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Everyone: I have a question about this. For years, I have often wondered in various contexts — at church, in work, in the community, if people are telling me the truth. Some call it paranoia, but I call it insight. I normally am right when I really get under the hood to find out what people are REALLY telling me during those times my intuition suggests I am not getting the REAL reason.
If I can give an example. I play in a band, and have for 10 years. We had one really good player and we got on famously. We would see movies together, we would talk on the phone, and we would work on projects outside the band together. Then one day he quit. He said he was tired of music and wanted to focus on writing his own compositions. I asked if there were any issues in the band, and he said “no”. I thought there was an underlying reason he wasn’t telling me, but he assured me, “no”. We continued to do things socially and continued to work on other projects. He also agreed to perform with us when we were stuck and couldn’t find a sax player.
At our last gig, he pulled me aside and told me that the reason he didn’t want to play was that I wasn’t giving him enough “say” in the repertoire and the balance of our music wasn’t suitable in our sound system during live performances. He was very direct, but kind, about it. I told him I was VERY appreciative of this honesty because I was sad when he withdrew months and months ago.
So, I was right — there WAS a concern he wasn’t telling me a while ago.
The problem is, if you DON’T take people what people say at face value, you are often accused of being paranoid, or at least, guessing. But in the last case, when I took what he originally said “he was tired of music” and proceeded on that basis, I was wrong.
How do you reconcile these two extremes — taking what people say at face value, while also trusting your intuition and pursuing the truth? Is it better just to go off what people tell you , even though your insight tells you it is wrong?“Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.” DarkJedi wrote:
“Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.”
This is great advice… generally… probably.
Unfortunately for humanity, my brain is built to perceive, process, and project through words. I am led through life by words. So, in this context, people won’t hear me because they won’t believe what I say. It also meant that I missed a lot of subtle non-verbal messages and meanings because it wasn’t getting through. It used to not bother me because I didn’t realize what was going on. Now, it is a cause of despair (defined by me at the throwing arms up in the air level) periodically. Most of the time, I am able to manage the despair by remembering that it’s just the way things are – I can develop skills to improve and cope with it, but it’s not something I caused.
What seems to have helped is letting people know up front that I manage communications primarily verbally – and that I won’t pick up on non-verbal messages very well (so if something is important or bothering them, they need to tell me and not assume that I will “get the message” – in fact, I tell them to assume that I won’t get the message if it is not verbalized).
When verbal and non-verbal messages come in conflict, I respectfully call people on it. I lay out the evidence I have (some body language and circumstances) against what the person told me and request clarification. I LOVE Brene Brown’s “The Story I am telling myself about the situation is…” principle from her Netflix talk – huge help in my life!
How do you reconcile these two extremes — taking what people say at face value, while also trusting your intuition and pursuing the truth?
One other note – I feel that people tell the truth as they see it, usually tailored with their perceived best interests in mind. Because of these parameters, it is impossible for anyone to tell the whole truth (and it’s not their fault). I figure in every conversation I have with someone, there is at least 1 thing they know and don’t tell me, and at least 1 thing they don’t know about themselves that is impacting the situation without their full knowledge. So I tuck that away and use it with my intuition – but I don’t condemn people for not being able to tell me everything.
Is it better just to go off what people tell you, even though your insight tells you it is wrong?
It depends. Some of the parameters that it depends on are the judged amount of shame in telling/not telling, the known consequences for not getting it out in the open, the judgement of how much the other person knows what you are perceiving.
After reading the posts above, it seems to me you need to take what people say at face value, tempere by your perceptions. The “tempered by perceptions” is the tricky part. Doing this latter part takes practice, experience, and knowing your own biases. It’s a tough balance. But I think there are some people you can’t take at face value. It really depends. I once had a boss who never really said what he meant and I always felt like I never knew where I stood – and I didn’t know (I was worse off than I imagined). I think some of it at least has to do with the individual’s personality and often the setting. It would seem like we could trust people to be more forthwith at church because the church does espouse honesty and truth – but that’s not always the case as is evidenced by how easy it is for some members to dupe other members into MLM schemes (among other schemes/frauds). Of course that might also call into question those of us who speak in nuanced terms – can you really take most things I say at face value? If you know me well enough, you know what I mean by what I say (at least to some extent), but if you don’t know me you might think I’m pretty orthodox. I think you have no choice but to take people at their word – even knowing that there is much that they do not say. I work in a small community. Many people are related by blood or marriage. I assume that everyone could be related to everyone else and try not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn’t want repeated back to them.
Somewhat similarly, I am aware that people (myself included) are not always honest or that they may withhold information for personal reasons. I do not have the energy or skillset to go about deducing or inferring the truth. Therefore, I generally take what they say at face value until I receive additional information to revise my conclusions.
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