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OK so I thought things would get better, but they really just seem to be getting worse and worse. I really have no where to turn, or that’s how I currently feel with life. Why? Because I’m not on a mission due to medical concerns and I’m 20 years old. But, I do not attend my local YSA ward. Simply because I really don’t see the point, and that ward is full of snotty people. I’m currently attending a community college, I was supposed to transfer to a University this fall; but I guess they wanted me to up my Grade Point Avg. a little bit. So that’s what I’m going to be doing this fall, at my community college. The good thing is that it’s very doable this coming semester because I just need to boost my GPA my at least .20 that’s less than 1/4 of a full GPA. But yeah. I really don’t have many friends. I have one, but she really doesn’t come off as the true friend to me. I just feel like I’ve been pulling the load in that friendship anyways. I’m just tired of seeing all these other people my age that seem like they have such perfect fairy tale like lives. I see all my peers getting engaged, getting full-time jobs and moving out of their parents house. I don’t have a job either. I did back last year, but got fired for no reason whatsoever. I told myself I’d like to find one this fall so I can stay busy along with school, so that’ll be interesting to see how that works. Also, the elaborate as to why I’m so hesitant to try the Singles ward. Mostly because the kids in that ward went to my high school and were those same kids in high school who ran the place and were very exclusive and I wouldn’t be too shocked if they’ve changed much. Secondly, I don’t see the point of taking interest in Mormon girls here right now. Because with at least my experience they’re just mostly very shallow and only want to date a guy if he comes from a rich background or his a return missionary. Believe it or not, that’s nearly a norm here where I’m from. (I’ve never had a girlfriend though) There’s this one girl that’s not LDS and doesn’t have LDS standards and I like her quite a bit. She actually just broke up with her boyfriend, but I’m not going to exploit that for my own gain, that’d be sick! If you haven’t taken a hint, I’m stuck in my hometown until this Spring. So yeah, I’m living at home.
I really honestly don’t know where to turn anymore. My testimony is hanging by a thread, heck I don’t even know if I have a testimony. It’s the goody goods who have driven me away from the church, and those hypocrites that are all over in my area. Like, I know a guy who just got home from a mission in my ward; and his homecoming talk he talked about how he’s so happy that he’s served the Lord and how much his faith has increased. Meanwhile, on Facebook the following weekend there’s pictures of him drinking beer with friends. It’s all like, really dude?
I don’t know. I guess it’s hard to be a normal Mormon who’s not a Republican and keeps to himself these days.
Sorry, I’m just frustrated and ranting. There’s really no leaders who even acknowledge I exist. Even in my family ward, I’ve had a calling teaching the 11-12 year olds. I’ve had it since Fall of 2012. I really honestly don’t see how I should even be teaching kids that age when I’m not even sure whether the church is even true or not.
It sounds like friendship is the root of the unhappiness you’re experiencing. There is a phrase from the Bible that says Jesus grew in favor with God, and man; in other words, he had a lot of friends. Gordon B Hinckley said the way Christ did it was through service. I had success with this at your age. There have to be outcasts in your home town, or nearby. They exist at YSA dances — the ones who sit alone, or are there but seem ininvolved, the people who seem social awkward, or unattractive, or not talented. Every community has them.
I would seek them out, and make friends with them. Be kind to them, do things to serve them and expect nothing in return. Try to make them feel comfortable in social settings, and introduce them to other people who are not bonding or who you know — including the non-member person who just lost her boyfriend. But don’t do it for the hopes of getting popular — do it for the sake of kindness. That’s important — your motive has to be pure.
I did that in my high school and ended then ended up winning all these popularity awards (Citizenship, Valedictorian, King of the Prom) I wasn’t seeking as a complete surprise. If your town is too small for this, then go to the next big town and make friends there — it means being proactive. I’m an introvert at heart, but I can go out of my way to talk to people if there is a goal in mind.
Try this — you’ll be surprised at what happens. But make a commitment to sustain it over multiple events. That’s my advice from when I was your age. In spite of being very short compared to other people, and a klutz at sports, and at one point in my YSA cycle, a lot older (it took me a while to get the money together for a mission), I was never without friends, except once when I moved to a new town and decided to distance myself from the church.
To feel socially isolated .. And feel as if life is passing you by is a horrible experience. It is easy to wonder why no one is reaching out to you. And yet, people don’t as a rule reach out to anyone unless that person is directly in their own path.
As a 20 year old, you need to be able to talk about common experiences with other people your age .. Amusement parks, beach trips, movies, etc. Find a way to get yourself out of the house and involved. Join a group through the community college. Attend the YSA activities. Do not expect anyone to befriend you — expect to work hard trying to get other people pulled into the group. Work hard to help other people find social success. Lose yourself in those attempts and in service.
You will develop as a person and as a group member through those efforts.
Change will not happen overnight. It will be slow, but change will happen. You want to look back in 5 years and see progress. Make it happen.
Please don’t take this negatively, since I believe it is a normal and natural question and I believe strongly in de-stigmatizing helpful possibilities: Have you gotten any professional counseling or diagnoses to see if you have any chemical / clinical issues that might be helped by counseling, therapy and/or medication? There are some things, as Elder Holland said recently, that cannot be overcome properly by faith and/or the sheer exercise of will power. I have no idea if that applied to you, but it’s one of the first things that came to mind when I read about your struggles.
Hey, I totally relate to your experience. For me it was happening in high school though. I think finding other groups to associate with would help you so you aren’t always stuck with those same mormon kids from high school. I often found it was easy to make friends from my college classes. Maybe you could start up a study group for one of your classes or something like that. Or take advantage of campus clubs or things that can help you find people with your same interests rather than always feeling like you are around people who are very different from you. I know outliers exist everywhere, because I found them at BYU of all places, so keep searching and I’m sure you’ll find some friends soon who you can get along with better. I think your age group is a very difficult life stage, so hang in there! Keep your focus on when you will get to move on to the other school away from home. Also, don’t begrudge the university for wanting you to raise your GPA. That is standard almost everywhere, and it is based on a sincere desire not to have students commit to and pay for a place where they won’t succeed and/or to make their own reported success numbers as good as possible. It’s just a part of life in our current education system. Hi Willb1993 – a late welcome to this forum from me. Sounds like you are getting some good advice from people here and I echo the views of those who have expressed themselves here. I would also add a few thoughts of my own as I was the quiet one in high school too and awkward in social settings (I still struggle with that one too and I am decades older than you). What I would add, based on my experience –
1. Blessings don’t fall out of the sky, like most leaders in the church will tell you. That simply hasn’t happened for me and I highly doubt it happens for others. They come from being proactive, taking some risks and doing some things that might make you feel uncomfortable all while doing your best to stay positive along the way.
When I was about your age, one of the risks I took that paid off in self esteem was joining an all mens baseball team in my stake. I’ve always struggled with sports but I decided to do it and stick to it. I played in the outfield and got hit in the same part of my head close to my eye twice (stitches both times). I slid into second the”wrong” way, and got scratched all up around my knee. But I finished the season and people got to know me. It was great, but sure hard to go back after the second round of stitches!
2. Realize that time passes much more slowly as a 20, but that it will go by anyway. As far as getting the GPA up, going to the community college over the next year is not that long. Just buckle down and give it your all. Seek help and put in the extra time on the classes you struggle with and you will look back and see the changes you yourself did – it will be a real confidence builder. But I warn you that it takes tremendous work.
3. Work on finding what YOU want. After I went on a mission, I was easily talked into taking some classes because it was something my brother-in-law was doing. Long story short – I ended up dropping the classes in the middle of the quarter. It just was not me and I was sad and frustrated at that point.
Hang in there. Counseling might help as well, but personally I would seek a counselor who respects the role of religion, but is not LDS. My daughter visited somebody like this in junior high and it really helped. It was a bonus to get a broader view from a non-LDS professional and she swears it helped her. My two cents… Good luck!
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