’s children? Meaning, a desired level of activity or at least, some kind of spiritual orientation? I think so, but I would like to see what others think, realizing that ultimately, you have to love your children for who they become and what they decide to do with their life.
2. I am no longer a TBM priesthood holder. I have no desire to do missionary work, serve in callings, or be part of the church culture. I can’t teach a class anymore either due to my divergent ideas. I have no desire to do home teaching. What kind of spiritual hopes might I have for my own son when I do not do these things myself, and frankly, wouldn’t wish the life of a Mormon priesthood holder on most people who were not already exposed fully or already engaged with it?
3. When he comes of age, how should I react? I am thinking of doing nothing. My son does not want the priesthood, does not want to pass the sacrament. He was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes 5 years ago, prayed for healing, and it never came. I think this has jaundiced his view of God as someone who can help him, and created a perceition that the whole church ideology as something that is not relevant to him. He won’t talk about it, and what I ask him about what he learned at church, he won’t give an answer. I don’t see him wanting the priesthood. What spiritual hopes might a person have for their son given the forgoing?
My focus is that whatever happens – you are in his corner. What Roy said – with one caveat: My biggest hope for my children, spiritually, is that they can be loving people – that they can emulate Jesus and the type of life he lived. I hope they pursue that within the LDS Church, but who they become is more important to me than anything else.
Your son will be influenced more by what you DO than anything you say. Teenage sons don’t often seem to be listening to lectures from their fathers, but they do tend to follow their actions and take on their character. My advice: find something your son loves and do it with him. Don’t just sit back and take a mellow attitude about church, but find something else to which you and your son can be dedicated together. Full LDS church activity tends to completely fill up our lives and if you are not that active then there is more room in your life. You will fill that room in any way you chose. Doing activities with your children is among the greatest of ways to do it
The best thing I did with my now 21 year old son was non-LDS scouting. I loved sports and my son has an athletic body (74 inches, about 190 lbs of hard muscle; strong as an ox and runs a 5K in ~16 minutes) but he is not the least bit interested in sports. He had little talent in music, remodeling the house, or fixing old cars, or several other family activities. However, we discovered he loves the outdoors; camping, hiking, etc. So to scouting we devoted ourselves. I probably slept in a tent for over 200 nights, hiked or paddled with him about 900-1000 miles and was there for maybe a third of the 300+ hours of service he did one year to earn the Presidential Volunteer Service gold award. For a couple of years doing merit badges was a father and son weekend activity although he earned about half of his ~80 merit badges without my involvement. He did his eagle project with minimal parental involvement (as it should be) which required a year of steady effort and his 70 page write-up has been likened to a PhD dissertation.
The very best leadership training my son will ever receive was working 1-on-1 on almost a daily basis for 6 months with an organizational genius (our scout master) as the 17 year old elected senior patrol leader governing about 80 scouts. This was preceded by years of other positions like patrol leader, quartermaster, etc. learning from other boys how to lead. My son was put in charge of 60 boys during the structured one week of summer camp. He was elected crew leader on 3 of the 7 high adventure expeditions with about a dozen people and 8-10 days of strenuous outdoor activity. Some of his fellow scouts struggled with and often overcame serious personal problems including drug abuse, attempted suicide, truancy, arson, parent’s divorce, vandalism, witnessing a scout’s father die suddenly of a heart attack or a scout’s mother die slowly of breast cancer, typical academic and girl problems, etc. We are definitely a wild, slightly crazy, boy-led troop by any definition and allow for probably too much chaos. Today, due to the method behind this madness, my son is a better man than I am. He has better basic leadership skills than any bishop I have ever had myself.
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My little brother has insulin-dependent diabetes and I was immersed in the reality of that condition; the twice daily insulin shots, testing (urine back then) and endless balancing of food and activity level. I believe with enough extra preparation, even a “brittle diabetic” (as my brother was described) could do everything I have mentioned above (although they would not have to go on the multi-day, away-from-medical-care activities if they felt it was too dangerous for them). Our scout master’s son has a congenital heart condition requiring a pacemaker and perpetual coumadin treatment and he required 2 more life-saving open heart surgeries as a scout after several during childhood. He was one of the most courageous boys I have ever met and he managed to go on most activities including one of the less physically demanding high adventures (Bahamas). To see the strong healthy boys (even the hoodlums) make it happen for him was almost miraculous.
It doesn’t have to be scouting, it could be any number of other activities that you and your son want to do together.
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Warning: You are probably not in a neutral position at church. Thinking of doing nothing is a bad plan that will frustrate you and others. At least 10 LDS men are called into the YM program in every ward, more if you have many youth. These are high-octane callings and they tend to be given to the most dedicated ward fireballs bent on proving themselves worthy for higher callings. Some of them will think they own your teenage children if you are not 100% in lock-step with their agenda and will defy usual boundaries. They will apply all kinds of pressure; gentle, devious, bribery, guilt-inducing, intense, etc., to get your son immersed in church programs, including the too often lame and cheating LDS scout program (every boy a 14 year old eagle my ass), the YM program, yearly EFY and treks, early morning seminary, and then full time missionary service. The LDS church is committed to this path of building a strong core of orthodox members.
Give your son real options. Temple trip or scout canoe trip, for example. Find a structured framework for him to learn to think for himself and make his own choices by giving him many options and support him even if he selects the temple trip you might not like.
My son also chose early morning seminary and got himself up every day at 5:30 am (excellent woman teacher) but not week-night YM activities (boring). He went camping with the inept LDS lads when he could but refused to accept any recognition from them, including taking down the plaque on the wall in the ward house honoring his eagle award. He was too busy every summer for EFY. He selected a top technical and science institute close to home and not BYU. He submitted his digital application for a mission on his own without parental encouragement but got into a power struggle with his single’s ward bishop over the timing of a haircut. Then he actually went on splits with the local missionaries and I think that is when he realized an LDS mission might be great for many people but was not for him.
At that point he was a man, not a boy to be pushed around. There was nothing I or anyone else could say or do to sway him from his course. (Many have tried; are still after him). He attends the LDS church meetings on Sunday, takes an institute class some semesters and is deeply but privately religious on his own terms. He graduates from college this spring with a degree in Physics and Mathematics after only 3 years of intense study (that would make a mission look like a vacation), aced the GRE and has the best graduate schools interested in him. A member of our ward and a top engineer-manager of a large company got into an intense discussion with him at a wedding reception (on a topic of research in which my son has published one paper) and offered him a job earning over $100,000 a year. My son was not impressed; it was not the first such offer, just the one I overheard.
His friends from the ward of the same age will return from their missions this summer, still boys really, all fired up with religious zeal, facing at least 3 years of college (maybe more to catch up), unprepared currently for any decent employment; while my son could earn a fine living right now and begins work on a PhD in Physics at a top university. My son’s maturity, character, and dedication are beyond what I ever would have anticipated only a few years ago. He has exceeded my expectations in every way. Our mutual commitment to genuine scouting was a huge part of it.
Dream big for you son, live large and forge a way for him to make it happen.
Of course it’s appropriate to have spiritual hopes for your children! You have career hopes for your children, health hopes for your children, it only makes sense that you should have spiritual hopes for them, too. You always love your children, sure, but that doesn’t mean you always approve of their choices. You should do your best to teach your children right from wrong. I think when your son becomes 12, you should encourage him to get the Aaronnic Preisthood conferred upon him and to be ordained to the office of a deacon. Then he’ll fit in with the other kids. You can’t really get through church as a young man without getting the priesthood. How would he feel if all the other boys his age were passing the sacrament, and he never could? That would make him the black sheep of the quorum. If he doesn’t really want the priesthood, well… gosh… I don’t know buddy. Maybe you could ask him if he wants to keep participating in church. If he does, then say that getting the priesthood is just part of what you do when you participate in the Church.
But yes, you are in a tough position because you’re not really modeling priesthood behavior yourself. So, in essence, you’re kind of saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” so I guess one option is you could come back into more full activity, for the sake of your son.
Thanks — I see from Mike in Georgia’s post above that your children can forge their own path in the church as they listen to their own instincts and internal clock. I always encourage that. Regarding the last comment from TM — the advice doesn’t sit very well with me. It implies that I want him to have the priesthood and be active and orthodox, without modeling that behavior myself — and am therefore doing the old “do what I say and not what I do”. That is not the case, I’m trying to figure out exactly how to to help him navigate through the teenage years in the church being a Mormon is here to stay, reluctantly, in our family life. And the answer to my conundrum is far more complicated than simply going back to the traditional life of an LDS man and then engaging my son with the program in the traditional way.
I really really appreciate Mike of Georgia approach. It takes heart and courage to go with this.
Anyways thanks for posting that Mike. It gave me a much needed positive uplift to read it and brought back some good memories. Thanks!
Mike in Georgia wrote:Dream big for you son, live large and forge a way for him to make it happen.
Thanks, Mike in Georgia – Lots for me to think about in your post.
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