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So in my call with my mom today, the subject of dating outside the church came up. This really made her scared. I’ve brought it up with my dad before and he seemed to be okay with it. But yeah… I’ve been thinking about things lately really trying to figure out if it’s important to
meto get married in the temple. Yeah sure, I’d like to get sealed at some point, preferably in this life, but I’ve realized that what’s important to me is that I find someone who is supportive of my beliefs- and I will be supportive of whatever she chooses to believe. Honestly, if I were to make marrying within the church a priority, it wouldn’t be for me, it would be for my mom. If it happens that way, great. If not, I can live with it. All else being equal, I would choose a member over a non-member, but given the choice between a good LDS girl and an awesome non-LDS girl, I would probably choose the non-LDS girl. What good is being married to someone for eternity if there is someone you would rather be with now? An eternity of an “okay” person is not as good as 60 years with an “awesome” person IMO. Better yet, I’ll hope the 60 years of awesome becomes an eternity of awesome.
I think of “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost. I noticed members like to look at the road not traveled as joining the church, but when you’re raised in the church, the road not taken is separating the gospel from the church and then living the gospel but not the culture. The road not taken is marrying outside the church. It’s not right for most people and most who try end up getting hurt by it. I recognize that. I know the risks. I’m willing to take them.
I just fear that when the time comes to introduce that special someone to my mother, I will not get support from her unless she’s LDS.
I have to admit I would be much more OK with my son dating outside the church than my daughter. Probably says more about me than anything else. LH, care to elaborate? I can’t speak for your mother, of course, but only myself. At one point, my daughter approached me about dating a young man who was not a member of the Church. Now, my daughter was active and attending church and didn’t have any real issues with the Church (that’s an important point). She just found this young man fun and attractive and he liked her. I pointed out to her that his standards were different (she admitted that he liked partying and had called her up drunk one time) and is this a relationship that she really wanted to pursue? When you date, you may fall in love and eventually marry (though I recognize that the one doesn’t necessarily follow the other). So I asked some more questions: he probably won’t attend Church with you, are you okay with that? Will he be okay with you attending and your children attending? Even if you don’t marry, what kinds of activities will you be doing together? Are you okay with those? She quickly came to her own conclusion that it just wasn’t a good idea.
So my main objection was not dating outside the Church, it was some of the essential differences in values and goals they obviously had. If she had said to me that she was okay with all of that (particularly if she wasn’t active in Church), I’d have said “It’s up to you” and let the chips fall where they may.
So perhaps your mother’s concern has more to do with an understanding of the potential for conflict that differences in a couple can bring about. Marriage is challenging even when you have LOTS in common (ask the myriad of Mormon couples that have divorced) but when differences are even more profound, a successful marriage may be hard to achieve.
Just something for you to think about.
Of course. Compatibility of goals/values/standards is key, regardless of religious beliefs. It’s a matter of using good judgement. I just don’t want to rule out any possibilities if I don’t have to; I’m not saying I’m going to exclusively date outside the church. Even with my heterodoxy, there is probably a larger proportion of LDS women who will be compatible with me than non-LDS women. And in all reality, my heterodoxy is really just the rejection of cultural Mormonism. Beefster wrote:
LH, care to elaborate?
In a word, “Standards”
Young women are thought to be biologically and culturally geared towards committed relationships, love, loyalty, family, and children.
The church is seen to have a domesticating affect on men.
1) Women have historically been seen as the gatekeepers for sexual activity. As a father of a daughter, I believe that there is a fear of a young man pressuring the girl into sexual activity. He may break up with her is he doesn’t get what he want. Even worse, she may give in and he may still break up with her after he gets what he wants.
2) Even if they get married there is the fear that a man without the LDS background may be less involved with parenting and child rearing and more likely to hang out at the bar or the sports field and more likely to be unfaithful.
Yes, there are plenty of generalities expressed in the above statement and I have brother in laws that are not members and are wonderful partners and fathers. However, I believe that I have accurately described the fear (at least for me).
Beefster wrote:
Of course. Compatibility of goals/values/standards is key, regardless of religious beliefs.
Yes, I believe that this is the key. However, I believe it is at least worth considering….
If I married her, would I still go to church?
Would she go with me?
Would I take the kids?
Would they get baptized?
No easy answers or right way of doing things. These differences might start to matter more once children enter the picture.
I am less worried about my son getting date raped. I’ve never dated *in* the church. I am in a complicated situation right now with a woman outside the church. Difficult to see where it’s going. Certain one of the more puzzling relationships I’ve been in.
LookingHard wrote:
I am less worried about my son getting date raped.
Horrible but true. And not to become pregnant – although if the other half does…
Tongue in cheek time: Quote:The idea of dating outside the church scares my mom
Then she probably shouldn’t date outside the church.
Consider the future. Do you envision living more with your mom or a significant other?
Both tongue in cheek but I was also trying to make a point. Your decisions, you live with them.
I’ve given up the idea that God is going to split up loving, happily married couples (and families) in the next life unless they are one of the 0.5% who participated in certain rituals. That doesn’t really help me, since I was married in the temple, but maybe it helps you. Joni wrote:
I’ve given up the idea that God is going to split up loving, happily married couples (and families) in the next life unless they are one of the 0.5% who participated in certain rituals. That doesn’t really help me, since I was married in the temple, but maybe it helps you.
I figure proxy sealings have that covered. It’s not even really an issue in my mind.And considering I believe that
a lot morepeople than we think (an overwhelming majority) will go to the CK… Yup. Even less of an issue. (Note that the wording for ‘non-valiant’ TerK denizens is “not valiant in their testimony of Jesus”, not so much a matter of obedience.) My mom has told me it would make her mad if I married outside the temple, but that’s the kind of hardline orthodox person she is. She’d get over it, especially if we got sealed later, but my mom is not a point of support I can count on with this issue.
In all reality, I’d be much more likely to find a girl with similar values within the church even though so many people feel like cookie cutters at first impression. Seems like that’s a much bigger problem in Utah than in Denver.
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