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….. Thank you for your comments to each of you. To protect privacy of a very personal nature I have removed it. Thank you again.
Oh, Forgotten Charity, I am so sorry those horrific things happened to you. No one should endure the kind of abuse you have endured. It’s immoral and inhumane. I’m no one to give you advice so just take this as me offering the best suggestions I can think of based on your post.
1. Take the advice of trustworthy mental health professionals even if they tell you to take a break from church. GOD WILL UNDERSTAND. I promise!
2. Include your spouse in the mental health process whether that’s including her in some counseling sessions or simply coming home and talking through the therapist’s advice then inviting her to help you implement techniques you’ve learned in therapy.
3. Don’t be afraid to take a break from the people and situations that trigger your stress and anxiety.
Please know that you are loved! I love you and I have no doubt that, like me, other members of this board are concerned for you and want you to find peace through recovery.
MnG
That is extreme. I have heard of similar things at the home level, but I have never heard of it at a church level. I don’t know one person well who would suggest such things; everyone I know well would be appalled. Given how extreme it was, I agree with m&g. Take a break for as long as you need to work on being healed. God absolutely will understand.
If going to church causes you to hurt yourself in any way, stop going. Your spouse should understand if kept in the loop. I am very familiar with self harm, so please get help and don’t worry about God or church. God for sure should be good with that and the leaders at church should be but if these guys are the same one when the abuse took place then run from there as fast as you can. I am so sorry for the abuse you have suffered. No one should have to endure such things. Your post really touched my heart. I agree with what others have said, by all means take a break. The suggestion that you include your wife in the therapy is good also, I think – let her hear the suggestion from the therapist. If it’s a matter of confidence in your therapist or you think the therapy isn’t ever going to help, maybe you could try someone different.
I also wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your story. It is tragic what happened to you and how it has affected you. I agree with the advice already given. I don’t know if there is a God, but if there is, there is no way this evil was done with God’s approval. God would want you to heal and would not want a church using God’s name to continue to harm you. Please take a break from church. Ignore the teachings of guilt and shame, they are wrong. If prayer helps you, focus on that and try to feel love from God and from those who treat you right. I used to hurt myself because of past trauma issues. I had to take a break from the situations that triggered me and caused me hurt. After I’d had years to heal, I was able to gradually re-introduce some of those situations. I could see them in a new light, and was strong enough to set boundaries to protect myself. Until then, I needed space. I would listen to your therapist. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to give up on church forever. (You may or may not. Either way, I think God understands.) But protecting yourself comes first.
Talk to your wife. Include her in your healing process. Having my husband understand and help with healing and boundaries did so much good.
Sending prayers your way.
I am probably more confused than most people here so what i think might have little relevance. Take what I have to say for what it is worth. I believe many of us have emotionally abused ourselves. Whenever we felt like we were not living up to the standards, we would subject ourselves to self imposed punishments… More prayer, more study, more attendance, more service, more fast offering etc. The understanding that has come to me is that no matter how hard we work, we cannot make it. We were never intended to make it on our own. If the whole plan is real, christ already did it for us.
I agree with the others. Don’t keep going to the pain. You are worth more than that.
I too am sorry to hear this. It sounds like your parents took things they heard at church and made them extreme. I am very sorry! I agree with others. If JS was right — that “happiness is the object and design of our whole existence”, then when CHURCH becomes a trigger for depression, unhappiness or other peace-disturbing experiences, then it is wholly appropriate to take a break — particularly when the triggers are the actions of other people.
My church experience triggered depression. I lasted through it, tried to make it work, and got over it. Another event triggered more depression, and I finally had enough. I am SO much happier now with an arm’s length relationship with the church. So much happier. Do what is necessary to preserve your inner peace. Sometimes it can mean coming to terms with the circumstances that led to the abuse you describe so you can remain active. But if after repeated attempts, this does not alleviate the turmoil, I think it’s wholly acceptable to find new ways of preserving your inner peace.
There are always costs associated with reducing Church face-time. One is the impact on spouse and family – that is why I would recommend fully involving your spouse in whatever decision you make.
Individuals come first in my view. A church of unhappy individuals who find angst in their church experience is not a happy church.
Forgotten_Charity What you describe is very extreme. I agree that most people would abhor the methods used.
I believe that the people that subjected you to this thought in some twisted way that they were doing the right thing. I have seen LDS teenagers torment a young boy (5-ish) for having long hair. When the boy’s parents finally took him to the barber – the teenagers felt that they had done him some sort of favor.
With parents also there can sometimes be a misguided sense of “you’ll thank me for this later.”
I also believe that there is some element in the church that the ends justify the means. We talk alot about free agency and choice and then sometimes in the same sentence pretend that the only choice that is valid is the LDS choice.
I am not trying to excuse this behavior at all – I’m just saying that I can see where some individuals get to their extreme conclusions based upon some trends in our common culture.
Also – none of that amount to a hill of beans in deciding to subject yourself to such harmful triggers. Please strive to make the healthiest choice for you. This will be a blessing to the lives of those closest to you.
your friend,
Roy
……. Separate yourself for however long enough it takes to get a handle on your issues. First, I have known a lot of traditional, conservative members in my life, but none of them would have said what your High Councilor said. I know there are people like that who would say it, but it’s another case of extremism that most people don’t have to deal with. I’m sorry you have to do so.
The example of Elder Bednar’s comment is instructive. It is no surprise, given your background, that his attempt at humor not only doesn’t work for you but actually is harmful. He obviously didn’t mean to suggest coercion as a real option (and I am sure he would be horrified if he knew the effect of his words on you), but your experiences were so powerful that the simple reference brought back terrible memories and clouded your ability to be objective to any degree. That’s not your fault – not at all. It’s just your reality right now.
Right now, you are the #1 priority. Do what you need to do to build strength and peace and closure within yourself.
Finally, it’s not healthy to hide this from your spouse. I have no idea how or when you can let down the wall, but work with your therapist toward that goal, whenever it is best for it to happen.
Know that everyone here cares and will be praying for / thinking about you and hoping you can continue to move toward a place of peace.
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