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Thought I’d throw some kudos around for the site. Came here about 5-6 years ago as a TR-holder who had left a ward priesthood leadership calling pretty battered. Battered by harsh, and in my view, inappropriate treatment by a few members, as well as ward and stake leaders. This was after some pretty extreme batterment in the previous 15-20 years in other contexts. Some of you know my story…Each time, I made a recovery back to full TR-status.
This last time, I was ticked, hurt, angry, and felt ostracized after I asked to be released from my calling. StayLDSe helped me to stay as a TR holder for two more years. During this time my daughter was severely and repeatedly bullied even after priesthood leader intervention. SP also called a very incompetent Bishop who drove Sac Meeting attendance l from over 100 to 40 during his term in office. SP apparently was too proud to do anything about it. All complaints from upstanding members led to lectures on supporting local leaders, even from our former Bishop (released to be in the SP). My whole family told me that they would no longer attend church unless we moved to a different Ward. I was not willing to make that financial sacrifice (realtor fees, moving costs, upheaval) so we attended a ward in a different stake. We had to handle this delicately and could not share our woes in our home ward due to policy — and how the priesthood leaders in the new Ward would react. My daughter blossomed in the youth program there. It cost me a car and insurance so she could get there (it was 45 minutes away on youth nights), but it worked. Simultaneously some strange women in our Seminary wards would not include my daughter in the local, home wardish seminary car pool, so this was another reason for the car. My daughter made it through all seminary years except the last one because of the car. That was strange. A woman involved finally told me about why this happened recently, but that is a different story.
Well, all the problems unpacked recently and here are the successes.
First, we are back in our home ward. The first act of Congress from our new SP was to release the old Bishop and give us a very good one. So everyone was willing to return. Our building (in repairs for 3 years due to SLC bureaucracy) got fixed. We started attending our home ward again with a new Bishop and with the girls who bullied my daughter gone, most of them. The rest were indifferent to her. Which was fine with us. Second, my wife and I both have callings, although we are not TR holders for the time being. My wife wants to be, she says. Third, my daughter emerged as a TBM but with a healthy attitude toward having a career, being financially independent of any spouse some day, to be non-judgmental (although she backslides). Fourth, she also got her YW Medallion while in our non-georgraphical ward. She went out with the missionaries a lot, fellowshipped and taught investigators, etcetera and loves the Mormon culture and theology. I successfully did NOT transmit my own negative feelings toward the church to her generation.
We dropped her off at BYU last weekend. Fully intact and a wiser from the experiences we’ve had (not that I would wish them on anyone — no cognitive dissonance here).
I feel that a milestone has been achieved. I am not saying everything is rosy with the church. But I am at peace with it most of the time. Able to attend regularly and support my family in doing so. Not openly negative to others…
Thanks to everyone who responds to PM’s, has given me perspectives on the various problems we have faced. I could not get the candid advice I receive here from local people. I believe this site has a lot to do with these successes. As this is the place to which I turned in order to get balanced perspectives within a culture of realism about the warts and beauty of our church. Not so at the local, face to face level…
Thanks — I have deep appreciation for everyone who has responded to my posts and comments. You deserve medals…
:clap: Tears of Joy over here for you friend. The words peace, family, emerged, healthy and success jump out at me. Well done. You had to pull the handcart a long way and through a lot. I hope this upturn lasts longer than the Valley of Anguish you walked through. Thanks for the update SD. It’s good to hear that you are back in your home ward and see a way forward. Often times people get support here, and we don’t always know the outcome of it. It’s good to hear that after years, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I think it is a good story for people to see that working though these things doesn’t always lead to leaving the church. That some things…even if it takes a while…seem to work out OK where there is a way to make things work in your own way, your own journey, your own religion and faith.
It’s also really good to hear your daughter made it to BYU. I bet she flourishes in that environment. It’s what you wish for as a parent.
Thanks for sharing. Good things ahead!!
SD, you’ve been willing to help a lot of us too on this site. Because of what you & your family has gone through, you will probably be able to identify & help others
that have similar situations or problems.
Thanks for the report.
Hearing such stories does a lot to validate the time we spend here. Thank you.
:thumbup: Don’t forget, you also make up a part of StayLDS, wouldn’t be the same without you.
Small successes along the journey is what it is all about. May we each bloom a little brighter wherever we are planted. SilentDawning wrote:You deserve medals…
Can I get mine out of milk chocolate?
:thumbup: Roy wrote:Small successes along the journey is what it is all about. May we each bloom a little brighter wherever we are planted.
SilentDawning wrote:You deserve medals…
Can I get mine out of milk chocolate?
:thumbup: Here you go!
Big smile! Glad to hear you are content. That is great to hear. I appreciate having others way head of me on this journey that are willing to share. I love to hear positive updates like this. From the title, though, I just assumed you were sharing something else about someone else because to me you are such an integral part of the site who helps everyone else that I forget so many originally came to be helped, not just to help. SD – This is all great news. Just want you to know that I appreciate your posts. I also have heavily invested my time in non-profits, and I enjoy your take on what makes them tick. Quote:I successfully did NOT transmit my own negative feelings toward the church to her generation.
Quite an accomplishment. It’s been a real growing experience for me to draw good boundaries here. I accept that the people I love more than life itself make their own choices, have their own experiences and opinions, and that it’s wrong for me to overstep.
Quote:I successfully did NOT transmit my own negative feelings toward the church to her generation.
Quote:Quite an accomplishment. It’s been a real growing experience for me to draw good boundaries here. I accept that the people I love more than life itself make their own choices, have their own experiences and opinions, and that it’s wrong for me to overstep.
I think the boundaries go both ways — we draw boundaries that prevent the church stepping to far into our lives, and we draw another set of boundaries that prevent us transmitting contrarion or unorthodox values to people who are traditional believers.
I realized that my own experiences have been kind of unusual in the church. Not everyone has the same litany of “abuses” that I have suffered — so why burst their own bubbles? TBMism works for my wife and daughter, and it makes them happy, so I have decided not to ruin it for them…
At the same time, there appears to be something about me that attracts the kind of “abuses” I feel I have suffered. Or maybe it’s just bad luck. In any case, I am now very sensitive to the things that happened to me — they caused me a number of physical ailments and mental anguish, including short-term clinical depression (diagnosed, meds prescribed for a while). So, personally I can’t let the success of Mormonism in the lives of others encourage me to walk back into the jaws of the abyss that injured me.
And I can’t assume that my experiences are like everyone else’s. I think there are people who would live their lives in self-loathing if they adopted my own approach to church service. There are also people who would lose their marriages if they adopted my approach; I happen to have a spouse who accepts, or at least, tolerates my unorthodoxy and coping mechanisms. In my case — boundary setting, substitution of non-profit service for church service, placing self-reliance ahead of tithing, and limiting my involvement at church works. It is the most peace-inducing solution to the problem of feeling unhappy with the LDS experience while not being able to leave it entirely.
All those things need to be considered….we are famous for saying a one size fits all approach doesn’t work in the church. I don’t think it works within unorthodox circles either…each person has to find their own way.
I do think journal writing, and blogging, or threaded discussion participation helps people find their own way.
Thanks for sharing SD. As someone else said, I see you much more as a helper than a helpee – but it’s good to remember that we all learn and grow from each other and that we’re all both helpers and helpees. Thanks DJ and everyone else — much appreciated!
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