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It has been about 3 years since my disaffection with the Mormon Church started. I am a BIC male, served a mission, married in the temple and a father. I actually began to doubt the Church when I heard John’s interview with Todd Compton and started to read his book. I was literally blown away when I discovered Joseph Smith was marrying married women in secret and most likely had sexual relations with them. This started me down a road of discovery, which uncovered other conflicts with what I thought I knew and reality. It kept me up at night thinking about if I had be deceived by a very good con artist whose legacy was a false religion to which my family had been swept up in. Wrestling with one inconsistency after another, I thought there must be answers to the many troubling questions somewhere. Unfortunately, I only found more questions and even confirmations of disturbing information on apologetic websites. Though my testimony has since left I don’t blame John for it. These are things I should have been taught, should have been allowed to struggle with and learn as I grew up in the Church. However, I was allowed to remain ignorant of them for what I believe was the convenience of my leaders.
I still attend Church but have limited my involvement with it. I no longer feel comfortable giving priesthood blessings, going to the Temple, giving testimony of the Church, or even Home Teaching. I find myself at odds with my wife who is trying to be understanding but refuses to think too deeply about the difficult parts of Mormon history and thus I’m left on my own to deal with it. Many things that trouble me could be rationalized away but my conscience will not allow it to happen.
One unfortunate consequence of my loss of testimony is that I no longer enjoy Church. Instead of leaving spiritually fed each Sunday I feel frustration and spiritually drained. The same feelings accompany General Conference. I can not any longer take anything said by General Authorities of the Church too seriously because I know too many times they speak from their own hearts when members trust they are speaking for God. This realization saddens me most of all. Unable to believe the words of the prophet anymore, I have to trust my own good judgment and what it tells me. I feel that if God is just he will not condemn me for staying true to my conscience, even when that may force me to think differently than my LDS friends and family.
I see the Church slowly being more open, though it mostly depends on others to do the opening and sits back to watch the results. Richard Bushman’s book and the position he currently holds in the Church would be one good example, FAIR would be another. There are several others but I won’t waste space listing them here. While I believe my unquestioning testimony will never be part of my spiritual life again, I hope that a day will come when I can look positively on the LDS faith and enjoy being part of its community if for nothing else the sake of family and my own peace of mind.
Kinderhook08, Welcome. I think you will like it here. All are gentle and intentional about being at peace with what is so here, in the church, and in ourselves and families. In this case it seems that ignorance WAS bliss and you are no longer ignorant of historical information. May you have peace for the day, you are in a good place here. Kinderhook08, Your story is my story. Your frustration is my frustration. Your ideal is my ideal. Different details, same journey. Hopefully this board will give us the support we need and help us buy time as we reach upward and forge a new and positive relationship with the church.
KM
Kinderhook08, Welcome. I can definitely relate to the not enjoying church anymore, attitude. As a natural skeptic, I find myself focusing on everything people say in church and looking for what is wrong with it. However, I’ve found this attitude to be unhelpful. I find that if I try to focus on the good things that are said in church, I can come away with something good most of the time. For me, after allowing myself to question all the beliefs that I grew up holding so strongly, and not finding any satisfactory answers anywhere, I decided that if I wanted to stay LDS (which is why I’m involved here), I needed to try to let go of the problems I see with the church’s doctrine & practices, and focus on the good things that can be had at church, like giving service and teaching basic, good Christian principles of charity and love. I’m well aware that you don’t get these kind of things in every sacrament meeting or lesson in the church, but I find that looking for the good, rather than the bad, helps me get along.
Welcome, k08. All of us understand what has caused you to struggle. I hope this forum is helpful for you. K08 – Welcome. I’m sure you will enjoy the forum, and your insights will be appreciated. You mentioned how little you enjoy church since your disaffection. Are there some components that are better than others? I posted a thread called “Giving Spiritual Alms” yesterday that deals with finding goodness in church independent of what is said or taught. You might find it interesting. Hi K08, Welcome to the group. Thanks for your heartfelt introduction. Your story is so familiar. You are not alone, and you are following a path you must follow. Some of us have to know. We have to question. We have to ask. We are made that way. It is my belief that God made us this way, so we are fullfilling our destiny to travel this path.
Kinderhook08 wrote:I can not any longer take anything said by General Authorities of the Church too seriously because I know too many times they speak from their own hearts when members trust they are speaking for God. This realization saddens me most of all. Unable to believe the words of the prophet anymore, I have to trust my own good judgment and what it tells me. I feel that if God is just he will not condemn me for staying true to my conscience, even when that may force me to think differently than my LDS friends and family.
This comment just hit me like a pile of bricks. You are right that a large number of active members view their words as direct from God. It is a difficult realization to process, but think about it. You are now responsible and must use your own good judgment. GA’s are speaking from their own heart. That doesn’t mean God isn’t speaking through them to you, it just isn’t literally so. There might no message for you at all sometimes. There might be a different message than the words they are saying. You have to decide what God is saying to you, not what someone else tells you He is saying. That is a truly powerful change. It is painful, but it is good. You are responsible now. You are free.
Will God condem you for thinking, being independent and doing what you believe is right? I think you see the same answer that I do. I don’t think God’s ultimate goal is to develop billions and billions of dependents, people that need to ask him for everything. That is not spiritual maturity. We will all have the cord cut at some point. Even Jesus on the Cross was abandoned in the end, not for lack of love, but as vote of confidence in His ability as a savior.
We all go through this in different ways. The process is similar, the details are individual. It happens to people at different times in their life. It is good to learn how to be patient and loving towards people who are at different places in faith. Give acceptance and patience we would like to receive (even if it isn’t always reciprocated). I try to think of it that way.
Welcome Kinderhook! I share the thoughts expressed and hope you will find this community helpful. I also went through a “crisis” very similar to what you describe. You should feel good about having positive desires toward the church, and in wanting to enjoy participation again in the future. That desire is they key – what we talk about here are the mechanics of putting the key in the door, unlocking it, opening it, and walking in. Some of the things that I have personally found helpful in this process are (stated in general terms for all who may read):
Look for the Good – as JustMike said. Our focus makes a difference, as the old saying goes “attitude determines altitude.”
Meditate on the Metaphor – Look for “non-literal” meanings in everything you hear in church, and what you may read in church materials. Don’t worry about if your meanings are the same as what other members will take out of it, try to get something useful out of topics for yourself personally. This step was vital for me in my personal journey, although some meanings have begun to evolve – the initial strictly metaphorical interpretations were important for me to embrace.
Consider your overall purpose as building a positive relationship WITH the church (as KM alluded to) instead of feeling like a puzzle piece that needs to fit INTO the church. Personal responsibility and ownership play a role here, I think you’ll also find a lot of statements in the church that support this mindset of personal ownership. There is a good article here:
http://www.fairlds.org/FAIR_Conferences/2005_Faith_Cognitive_Dissonance_and_the_Psychology_of_Religious_Experience.html I like how Dr. Ulrich says disillusionment is a positive thing, we should want to rid ourselves of illusion. Even though I recognize that the church is not exactly what I personally thought it was in my youth – I see it as a positive organization and one that I want to be involved with. Wendy’s relationship stages are also helpful to consider, looking toward stage 4 or “renewal.” This is not “going back” to the “honeymoon” or any previous stage, it is instead moving forward to a new and mature positive relationship where differences can be more effectively dealt with.
I think it’s also essential for people to let go of the “absolutist” or “all-or-nothing” mindset. Too often a crisis will move us from thinking “it’s all true” toward “it’s all false.” Reality will place us in the middle of the two extremes. With time and practice in cultivating the right thoughts we can learn to have charity for those who see and speak from the absolutist mindset. It is a stage in spiritual maturation (I also highly recommend Fowler’s “Stages of Faith”).
I’m sure there are more points that escape me at the moment, you’ll find them pop up here and there I’m sure.
Again welcome!
Hello and Welcome, Not to sound like a broken record, but I am definitely in line with all your points…thanks for sharing…this is a good place for you to be.
I am especially similiar to you re Sunday feelings and also re hearing of talks. I hope that this somewhat “negative” phase will soon pass for both of us, and then we can move onto being less “absolutist” etc.
Im just a little different to you in the sense that my dh went through this several years ago and at that time I was like your DW…then prop 8 started up and the direction of the church totally spun me out and started me discovering what I did and did not truely believe…then the research occured…then the loss of big chunks of my testimony…then the start of grieving which comes and goes in waves and for which many TBMs do not get, Its hard, but at least this forum is here to help!
I recently heard someone comment that they thought 09 was going to be hard for them as they have some major exams in front of them…then someone else encouraged that person by saying “just stay positive and remember that when doing anything hard, great growth results”…that kind of stayed with me for sometime as I too do believe that it is via hardships that often wonderful personal growth results…here is hoping anyway!
Kinderhook08 wrote:It has been about 3 years since my disaffection with the Mormon Church started. I am a BIC male, served a mission, married in the temple and a father. I actually began to doubt the Church when I heard John’s interview with Todd Compton and started to read his book. I was literally blown away when I discovered Joseph Smith was marrying married women in secret and most likely had sexual relations with them. This started me down a road of discovery, which uncovered other conflicts with what I thought I knew and reality. It kept me up at night thinking about if I had be deceived by a very good con artist whose legacy was a false religion to which my family had been swept up in.Wrestling with one inconsistency after another, I thought there must be answers to the many troubling questions somewhere. Unfortunately, I only found more questions and even confirmations of disturbing information on apologetic websites. Though my testimony has since left I don’t blame John for it. These are things I should have been taught, should have been allowed to struggle with and learn as I grew up in the Church. However, I was allowed to remain ignorant of them for what I believe was the convenience of my leaders.
I understand what you’re saying, it reminds me when before joining the church i was a former mainstream christian & there are so many pastors, assist.pastors having affairs this new of Joseph Smith did not phase me, but I different from other church members do not hold him as a high priest/prophet type of person.
however consider thease points:
*He WAS chosen by God ,like the phrophets of old,to deliever the gopel Jesus sent to us from his father.
*He was ONLY a man, not a god, so we should not worship him like we donot worship old prophets of the bible, but we DO acknowledge the service he has done for God.
A lot of members look down on this because they think I am not greatful or thankful for what he’s done or the church ,but I truly am, but put God first above man, I put the bible first then the book of mormon,etc….
but that’s all I will say for now.
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