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Having a terrible week. Far worse than usual. Took some temporary meds and they aren’t helping. Essentially, I gained back a lot of weight, and went to counseling center. We agreed that I have been burning the candle at both ends for far too long. No room for self-maintenance to look after my health, keeping the house maintained, paying more attention to family, my Phd, a couple bands, and then, dedicating about 5 to 15 hours a week to a non-profit that was very fulfilling for a while. For years, the problems in my marriage I have coped with bylearning to be a jazz musician, and I’ve mastered that adequately to the point its not a thrill anymore to perform (I have actually been doing it too much lately, given our local popularity and my strategy of heiring salespeople to be my musicians, even if it means training them). Almost a chore ectually, to load up my stuff and then spend about 5 hours earning about $85 to $125 a performance It used to be fun and exhilerating but last week, it was a chore for some reason.
Church is no longer a source of fulfillment, but a pebble in my shoe as I’m tired of it. I take of after Sacrament and find a restaurant in which to read.
Anyway, I made it a new policy of mine — no new projects. This would allow me to focus on my family more. Unfortunately, they have been so used to my mental absence that when I get them together to talk about a family activity no one can agree on anything, so we end up retreating to our rooms as people lose interest in the negotiating/planning. At times, I have simply told everyone to pack their stuff and get in the car, I’ve picked a resort close by and they are going — like it not — and that helped. At least, my son and I do stuff there, while my wife and daughter just sit in the hotel room and watch TV.
And then, after satisfying myself the no new projects policy would help me reprioritize, I got an email that increased my weekly responsiblities by about 15-20 hours a week for the next month. Written by an awful manager during a period of downsizing. A geise of depression at this time I need to slow down — as JR Holland suggested in his talk on depression a while ago.
Can’t seem to shake the despondency about the utter lack of joy in my life right now. With church a dead end, and the non-profit work now taking more time than I can justify (and its getting a bit tedious, and I’m growing weary of the endless turnstile of uncommitted volunteers who make promises and then don’t deliver), I’m not sure where to turn for peace. Suggestions?
I’m sorry, my friend. It sounds like stuff is piling up on you deep right now. I’m not a huge fan of meds, and you said what you used hasn’t seemed to work, but have you talked to someone about something else? I don’t know exactly where you are spiritually these days, but I do understand how church isn’t doing it for you right now. What if the gospel do you believe? Is there any peace in reading scripture, or meditating, or praying? I also know you are a dedicated husband and father who loves and is loved by his family. Can you find peace with and from your loved ones? Peace. Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
SilentDawning wrote:Anyway, I made it a new policy of mine — no new projects. This would allow me to focus on my family more. Unfortunately, they have been so used to my mental absence that when I get them together to talk about a family activity no one can agree on anything, so we end up retreating to our rooms as people lose interest in the negotiating/planning. At times, I have simply told everyone to pack their stuff and get in the car, I’ve picked a resort close by and they are going — like it not —
and that helped. At least, my son and I do stuff there, while my wife and daughter just sit in the hotel room and watch TV. I’m sorry things are so hard right now. I’m just picking up on the one positive note I saw in your description. I know you can’t always whisk the family away, but I guess I’d say to pay attention to
anylittle thing that helps, and do it. And then do it again. That includes any little thing that helps youfeel better, too. Hopefully just writing it down helped a little. Bibliotherapy can be helpful. Hi SD. It appears you are suffering from burn out. At least what you describe is classic symptoms of burnout. Emotionally and medically it pays a heavy toll if you ignore it. I watched my father suffer from it as did I. Something of a trend I am trying to break as it is often encouraged. As my farther used to say… The reason they keep you so busy is so you don’t have time to get in trouble, think or trad about other things that might get you into trouble(in LDS views). As a TBM father it didn’t reflect a negative view, but at the Same time reflected a worn out man with no much in the plate given to him. Likewise I contained the trend and believe it came from LDS culture even when not engaged with it it still predominates a unconscious action. So going into other activities as substitutes won’t rectify the situation. The base problem conditioning will continue in what ever endeavor.
What I find helpful is spontaneity, communicating with what my body/mind/spirit needs in any given moment.
Getting family together as they get older is almost impossible in the teenage years(school, homework, jobs, after school activities, church , church activities, jobs, friendships and exploring self). Not enough time in the week to do even half if that. Anyways my abide is to slow down until you get meaning back in your life. Joy is elusive if you try to pursue it.
Meditation is so helpful, I’m bit talking classes, just sitting down and letting after thing go, slow down thought, the urgency to complete everything. Mix up the agenda, find a wife variety of things you enjoy to go with your energy level and time and physical/spiritual feeling of the day. It doesn’t have to be sensitive, just no nonsense approach to what you need.
Engage in what you enjoy as you can and try to find out, what if anything the family can do together that they enjoy(that is so tough to do). It could mean spending time doing things together but in different groups.
Anyways, don’t take my word, but find out for yourself what you need. Don’t ignore your body and spirit communicating to you that your on overload. Depression is bound to happen if you ignore the communication it is giving you.
I know you to be a smart, capable, and honorable man. I am sorry for your current difficulty. My kids are still small and clamoring for time with me. They will grow up too fast.
I don’t have any ideas but I care and wish you well.
Roy
Today I essentially said, “to heck with the world”, called my wife to have lunch and did whatever I feel like so far. Some of my work is being neglected but I can get caught up tomorrow by getting up early. Said no to an “unpaid promotion [I’d get a title and the honor of tons of extra hours of what I consider to be boring work, with no extra pay]. I also I knew the manager would be a toxic addition to my life and said “no’ to her offer. She’s an anti-Mormon, by the way.
I’m into three projects that have been dragging for the longest time, and I’m tired of them. I decided to pay a few hundred dollars to expedite one of the projects by making a donation to the organization. This’ll get us over a hurdle so I can declare victory and wrap up that project. Decided to invest more time in my son with a ring carving project this evening. And I plan to quit one project, even though it goes against my natural commitment to things.
And as far as the email goes that increased my workload by so many hours during a time I need to relax, I came up with a strategy I won’t share that deals with the issue. Myself and my two colleagues have also reached the same conclusion.
For the next few months I’m going to abandon the constant self-discipline my wife and I exert over our finances and actually live life a little with some fun, spontaneous things. Nothing irresponsible, but there comes a point when you need to just enjoy life. Who knows,. maybe it will work.
Thanks for everyone who cared and wrote support, I appreciate it.
Forgotten_Charity wrote:Hi SD. It appears you are suffering from burn out. At least what you describe is classic symptoms of burnout.
Emotionally and medically it pays a heavy toll if you ignore it. I watched my father suffer from it as did I. Something of a trend I am trying to break as it is often encouraged. As my farther used to say… The reason they keep you so busy is so you don’t have time to get in trouble, think or trad about other things that might get you into trouble(in LDS views). As a TBM father it didn’t reflect a negative view, but at the Same time reflected a worn out man with no much in the plate given to him. Likewise I contained the trend and believe it came from LDS culture even when not engaged with it it still predominates a unconscious action. So going into other activities as substitutes won’t rectify the situation. The base problem conditioning will continue in what ever endeavor.
What I find helpful is spontaneity, communicating with what my body/mind/spirit needs in any given moment.
I think you hit the nail on the head. My sister is a professional with a demanding job, and she says that when she gets overworked, he has similar cases of the blues. My brother owns a business and depends on meds to keep himself going.
Me, its episodic, and usually when I’ve taken on too many projects, and they are all failing unless I step in get the team over the hard part.
Ran into a guy who recently told me he’s retired, and he lives his life by doing “whatever he feels like doing in the moment” after years of pushing himself too hard. I’m on that plan today. I do tend to overwork myself to the point of exahaustion and frustration. The hard part is learning to reflect on your day at the end of it, and be happy, realizing you did nothing of any lasting importance.
How do you do that?
God bless you, friend – and don’t forget to take of yourself and not try to run faster than you can. SilentDawning wrote:Forgotten_Charity wrote:Hi SD. It appears you are suffering from burn out. At least what you describe is classic symptoms of burnout.
Emotionally and medically it pays a heavy toll if you ignore it. I watched my father suffer from it as did I. Something of a trend I am trying to break as it is often encouraged. As my farther used to say… The reason they keep you so busy is so you don’t have time to get in trouble, think or trad about other things that might get you into trouble(in LDS views). As a TBM father it didn’t reflect a negative view, but at the Same time reflected a worn out man with no much in the plate given to him. Likewise I contained the trend and believe it came from LDS culture even when not engaged with it it still predominates a unconscious action. So going into other activities as substitutes won’t rectify the situation. The base problem conditioning will continue in what ever endeavor.
What I find helpful is spontaneity, communicating with what my body/mind/spirit needs in any given moment.
I think you hit the nail on the head. My sister is a professional with a demanding job, and she says that when she gets overworked, he has similar cases of the blues. My brother owns a business and depends on meds to keep himself going.
Me, its episodic, and usually when I’ve taken on too many projects, and they are all failing unless I step in get the team over the hard part.
Ran into a guy who recently told me he’s retired, and he lives his life by doing “whatever he feels like doing in the moment” after years of pushing himself too hard. I’m on that plan today. I do tend to overwork myself to the point of exahaustion and frustration. The hard part is learning to reflect on your day at the end of it, and be happy, realizing you did nothing of any lasting importance.
How do you do that?
I can only speak about myself and what the research points to SD.
I do reflect actually throughout the day, since I am in constant self checking my actions and words and their positive or not positive effects. At the end if the day. I accept I don’t know what if anything mattered. But I do know often we don’t see our effects. Many a time I have talked with friends, strangers , done things for them. Went to sleep feeling I made no difference. But you know, I came across quite a few people years later running into them. They stopped me and said thanks so much for so and so, it meant so much to me or made such a positive difference in my life. I keep those in mind when I go to bed. In spite of what we see, there is untold differences made, that we will just never see in this life.
So the question is why do we so it? Is it to get recognition? Or do we do it and just hope that someone’s day or trail or life will be just a little bit better then it was before we came into contact with them or did something.
Being happy not for seeing what we did mattered, but because took the opportunity to help and to care. As with so many people in my life now gone, I too wish I could tell them how much they did and what mattered to me, more then they will ever know. Likewise, and so it is for each of us. Of I can make one person smile in the day, for me, the day mattered. That’s what makes me happy. Same goes for leaving the earth or creatures in better condition then before I came into contact with them.
Also I do t want to make this to long. But there is a huge difference between the experiencing self and the remembering self. Surprisingly they have very little in common with each other. This plays into that SD. You can learn more about it here. It is really connected to happiness though. Very strongly about doing and remembering.
http://youtu.be/XgRlrBl-7Yghttp://youtu.be/XgRlrBl-7Yg” class=”bbcode_url”> I listened to this Ted talk, The thesis is that we have two selves — an experiencing self, and a remembering self. The key is to live in the moment. Similar to a book I read recently called “The power of now” which encourages a person to live in the present and not let the pain self (the one that tortures us about the past, or the future) achieve dominance. I think it’s good advice — but most easily practiced by the person who has ease in controlling their thoughts.
And by the way, yes, I’m burnt out. Counting the days until my vacation in a week or two.
I also resigned from some hefty responsibilities (at least, scaled them back) consistent with JRH’s advice to slow down when we push ourselves too hard.
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