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Wife beating gets a lot of coverage, but it’s not all one way. The other day I got an insight into the other kind of spousal abuse, violence by wives to their husbands.
A friend of a friend who is a member had this problem. He’s a big guy, something of a teddy bear… good natured but uncomplicated. He’s going for a divorce in the summer… poor guy, he used to be terrified to go home, and would stay out late. His wife hit him and punched him, and threw pots and pans at him. She now writes nasty things about him on Facebook.
Now this isn’t supposed to happen. It’s a temple marriage and most men don’t talk about this issue. Add to that the sexist guff we get in the church about men presiding etc, and there’s a further problem.
I find wife beating deplorable, but hitting your husband is as bad. The only problem is it’s taboo to talk about it, even treated as a joke.
Yeah, our society and culture is really screwed up in ways – both inside and outside the Church. Good topic, but let’s keep this thread focused on coping and dealing, please.
I’ve kept the title open to both genders, but I do wish the church would address this issue. Wife beating, rightly, is often exposed now, but the male equivalent is still surrounded with stigma. A big guy like X can’t be beaten up and intimidated by his smaller wife can he? Thankfully in X’s case there are no children. I think TM hides the problem. Occasionally it can be resolved, particularly if substance abuse is involved. (Remove drink/drugs and you have the solution) But I doubt if most other cases can. And police before bishop? Or marriage counselors?
“TM” = temple marriage? Not sure that’s what you mean. Absolutely, cops before Bishop, in cases of illegal abuse. (I say that carefully, because “abuse” is a very broad term, and some kinds aren’t criminal in nature – even as they are immoral and wrong.)
Crimes always should be reported to the legal authorities before being mentioned to a Bishop. Sometimes, I know spouses aren’t willing to do that, but if something crosses legal lines and is, in fact, criminal behavior, it’s beyond the scope of a Bishop’s responsibility.
I’ve dealt with numerous cases of domestic violence in my professional capacity, and as you’ve noted SamBee, while the majority are male-on-female there are certainly a substantial number that are female-on-male. In the context in which I’ve dealt with them, there has been an apparent difference between how the two were handled. In the case of a male attacker, he is usually removed from the home for the protection of the victim. In the case of a female attacker, it’s again the man who is removed from the home for his own protection. A subtle distinction, but one that reflects the point you’re making, I think. Spiritually, abuse is awful. I’ve only had to deal with two cases ecclesiastically, and it’s damn hard to know how to handle it. There are so many possible avenues of addressing the issues: police, protective services, counseling (anger management, substance abuse, marriage, etc.), physical separation. It seems to be that there are a large number of reasons that a person (man or woman) abuses a spouse or child, so there’s not a good one-size-fits-all solution to this, I’m afraid.
I’m not a counsellor or a social worker – most of my experience in this field has been trying to get abusers convicted or acquitted. This is just my two cents.
Good responses (yes Ray on TM) I was in a position years ago where my neighbors had big (drink fueled) fights. On a couple of occasions I considered calling the police; however name calling is not a huge offense (although hurtful), whereas violence is. They’ve moved away but I could not look through the wall, only hear the shouting. I suspected… but…. certainly objects were thrown.
I have come across cases where abusers reform, but I doubt they’re the norm. As I say, usually these involve removing drink etc from the equation.
Certainly these raise issues around EM/TM. My own take is that an EM can be retracted at any time. God will not trap the incompatible for eternity.
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