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One thing that is really bothering me right now is the fact that my family rarely holds Family Home Evening. There are a number of driving forces in favor of holding the meetin. The driving force is that I believe in structured teaching of the kids when they are growing up. Also driving this is that FHE works. I’ve found family home evening lessons we had years ago still show their effect in my kids behavior and belief systems. But the restraining forces are strong. One is that my wife isn’t into FHE at all. Although TBM, her family rarely did it, so it’s like pulling teeth to get her cooperation. When she does participate, she usually bolts right after the lesson, ,leaving me alone to do the activity, and it’s clear she wants to get it over with from start to finish — regardless of who is teaching it and what the topic is. This, then, creates huge dissatisfaction in my own heart and reminds me of the deficiencies in our marriage, which have been many. So, I tend to not even bother anymore after 8 years of feasible years of family home evening when I’ve had at least one child old enough to benefit from it. Yet I feel deep regret at all those missed opportunities to really shape the thinking of my kids and prepare them for life.
I have tried what I call Daddy Home Evening where I just do it all myself, and that worked for a while, but my kids resist it saying that Mommy isn’t part of it,so they don’t want to do it.
Anyway, not sure if this is the right forum for a practical problem like this, but I wanted to share this as it’s weighing heavily on my mind. The good news is that my daughter is responding well to the whole LDS experience and so far, has been an exemplary youth and person in general. We do talk a lot about values one on one, and do things together – rarely as a family though. But she is getting good value training and life experience through family life and church experience.
My son, on the other hand, needs it, but is not getting it and doesn’t get a kick out of one on one religious/philosophical/spiritual topics.
Wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to instill the right values into my kids independent of church given the forgoing challenges. I’m believing that the one-size fits all FHE concept doesn’t work for my particular family, and that an alternate system or approach is needed….curious about your thoughts.
SilentDawning wrote:
Wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to instill the right values into my kids independent of church given the forgoing challenges. I’m believing that the one-size fits all FHE concept doesn’t work for my particular family, and that an alternate system or approach is needed….curious about your thoughts.As a family we have struggled to hold FHE regularly for a number of different reasons but I feel we are still doing a fairly decent job of instilling the right values in our children. Perhaps it’s because I tend to follow the example of my mother that is helping things are turning out okay thus far. I was raised in an non-LDS home but the values I was raised with are strong in connection to many Christ-like virtues.
So how do we go about instilling these values? Simply put, we talk about values and their related behaviours regularly throughout the course of our week. Be it in the car, at dinner or just around the house. These discussions are not one-on-one and are certainly not formal but when we see/hear of something that goes against our values, or hear/see something that is in line with our values we point it out and talk about it, even if only for 30 seconds. These quick little discussions have left the door open for my sons to discuss things that they have seen/heard and we in turn ask them how they would have dealt with the situation or what their feelings are about it. We simply have made conversations surrounding positive values the norm around our house. We are never preachy and teach our children that others often have different values and it is not our place to project our values on to others. This is what my non-LDS mother did as I was growing up and it is what I try to emulate as a parent.
That being said, I do see the value in FHE but I personally have difficulty with the formality of it. But like many families we try to do our best. Sometimes we are better at having it then at other times.
We also haven’t been good at formal FHE as our children grew, but we have been very good at informal FHE and spending quality time alone as a family. I would like to get better at formal FHE, but, if I had to choose one over the other, I’d take lots of quality time over the program.
I’m a strong believe that one on one time with children individually is the most effective approach. bc_pg wrote:I’m a strong believe that one on one time with children individually is the most effective approach.
I tend to agree… although there is also something special when everyone participates as a family.SilentDawning… My kids seem most receptive when they’re about to go to sleep… (or is it they ARE asleep?
😆 )So, on most nights, we read a little message with a scripture & say a prayer & then afterwards, I read a short story (anything from Book of Virtues… to Shakespeare) – preferably something they’re interested in, that also teaches a moral.
I also take advantage of any time they are a captive audience – like when we’re driving in the car.
I’ve found that when I use humor, we tend to connect & relate better.
I hope you find something that works!
Thanks for the suggestions featherina. My daughter comes to me all the time and we discuss such things. My son – any excuse to extend bedtime works…I think that’s why they can be more receptive at that time. Having a couple of hyperactive kids, the regular structured FHE often didn’t go well. Can you plan activities out of the house and incorporated along the way? Such as, pick out a movie with values you want to emphasize, say a prayer before, talk about the value topic on the way to the movie, see the movie, get a treat, and discuss aspects of how the movie fit the topic on the way home. That is one we utilized. Or go do a service project together, use same format. I’ll try to think of how we did the other things. Also, we had to move FHE around due to work schedules, so it wasn’t always on Monday night. Sometimes it ended up being Saturday afternoon. My problem is also that I don’t like structure. I’m more creative and artistic. So, the idea of a structured meeting on a specific night each week on a canned topic really doesn’t give me goosebumps…and taken with my wife’s indifference, it makes it really hard. I am finding that the most high-impact teaching is when there is an issue facing the family, or an individual, and they come to you to talk about it. For example, in the pool this evening, I spent over 1/2 hour discussing how my daughter would cope with living with a YW who is rather nasty in her comments. Due to life circumstances, they will be staying together for a full week, day in, day out. This turned into a lesson about how to have a firm, fair, and friendly conversation with someone when they are repeatedly offensive. How to share concerns without being offensive.
It led to role plays, as well as some discussion about when to be firm and honest, and when to just let things slide.
There was no prayer, but it was a highly meaningful conversation where my daughter learned a few things, but ultimately, walked away with her own assessment of what she would do.
As a convert, I always felt the purpose of FHE was to teach things that would stick with your family long after. Something they can draw upon. Plus creating good memories. It sounds like you are accomplishing that doing it your way. Whatever works to help your family stick together and want to continue sticking together. That’s how we did it. While I am engaged I’m not married yet(obviously lol). I do remember FHE growing up all my life though. My parents were very big on it. Honestly I had my sincere likes and dislikes with it. I loved being with the family together learning new things. I didn’t like the monotony of it. We had it whether we liked it or were busy with school work or not. There was no flexiabity and often little creativity. I think working around those issues of inflexible structure and lack of creativity is the way I want to go. I had some truly inspiring FHE though. I never regret any time I had with the family together. I too don’t liked canned topics lol. Sometimes my father would just throw away the lesson and go with what works for the family at the moment. Followed by a family game together. Ultimately I think it best to each figure out our own families needs and likes and to enjoy a family moment together, rather then canned response lessons. If we have a creative side I would say it can and should be used here.
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