The ethics of getting involved

[Anonymous]

I wanted to bring this up with everyone else to get your thoughts. I am not entirely sure how to reach out to people when they are having church problems, but they aren’t faith/culture/history/doctrine problems. We get these people now and then, but there seems to have been a cluster of them recently. I am especially not sure about the ethics of getting involved and altering someone’s faith trajectory when they are having sexual problems and NOT faith problems. A more recent registration finally prompted me to post this, and I think it makes a really good example of what I mean:

Quote:

I’m a 31 year old single LDS male who has been a member all my life. I have

struggled with marriage because I can’t keep a temple recommend long enough

to date members of the church and find a good match. Once I tell the women

I don’t currently have a recommend they no longer want to date. I find that

non member women enjoy my company and I get along with them very well, but

I don’t want to marry a non member. I have a problem keeping a temple

recommend because I can’t fully quit masturbation. I make it months at a

time with no slip but 1 slip can lead to my recommend being taken away for

months as well. I don’t have an addiction to porn. I just can’t get any

relief from the constant sex drive and it builds and builds with no relief

in site. I find myself not being able to sleep, not being able to think

clearly and my appetite being VERY erratic when I go long periods of time

without masturbating.

My struggles with dating and marriage have made it hard on my membership in

the church and I have went less active and inactive a couple different

times now because of it.

So …

We have someone who wants to live the normal, traditional, orthodox life. They are not questioning the church directly (at least not in this short paragraph). But the answer I want to give him would be ethically questionable from that orthodox perspective: DUDE … LIE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES! Duh!

In fact, that answer might be the catalyst that alters their faith.

“Lie to your Bishop and Stake President. Tell them it isn’t a problem anymore. Keep your temple recommend. Get back out there and date, finally get married, and move on with a normal life.”

So what do we do in a situation like this?

Right now, this person is being driven borderline insane by an expectation and demand that is biologically impossible for a healthy human adult. It’s effecting his physical and social health. Most couples fool around a little bit before they get married, and they still waltz right on in to the temple without a whole lot of cog-dis about it. Most people do the thing he is stuggling with at times. Most Bishops are smart enough not to dig this deep and micromanage people’s personal sexuality. But that has not all “clicked” for this person.

Thoughts?

1. Our site is not a sex therapy site.

2. We help people with faith problems, not “repentence” problems. We don’t want to replace ecclesiastical functions.

3. Like the hypocratic oath “First, do no harm.” I don’t want to cause faith problems for someone that doesn’t have them.

[Anonymous]

Brian, I like your answer but agree maybe that’s not best for some people’s faith.

I don’t think this is appropriate for our site, as you said we’re not a sex therapy site.

We are not a 1-stop shop for all life problems. Its not even really appropriate for our site to address divorce issues like my personal issue, unless it is related to faith.

My suggestion is we filter these and moderate these and remove from or keep from our board.

In short, this dude needs help from a sex therapist that deals with addictive behaviors, not StayLDS help.

Let’s stick to our mission, and guide others elsewhere for the help they need.

[Author]

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