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Since I moved my records back to my home ward I’ve gone completely inactive, but luckily I haven’t been contacted much by ward members. It’s been about a year, then today I got a call from my new HT! He used to be my Counselor at LDS Family Services when I admitted to my Bishop I wasn’t sure about my sexuality I was sent to him. He’s a great guy, but I’m not sure what to say to him now. I’m happy being inactive, I don’t want to come back to activity & I don’t want HT’s right now. How do I explain myself without becoming a project for my new ward?
Your explanation to us sounded good enough. It was honest, direct and nice. You said he’s a great guy that you like personally. They already know you are inactive. So tell him you are inactive. You are happy and fine. You don’t want to become a pet project for the ward. Tell him you like him personally (based on past experience), but you don’t really want regular HT’ers right now. Telling people what you want, directly, calmly and nicely with a smile, so they can understand you clearly, that works wonders
Let me challenge you though. If he’s a decent guy, would it really be the end of the world if he came by now and then to hang for a few minutes and you get to know each other? It really isn’t so bad expanding our social networks. It can be very positive. You don’t have to have a formal and stuffy HT relationship.
My best friend’s mom was a completely inactive Mormon who had become a member of the UU church instead. She was a divorced feminist who smoked like a chimney. My mom was assigned to be her VT. She told my mom she didn’t want any religious lessons (as a UU, she was somewhat new age / agnostic rather than Christian), but if my mom wanted to be friends, that would be welcome. My mom took her on her own terms, and although they had little in common, I grew to consider this woman to be like a second mother to me as a result. She is truly one of my favorite people on the planet. If she had just dodged my mom, or if my mom had been unwilling to be friends on her terms, this couldn’t have happened. Reasonable, caring people will respond to you on your terms. Brian Johnston wrote:Let me challenge you though. If he’s a decent guy, would it really be the end of the world if he came by now and then to hang for a few minutes and you get to know each other? It really isn’t so bad expanding our social networks. It can be very positive. You don’t have to have a formal and stuffy HT relationship.
I agree. Just set the terms of the visit such as no lessons. Remember this guy is just trying to do what he thinks is right, but whatever you do do not dodge his requests. If you really do not want visits then just be honest and say so.
I can’t have formal HT’ers come over to my house. My wife is still very emotional and angry about the Church (she no longer believes). The result of a formal visit creates the opposite of what they would like to accomplish — we fight afterward and it totally chases away any trace of spirituality from our home. This may be too bold for a lot of people, but I just told my HTers how it was in my last ward. I knew they guys and considered them friends. I told them, as the “priesthood leader” in my home, that the best way to serve my family was to pray for us once a month. I told them if they prayed for me and my family, and made efforts to ask me how I was doing when they saw me in Church, that they were completing their assignment as my home teachers (they should report it as such in their HT report when asked). It worked out just fine that way.
My father was the HT for years of a man who didn’t live in our ward. My dad was the only person who would sit on his porch, talk about his famliy, chide him gently about his drinking and not preach a sermon or try to get him to church. Ask your new HT very directly to come over as a friend and just help in whatever way you want him to help. After all, that’s what we say HT is supposed to be.
Thank You all for responding! I called him back and left him a message!
Thanks for the challenge Brian, I’m going to take you up on it! I’m just leary because my last HT’s were very by the book and thought it was their job to ensure their teachee’s believed just the way that they did.. and used the time to voice their views on what I should be doing with my life. Prior to them I have always had great HT’s and I’m hoping this time is no different! Though I will have to ask that if they bring a lesson it’s a general one on faith or charity!
hawkgrrrl, Awesome Story! I hope to follow the example of your Mom!
Ray, that’s exactly what HT should be!
Old-Timer wrote:chide him gently about his drinking
I apologize for having a sore spot about this, but I suppose revealing my sore spot may allow others to see me mercifully. I have never had an alcoholic drink. But since drinking is socially acceptable, and was done by Jesus, Joseph Smith, and many, many more saints and sages, I don’t think it is helpful to chide anybody about it in any way. Drinking is perfectly acceptable. Chiding about it–unless it’s done to efface our own religious idiosyncrasies–is inappropriate.
“Hey, Bill, what is it about me that when I see you drinking the first thought that comes to me is to give you a hard time about it?”
I think that style of chiding could possibly be helpful.
Tom, this man wasn’t a drunk, but he drank far more than was good for him and used money to drink that the family should have been using on food and clothes. This man understood and accepted it from my father because they were good friends. That’s my main point:
My dad was his HT, but he was his friend first. He served him as the man wanted and was willing to be served – including gentle chiding about his drinking.
Old-Timer wrote:his drinking
My bad. I applied the general case. Please forgive.
Nothing to forgive, friend.
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