Temple recommend…or not?

[Anonymous]

So our recommends expired about 2 months ago. Since it was the holidays, December passed without much discussion or drama about it. In the last 3 weeks however, my DW and I have had many long and serious discussions about making the appointment with the bishopric. This has been a little traumatic for her, bringing up the feelings again of “is our eternal marriage valid, if your feelings about the church can change maybe your feelings about me will change as well, etc…”. Through a lot of love and open communications I think we are past most of that, and FWIW she has been generally supportive of me on this journey, but the whole recommend thing seems like it could set off a chain reaction in other areas of our life.

She wants a recommend and I support her fully in that regard. Last time we renewed I felt like I sat there and lied twice…something I am not willing to do again. I have read and re-read the temple recommend section in “How to Stay LDS…” many times. I feel I could go in and answer affirmatively and even honestly by “spinning” the answers as outlined, but still not sure if that is being true to myself at this moment.

The real dilemma is I feel a very real risk of being “outed” when my wife shows up for a recommend and I don’t. My bishop is my business partner, I live in my childhood hometown, I am a Scoutmaster and love my calling (especially since I have 4 sons!). I honestly am way beyond what others think of me at this point, but see no reason to complicate these relationships and activities in my life. I see value in the church, I honor the church for what it has provided me, some days I even love the church. Every day I love the members in my ward, especially my bishop. I love them so much I don’t want to challenge or create doubt in their minds or hearts regarding the church. I believe that each person gets to proceed on this journey in their own perfect time and way. This goes even for my DW, and she knows I have no expectation for her to follow my lead in doubting. If she asks, I give her my sources but I never “educate her” or tell her what she should and should’nt believe.

So what are your experiences with attending or avoiding temple recommend interviews? How to support a spouse without the raised eyebrows and inevitable questions from the bishopric? Or what to say if/when those questions arise? I read a post earlier from George that I think summed up some of my concerns: “I’m not worthy to remain, I’m a danger in the church, because I question things. For what it’s worth, go slow and say little, until you choose the trail you will follow. Consider before you speak to church leadership. The bad stuff could get worse…” My life now isn’t bad, as a matter of fact it is quite beautiful…but this issue has the potential be a bit sticky!

[Anonymous]

I choose not to deal with having a TR. I haven’t had one in about 4 or 5 years. My DW is ex-mo so I don’t quite have the same relationship dynamic, but I do attend Church, am active and hold callings. I have nothing against the temple. I feel completely worthy. But I think I am a little too far in deviation from the Church’s expectations for a recommend. I respect that. It’s their building. I am not comfortable stretching a couple of my answers enough either, like you. I still love the ideas, symbol and metaphor there with full knowledge of the history and development of the practice. I also received my original endowments when they still had the penalties, and it didn’t bother me much. I don’t want to get into all that. It’s not the point of this thread, but I wanted to give some brief background.

The “How to Stay” article is of course just a collection of ideas and possible strategies. It’s mostly to help people start thinking about how to stay. If some aren’t right for you, that’s the right answer.

I have taken a straight-forward approach. I don’t tell people at Church everything I think different, but I do make it clear that I am different on some level. How do I deal with the requests for TR interviews? I politely decline and tell them I am not interested right now in doing that. This past summer I roomed with a brother in the Bishopric at Girls Camp. We were volunteering there for a couple days together. We had a lot of time to talk in between hauling trash and moving equipment for the sisters. He pushed a few times, kind of wanting to dig for more details. I make sure to let people know that I love the Church and love being a part of it (which is true). That cushions a lot what I follow up with. I told him I do not pay tithing and don’t see that changing in the near future. I also told him it wasn’t my focus at the moment to have a TR. There really is only so far they should push someone to have a TR that is communicating that they are NOT in that mindset to have one. Most leaders know that. It’s really counter to the spirit of temple attendance.

So anyway, I found that being open and setting firm boundaries … I mean really being firm! about my boundaries goes a long way. I know what you mean about all the “raised eyebrows” but I figure it is better if I control potential rumors by telling it like it is and making it clear that I am happy to discuss things with people. That takes all the hot air out of gossip. People at Church know my wife no longer believes. When they as why she isn’t in Church I tell them why — she doesn’t believe anymore. I know why she doesn’t. She has rational reasons, but I make different conclusions about what it all means for me. I am in Church.

Not having a TR eliminates me from callings I would probably be uncomfortable doing anyway, or that I am not interested in. I don’t want to be in any presidencies or bishoprics. So that is actually good — working as intended, as they say in the computer world.

Hands down, the hardest aspect is learning to be happy and comfortable with myself and NOT CARING what others think. Easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Brian Johnston wrote:

I don’t tell people at Church everything I think different, but I do make it clear that I am different on some level.

Yeah. Inbeing, being “not outed” is a bad place to be. You don’t need to dump your issues on everybody, but Brian is right that you will be happiest keeping the authentic best you forward. Some words I have used with those in leadership and close family are “I’m not a debunker at heart, but I see everything differently now. I want you to understand that”.

So, yes. I do have a recommend. I go into the interview. I tell them in no uncertain terms that I am a heretic. Then I answer the questions honestly:

[Anonymous]

I always answer, “To the best of my ability” on at least two questions, and I answer the questions with a simple yes or no otherwise – based on what the questions mean to me. I never lie or stretch the truth, and I always have a recommend.

The questions are the questions. They are NOT launching pads for deep conversation and thesis statements. I don’t care one bit whether or not the person doing the interviewing understands the nuances of my how I reach my answers. That wasn’t my job when I was asking the questions, and it’s not their job when they’re asking me the questions.

Sometimes we simply over-think things and make them much harder than they need to be.

[Anonymous]

Since our son was born, logistics have prevented my DW and I from attending the temple on a regular basis. In fact, the only time we go now is when a family member gets married. We went almost two years without recommends before getting them renewed. During the whole time, I felt I could honestly answer all of the questions correctly. As I said in my intro, the only question I struggle with is supporting the local leadership. But I’ve come to interpret “support” as being willing to lend a hand whenever they ask for help, which I’m more than happy to do when I’m able to, and not necessarily agreeing with every crazy thing they say.

The only thing that caused me to raise an eyebrow the last time I went in for a TR interview, the member of the stake presidency who interviewed me noticed that my old recommend had expired a long time ago. He knows about my family’s logistical problems, but he still gave me a lecture of the importance of having a current temple recommend, even if I can’t always use it. His explanation wasn’t very satisfying. He made it sound like it was easier from an administrative standpoint. I know the stake keeps track of members with active recommends and reports those figures downtown, and it sounded like not having an active TR when I was worthy of one hurts the stake’s numbers. I figured that if HF knows that I’m worthy, why does it matter if anyone else knows? The numbers-driven approach to church administration has bugged me ever since I was a missionary and it’s still something I struggle to make peace with.

[Anonymous]

I usually will go to a counselor in the bishopric rather than the bishop for a temple recommend interview. Especially since the bishop is your business partner, it might be easier to ask a counselor if he can help you.

[Anonymous]

I believe the temple is meant to be a symbolic experience. And so I keep all these questions you raise in that light.

To me, going to the temple symbolizes wanting to be in a place where there is God’s love.

I want that. I am not stretching any answers to questions, or going through the motions mindlessly…but truly taking the symbolic meaning to provide an experience for me. I also believe God’s love can be felt outside the temple, but that doesn’t make the temple worthless for me either.

The recommend symbolizes the worthiness to seek God’s love. Do I want that? Yes I do. Do I think I need a card in my wallet to get that, no I don’t. But it doesn’t mean I must reject the church’s symbolic temple recommend card and refuse to hold one, and so I hold one. They could take that away from me if they want, but they can’t take away my faith I still want to be worthy to receive God’s love…and so the cards and the interviews do not scare me.

I can hold one in my wallet, but let go of literal interpretations that that is my passport to heaven. It goes deeper than that, and I would think any church leader would agree with me on that.

I’ve thought through similar questions you posed that I’ve had over the past year, and that seems to be where I arrived at for me to answer the questions. However, the experience of going to the temple has been less than ideal for me…but that is another thread…suffice it to say, like many things in my life, although it is not an “ideal” situation, it is not a completely worthless situation for me to attend the temple. And so I keep seeking God’s love…

[Author]

Posts