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I’ve been trying to change lately and become more involved, but it’s tough. I have spent the past 10 years essentially trying to be as minimally involved with the church as possible while still honoring the commitment I made to my wife to always attend church. So I attended sacrament meeting and helped with the kids, but I don’t think I’ve heard an entire sacrament meeting talk in the past 8 years due to all the kid chaos (5 kids under 8 years old). I spent a lot of time in the nursery with our troublesome toddlers or in the hall with our fussy babies, and sat next to my wife in Sunday school when there was no other excuse. I hadn’t been to elder’s quorum for probably 7 years. I’ve turned down every calling, every request to pray or help with the sacrament. I’ve gone to ward activities only occasionally, when I knew my wife would need help with the kids. I haven’t paid tithing or taken the sacrament in 10 years. I have essentially been inactive for 10 years (funny how hard that is to say; I know how I always used to think of “the inactives” back in the day). The few ways I have participated have been merely going through the motions, with no mental, emotional, or spiritual engagement at all.
Now, thanks to this site, I suddenly find myself with a glimmer of hope. Regardless of my spiritual convictions, or lack thereof, I see a way to be a part of the community of members again while still remaining true to myself. I see a way to honor my promise to my wife more fully and without resentment—and even looking forward to it. But it’s really hard trying to re-engage in conversations, classes, and social structures that I haven’t cared about for an entire decade.
I’m trying to start with small goals. I attended elder’s quorum, voluntarily, for the first time in years. I made a comment in class. Twice. I accepted a minor calling (more of a service request framed as a calling).
One of my challenges is that, as an introvert, conversations can be stressful at times, even without the added burden of worrying that I’ll say something to make myself an outcast. I do best when I feel comfortable with the subject matter and the people. I don’t think well on my feet, so it’s best if I go into social encounters prepared for how I’ll respond to various situations. With all the doctrinal and cultural things going on at church, and with how disengaged I’ve been for so long, it’s been tough for me to feel comfortable and be prepared for all the things that might come up.
What conversational strategies do you use to help you fit in with more orthodox members?
What are your tried and true methods for talking about doctrinal issues that could get you in trouble if you aren’t careful about it?
Hi, for the most part I do not get into conversations about doctrine with other TBMs. It’s a very fine line that I have not learned how to walk yet though things change. The one thing I do is try to bring the conversation back to Christ and his life if possible. That tends to be a very safe way to discuss most matters. Being an introvert is hard in the church, my husband struggles with that aspect immensely. Good luck. Daeruin wrote:
What conversational strategies do you use to help you fit in with more orthodox members?What are your tried and true methods for talking about doctrinal issues that could get you in trouble if you aren’t careful about it?
First, I can REALLY relate to what you say — essentially, you’ve experienced “presenteeism” — being there without actually having your mind there. My strategies for fitting in are:
a) i talk to only a few people who I know have a genuine interest in talking to me. There are only two people in the Ward, both in my age group roughly. One approaches me now and then, and I’m always very encouraging of the conversation. The other is the same. So, I try really hard to be friends with them when they initiate conversation.
I also ask them questions about themselves to find out what kinds of conversational items they might find interesting. One fellow has a weight problem like myself, so I talk about that with him (he is OK with it, and engages with it). The other is in court a lot in his job and we talk about strategies in the courtroom. One of them likes music and jazz, so bring up something about that. There are also generic questions you can ask most people, unless there is something obvious that indicates you shouldn’t ask them:
a) Any vacation plans this year? This could lead to common interests.
b) How do you like living in this part of [insert state here]>?
c) How are things in the [insert work industry here] industry?
d) What do you think of the Russions annexing Crimea? (only if they seem to have in international or intellectual bend will I ask that. Its far enough away from local politics not to be a non-starter).
e) My daughter got her YW medallion recently…was she ever happy. [this puts me on TBM ground). You can share church successes you actually care about it…
I also have a number of projects running all the time, and I try to pick the brains of people who might have knowledge that will help me. For example, I am always looking for places to perform jazz, so in our new Ward, which is out of town, I might ask if they know of any good restaurants that are upscale and moderately busy.
Doctrinal ConversationI stay away from it. It’s easy at social events. But if it comes up, I ask questions or empathize, and try to get onto a different subject.
Hail to introverts, by the way. I got nailed for being one the other day by my boss. at 50 years of age or so, I wasn’t impressed as I know who I am, and believe introversion is just as good as extroversion. But that’s another story!
My husband and I have struggled with this too, and we have found one thing that works very very well: Service. not the accepting callings kind of service, but the helping out others kind. I’m going to give some examples, not to toot my own horn but to illustrate:
-we took the missionaries out to dinner on the harbor and to some special historic sites they otherwise would not have seen around Christmas. we had a great time spending the day with them, they Loved us for it, and now advocate for how good we are despite our “issues”
-we have a couple in the ward who both have overwhelming callings. on a whim, i called and asked if we could watch their young children so that they could get in a needed date. again, everyone wins.
-they are always looking for people to clean the building, so we sign up several times when it is our month. it helps us get to know others, we don’t look like disengaged freeloaders, and it shows our kids the importance of contributing.
-be willing to substitue! when they ask for volunteers in (cringe) nursery, say, “sure as long as i get to eat the snacks too!”
-also, once people get to know you, they can find out about what else you do outside of church to lend a hand to others. they begin to realize you aren’t a hopeless inactive, but Christlike, and it helps breakdown the misconceptions that go along with being “inactive”
it takes energy to look around and see who needs help in the ward. i’ve learned to look especially to the leadership. they are often exhausted and need someone who cares to notice and do something unassigned to help. this does take time and energy, but it builds those friendships fast, and it forces members to think about who you are and not just outright judge you. it also helps you love them back in-spite of themselves- actually, i think that one works both ways.
Super great comments by Hippo. I could do more of that myself. I agree — Hippo’s ideas are “service on your own terms” which I think is great. Great replies. Thanks so much for the thoughts and suggestions. I’ve taken some permanent notes that I can look up without having to get online. I’ll work on these and let you guys know how it’s going.
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