Support for TBM Family Members?

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if anyone knows of communities or resources for TBM members dealing with a family member who is disaffected from the church or going through a “faith crisis”? The kind of resources that will tell them that this isn’t their fault and provide comfort to them? I’m looking for something that’s NOT primarily spousal support. It needs to be also open to family members in general.

I think I’ve said before, I don’t know if I want to “Stay LDS” the way that my family will consider “staying.” I haven’t been attending church. Right now, I don’t want to go back to Church as a regularly attending member. I don’t know if I want to raise a family in this Church or if continuing to engage in the LDS church will help me live my highest quality of life. For me, I need to go live life outside of Utah, where things are less impacted by the LDS culture and the religion and (hopefully) strangers don’t just see “being Mormon” as some black and white thing. I also want to try dating non-Mormon guys. Basically, I need room to breathe and continue on my own spiritual journey, away from here. If this journey brings me back to the church, I’ll come back. I trust myself to be prudent and follow my head and my heart in finding the spiritual path that’s right for me. I’m open to returning. And I’ll always be “Mormon”–but right now I’m not “Mormon” the way others think you should be.

Unfortunately, I think my mother is getting tired of not understanding why I’m not going to Church. She’s getting worried, I can tell. I think she’s going to start pushing me to get married and start dating again because to her, that holds the key–you know, temple marriage and all that. I’m in my early twenties. I’m not in a hurry to get married. I do want a husband and a family, preferably before my thirties, but right now I’m not dating because I don’t want to. I’m a very active, busy person, and the dating culture around where I live is very serious. I don’t want to date someone seriously, and honestly, I don’t really see the appeal in using the energy to attempt to date casually. I’m an introvert so spending time and energy with new people, generally doing activities that don’t feed my mind, isn’t that fun, especially when I’m already so busy and just want some time to myself. Plus, most people around here view dating as “courtship” which I’m not open to right now. I also keep my cards close to my chest when it comes to religious views, especially with Mormons. The point point is, I don’t want to date in Utah. I’m not going to reject someone on the grounds of “not wanting to date” but I’m not pursuing it at all.

Good news–I’m moving out of Utah soon. And I’m so excited! :clap:

But back to my main point–with my mom pushing me, wanting to know what’s going on, and wanting to get the ball rolling for my happiness as a Mormon woman, wanting me to be happily married to a nice Mormon man…and then there’s me wanting to go off in the other direction, I feel like something has got to give soon and she’s going to find out more about my disaffection, which is going to wreck her. We’re close so me telling her kindly not to ask about dating, or dating being personal matter, isn’t gonna cut it. She’s going to dig for answers. I don’t know what to do. Any resources out there for people like her once she puts two and two together?

[Anonymous]

First things first. Recognize that your parents are more durable than you think. Even your mom.

I thought I was raised by the most black and white TBM parents out there. Other strict parents saw my parents are “too square” and “too strict”. As I have gotten older, I have been surprised to see my parents roll with some punches that I thought would lay them out flat. Assume durability. Assume that they have more life experience than they have shared with you.

Try telling her that you are trying to figure out what you want in life. You don’t plan to make any stupid or rash choices, but you need to figure out your path for your life.. Marriage isn’t what feels right to pursue right now. You are trying to figure out where and what you are being led to.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know of any specific websites for families. We don’t have any strong ones for the staying spouses either. It’s uncharted territory. However, perhaps connecting her/them to the Mormonessays.com sight might open up doors of conversation.

Ann posted a book called Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis, reading it might be good for both sides of your family.

You might check out Kristy Money’s article in Mormon Transitions, it gives some suggestions on how to tell a loved one about your experience.

Another thought is Patrick Mason http://www.ldsliving.com/Surviving-a-Faith-Crisis-with-the-Help-of-Church-Members/s/80563” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.ldsliving.com/Surviving-a-Faith-Crisis-with-the-Help-of-Church-Members/s/80563

[Anonymous]

amateurparent wrote:

First things first. Recognize that your parents are more durable than you think. Even your mom.

Try telling her that you are trying to figure out what you want in life. You don’t plan to make any stupid or rash choices, but you need to figure out your path for your life.. Marriage isn’t what feels right to pursue right now. You are trying to figure out where and what you are being led to.

Thanks, AP. I think it is wise advice for me to give my mom more credit for her strength than I have. It’s just her. She’s been through some awful things. Unfortunately, this puts more pressure on me because I feel like I’m that one more, devastating trial for her. But she has survived a lot in the past and is still battling horrible trials today. I know I should be hopeful that she can endure this as well.

Thanks for the advice about marriage and conveying that it doesn’t feel right to pursue right now…that’s been what I’ve been telling her for a few years now. 😆 Maybe she can hold off on pressing me for a little while longer…

mom3 wrote:

Ann posted a book called Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis, reading it might be good for both sides of your family.

You might check out Kristy Money’s article in Mormon Transitions, it gives some suggestions on how to tell a loved one about your experience.

Another thought is Patrick Mason http://www.ldsliving.com/Surviving-a-Faith-Crisis-with-the-Help-of-Church-Members/s/80563” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.ldsliving.com/Surviving-a-Faith-Crisis-with-the-Help-of-Church-Members/s/80563

Thank you for these recommendations! I checked out Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis and was considering purchasing it for myself. Maybe I’ll hand it off to her if the time feels right.

I just wish I could find a community for her. She’s alone and isolated and with the way the church is pushing families so hard lately, it worries me.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I just wish I could find a community for her. She’s alone and isolated and with the way the church is pushing families so hard lately, it worries me.

Your worries are not unfounded. Of all the groups getting support the people who remain or never undergo a FC is the group most overlooked. This in time I think will pose a very painful process for both sides. People like your mom end up being collateral damage with no where to go. That’s kind of how my own FC began, and it is a tricky navigation.

[Anonymous]

I’d be reluctant to send my family to any TBM source that I “approved of”. I know how in-laws can put pressure on family members on all kinds of issues, and I’m afraid of all the unexpected strategies and consequences it might cause to send them to some site or resource.

The best resource they have to help cope with a less active member is YOU. Best because you know how you want to be treated, what will push you away, etcetera. I also think it’s on you to really help your family cope by being supportive of them, and meeting their emotional needs in that are not necessarily church related. Whatever that means to your family members…

[Anonymous]

Many outside resources for FC start to focus on issues that you might not be struggling with. My DH went to some TBM support site and he FREAKED out to find so many people with marital problems. He was suddenly afraid that there were marriage issues that I wasn’t talking about. It took a little while before he could internalize the knowledge that I had problems with THE CHURCH .. And NOT with my marriage.

You really are the best resource. Communication is a beautiful thing.

Don’t try to protect your mom. Be real. Be honest. She can handle it.

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