The calling I don’t want has finally come

[Anonymous]

So I’ve been making steady inroads back into engagement with the church. Almost two years ago, thanks to the support of this board, I baptized my oldest son. Then I blessed my new baby. Shortly after that, I accepted a minor calling—committee member for a big dinner our stake throws for the seniors every year. A while later, I accepted another calling—nursery leader. I’ve been enjoying that one quite a bit. I’ve even taught some lessons and felt ridiculous amounts of anxiety about how to present those tiny, simple lessons to a bunch of toddlers. Haha. But I’ve mostly gotten over that, and I enjoy playing with the kids.

All the stuff that’s happened so far has mostly involved me and hasn’t taken me too far out of my comfort zone. But now they’re asking me to work with the 11-year-old scouts. Not too bad, I suppose. But still hard for me to contemplate. I have a few reasons to think about turning down the calling:

[Anonymous]

Ahh – Good luck. I won’t even speculate what you should do, but three cheers for the joy you have found up till now. You will make a good choice, I don’t doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Best of luck on your decision. If you do accept, I hope in the end it isn’t guilt that prods you to accept.

One comment. The 11 year old scouts (per the handbook) are only to camp 3 times a year. You might ask to just attend with the 11 year old scouts (often refered to as EOS – Eleven-year Old Scouts) for maybe 2 weeks to get a better feel.

[Anonymous]

I have a few considerations for you.

1. The person calling you to the position will have invested only a few minutes in inviting you to take the calling. You will then have to do the calling for an indeterminate length of time. And if it gets drudgerous, you will have to go through the guilt of asking for a release — which the leaders may well take forever to execute.

2. You want your life to be full of service, and HAPPINESS at the same time. Will this calling accomplish that?

3. If not, what are some ways you can be happy, and help the Ward meet its needs at the same time? This is where you should be serving — not in a calling that is not a good fit with your six kids.

4. The Six Kids factor is a huge one — that must take a horrendous amount of time. I would seriously consider whether you can handle it.

5. Scouting encourages parental involvement in activities. That is one way you can be involved in 11 year old boy scouting in a way that is important, without the burden of the calling.

6. In spite of whatever guilt culture exists in our church, you are still a volunteer in the eyes of the law. As a volunteer, you give as a free will offering, and that to me, implies its your choice, free of guilt, whether to accept this calling.

Good luck.

SD

[Anonymous]

I liked how you worded this:

Quote:

I’m aware how whiny that sounds. I have reasons to accept the calling, too:

Giving back. We get a lot from church. My oldest boy likes cub scouts, and I appreciate the time his leaders take to teach and guide him. In general, I like the idea of helping the ward out where I’m needed. Anyway, I can’t think of any other callings I would actually enjoy besides nursery.

My boy will be in that troop in a little over a year. Even though I have no desire to be involved with scouts, at least I would be spending time with him, and I can have some influence on how his troop is run. Maybe I can even take him with me right now, even though he’s technically too young.

Giving back is a great attitude.

One consideration:

– A few years ago they called me to this position when my son was 10. What I learned is that while the church program officially brings boys into scouts at 11, BSA says you can join at 10. So…I brought my son along with me. He fulfilled all the requirements to advance in ranks and get merit badges, though he didn’t go to Courts of Honor to get any. While the church program does BSA a little different, there is some gray area because the rest of BSA troops allow 10 year olds.

It was my way of making a compromise that I was willing to serve and give back, but I also treasure being with my kids first and foremost. So as long as they let me spend time with my son, I spent time advancing the other 11 yr olds to 1st Class by the time they were 12. I brought my son with me on the overnighters and he stayed with me in my tent.

I didn’t get any push back from any other parents, or the bishop. They knew I was protective of time with my family, so finding a way to make it work for them and for me was something they understood.

If they would have been sticklers, telling me my son couldn’t join…I would have likely not been able to do it.

One more word of advice…if you can…don’t take that calling on alone. Try to get another parent or leader in there always with you. It’s hard to do solo, and actually shouldn’t be done. Should always be 2 leaders at every activity.

[Anonymous]

On taking your 10 year old son along. If that is what you want, then tell them up front that it is a requirement for you to accept the calling. Remind them that the older handbook of instruction had some flexibility in this area.

And I had an assumption that you would be helping WITH someone else. I agree that you don’t to this alone. You need to feel comfortable with this other person. There is a ramp-up on all the details of scouting and if you don’t get stuff recorded correctly on the boy’s progress – it can bite him in the butt when he is 17.999 years old and trying to get his Eagle. Suddenly the council says, “we have no record of him being a registered scout during the time he got this badge/advancement.” Recipe for really pissed off parents.

And I wouldn’t accept the calling if you don’t think you can be relatively reliable.

[Anonymous]

LookingHard wrote:

get stuff recorded correctly on the boy’s progress – it can bite him in the butt when he is 17.999 years old and trying to get his Eagle. Suddenly the council says, “we have no record of him being a registered scout during the time he got this badge/advancement.” Recipe for really pissed off parents.

That is my story. I did an eagle project and everything, but shame on me for waiting until 3 weeks prior to my 18th birthday, shame on the scout leaders for not recording my merit badges I completed properly, and shame on the council for failing me when I did all the work.

The biggest reason I could give a flying fig whether my boys get eagle (which neither will). Some council members feel they need to uphold the integrity of the program and that is how they do it. I get that. But still stings when they let me do a eagle project for nothing. So…good advice on documenting it so it doesn’t bit you in the butt later.

[Anonymous]

I turned down a similar calling.

DW and I had been team teaching the 4 yr olds in primary with much success. Then the new year hit and the ward schedule conflicted with my work schedule.

I assume that the local church leadership sought to give me a calling that would not require Sunday attendance thus scouting.

Unfortunately, my son is not yet 8 and this would involve a sacrifice of family time. I would be inclined to accept if DS was attending.

It just didn’t fit me at the moment. I told the bishopric member that I needed to pray about it over night (standard in my home for all big decisions or major purchases) and got back to him that I needed to decline the call.

[Anonymous]

I agree with LookingHard…… don’t let guilt be the reason to accept the calling. It will not be good for you or the kids in the long run.

[Anonymous]

LookingHard wrote:

Best of luck on your decision. If you do accept, I hope in the end it isn’t guilt that prods you to accept.

It’s so hard to separate the guilt from all my other feelings. I can’t just turn it off. Where does my guilt and and my desire to give back to the ward begin? I don’t know.

LookingHard wrote:

One comment. The 11 year old scouts (per the handbook) are only to camp 3 times a year.

That’s good to know. I was told they are simple overnighters, as well. I can probably handle that three times a year.

SilentDawning wrote:

I have a few considerations for you.

1. The person calling you to the position will have invested only a few minutes in inviting you to take the calling. You will then have to do the calling for an indeterminate length of time. And if it gets drudgerous, you will have to go through the guilt of asking for a release — which the leaders may well take forever to execute.

Good point. I have little doubt this calling will be drudgerous at times. I don’t have much desire to be teaching scouting stuff to 11-year-old kids. If I could take my son with me, I think it would be tolerable.

SilentDawning wrote:

2. You want your life to be full of service, and HAPPINESS at the same time. Will this calling accomplish that?

Sometimes I don’t think I’m a great judge of what will make me happy. Sometimes I get something I think I wanted, only to find out that it wasn’t as great as I thought, or I wanted it for the wrong reasons and having it now feels hollow. Sometimes you have to do hard things to reap greater happiness down the road, and it’s hard to know which hard things are going to reap the rewards and which ones are going to end up sapping the life out of you.

SilentDawning wrote:

3. If not, what are some ways you can be happy, and help the Ward meet its needs at the same time? This is where you should be serving — not in a calling that is not a good fit with your six kids.

In some ways, the scouting program is a good fit for me—better than teaching Sunday school, for example—because I don’t have to worry about doctrinal stuff at all. I can teach knots and fire safety with a free conscience. So it has that going for it. As for being happy . . . yeah. I can’t think of a calling I would really enjoy right now. I enjoy being in the nursery, so that’s nice. Otherwise, I have no idea. There are probably callings I would enjoy, but I don’t know what they are.

SilentDawning wrote:

4. The Six Kids factor is a huge one — that must take a horrendous amount of time. I would seriously consider whether you can handle it.

This is definitely a big deal. There is a lot of mental and emotional stress that comes from something as seemingly simple as getting six little kids fed and put in bed. Some people say after the third or fourth kid, it doesn’t get much harder. But everyone’s parenting experience is different. For us, it feels as though it’s gotten exponentially harder with each kid. Our last was unplanned, and at times it feels like the stress is breaking us. Like you’re just trying to keep your head above water and not do any permanent harm to someone. Other times feel like pure joy. The rollercoaster ride itself generates its own kind of stress.

I have several hobbies that I’ve slowly given up over the past few years, because it feels irresponsible to be leaving my wife home alone with the kids all day. My dear, lovely wife always wanted to be a mom and doesn’t want to do anything else. But she struggles a lot. We’re lucky not to have any depression going on. But the chronic stress and lack of sleep get to you. Sometimes you hardly even feel human. I can’t go off having fun with my friends while she struggles with six drunk monkeys and ends up crying because the baby won’t stop fussing, the 7-year-old peed on the couch again, the 2-year old peed on the floor again, the 6- and 10-year-old won’t stop fighting… etc. (Yes, all those things happened tonight.)

Alright, enough complaining. You get the picture. It’s not always as bad as it sounds. But it’s definitely not trivial.

Heber13 wrote:

– A few years ago they called me to this position when my son was 10. What I learned is that while the church program officially brings boys into scouts at 11, BSA says you can join at 10. So…I brought my son along with me. He fulfilled all the requirements to advance in ranks and get merit badges, though he didn’t go to Courts of Honor to get any. While the church program does BSA a little different, there is some gray area because the rest of BSA troops allow 10 year olds.

It was my way of making a compromise that I was willing to serve and give back, but I also treasure being with my kids first and foremost. So as long as they let me spend time with my son, I spent time advancing the other 11 yr olds to 1st Class by the time they were 12. I brought my son with me on the overnighters and he stayed with me in my tent.

I didn’t get any push back from any other parents, or the bishop. They knew I was protective of time with my family, so finding a way to make it work for them and for me was something they understood.

I just looked on the BSA’s webpage, and it says you need to “Be a boy who is 11 years old, or one who has completed the fifth grade or earned the Arrow of Light Award and is at least 10 years old, but is not yet 18 years old.” So I’d need to get my boy advanced up through his Arrow of Light before he could join the scout troop. I think he’s working on his Bear right now.

Heber13 wrote:

One more word of advice…if you can…don’t take that calling on alone. Try to get another parent or leader in there always with you. It’s hard to do solo, and actually shouldn’t be done. Should always be 2 leaders at every activity.

My understanding is that there’s another troop leader from another ward already working with the boys. They are calling me because we have three wards combined into one troop, and the other ward is frustrated that we don’t have anyone there helping out. (We don’t have any 11-year-old boys currently in the troop, but we will next year.)

Roy wrote:

I turned down a similar calling.

DW and I had been team teaching the 4 yr olds in primary with much success. Then the new year hit and the ward schedule conflicted with my work schedule.

I assume that the local church leadership sought to give me a calling that would not require Sunday attendance thus scouting.

Unfortunately, my son is not yet 8 and this would involve a sacrifice of family time. I would be inclined to accept if DS was attending.

It just didn’t fit me at the moment. I told the bishopric member that I needed to pray about it over night (standard in my home for all big decisions or major purchases) and got back to him that I needed to decline the call.

Thanks for sharing. You give me courage. Did you give a reason for declining the call? How did that go down?

[Anonymous]

I think you may like it. I had this calling several years ago and it was not bad…the 11 year old boys are goofy, on the cusp of young adulthood, and easily entertained. The advancement tasks are simple and not difficult to teach. When things got boring we’d work on the “football badge” and just throw the football around. They really liked this

I always dreaded the new calling. I was often at the point that I really didn’t want one (eventually served as a counselor in the bishopric, sheesh) and I can say this was not a bad one. Once or twice a year a campout for a night, not bad. I don’t like camping at all.

Anyway, I never liked scouts as a kid and still don’t like it. But Webelos or whatever they are calling it now is not bad. In fact, I have fond memories of that time…but once I got into real scouting as a kid I hated it. This is a fun age and you can really leave a lasting impression if you are laid back, let them have fun, and don’t take things too seriously. You may really like it.

[Anonymous]

Remember, “no” is a complete sentence. If you do turn down the job, no further explanation is needed.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been straddling the fence on whether to post. Here goes.

I was blessed with a few months of well deserved (in my mind) vacation from callings earlier this year. When the leaders finally scratched the itch and extended me a calling it was the same calling that was extended to you. I wasn’t initially enthusiastic about the call. There wasn’t much apparent inspiration behind the call, it was a cut and dry case of a family moving out and a need to have their callings restaffed. I asked for time to think and pray about it and I was genuine, I did just that.

Well before the answer came lots of emergencies occurred in my extended family. Family took priority. I let the leaders know what was going on and in my case there was no question. These were real emergencies that required undivided attention.

I’ve been without a church calling for about 7 months now. As strange as it sounds I desperately want to get back to serving in a calling in church. My family crisis still hasn’t abated, I’m still providing a service where it counts the most. All the same, just like you I’d feel better if I felt like I was contributing in some way.

One piece of advice that I often see is that if you are in a position to turn down a calling it’s nice to give leaders suggestions of things that you’d like to do. That’s a hard piece of advice for me because there have been times where I’ve felt like I have absolutely nothing to give that the church would be willing to accept. That’s been a tough realization for me. It’s not all one sided, there are a finite number of callings in the church and I don’t feel like any of them speak to me. Somebody has to scrub the toilets in life, and most of the service that I’ve given to the church during this wanted but unwanted 7 month sabbatical has been exactly that. :angel:

[Anonymous]

Quote:

SilentDawning wrote:

4. The Six Kids factor is a huge one — that must take a horrendous amount of time. I would seriously consider whether you can handle it.

This is definitely a big deal. There is a huge portion of the world that will never know the mental and emotional stress that comes from something as seemingly simple as getting six little kids fed and put in bed. Some people say after the third or fourth kid, it doesn’t get much harder. But everyone’s parenting experience is different. For us, it feels as though it’s gotten exponentially harder with each kid. Our last was unplanned, and at times it feels like the stress is breaking us. Like you’re just trying to keep your head above water and not do any permanent harm to someone. Other times feel like pure joy. The rollercoaster ride itself generates its own kind of stress.

I have several hobbies that I’ve slowly given up over the past few years, because it feels irresponsible to be leaving my wife home alone with the kids all day. My dear, lovely wife always wanted to be a mom and doesn’t want to do anything else. But she struggles a lot. We’re lucky not to have any depression going on. But the chronic stress and lack of sleep get to you. Sometimes you hardly even feel human. I can’t go off having fun with my friends while she struggles with six drunk monkeys and ends up crying because the baby won’t stop fussing, the 7-year-old peed on the couch again, the 2-year old peed on the floor again, the 6- and 10-year-old won’t stop fighting… etc. (Yes, all those things happened tonight.)

I see these comments are vitally important in your decision. There needs to be time for self-renewal!!!

[Anonymous]

Scouting, when done right, can consume a lot of time. The full package of scouting training can take a couple of weeks. And you need to get that training, for your and the kids’ safety.

One thing that I remember from my time as an assistant scoutmaster was a YM/scout leader training where they said that LDS scout troops had at least 2x more accidents during activities as non LDS troops. The church chalked it up to untrained, inexperienced, leaders. “The Three T’s” was the theme: Training, Tenure, and Testimony. With the first 2 emphasised.

If you’re not feeling up to it, don’t commit to it.

[Author]

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