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Hello all. I have been posting on and off at NOM until I decided to join this forum. Since then, I have lurked for a bit, but today, I have finally figured it would be appropriate to start here. Today is a good day start writing about it all, since it is the third Sunday of the new year, also the third Sunday I have missed Sunday School and Relief Society. And I do plan to skip Sunday school and RS today too.
First off a little bit about me. If you know me from NOM, I hope you bear with me since this is just repeating what I had written in my intro there. I am a disaffected YSA; convert to the church during college; majored in mathematics and physics. There were many glimmers of doubts and questions I had about aspects of the church since the political seasons in 2008, especially during a tithing settlement where my bishop did a litmus test of my spirituality by asking me to pray in his office, bear my testimony, and lectured me on the important on following the prophet with regard to being supportive of voting for Prop 102 in Arizona (similar to California’s Prop
. However, my testimony completely avalanched from a key event last year in October during a missionary discussion and a during F&T meeting where a member of the church bore a testimony against the validity of evolution as scientific fact, claimed that evolution factually stated humans evolved from monkeys (cringe) being against doctrines of church, and in the testimony specifically mentioned me (referred to as “member of church” instead of my name) and used her authority as the ward missionary to request amends in planned lessons in Sunday School (Gospel Principles/Gospel Doctrines/Mission Prep/etc), Relief Society, and Priesthood to a themed topic, “Heavenly Family.” F&T Sunday since then became my least favorite Sunday, and I was contemplating and planning my way out of the church until I found the essay from StayLDS.com and I found the NOM forum, which had kept me sane and in the church the past three months.
During this period, I took the initiative to research to validate my believes in what the church truly stands for as far as evolution goes, and also to validate the “myths” I heard rumored about the church from polygamy, Book of Abraham, Seer Stones, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, First Vision, … the standard classics. Not only I was initially offended by a member of the church, I had also felt betrayed by a number of things to find out petty things as the in South Park episode where Joseph Smith sticking his head in a hat was from a credible source. My relationship with the church has been pretty heartbreaking and of fluctuating degree of spirituality the past 3 months or so.
Anyway, here’s the new year, I have been living out of Mormonbelt and out of America for a little over a week now, thinking my disaffection will all go away at a new place/new start, but it is not going away. I think I am still hurt by everything that had happened, but just not recognizing it. At this time, I am finding myself desperately hoping that everything I once knew to be true be true again, but it isn’t that simple anymore. Yet at the same time I am once again contemplating about leaving the church again for another church which I also have some romanticized ideals about. But I am just hanging in there right now, thinking I would give this church a real chance this year, and put my membership of the church at the dictates of my own terms.
So, that’s me. Sorry, I tend to get pretty long-winded at writing things especially these days where I completely feel that I have this huge secret that I cannot talk about in real life. The internet has been really good to me at keeping me in check of my sanity. I have met some wonderful people over at NOM. Looking forward to meet you all here at StayLDS!
Hi Snowlepoard, Welcome to StayLDS and thanks for sharing your story here. Your story is obviously familiar, both from the perspective of our online communities, and just as a human experience in the Church we have all dealt with on some level.
snowleopard wrote:At this time, I am finding myself desperately hoping that everything I once knew to be true be true again, but it isn’t that simple anymore. Yet at the same time I am once again contemplating about leaving the church again for another church which I also have some romanticized ideals about. But I am just hanging in there right now, thinking I would give this church a real chance this year, and put my membership of the church at the dictates of my own terms.
This part really spoke to me. It isn’t that simple anymore. What was once a black and white picture is now so vivid in shades of grey and hues of color. It’s complex. It’s rich and deep. Then there’s the two-edged sword of the detail. Having such a sharp picture makes it so that we see the warts, the wrinkles and the cracks in additional to potentially beautiful new features.
No matter which way you go in the end (stay, leave, leave for another, etc.), you will not have true peace until you process your Church experience (your past) in a peaceful way. It’s been a huge part of your life. We can’t just chop that much out psychologically without a gaping hole and pain. I think it’s possible to re-purpose Mormonism to fit our needs. That’s part of taking on our own terms. That’s why the site is here, to explore that option. But even if your participation only helps you leave on your own terms and be happy about it, I support that too.
snowleopard wrote:I have been living out of Mormonbelt and out of America for a little over a week now, thinking my disaffection will all go away at a new place/new start, but it is not going away.
I would imagine that as a good Mormon your entire eternal focus since joining the church has been defined by the LDS religion as you understood it. And something that deep doesn’t just go away, does it? It has to be reworked.
Thanks for sharing your story, and welcome. From your intro, where you are at and where you are going (still trying to understand things and what you believe is right)…I will offer some encouragement that I think you are on a path of finding great meaning in your life. I think that is what this is about, and why a loving Heavenly Father allows things to happen in this mortal experience…we have opportunities to learn things, despite what others say in F&T meeting (or as I like to refer to the meeting: “Starving Storytelling Time”). There is something deeper you can come to understand by seeking out those things that don’t feel right within you…pursue those with an open mind and open heart. It may take time, but I believe the journey is well worth it and helps lead to defining who you are as a person, and what your unique faith is…and I think that is what God wants us to experience while we’re here. Glad you are joining the group and sharing your thoughts.
Quote:At this time, I am finding myself desperately hoping that everything I once knew to be true be true again, but it isn’t that simple anymore.
This is pretty much how its been for me this last while. There are many of the tenents of the gospel that feel very true to me. Over the course of the last two years my goal has been to look at all of it and only keep what feels (thru spirit) true to me. I don’t struggle as much with the history though I have had my moments. And now after all this time and profound struggle within myself, I feel like your words said it best. It’s just not that simple anymore. But then again, maybe it never was suppose to be.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find what you need here. And I am interested to hear about this next year and your experiences as you give it one last go.
Poppy
Poppyseed wrote:I don’t struggle as much with the history though I have had my moments. And now after all this time and profound struggle within myself, I feel like your words said it best. It’s just not that simple anymore. But then again, maybe it never was suppose to be.
I like this Poppyseed. I don’t think it was supposed to be easy…because faith is supposed to be part of it for us all.Heber13 wrote:Poppyseed wrote:I don’t struggle as much with the history though I have had my moments. And now after all this time and profound struggle within myself, I feel like your words said it best. It’s just not that simple anymore. But then again, maybe it never was suppose to be.
I like this Poppyseed. I don’t think it was supposed to be easy…because faith is supposed to be part of it for us all.Yeah. Faith. Boy, faith is a crazy thing.
The other day I read a quote by Neal A. Maxwell where he called earth life “the murky middle.” Gosh! It sure is!
Welcome! We understand the struggle, glad you found us! Welcome, snowleopard! Hope you can find some of things you’re looking for as you pass through this time of your life that is so scary and beautiful.
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