The “First Discussion” With My Wife

[Anonymous]

Heber13 wrote:

I really liked your approach. I think what you did well was confirm some things so she didn’t have to have fear it was all or nothing…that you were going to drastically change your home life. You sounded very caring about her…not just wanting to vomit all your thoughts out and have her deal with it.

If I were in your shoes, I’d be wondering how far you are wanting to go with it, and then if you NEED to talk about it or not.

For example, are you wanting to change things, that make it so it is better to start talking about this. Like you don’t want to pay tithing anymore, don’t want to go to 3 hours of church, don’t want to wear garments…so if you are wanting those changes…then ya…you should think about bringing some things up in a similar caring way you did before.

But if you simply have changing beliefs or views, but you will keep going to church and doing what you are doing now without any changes, then I say hold off the talks until something presents itself and the topic can be brought up in the context of a natural conversation where you can share your views.

Where do you see it going?

GodisLove wrote:

The biggest thing for me was that he was just as invested in our relationship and family as he was as a TBM.

This is very poignant. It hits home when it is creating fears or doubts on the commitment in the family at home. If it can be an item that isn’t going to change the commitment, it is less of an issue. Fear of the unknown can drive people to become very judgmental, accusatory, or have them go seek advice from a bishop (which ain’t good).

Thanks, I do think the approach I used worked well. I’m actually not wanting to change anything right now. I think what I was looking to do with this conversation was to share some things with my wife that I no longer wanted to keep secret from her. I share everything with her and I don’t want to keep secrets from her. I think I needed to let some things out because I felt as though they might burst. I also wanted to let her know that even if I no longer believed some of the church teachings that I still believe in the great things the church offers as a path for life. I did tell her that I wouldn’t stop believing in God or in Christ and she knows my testimony building experiences with God and Christ that have been separate from church experiences.

I will take your advice and wait for things to come up again in conversation.

[Anonymous]

I have thinking about this all day and really like how you are approaching things. When I look back on the last year the only part I would change is timing(our situation was a bit explosive because of callings) and the first words out of my mouth when I was told.

We were both in leadership and I could tell at every ward council he was ready to blow. At the time we had a (not even sure how to describe, because this doesn’t magnify the reality) zealot for a Bishop. We had some interesting moments though and still laugh at them. I have no doubt that him sharing any of his discovery and new belief would have landed him in a court or an approach to one. I don’t know how to link other topics, but read Cwalds story. We live where his family does. There are good people here, just so, so …..I don’t even know what to say.

If I wasn’t in every meeting about the “Rescue”, my husband’s name would be on it. We did get a new Bishop. He is kind but not a leader. He goes with the flow and that leaves uber controlling, “follow the prophet of our ward”, 1st counselor to lead. This part has been the most difficult because my husband’s activity change is drastic. He is attending Sacrament and helps me in Primary a lot. He is there to support me and the kids though, not the church. They are all a bit confused.

He is still the same person and I don’t feel like he is broken, so many others do. This isn’t a quick fix and it doesn’t just go away. He is angry and I understand where he is coming from. It is still difficult to hear someone treat or question his worthiness or dedication to his family, because I feel like he is more dedicated to us than ever before.

This has led to a pretty lonely path and we are on our own for sure. I think Roy mentioned that because you can discuss some things, doesn’t mean you are on the same page. Very, very true. I have some of my own issues right now but they aren’t the same as his. I do not think like him or have the same issues that annoy. This forum has been so good. The diversity of opinions has helped us both. We have had lots of discussion when it comes to change and I appreciate that my beliefs are still valued and probably heard more than they ever were.

[Anonymous]

GodisLove wrote:

I have thinking about this all day and really like how you are approaching things. When I look back on the last year the only part I would change is timing(our situation was a bit explosive because of callings) and the first words out of my mouth when I was told.

We were both in leadership and I could tell at every ward council he was ready to blow. At the time we had a (not even sure how to describe, because this doesn’t magnify the reality) zealot for a Bishop. We had some interesting moments though and still laugh at them. I have no doubt that him sharing any of his discovery and new belief would have landed him in a court or an approach to one. I don’t know how to link other topics, but read Cwalds story. We live where his family does. There are good people here, just so, so …..I don’t even know what to say.

If I wasn’t in every meeting about the “Rescue”, my husband’s name would be on it. We did get a new Bishop. He is kind but not a leader. He goes with the flow and that leaves uber controlling, “follow the prophet of our ward”, 1st counselor to lead. This part has been the most difficult because my husband’s activity change is drastic. He is attending Sacrament and helps me in Primary a lot. He is there to support me and the kids though, not the church. They are all a bit confused.

He is still the same person and I don’t feel like he is broken, so many others do. This isn’t a quick fix and it doesn’t just go away. He is angry and I understand where he is coming from. It is still difficult to hear someone treat or question his worthiness or dedication to his family, because I feel like he is more dedicated to us than ever before.

This has led to a pretty lonely path and we are on our own for sure. I think Roy mentioned that because you can discuss some things, doesn’t mean you are on the same page. Very, very true. I have some of my own issues right now but they aren’t the same as his. I do not think like him or have the same issues that annoy. This forum has been so good. The diversity of opinions has helped us both. We have had lots of discussion when it comes to change and I appreciate that my beliefs are still valued and probably heard more than they ever were.

I’m sorry for how things have gone for you and your husband. Timing is a difficult thing for something like this. I’m the Executive Secretary in our ward and I try to keep my spiritual thoughts and comments focused on God or Christ. Same goes for when I bear my testimony. I think I have an understanding Bishop, although I honestly don’t know how he would react if I were to talk to him about my struggles. I don’t see him as a “zealot”.

Yes, I know I’m not on the same page with my wife. We took a walk together after conference and discussed the talks that were given. I told her something that struck me was Uchtdorf’s talk on Saturday morning where he basically said the church (or church leaders) has/have made mistakes in the past. I brought it up as something to show that it confirmed our discussion a few weeks ago (without mentioning our previous conversation), that leaders are not perfect and have made mistakes. She basically said that I should stick my head in the sand (not her words) when it comes to the issues I’ve seen with the church history. I was disappointed, but I moved on to discuss some of the other talks.

[Anonymous]

Deepthinker wrote:

Yes, I know I’m not on the same page with my wife. We took a walk together after conference and discussed the talks that were given. I told her something that struck me was Uchtdorf’s talk on Saturday morning where he basically said the church (or church leaders) has/have made mistakes in the past. I brought it up as something to show that it confirmed our discussion a few weeks ago (without mentioning our previous conversation), that leaders are not perfect and have made mistakes. She basically said that I should stick my head in the sand (not her words) when it comes to the issues I’ve seen with the church history. I was disappointed, but I moved on to discuss some of the other talks.

There was a time some years ago that I thought DW was on the same page. I was out of state for a job for several months. She choose to attend another church (Baptist) because she felt the spirit there, the people were really friendly, and they had childcare during the service (she could actually listen to the sermon rather than juggle kids). During this time I shared with her quite openly. What I didn’t realize is that this was part of her coping mechanism for depression. In the ensuing years we have had several conversations where she has expressed hope that I will return to my earlier belief, wishes for me to work towards that, and feelings that my insistance that I can’t change back is a defeatist attitude.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve found more success working on being in a “mixed faith” marriage than thinking my wife will align with my views.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing your experience Roy. It does help to get many different perspectives. I think my situation right now is different from yours, although that could change.

For me, I’m looking to stay LDS for now. I see the good the church can bring into one’s life, I still believe in God and Christ even though I have a different view from most Mormons about some of the teachings and history of the church.

I’m trying to take things slowly and see how things progress as I try to take the middle way.

I had this discussion with my wife because I had to at least tell her I have some issues with the history of the church. I’m fine right now not going into detail about all the issues I have.

In some ways I wanted to make sure it was not too much of a surprise to her if I decide down the road that staying LDS is not working for me anymore.

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