The Morning After

[Anonymous]

Yesterday evening I drove up to the mountains, looked down on the valley, and wept as the sun went down.

Something about this policy decision felt very final to me–like this was it–this was the last straw for me and the Church. I held it together at work, and then drove up to the mountains straight after–saying somberly to the Church, “Goodbye, faith of my fathers, faith of my mothers, faith of my childhood.”

I’m a Millenial Mormon woman who wants to be happy and make a difference in the world. I have increasingly felt over the years that I cannot be the best version of myself while being a part of this church—-that to be fulfilled, I’m going to have to cut off my arm–because as much as I love this Church, as much as it’s apart of my very soul, I can’t walk the line anymore. It doesn’t work for me.

Once I got up to the mountains, I did something I haven’t done in a long time—I verbally poured my heart out to God. Not to say I haven’t been praying, I pray to God for help every night. But this was different–this was me putting it all out there.

The questions, the frustrations, the tears—wondering if I’m on the wrong path, if I’ve led myself astray, if I’ve doomed myself for eternity.

Something strange happened. I’m not going to pretend I know exactly what it was. I don’t want to say it was peace, but maybe it was. But I felt something that said I was okay. That I was going to be okay. It wasn’t a confirmation that I need to stay in this Church that I need to leave or anything like that. It wasn’t telling me which way to go, I just felt like things would be alright. Not to say that I won’t experience pain in the future regarding this—I know it’s coming. But something felt like, “University, things are as they should be” for my life and choices.

Today I have a massive headache and a swollen face but I feel like I’ve made it through something awful–I’ve made it through a night that I’m probably I’m going to remember for the rest of my life. The pain is still there, but I’ve survived.

Wanted to share.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing. In truth I think that most often what people interpret as revelation from the Holy Ghost is just what you experienced – speaking peace to you as an individual. It is a manifestation of God’s love for you, IMO. I also think that these experiences are often misinterpreted as something they are not.

[Anonymous]

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

I don’t want to say it was peace, but maybe it was. But I felt something that said I was okay. That I was going to be okay. It wasn’t a confirmation that I need to stay in this Church that I need to leave or anything like that. It wasn’t telling me which way to go, I just felt like things would be alright. Not to say that I won’t experience pain in the future regarding this—I know it’s coming. But something felt like, “University, things are as they should be” for my life and choices.

I think what you’re describing is peace. Or serenity. Or acceptance. Or whatever you want to call it. It’s one of the best feelings in life.

[Anonymous]

turinturambar wrote:

Quote:

I don’t want to say it was peace, but maybe it was. But I felt something that said I was okay. That I was going to be okay. It wasn’t a confirmation that I need to stay in this Church that I need to leave or anything like that. It wasn’t telling me which way to go, I just felt like things would be alright. Not to say that I won’t experience pain in the future regarding this—I know it’s coming. But something felt like, “University, things are as they should be” for my life and choices.

I think what you’re describing is peace. Or serenity. Or acceptance. Or whatever you want to call it. It’s one of the best feelings in life.

I agree. Thanks for sharing. My experience similar to this (triggered by a different event) also created more courage in me. I began to see the question of staying in the church as secondary to weightier, more satisfying things. Not unimportant, just not most important.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing the experience. It’s good to have a testimony of the night becoming darkest right before dawn (even though the day/night cycle is reversed in your story).

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing this university.

I had a similar feeling once and I still cling to it now years later. It feels as though all of the stuff that we fret about can be washed away and it is till ok…we are still ok.

[Author]

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