- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
I am bringing this up based on my limited personal experiences helping people with their crisis in the Church. I had a good long talk with one of my sisters this summer while we were at a family reunion/vacation together. She and her husband just started down this road. I’m her older brother, and she knows about the situation of my wife’s disaffection. Her husband is really disaffected now too. Anway, I could tell the immense sense of relief from her when I looked her in the eyes several times and told her she was not wicked or crazy for thinking the things she did about Joseph Smith and polygamy (her big issue), and a few other topics. I explained that there is a range of possiblities, some on one extreme and some on the other. The real truth is usually somewhere in between. A real possibility though is that Joseph Smith lied about it all to get women. That is possible. Everyone that studies it out has to come to their own conclusion, and decide how that will effect their faith and decision to stay in the Church. While very blunt, it seemed to help empower her to find her own way. I added afterward that I had doubts sometimes, but I decided that I could stay in the Church. I talked about some of my own reconciliations and ideas, but left it that it was my own individual way of deciding how to deal with it.
It really seemed helpful to talk staight to her. She appreciated having someone to be completely honest with, including the ability to talk about the “worst-case” possibilities without being judged.
Can we tell people “look, you might decide the the Church isn’t for you and that can be an answer you get from GOD? That might even be God’s will for you.”
Can we tell people “Yes, that did happen. One very real possibility is that [fill in the worst case scenario] is correct. You have to decide that.”
That is the type of stuff that will bring heat on us. I also think at times it is exactly what someone needs to hear to set them on the right course. They need to be free to choose. That freedom clears their mind.
Or is this just too “out there” and dangerous?
Thoughts?
Brian, That’s the approach that I needed as a teenager, and got, from Jeff Burton. It helped me get through my mission!
We are certainly free to say that as part of the initial framing conversations with people, because it’s true. It’s also likely that this approach, for many of us, will feel the most liberating, which is the feeling those going through crises need after feeling constricted and constrained.
The best example of this in conversations I have had were about the priesthood ban. When I say that I think it was not God’s will but rather the result of apostate racism that the early members (Brigham Young and others) simply couldn’t let go (the incorrect traditions of their fathers), I initially get some really surprised looks (given my reputation and others’ assumptions about my beliefs), but when I add, “This is only my opinion, and it doesn’t affect in the slightest my acceptance of our early prophets as real prophets,” it opens the door for all kinds of necessary, more fundamental discussions. I’ve found that most issues that blindside most members aren’t root issues; rather, they are manifestations of root issues – in the priesthood ban case, prophetic infallibility and God’s willingness to patiently wait for His people to see more of the big picture.
I believe in honest and open conversation about anything – and in making sure people realized that I think see through our glass much more darkly than we want to believe. Therefore, I am willing to people a lot of slack on a lot of things – hoping they will reciprocate.
It’s important to do two things in couching this type of presentation: 1. That we also acknowledge the positive extreme. It is possible that things happened exactly the way God wanted them to happen. I don’t know why, but that is just as possible as the polar opposite and negative extreme. BEHOLD! the rainbow. It’s not black and white. That’s ok!
2. To emphasize that our own current reconciliation is not the absolute truth either. I don’t have the answer for everyone else. I am not making up new Church doctrine, and I am not an Apostle. We can not trade them their old absolute for a new absolute that will fail them. It has to now become *their own* answer. My current answers that keep me in the Church are subject to change at any time. I hope they do. I expect them to change, since that is how I got to where I am now — through change. Ask me the same question next week and I might have a different answer
I agree with you Brian (and the other comments here). The only thing I would add, is when saying something like: “look, you might decide the the Church isn’t for you and that can be an answer you get from GOD? That might even be God’s will for you”I would personally also encourage them to avoid jumping to any conclusions while they are in the state of flux that is the crisis. I would encourage them to take it easy while they ponder all the implications – to try to allow different possibilities to form in their minds without feeling the need to latch on to one right away as a source of identity (and begin to mentally exclude others). The process is a disruption of self and I think this is exactly what makes mentoring helpful.
I also tend to think that an early outline or model is helpful, as in Fowler’s stages. For me, I found these ‘mentoring’ elements on NOM. Very early in my crisis I was told to “go slow”, “it’s only church”, and exposed briefly to Fowler. I was intrigued that in ‘stage 5’ people would actually reunite with their tradition. That was an entirely new thought to me that eventually became my desire. Early in the process I couldn’t imagine it – I thought it would be a simple and deluded caving-in to social pressures. So for me, and I imagine for many people, time is needed to let the dust settle. I also think people need to be allowed to go through the de-constructing process. If I’m standing on a ledge and I feel a loose rock, I’m going to start shifting and kicking to see what I can dislodge until I get down to something solid. I think it is a healthy process that is required before the rebuilding starts.
Contemplative, questioning people insticively know that the standard church answers don’t work — just pray harder and return to the fold. It’s so unsatisfying to hear we need to close our eyes and pretend we don’t see what we see. Like Bryan said, they have to know it’s ok to dig to the bottom. That’s the way out.
Our conversation with them is to let them know there is light at the bottom. I see glimpses of it. Hang in there and let things settle. You might lose faith in some things. That’s natural and normal. This is your responsibility now. I’m here if you want some advice. You are not alone, and you are not defective for asking these questions. That’s what people crave to hear.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.