The Dark Side of Commitment

[Anonymous]

I would like to explore another reason I have trouble staying fully active in the church — deep commitment (sounds strange, but its ironic, read on).

I am usually really committed to whatever I do. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. If there is a result I want to achieve, and its a lot of work to achieve it, I embrace the work (provided i believe its effective work). I push myself so hard, and exert such discipline, it hurts. If I fail at an initiative, I try to learn from often trying version 2.0 and even 3.0 until I get it right.

And then, given the strong contributions I’m making, I start expecting people to reciprocate with at least minmum levels of kindness and appreciation. If they get uncivil, or mean, or political, or hurtful, I almost completely disengage due to feeling an incredible lack of support and appreciation for the sacrifices I’m making for the organization. At times, I have even withdrawn my service and once, told the leaders I am no longer serving in the position as a result (HPGL).

Looking at this introspectively, I think it’s because I’m so disturbed and hurt by the thankless, hurtful behavior, I want the organization to feel the effects of losing my commitment. I think part of my hopes they will learn from the experience that when people give of their time freely -they deserve minimal levels of kindness, appreciation, sometimes, reciprocity when THEY have a need, and also — empowerment.

One solution is to just contribute minimally — that way I have no expectation from others. But I find this hard to do. I want challenging assignments that expand my knowledge and help the organization at the same time.

So, that’s a pretty good assessment of a major stumbling block for my commitment in the church.

Now some will say “you should give without expecting anything in return”. I think that is true to a point. However, there does come a point when the emotional costs of serving an organization exceed the service benefits such as self-actualization, feeling good about how you spend your free time, and the results you achieve. Even the early Apostles during their own ministries, left towns that were full of mean people that would not listen or treat them with courtesy.

Anyway, have you ever experienced this side of commitment, has it ever hurt your own willingness to serve? Is it even desireable to want to send a message to the leadership about the need for kindness and appreciation and civility in relationships? And if so, how might one do so that doesn’t also hurt their own commitment?

[Anonymous]

Thankfully, I have rarely experienced the kind of discourtesy that you describe in my callings. Whenever something negative happens within the context of my calling it usually due to thoughtlessness rather than meanness. I think within the Church so many us are busy with our own callings/volunteer efforts that it easy to lose sight of the efforts that others are also putting out.

Quote:

Now some will say “you should give without expecting anything in return”. I think that is true to a point. However, there does come a point when the emotional costs of serving an organization exceed the service benefits such as self-actualization, feeling good about how you spend your free time, and the results you achieve. Even the early Apostles during their own ministries, left towns that were full of mean people that would not listen or treat them with courtesy.

That said, I also think it is okay to be human and acknowledge that few of us will continue in meekness and mildness while being kicked continually. My advice (which I confess I rarely follow) is to try and bring these issues to the attention of those in charge or even to the offenders themselves. A wise woman once said to me, “Bad behavior unchecked will continue.” Some people just don’t recognize what they do as bad behavior until it is pointed out. But this is easier to say than to do.

[Anonymous]

SD,

I agree that sometimes one should give without expecting anything in return. When we are asked to do stuff for needy investigators – I ask DW, “Are we ok not getting any return on what we are giving?” Are we ok if they never join the church or become self sufficient or pay us back in any way? Are we ok if they don’t even say thank you? If the answer is yes, then we do it. If the answer is no then we are more cautious.

This may sound selfish but I do not like unmet expectations. If I am giving to the point that I need something in return and that return doesn’t materialize then my heart withers.

With the church, I pretty much know what the church offers. I give what I feel is fair and sustainable for what I know that I am going to get. We give the LDS church more than any other church that we participate in but that is ok. It is our “home church” and our heritage.

I guess what I am saying is that it is ok and even smart to limit your commitment to whatever level is healthy and sustainable for you. The church will (almost) never place those limits for you.

[Anonymous]

I have given a lot over the years with no expectation of return – usually to individuals and sometimes to organizations. Like Roy, I do so knowing fully I probably won’t get anything in return. Personally, I think it’s extremely important to be able and willing to do so.

However, I try always to set whatever limits on my giving I feel are necessary for my own well-being and that of my family. I make the applicable temple covenant willingly, but I do so with the internal understanding that even that covenant is subject to limits relative to my family. Ultimately, I am responsible for the results of my actions, so I weigh the likely results as well as I can and make my decisions as an “agent unto myself”. It’s in our scriptures and theology – and just seems like common sense to me, so I feel fine doing it.

[Anonymous]

Old-Timer wrote:

However, I try always to set whatever limits on my giving I feel are necessary for my own well-being and that of my family. I make the applicable temple covenant willingly, but I do so with the internal understanding that even that covenant is subject to limits relative to my family. Ultimately, I am responsible for the results of my actions, so I weigh the likely results as well as I can and make my decisions as an “agent unto myself”. It’s in our scriptures and theology – and just seems like common sense to me, so I feel fine doing it.

Very much agree. There can be unhealthy people in and out of the church and those unhealthy people in leadership can definitely influence and deeply impact others. I have very firmly set boundaries in one calling in particular in the past. I was a counselor to a woman serving as president who was very passive-aggressive and manipulative in getting her own way. She did not have respect for others’ schedules. She was a stay at home mother who wanted a long (2-3 hour meeting) in the middle of a weekday every week with 2 members of her presidency having full time jobs. When we set our limits, she manipulated the bishop’s request to spend x amount of time (when the rescue effort was just getting underway) to send out an email detailing a schedule that neither I or the other person could begin to meet. The other person and I were doing very well at our callings, by the way, and meeting the needs of those we were serving. I made the mistake of calling the bishop’s counselor (should have made an appointment and spoken to the bishop myself when I was calmer). Very quick release and she called stay at home mothers to replace us. She also called an older stay at home mother to serve in an assistance position. Imagine her surprise when this person was very busy with her volunteer schedule and other things involving her family and would not participate in those long weekly middle of the day meetings either. This older mother told me the weekly meetings were really about playdates for their children.Her child was a teen. I am sure the men never realized any of this was going on behind the scenes and I think they thought poorly of me for being so uncooperative about the time involvement. This was the final straw for me when this happened as it had been happening since the very beginning of the calling. I could go on and on with examples, but some people are sharks whether they realize what they are doing or not. I did not need her appreciation or thank you’s. I loved serving those I was serving in this calling. But I was not going to allow myself to keep going through these ridiculous situations with her. I set my boundaries, fully realizing the release would be coming. However, I made it clear I was not asking to be released, but could not arrange my time in the manner she requested.

[Anonymous]

My answer to this topic is a cheesy reply, but I have found for me it works. I have begun making sure I express appreciation to others – a lot. I can’t change them. But I can be the Me – I wish others to be.

This dark side of commitment is not church only – my husband presently has a boss who is a nightmare, and the pay alone doesn’t compensate for the behavior. Yes, my husband could report to HR about it, but there is no guarantee it will make things better, yes he can look for a new job, in the meantime though we choose to have him stay employed. We are rather attached to the paycheck. And even if he gets a new job – no guarantee we won’t run into this again.

My kids have had rotten teachers or principals in school. Lousy co-workers and managers at jobs. It’s life.

For years I believed and practiced the idea that every one of those instances required me to battle back, to fight, to gripe, to whine, to take the problem up the ladder. Eventually where would I run to. Nirvana, Utopia, Zion doesn’t exist. I can’t live on an island by myself. So yes – I know my boundaries, in those boundaries I try to give generously or participate kindly. But I also now try to turn The Dark Side to the Light. Even if it’s just saying “Hello” and meaning it.

The war ends when we want it to end.

[Anonymous]

mom3 wrote:

My answer to this topic is a cheesy reply, but I have found for me it works. I have begun making sure I express appreciation to others – a lot. I can’t change them. But I can be the Me – I wish others to be. “

I like and agree with this totally.

“For years I believed and practiced the idea that every one of those instances required me to battle back, to fight, to gripe, to whine, to take the problem up the ladder. Eventually where would I run to. Nirvana, Utopia, Zion doesn’t exist. I can’t live on an island by myself. So yes – I know my boundaries, in those boundaries I try to give generously or participate kindly. But I also now try to turn The Dark Side to the Light. Even if it’s just saying “Hello” and meaning it.

The war ends when we want it to end.

And I like this. I guess, when I let the counselor in the bishopric know I absolutely could not work the time parameters out, that ended that war with my release. I was still able to say hello to this person and even be nice, but she will never know the stress she brought about with all this with other things, including serious health issues, going on in my life at the time. We can really damage each other in our church setting with the callings.

[Anonymous]

Gerald wrote:

Thankfully, I have rarely experienced the kind of discourtesy that you describe in my callings. Whenever something negative happens within the context of my calling it usually due to thoughtlessness rather than meanness. I think within the Church so many us are busy with our own callings/volunteer efforts that it easy to lose sight of the efforts that others are also putting out.

That said, I also think it is okay to be human and acknowledge that few of us will continue in meekness and mildness while being kicked continually. My advice (which I confess I rarely follow) is to try and bring these issues to the attention of those in charge or even to the offenders themselves. A wise woman once said to me, “Bad behavior unchecked will continue.” Some people just don’t recognize what they do as bad behavior until it is pointed out. But this is easier to say than to do.

This is very true. Sometimes people are very fired up with their goals and overlook the impact on others.

[Anonymous]

Before my comment seems like we should hide – I am not suggesting that – I agree with

Quote:

“Bad behavior unchecked will continue.”

I guess I just figure some divides can only be healed in time.

My husband and I see things differently. For instance we like non-complimentary colors – this makes decorating a room challenging. Early on in marriage we would struggle for days on that issue. Sometimes getting super upset. Each of us wanted a room we felt comfortable in. As mature adults we now have a way to handle it, but for a long time we couldn’t see each other’s point in the conversation. That is true with behavior. People don’t see it.

So yes pointing things out may help, but what happens if you have 18 years of rotten leadership (it happened in the Stake I am in). Universally the two back to back presidents were despised, endured, complained about behind their back – and there was nothing anyone could do. You couldn’t write Salt Lake and get a change, you could go inactive – but lots of people didn’t want to – this was their covenant church – sucky or not. So you had to figure out how to function, to look for the good, even with the bad. After 18 years – a new Stake President was put in – you could feel the change as he gave his first talk. We all breathed a collective sigh of hope. The hope was fulfilled and in the mean time many of us have put the old ugly history to bed.

So yes bad behavior can sometimes be checked, but when it can’t and when you feel obligated to remain (whether that’s at work, at church, in school, in a volunteer spot) try lightening some one else’s day. It really does help you find peace.

[Anonymous]

mom3 wrote:

Before my comment seems like we should hide – I am not suggesting that – I agree with

Quote:

“Bad behavior unchecked will continue.”

I guess I just figure some divides can only be healed in time.

So yes bad behavior can sometimes be checked, but when it can’t and when you feel obligated to remain (whether that’s at work, at church, in school, in a volunteer spot) try lightening some one else’s day. It really does help you find peace.

mom3, thanks for giving more explanation. This brought to mind a friend who once told me there are the visible leaders and then there are the invisible leaders who quietly go about their work and make a difference. It sounds like that is what you and others did in that 18 year situation. :thumbup:

[Author]

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