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So last weekend we had the temple dedication here in Calgary as well as the youth cultural celebration that my oldest son was involved with. As each family was only provided 2 tickets to the celebration my DW and I realized that we both would not be able to attend as all of the babysitters in the ward would be involved as well. I offered to stay home and watch online with my two younger boys and I thought that we should invite my MIL to come and go to the live performance. Partly because I knew she would enjoy it and partly as a peace offering since our relationship is perpetually on unsteady ground. She thought it would be a “wonderful idea” (please read that in the most sickeningly sweet voice possible to best impersonate her) and she offered to stay at home on Sunday with our littlest son since he was too young to go to the dedication (which forced me into going to the dedication, but oh well). Now to the fun part, my MIL arrived about 1/2 hour prior to her and my DW having to leave to make the performance and then returned around 10pm once it was all done. Apparently, I was not welcoming enough to her that day and somehow did not make her feel welcomed in our home (because as a Canadian I don’t really care what Fox news is talking about and thus really did not engage her in conversation). I know this because she was in tears the next morning and complained to my DW (before I was up and about, they are both early risers). My DW then told me about it (herself in tears) after my MIL went back home. My poor DW is tired of being trapped between having to continually defend me and having to listen to her mom’s continual complaining about me. It should be noted that I do make a concerted effort to not offend my MIL but my efforts are often in vain. I am tired of seeing my DW left in tears due to her hyper-sensitive mom.
So the DW and I decided that it is time to set some firmer boundaries (after 18+ years) and so I wrote a firm but fair email to her explaining the difficult situation she continually places her daughter in and tell her that in the future she is not to complain to my DW about me but to talk to me about it. My DW read it over and agreed with everything it said. She even thanked me for taking this step on her behalf. We slept on things and re-read the letter the next day and both agreed that it needed to be sent.
Now the really fun part, yesterday my FIL sent me a response. Now while I appreciate his motives and sentiment behind sending the response (he is the peace maker in the family). The thing that really irks me is that in the letter he proceeds to offer me a sizable chunk of spiritual council. Again, while I appreciate the sentiment, I don’t really like this. I am not a child, I’m an adult. I’m not his son. He has no dominion over me. If, and it is a strong if, I ever felt that I needed his spiritual council, I would ask him for it. Sometimes I get the impression from him that since I am a convert, he needs to be my “church” dad. Additionally, he wants all of us to go to the temple together the next time they are in town to help build family unity and that is a problem that I don’t even want to touch right now.
Now I’m not going to reply to him and I will pretty much let this wash under the bridge but I just don’t understand why he feels this is his place. Maybe it’s common more TBM FILs to do this? I don’t know. But with my issues of extremely negative feelings associate with the temple and the continual friction between the MIL and myself, there is no way I’m going to the temple with them any time soon.
Just needed to vent. Thanks.
I think you have done a good job at setting boundaries, and I like the way you stay close to your wife and the two of you agree on how to handle it. That is much better than just stepping in and reacting, but you gave it time, and thought, and got buy in from your wife. Heber13 wrote:I think you have done a good job at setting boundaries,
Thanks Heber.
Unfortunately, in his reply my FIL didn’t view it this way. He said “I wish situations like this could be resolved with edicts and commands, but I am afraid this only exacerbates the problem”. Of course, I’ll let this slide as well and my wife and I will stick to our plan.
Oh well, at least my wife told me that if it ever came down to her parents or me, she’d pick me without question. I hope it never comes to that because I see my in-laws as important pieces of my children’s lives.
double post He truly cares about you and about maintaining peace. Be deeply grateful for that. That’s my take-away.
My advice:
Write him a letter thanking him for his concern and advice, and tell him you will do everything you can in good conscience to honor his love of his daughter. Then, do it – even though that might include not doing anything he suggested, everything he suggested or something between the two extremes.
I have a very controlling and judgmental mother-in-law. It is difficult for me to tell if her interpretation of Mormon teachings made her the person she is or if she was always inclined to be controlling and judgmental and just interprets Mormon teachings to justify herself. Shortly after DW and I were married, one of the other married children apparently complained about too much parental interference. She sent out a letter to each of the married children explaining that she will be held responsible for their conduct until the day she dies and included some excerpts of some book published under Deseret book to back her up. I sent a reply letter wherein I tried to respectfully offer a different interpretation and I included some excerpts of a talk SWK gave titled “Parents get off the boat!” for doctrinal support. The In-laws have never mentioned either the original letter or the response I gave.
In my efforts to make peace with my MIL’s actions, I have tried to accept that she will never change, that in her mind she is doing the right thing, and that she thinks she does this out of love. I may have some doubts as to deeper/hidden motivators, but I believe that she actually thinks that she does it all out of love and I try to forgive her.
I also think that the trick to pulling this off is that, since we have been married, we have never lived less than 400 miles away.
In retrospect, I believe the lack of response to my letter was very fortunate. I know of two other situations where a letter was sent to my MIL to express feelings that may have been too hard to handle face to face – one from my MIL’s MIL (DW’s paternal grandmother) and the other from the wife of my Brother in Law. In both instances, sending that letter began a long and hurtful divide that continues to this day and has affected the perception and treatment of entire families.
As for my FIL. Once around X-mas time he sent me a framed poem. I remember the gist of it being something like, “It is more manly to be a servant in God’s house, than a king elsewhere.” He also sent an accompanying letter with his testimony. I am probably sensitive to this issue. Since his daughter married me, we have moved several times including outside of the western states to pursue a career in casinos!!! (whereas everyone else lives in the Wasatch front on considerably less income).
Once again I feel that his heart was in the right place. It helped that this appeared to be a form letter that he sent to all the “sons” and not just to me. I told my wife that because of my negative feelings on the issue I do not plan to display this poem in our house and she supports me in this matter. I didn’t call my FIL right away but when I saw him again I made sure to thank him for his gesture.
So on one hand I fully commiserate, OTOH – please exercise extreme caution. Setting boundaries with In-Laws can be a tricky business of far reaching and unintended consequences.
Part of setting boundaries is maintaining them during the testing period. They will be tested. That’s a good indication you needed to set better boundaries. Hold the line. They say strong fences make good neighbors. The same goes for families IMO. Everyone else already gave good advice on how to maintain the new boundaries in a polite and respectful way.
As always, excellent advice from all of you. It always amazes me that someone as awesome as my wife can come from such an ‘interesting’ mother 
Thanks
🙂 Everyone here uses the acronym DW…. what does that mean (Delightful wife, diligent wife, darth’s weapon, Dreary wisecrack,) help!!! I feel I am outside the clique…. let me in!!!!! DW commonly = “Dear Wife” …unless my assumptions have been off. Canuck, your story helps me count some of my blessings – I don’t have that type of in-law problems. …but I have seen a little of the over-stepping of bounds, and thankfully over time the proper boundaries have become known.
Heber13 wrote:I keep seeing DB…is that Deep Bottom…or DeadBeat…or Drunk Barbarocracy????
😆 Ok, just kidding, DB.
But the forum does have some links to helpful abbreviations, found
hereDB = DollarBill – it was a nickname I had before I joined the church. My name is Bill, and I partied a lot. Somehow in the midst of those bad choices, I earned the nickname of DollarBill. DBMORMON for me is a reminder of finding ways to relate to both those on the fringe and those among the TBM – striving to help people make it work within the church, knowing there is something bigger then us going on here!
DBMormon wrote:Everyone here uses the acronym DW…. what does that mean (Delightful wife, diligent wife, darth’s weapon, Dreary wisecrack,) help!!! I feel I am outside the clique…. let me in!!!!!
there is an acronyms post in the General Discussion forum here. it points to aNOM guide to the acronyms
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