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I was married in the temple not too long ago, and my wife was a recent convert and never really assimilated in the church like I was. She’s been doubting for a long time. She no longer wears her garments but still comes to church with me and even holds a calling. I think she does it mainly because she knows its important to me. When she stopped wearing her garments I threw a big fit about it. It was wrong to react this way, period. But it was even more silly of me considering I was and have been having my own doubts. I ask myself why, and the only answer I can come up with is that I still want the church to be what it claims to be. I still see the beauty in the story. I still have this image of being a happy Mormon family in my mind. I still have visions of one day having FHE every Monday, calling a babysitter so we can go to the temple together, and just sailing off into the sunset of eternal bliss together. I really want that.
I guess I’ve been hoping to repair my faith and work through these doubts, and I felt that my wife’s doubts were just another obstacle thrown in my face keeping me from making that ideal a reality. On top of all that I haven’t even communicated any of my doubts to her. I think I’m trying to maintain the role of the worthy priesthood holder and example of faith in the house. I’ve been sort of spiritually passive aggressive and it doesn’t seem to be helping either of us nourish what faith we have.
I haven’t made any real decisions yet, on how active I want to be if at all, or what to say to my wife. It’s kind of a funny situation because I’m not worried that she wouldn’t support me, to the contrary, she might be thrilled to be free of it all. That’s what scares me I guess, maybe I’m just not ready to leave it all behind yet.
I can appreciate your honesty, even if this is an anonymous board, because you are being honest with yourself about how poorly you have reacted to her decisions and thoughts. This is a supportive place that others can listen, share your grief, and help you to know you are human like the rest of us. And maybe you can glean some perspective from others’ experiences that may be similar to your own. I am probably like most on this board and feel hesitancy to respond to your post in any other way–you know your situation better than anyone. We are all facing similar challenges and sometimes it just helps to express what we are going through. It has helped me.
I can understand your doubts about what to do. And not wanting to do the wrong thing. You aren’t asking for advice and I’m not giving it (really)…but I do want to say that I’m sure any wife would appreciate knowing that you are sorry for how you had reacted in the past, that you love her, and that you support her no matter what.
I wish you the best and comfort.
Welcome, unknown. There is a way to do it so you don’t give up all the good things you like about the church, and yet, allow yourself to doubt and to be OK that your eternal wife has her own testimony.
Passive aggressive behavior is common in a church that requires so much commitment and loyalty and obedience. But it does not necessarily mean that is the right way to be. As you grow and mature, you can learn more effective ways to communicate openly to your wife, without fears guiding you, but also not throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
Quote:keeping me from making that ideal a reality.
Part of maturing in life is realizing the ideal may never come to us, and how we fit what we want in our heads with what is realistic in this imperfect world.
Have you apologized to your wife?
I appreciate your openness. I, too, struggled with wanting the church to be what it said it was, or at least what I believe it said it was and should be, for a long, long time. I have realized that the church is not what I thought it was, and while I’m not sure what it really is, I’m past that now. To put it bluntly, I don’t believe I can reconcile the two and it doesn’t sound like you will be able to, either. Let it go. My advice in talking to your wife is take it slow and emphasize what you do believe. Your wife’s doubts are not an obstacle for you – it doesn’t work that way. Your doubts aren’t, either. If you didn’t hear Pres. Uchtdorf’s Saturday morning session talk, look it up and listen to and/or read it. There’s stuff in there for you. Your faith is repairable but your new faith is not going to be the same as your old faith.
Heber13 wrote:Have you apologized to your wife?
Yes, I have. And my plan for moving forward is just to support her in whatever she chooses to believe (or not believe) and work out things on my end.
DarkJedi wrote:Your faith is repairable but your new faith is not going to be the same as your old faith.
:thumbup: Great advice already, so I will add only one thing: I had a church leader once who stressed in a conversation with the youth that one way to be more Christ-like that almost never gets addressed is to learn to avoid passive-aggressive behavior. I thought that was profound at the time and think about it occasionally when I’m in a position to share it.
DarkJedi wrote:Your faith is repairable but your new faith is not going to be the same as your old faith.
I have been finding this to be true. I have begun to look at almost everything in a symbolic sense and remaining open to the notion of some of maybe being literal, but not counting on it. The symbolic exploration has been fun and allowed me to find more similarities than differences with other religions and belief systems, I’m tending to lean more towards a universalist mindset who loves and appreciates “the faith of our fathers”.
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