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A friend of mine, who has been a middle way Mormon for 15 years, came to visit me yesterday. She lives about 5 houses down from me. I have known her for 8 years now. During this time she has never tried to be anyone she isn’t. She lived the “gospel” the way it fit for her. Not holding callings she wasn’t comfortable with, coming once or twice a month max, drinking coffee, being pretty honest on how free they are when making comments in RS. She has been an example to me the entire 8 years and now after my FC has been my hero because I want to learn how to live on my terms without the guilt. She came over to tell me that they are probably going to leave the church all together because the bishop wont let them live the middle way anymore. He is pressuring them to come more, do more. They Y/M’s presidency came over to fuss at their 12 year old that “he should know better and do his responsibilities”. The bishop made himself their home teacher and shows up weekly now to try to resolve her concerns. They have very open, honest and hard conversations and he still wont leave them alone. This made me want to RUN and scream.. and/or make sure I never am the Focus Family. I am not ready to have these hard conversations, but also, it doesn’t seem that they are listening at all. Our Bishop is the sweetest man! He really is. I am sure he is just terrified that they are not going to make it to the CK and it is his job, but why doesn’t he understand free agency. This kind of scared me of ever having him in my home. I don’t know how I would react. It cause conflicting feelings.
Just a few hours later, my TBM husband and I attended a High Priest social. We went the the BYU museum to see the “Sacred Gifts” of the Religious art of Carl Bloch, Heinrich Hofman and Frans Schwarts. It was INCREDIBLE! If you live in Utah, it is well worth the visit if you enjoy art. They will be at the museum until May. It may be a once in a life time opportunity to see these paintings in person in the US.
I felt so much love for these people in our group as we socialized (most who are at least 15 -20 years older than I am). No one brought up JS or BY or any doctrine. I just looked around the room and felt such love and admiration for these men and women. These are my people! And I had the desire to never leave the church completely or at least had the desire to never 100% separate myself from these good people. .. so will I be accepted as a middle way? or will I be forced to choose the way my friend seems to be forced? I am not on the radar at the moment b/c I go every Sunday and even teach a SS class. But sometimes I dont’ know how much longer I can do that. I can’t stand church! It is a much different experience than these social gatherings.
Anyway, maybe there will be the good, the bad and the ugly in everything.
Wow – what a day. I love the mercy you extend the Bishop, it is so easy to blame one person when a person we love (your neighbor) is hurt. You have a beautiful heart. The Carl Bloch and painters exhibit is probably so remarkable you have to see it to believe it. A few years ago, earlier in my faith crisis, when it wasn’t transition, it was panic I attended a Carl Bloch display on campus. Sitting on the chairs staring at his skilled paintings was a huge salve to my pain. The God my heart had created and hunted for, was depicted there, the parables and life depictions that had shaped my God faith were there. I remember feeling the first warmth I had in a long time as I meandered through the exhibit. I am pretty certain it was there that I nailed my final commitment to my testimony being about A Savior, A Loving God, and a hope for a more loving world.
And in the image of Christian from Pilgrims Progress, I let my burden of Joseph Smith and the mystique of Mormonism go. Someone else would have to carry that burden. I just wanted to be bound up in Christ.
I am glad you reminded me of that. It’s been a good week for memories on this board.
🙂 Thanks, Open, for this great post. My name is Tom and I am a convert and HP like your husband. I have experiences similar to what you described, except not as bad. My bishop also told me I was risking my salvation by becoming less active. I would’ve told him salvation doesn’t work like that but I wasn’t in a mood to explain a lot of things. I know the feeling of being among great members who are like the ones you describe. Some are TBMs who just don’t judge. Others are closet liberal Mormons. A few openly rebel by teaching the wrong kind of lessons or make comments questioning the Church. In fairness to bishops, I myself have felt occasional urges to get that gung-ho spirit and start pushing myself to put my shoulder to the wheel. These feelings are stronger in the company of the missionaries who are so innocent in their literal belief. And these feelings often motivate people to want to get others to feel the same thing. The intent is good, but it can do a lot of damage.
There is a place for moderation in the Gospel, and there is a place for extremism. The latter is called for in a very narrow context when there is an unmistakeable spiritual power that compels one to do things not halfheartedly but all the way, such as a sister serving a full-time mission or an investigator who takes the plunge to be baptized. In all other contexts, however, moderation is a virtue because it is the condition in which we are better able to see the need for all things in their proper place. There is a time to scale back and take a breather from the LDS treadmill. There is a time to study truth as seen by other systems like Buddhism. There is a time for extended solitude away from the distractions of the LDS social scene. And that way, we grow more and faster than by doing the same things over and over again for too long.
I probably would have looked the Bishop in the eye, smiled and said something like: Quote:I love you, Bishop. You’re a good man, and I know you are trying your best to help us. BUT, if you keep up this type of pressure, we probably will stop coming to church completely. I’m serious. Please love us enough to let us do this in our own way. We don’t want to leave, but we are getting close to feeling like we are being rejected for who we are and are being pushed out. Please, back off and let us do the best we can. We really don’t want to leave.
I’m fortunate that I have a Bishop who would never dream of pressuring anyone in that way. I know how blessed I am in that regard.
mom3 wrote:Wow – what a day. I love the mercy you extend the Bishop, it is so easy to blame one person when a person we love (your neighbor) is hurt. You have a beautiful heart.
The Carl Bloch and painters exhibit is probably so remarkable you have to see it to believe it. A few years ago, earlier in my faith crisis, when it wasn’t transition, it was panic I attended a Carl Bloch display on campus. Sitting on the chairs staring at his skilled paintings was a huge salve to my pain. The God my heart had created and hunted for, was depicted there, the parables and life depictions that had shaped my God faith were there. I remember feeling the first warmth I had in a long time as I meandered through the exhibit.
I am pretty certain it was there that I nailed my final commitment to my testimony being about A Savior, A Loving God, and a hope for a more loving world.And in the image of Christian from Pilgrims Progress,
I let my burden of Joseph Smith and the mystique of Mormonism go. Someone else would have to carry that burden. I just wanted to be bound up in Christ.I am glad you reminded me of that. It’s been a good week for memories on this board.
🙂 Thanks for the best compliment I could ever receive. I do love our bishop, he is a good man, as I believe most leaders are, even when they react/act in ways I don’t agree with. They are just doing what they believe to be best for our salvation and react out of fear which can blind them and cause the desire for control and co-dependent tendencies.
I love hearing about your beautiful experience with Carl Blochs art and that you let Christ carry that burden for you. I hope to reach that point someday. What a beautiful experience to come to a commitment and testimony about the Savior, a loving God and hope for a loving world. This is my hope as well. Thank you for sharing.
Curtis, that is a great response. I have shared this site with my friend and hope that she will feel comfortable posting here and getting great advice such as this.
Quote:Please love us enough to let us do this in our own way.
That is exactly the belief I have, love isn’t control or force. That is why I believe Gods best law is free agency. My husband and I often have discussions regarding letting our 13 year old have more freedom and agency regarding bedtime, hygiene, scouts, church etc…. He often gets frustrated that I am the good cop and he is the bad cop. Free agency is very important to me. It is a scary thing for my husband to see our kids “fail”. I don’t think we ever fail, but have experiences, sometimes we will all make hurtful decisions and get to experiences the consequences. I will admit that it seems to even harder for him since my FC.
I also am blessed, I suppose, to have a bishop who would never pressure anyone in any such way. Don’t misunderstand, that part is a blessing, despite his other faults. We, too, have struggled with the free agency idea as related to our children. I am a firm believer in free agency, and it fits incredibly well with my (deist) view of God’s nature. (Why did God allow the Holocaust? Because he won’t interfere with free agency. Almost everything that happens involves someone’s agency.) Anyway, as my thinking has evolved I have become less likely to interfere with or influence the decisions of our children while my TBM wife has become more likely to do so. I do understand that I’m not a god to our children, I’m a parent and there is a difference in “heavenly parents” and we normal everyday run-of-the-mill (real) parents. I really do believe that to an extent we as parents are are supposed to not allow full free agency among our children else we wouldn’t be doing our jobs as parents. I also realize there are extremes both ways on this. We are much better at it with number 4 than we were with number 1, but we do still struggle with it sometimes and as parents still have occasional disagreements on the subject.
To the bishop, I might give a response similar to the one Curtis suggests, or I might put it more simply and just say “I appreciate your concern, you are obviously a caring and loving person who is trying to do his best just like the rest of us. I’ll let you know when I need your help.”
opentofreedom wrote:I felt so much love for these people in our group as we socialized (most who are at least 15 -20 years older than I am). No one brought up JS or BY or any doctrine. I just looked around the room and felt such love and admiration for these men and women. These are my people! And I had the desire to never leave the church completely or at least had the desire to never 100% separate myself from these good people. ..
so will I be accepted as a middle way? or will I be forced to choose the way my friend seems to be forced?I am not on the radar at the moment b/c I go every Sunday and even teach a SS class. But sometimes I dont’ know how much longer I can do that. I can’t stand church! It is a much different experience than these social gatherings. I have these beautiful moments too, when I feel like I’m with my people and all’s well in the world, but, to be honest, they’re always tinged with the realization that if I were honest, things would be different. I’ll be very interested to hear more about how you proceed. Thanks for posting.
Ann wrote:
I have these beautiful moments too, when I feel like I’m with my people and all’s well in the world, but, to be honest, they’re always tinged with the realization that if I were honest, things would be different. I’ll be very interested to hear more about how you proceed. Thanks for posting.I agree Ann, it would be really different, which makes me want to stay in the closet forever.
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