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Hi everyone, I’ve been lurking for a week or so now, and have been so glad to find this board! A bit about myself…I’m 40yo, married w/2 kids (11 &15), and find that I have gone from being TBM to having a lot of questions in just a few short months. I was BIC, went to BYU, served a mission, got married in the temple.
My family moved cross country this summer – moving’s not new to us, but this one has seemed harder than others. About 4 weeks after we moved in, I was called as YW president in our new ward. I guess the bishop was shocked when I burst into tears, then slugged my husband in the arm. Just earlier in the day, I told DH I was nervous about what the bishop might want, and he said, “Oh, probably just wants to get to know us. It’s not like he’s going to call you as the YW president or anything.”
🙄 Well, I told my bishop I’d like to think and pray about it, but honestly, I really didn’t. My whole life I thought you just accepted a calling when it was given, no matter what. I just had to psyche myself up enough to do it! So, I’ve been doing this for about three months. Unfortunately, it was causing me a LOT of anxiety. I also felt I was slipping into a depressive episode. It all came to a head one night when DH and I were out on a walk. I told him I just didn’t think I could do this anymore – it was giving me physical and emotional grief. Then a few other things slipped out of my mouth I hadn’t ever really given place to before. The first was, “And I’m having a hard time with the differences between the gospel and the church culture.” The second was, “I don’t think my testimony’s where it needs to be (whatever that means).” And thirdly, my thought was, “Why do I have to be ‘forced’ into a church calling I don’t want when I’m already serving meaningfully in the community (work with a farm that donates food to local churches and food pantries)?”
To his credit, DH wasn’t particularly shocked. He has his own set of issues and has always been more liberally minded than I. However, I will say, that since then, I think I’ve swung past him. I am embarrassed, honestly, at some of my past thinking. This is turning into much too long of a story…I’ll sum up. I sent an email to my bishop, detailing the trouble I was having with my calling. I was relieved when I got his response – he was very understanding, told me he felt it best that I be released too, and he hoped to reorganize things within the month. I can’t tell you how much better I felt with light at the end of the YW tunnel.
Since then, I’ve been reading quite a lot. I found you guys, NOM, Faces East, Mormon Matters and Mormon Stories. I’m a little afraid to go to MormonThink. Although it’s nice to know so many other people are trying to find their place and/or redefine their faith, I’m really worried what all these new questions might mean for me and my family. Maybe I’ll tackle them one by one over on the support board. Anyhow, I’m glad to be here and look forward to meaningful discussion. Thanks!
Hi LadyEliza, and welcome! I’m glad you found us and hope some of our shared perspectives can help you on your journey. Once the door is opened, it is tough to get it closed again. I checkout one or two things and then for the next 6 months I felt like I was some type of addict trying to find more and more. It can be very hard and I have noticed that others that I have talked to have had the same type of experience. I am glad to hear that your husband and bishop have been helpful to you. I think that this type of things are happening more and more every day. I was talking to an EQP from a different stake yesterday and six months ago his live was pretty normal for an active Mormon and now he still serves but doesn’t have a testimony of much any more. Please lean on us when you need to and it will be good to hear more from you. Glad to have you here. Welcome. Many of us find what we need here, I hope you do too. Welcome, LE. We are an eclectic bunch, and I look forward to getting to know you better over time. There are a lot of resources here from older threads. I don’t always point that out in introductions, but I felt I should in this comment. I hope you can search for and find a thread (or a few) that addresses your biggest concerns in a way that will help you have peace.
Thank you for the welcome! I’m still in a state of denial, I think. I really don’t want to have to go through all the turmoil that likely lies ahead, but it’s like a train wreck. Don’t want to watch, but can’t look away. 😥 thanks for sharing the story. It has much in common with my own situation — hit a wall with a hefty calling. and felt pressure to stay….I hope your Bishop releases you in a timely fashion — at least he gave a deadline. I also believe there is a strong line between the church and the gospel… Like you, my effort is with the community now. I still attend church and am active, support my family (daughter got her YW medallion at 14 a couple weeks ago), wife is active.
Thanks for sharing what you did, and i hope you go forth and serve in ways that make you happy — in any context you find rewarding and that speaks to your passions in life.
LadyEliza wrote:I am embarrassed, honestly, at some of my past thinking.
Hi, LadyEliza – Glad you’re here, and boy, do I know this feeling. But then I figure that in the future I will probably
stillbe embarrassed by some of my past thinking. The great thing about this site is that we find other words for that “embarrassment” – it helps me deal with it in much more productive ways.
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