Sustaining Service

[Anonymous]

Had a good conversation with my wife earlier today. We were talking about times her desire to serve others waned. I kept asking questions until I saw themes in her service. Apparently, she gives without expecting anything in return. However, when she has an unexpected need, and asks for a minor service from someone she once served, and they refuse, she starts feeling unmotivated to the serve the person in the future. So, she approaches the service selflessly and continues it indefinitely — particularly if she has no needs herself that the servee could meet. But if she has a need, and they refuse (usually something simple, from the examples she gave me), it reduces her motivation to serve in the future.

I have trouble sustaining my service to others under a few circumstances as well. One circumstance is when I start feeling like the service is expected, when I start feeling like an unpaid employee, or when the people in charge of the organization don’t act with civility or respect.

It has me wondering — is service ever completely selfless? Are there normally unseen conditions and expectations of reciprocity that must be “met” in order to sustain service over the long-term? What is your experience?

[Anonymous]

Quote:

SD wrote: It has me wondering — is service ever completely selfless? Are there normally unseen conditions and expectations of reciprocity that must be “met” in order to sustain service over the long-term? What is your experience?

I have noticed that the best service in a ward goes to the most socially connected. When someone is helped, and I know they will write me a thank you note, and possibly reciprocate at some point in the future, I no longer consider that service. I consider that part of being socially connected.

Service is self-less. Service is when I do not expect anything ever in return.

Something else I have noticed, the poorest most needy people are often the least likely to say thank you or acknowledge the assistance. It isn’t that they are not grateful. They are overwhelmed by the service and they have no way to reciprocate. Often they feel ashamed of their life circumstance.

Something else:

Years ago, we were living out of a Ronald McDonald House while our DD was in ICU in a city far from our home. A law firm brought dinner one evening. Their volunteers were very uncomfortable to realize that DH was an attorney. They wanted to emotionally set up social boundaries of themselves helping “the less fortunate.” They didn’t want to self-identify with any of us.

That experience taught me a very valuable lesson. When I volunteer, I work hard to blur the social lines between volunteers and those being served. It gives a extra level connection and allows those served to be seen as individuals, and not just seen as “the needy”.

The only time we were truly served was when our children were sick/dying. Before that, I used to wonder when it would be “my turn” to be served. I no longer wonder that. I see the opportunity to serve as an honor and a blessing. It means I have the health, the time, and the resources to help. That is a blessing.

[Anonymous]

For me, I seem to be able to sustain service when a few things are in place:

a) I am getting something personally out of the experience. I am enjoying myself, I am learning new things, and it makes my life better or more interesting in in some way.

b) There are good relationships among the people with whom I am serving.

c) People treat me with a certain amount of minimal respect and civility.

d) I feel empowered to make decisions, and when I make mistakes, they are handled with kindness and not domineering.

e) There are visible results eventually…in the short and medium term on most projects.

I know that service should be truly selfless, expecting nothing in return, but that hasn’t worked for me. I can point to specific situations where my passion/engagement has suffered dramatically because one or more of the items above have not been present.

What must be in place for you to serve enthusiastically for the long-term?

[Author]

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