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All five of the new roommates I moved in with this semester are TBMs. It’s become impossible to keep my faith crisis a secret because my Church attendance has tapered off and some of the views that I express are not orthodox Mormon culture views. So some of my roommates have found out, and it sounds like word has gotten around, so they probably all know. The only roommate who has expressed objections to my faith crisis is named Dave. Dave is sort of the alpha male (but not the landlord) of our house. Dave is not OK with me taking a break from Church attendance for awhile, even if I continue to live “Church standards.” Dave wants everyone to attend Church every Sunday and wants everyone to believe that the Church is the one true church. He is certain that the reason that Moroni’s promise failed for me was that I didn’t pray enough times and didn’t pray with enough faith. I assured him that had I fulfilled both requirements, but he did not seem convinced. I am not sure what the other roommates would think of me taking a break from Church attendance, but they are all pretty laid back and none of them have said anything to me about my Church attendance.
I had what I thought was a civil conversation with him about some of the doctrinal and historical problems in the Church, and he knows about them and still believes that the Church is what it claims to be, and I said I was fine with people believing that. But he is going to have a problem with me not attending Church.
I can see that there will be some friction if I don’t attend Church every sunday, at least with Dave. Even if I attend Church but don’t believe it literally, I don’t think he will be OK with that. My lease here is for a year, and I’m otherwise happy with my living situation with these guys. I’m not really ready for the college party lifestyle with some non-LDS roommates.
How should I handle this? Dave asked me if I was going to be attending Church tomorrow, and I indicated that I probably wouldn’t be, which he was quite unhappy about. It isn’t his responsibility to be policing Church attendance etc., but he clearly feels that it is. Even if I don’t go, and he accepts that, he’s still going to be upset and may continue to hound me about it or try to persuade me to move out (not what Jesus would do, right?) I don’t want friction, but I don’t want to attend Church just to keep my roommates happy. How should I handle this situation?
I take it you are not at BYU or else you are sort of required to attend church to keep your ecclesiastical endorsement. Also you mentioned not wanting a party atmosphere of non LDS roommates. I would not ever bring up historical or whatever other stuff with someone like this Dave person. This (to me) has zero to do with him being TBM, and all to do with him trying to control your behaviour, maybe because he thinks he will save your soul if he clucks his tongue at you like an old dowager and badgers you into defending your non belief. I would not engage in this kind of discussion. People who are controlling are not good confidantes because they don’t listen or care about you, just their own objectives. It’s not going to be productive. You can attend, you can not attend, but you are grown men. He is not the boss of you, right? Him having a problem with you not attending church is first of all ludicrous and at the end of the day, his problem. Complying with bullies is a no win. Generally, during faith crisis, I would say attending if you have an anthropological and charitable attitude is good. I genuinely love the friendships I have in the church. It doesn’t really matter what they believe or don’t believe. We have lots in common because we understand the same way of talking about spiritual matters and we are all trying to be good people. There’s more commonality in that than there are differences I think.
But people like this Dave guy, I’d just keep at arm’s length.
Firstly, remember this has nothing to do with you. This is your roommate’s issue. This guy is a control freak with personal boundary issues. I’m sure that if it wasn’t church attendance he would be trying to control some other aspect of your life. Watch his interactions with your other roommates, he probably tries to control them in some manner as well. So don’t take it personally. Accept that the guy is a jerk and your perspective will change and you will feel better. Whenever he starts in on you just calmly look and him and say “Dude, this doesn’t concern you. So drop it already” and then completely ignore him until he (or you) leaves the room. Each time he brings it up respond the exact same way with the exact same level of calmness. Sure he will sit there and fume, probably shoot you some dirty looks but just ignore it. Sooner or later he will give up. Secondly, just feel sorry for whomever this tool chooses to date
😈 What Hawk and Canuck said. Also, one jerk of five roommates isn’t bad at all.
My advice as to what you should say when he asks if you are going to church that week, said with a smile:
Quote:“Yes. Thanks for asking.”
or
Quote:“No. Thanks for asking.”
After each response, ignore him and go back to whatever you were doing. If he persists, repeat the above – as many times as it takes for him to get the message.
Something like that isn’t worth the emotional capital it takes to do anything else.
Yeah, you guys are right. I shouldn’t put up with “spiritual bullying.” And you’re right that Dave is a subtly and not-so-subtly controlling in other areas. So I should play Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take Itfor myself and be polite but firm about my views. Canucknuckle wrote:“Dude, this doesn’t concern you. So drop it already”
Great advice… along with the others.
InquiringMind wrote:…and be polite but firm about my views.
I would actually caveat this just a bit. The only view that you should be polite but firm with is your view that this isn’t his business. In my opinion you should avoid any and all discussions about why you are having a faith crisis and your views about the church and its history. This Dave character isn’t going to go any easier on you as a result of a religious confrontation. In my experience, trying to explain your views to people that are contrary only serves to put you in a position of being contrary, and results in ramping up, rather than settling conflict. In other words, you have nothing that needs to be justified. Trying to do so will only make the situation worse.
Amen to On Our Now’s caveat. I am reminded of what Queen Elizabeth diplomatically said when the newly Protestant parliament pressed her to ferret out the Catholics in their midst. She said “I have no desire to make windows into men’s souls.” Beware those who do! That’s how religious oppression starts whether on the grand scale or individually. Quote:Dave is sort of the alpha male (but not the landlord) of our house
Don’t worry, alpha males don’t exist. They’re for dogs, not for humans.
The road ahead can be lonely, but remember, “to yourself be true”. It’s not as bad as you might think.
🙂 Be a good person, and they will understand your problems are not because you are evil.
These situations are tough because while we here know that he’s overstepping his bounds and acting controlling, to him he’s being a good member missionary and not taking no for an answer. As mormons, we don’t specifically instruct people to be obnoxious, but honestly Dave’s type of behavior is frequently preached and encouraged. It’s hard to reason with those people because they are doing what they think is right in the only way they know how to do it. I agree with everyone that discussing your differences in belief won’t be ultimately productive, but let him know that at some point he’s going to have to let go of his feelings of responsibility for your eternal soul and replace it with respect for you as a mature adult capable of making your own decisions.
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