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Don’t know what the problem is…I had a reasonably good day at Church the other day, but I no longer feel engaged in the whole service aspect of it. My home teaching family asked me to give a blessing, which I will do, and there were other opportunities for service, but I have little or no interest in that stuff anymore. It bothers me a bit, as I used to be on fire about service. And I realize its important. I feel more interested in just keeping my family together and happy, my work, and my little side hobby. I think it’s this belief I’ve developed that the Church is so egocentric in its demands and with how little it seems to give back to the members. I also lost a significant amount of pride in our organization (something I used to be very proud of for a long time in the Church). This has jaundiced even person-to-person service in all aspects of my life, as I grew to associate service to others as service in the Church. They can be independent. I was giving free music lessons to a girl, but her mother stopped bringing her for some reason, without ever really cancelling. She said it was pressures in her own life, and her daughter said she didn’t know why it stopped. Lasted about a year. I was getting a little tired of it anyway since they would not show up and not even call me about 20% of the time…meanwhile I’d booked off the time and left myself open for them.
Any way, thought I’d open mself up to thoughts on this. How do you get the fire of service back into your life again after you’ve lost it due to feeling kind of used in the Church?
You ask an interesting question, SD. In my self-reflections, I was humbled to realize that many times service in callings or service to others was a way to validate to myself my commitment, and to feel appreciated by others. I think I hold love in my heart to really want to help others, but sometimes the busy-ness of stuff pulled at me and my intentions were not always pure. As I was recognized for my actions and contributions, that was my reward and I had to keep doing it to keep feeling good about myself, because it was a fleeting reward. As I have been able to let go of the need for recognition or validation from others in the ward, the service I give now is less frequent but I think it is more sincere. I don’t do things because of a calling, I do it because I want to help.
When I feel I am missing something in my life, or too self-absorbed with me or my family, I seek out opportunities to help (volunteer to usher, or setup chairs, or whatever). So I pay attention to those nagging feelings inside me, because I think they are telling me something. But I enjoy serving others when I can, when my heart knows it is a priority, and feel peace that I am not doing it out of obligation.
But I think it takes some getting used to and adjusting when my prior service kept me so busy I didn’t think about it as deeply. But now I feel I am less stressed about it and more at peace.
SD, I struggle with many of the same concerns as you. But I also know, as Heber13 pointed out, that services is a necessary and wonderful way to keep from getting too self-absorbed. I think the issue for many of us in our situations, is that when you are ASSIGNED to do service, it is less fulfilling. I know that, for me, I feel like if I live to be 150, and don’t donate any more time or money to the Church, I will still be ahead of what most people in the world do. But that’s kind of unfair. I mean, people still need help.
Perhaps you could look for a specific calling where you can help, and just volunteer. Working with youth is a two-edged sword, because you work hard and sometimes your efforts go without any acknowledgement, but at the same time, there is opportunity for a lot of good. Maybe you could look for freelance opportunities… find somebody who isn’t expecting or asking for help. Find someone whose spouse is in Afghanistan and look for ways to help. Find an elderly person that is a widow/widower and do something nice for them. I used to know a woman that had lost her first husband in WWII. She’s gone now, but you and I could never have done enough kind things for her. The cynical side of me recognizes that many people in our society are free loaders and always have their hand out. But the reality is that most people never ask for help, and yet everyone could use a hand now and then. It’s very satisfying to provide un-requested assistance.
Service doesn’t have to be just in the church, as I’m sure you know. For instance, I’m sure there’s an after-school program somewhere in your area that would love to have you share your musical abilities. It takes a little more work to find them, but the opportunities are out there. Finding something that you really enjoy worked with the previous lessons. Look for service anywhere that is meaningful to you – and, if possible, look for a way to serve those who aren’t going to be served by most people. SilentDawning wrote:Any way, thought I’d open mself up to thoughts on this. How do you get the fire of service back into your life again after you’ve lost it due to feeling kind of used in the Church?
Two suggestions:
1. Maybe you shouldn’t get that particular fire back. It seemed like it stopped working for you a while ago. You might need a different kind of “fire” for service, channeled in a different way. Like others said — look in new places, for different types of service, especially among people you wouldn’t normally have thought of in the past. If the old ways no longer work, that’s a message to us I think. You could call it The Spirit trying to speak to us, trying to lead us to something new.
2. If unresolved feelings about past experience in the Church is blocking you, it seems like there are two options (and perhaps pursue both at the same time). Like others already said: search outside the Church organization maybe to get the taste back for it. Also, it will be healthy IMO to continue working on forgiving the Church, or coming to terms with the bad past experiences in some way, and working that into a positive new story moving forward.
Forgiveness is often much more about
USthan the people who harmed us. Perhaps the Church doesn’t even deserve forgiveness. But youdeserve it! (the act of letting it go, over time). Just wanted to say thanks for these responses above. All relevant, and I’ve come back and read them a few times since you posted them. Thanks. Also, I don’t feel the angst that brought me here in 2009 anymore. I am not the same; I dont’ hold “The Church” in the same regard as I once did (I don’t mean that in a mean way — I mean it’s just not the same pristine, do-no-wrong organization I once believed in, more of a temporal organization which still have something spiritual to it, and which no longer has claim on all my free time).
By putting it in its place in my life (so to speak) and distancing myself from the angst-producing aspects, while following my own clock on key issues, I feel at peace with what happened now. Honestly. In some ways, it’s a bit of a relief as I feel that my life truly is my own to contribute and serve as my heart and conscience dictates.
As I’ve filled my life with other things, and as the local priesthood leaders have largely left me alone, I feel a sense of freedom to live my life as I see fit. The only thing i have to be careful with is my wife and family that I don’t jeopardize my role as husband and potentially father. There is some balancing going on, but I see it as the cost of keeping my family together. The benefits outweigh the costs.
And I’m still an active member of the Church, leaving myself open to greater opportunities for service — but only when I feel ready to do that and to some extent on terms that don’t throw my life out of balance again.
Also, I’m sort of thankful that the priesthood leaders who neglected my pleas for a timely release years ago did that. It opened my eyes about the gap between what I felt the Church claims about itself, and what it really is. And my life feels better and happier as a result.
My experiences with two blessings recently, one official, and one unofficial. http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=3089&p=38535&hilit=blessing#p38535
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