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Chapter one describes a husband and wife that nearly despise one another. There have been no affairs nor other wholesale betrayals, just the accumulated bitterness of years lived without forgiveness. (About halfway through the first chapter I was already more grateful for DW.) This is the perfect introduction because this book is all about enabling married persons to choose forgiveness. The peacegiver accomplishes this in 3 major parts (neatly categorized in the index)
1st) Through the obscure OT story of Abigail, the author presents an interesting concept. Jesus already paid for the sins of our partners. He took them upon himself. Now Jesus figuratively stands before us and asks us to forgive Him of these vicariously assumed sins. It is harder to deny forgiveness to your personal savior.
2nd) Jonah and Ninevah- God forgives people who don’t deserve forgiveness. Otherwise we would stand condemned as much as our spouses, for we have all sinned and are equally undeserving of mercy.
3rd) Satan has his tentacles on each of us. When we withhold forgiveness, it reinforces his hold on us and makes it increasingly difficult to choose forgiveness next time. At first I didn’t like this part because it seemed like a scare tactic and I’m not so sure I believe in Satan. But upon further reflection, I remembered the example of an Aunt & Uncle. Aunt relayed to me and DW how their marriage had hit a rough patch recently and then Uncle was called into the bishopric. Interestingly enough his call actually improved the relationship even as it placed increased burdens on this couple’s already limited time. Aunt theorized that Satan had been trying to interfere with this important calling, perhaps trying to give them justification to refuse the call. IMO this belief in Satan bacame a type of scapegoat, allowing all the blame to be placed on this external menace.
😈 (I know the concept of a scapegoat currently has a negative connotation. I am reminded of the ancient Israel practice wherein a priest would confer all the peoples sins upon the goat and send it out of town.) IMO applying this principle to marriage, can also lead to an increased sense of unity and solidarity in the relationship – a sort of “us vs. them” mentality.Everyone needs forgiveness, both to receive it and to practice giving it. While it is important to forgive strangers we may never see again and are unaware of our grudge, it is much more important to forgive those we love and plan to live with FOREVER! I am grateful for the concepts and mental constructs presented in The Peacegiver that allow me to more easily bypass my pride and choose the path of forgiveness.
I love this book (and all the Arbinger books, which are somewhat related)! “Should not I forgive Carol?” That question still brings a fullness to my eyelids.
This book taught me the deeper meaning of atonement. I think that for those who are ready to see it, the book opens up a whole new world in which as the children of Christ, we are called to atone as he did and as Abigail did, taking freely upon ourselves the sins of those who have offended us. Extremely powerful stuff.
This book just found it’s way into our home. Sounds interesting, something I can probably benefit from. I think forgiveness of an event in the past is one thing, something a person should not carry around with them, but let go.
Forgiveness for ongoing things…that is hard to know if these principles apply?????
I wasn’t a fan of the way this book was written – the style of teaching through the fictional narrative of a grandfather (if I recall correctly) returning from the spirit world to teach his grandson lessons about making marriage work. HOWEVER…
I loved what I learned reading this book! The message about how to practically apply the atonement to our relationships changed my life.
The most significant thing I learned came from the retelling of the story of David, Nabal, and Abigail. Abigail becomes a type of Christ in this story, interceding on behalf of Nabal but also saving David from sinning in anger. What occurred to me as I read the vivid description of this account was the physical placement of each of these characters. Abigail was physically in between Nabal and David. For years, I had tried to forgive others without complete success because I had the characters in the wrong place. It was like my offender was before me and Christ was behind me. I received mercy from Christ so I would turn and offer it to my offender. With this positioning the weight of forgiveness rested on my shoulders alone. As I turned to forgive my offender, my back was to Christ and all I could see was the person who had hurt me.
The story of Abigail put Christ between me and my offender so that I had to look at Christ instead of the one who’d hurt me. There in front of me, arms outstretched and exuding unconditional love, was my Savior saying “upon me let this iniquity be”. I could see the love He had for my offender as well as the love He had for me and I couldn’t even look at my offender without seeing the face of the Lord. Only after applying this principle to all my relationships was I able to completely experience a change of heart toward all my fellowmen.
The Peacegiver facilitated this revelation. I can’t say enough good about it.
I couldn’t have said it better, and I didn’t, M&G. You took the time to express what I experienced and scarcely knew I was experiencing. mercyngrace wrote:The story of Abigail put Christ between me and my offender so that I had to look at Christ instead of the one who’d hurt me. There in front of me, arms outstretched and exuding unconditional love, was my Savior saying “upon me let this iniquity be”. I could see the love He had for my offender as well as the love He had for me and I couldn’t even look at my offender without seeing the face of the Lord. Only after applying this principle to all my relationships was I able to completely experience a change of heart toward all my fellowmen.
This is a really good thought. That gives me much to take in and think about. Thanks for sharing, I will make it a goal for me to spend time on this very thought.
What was your take on how the book used the phrase “a type of Christ”? What exactly does that mean to you?
Heber13 wrote:mercyngrace wrote:The story of Abigail put Christ between me and my offender so that I had to look at Christ instead of the one who’d hurt me. There in front of me, arms outstretched and exuding unconditional love, was my Savior saying “upon me let this iniquity be”. I could see the love He had for my offender as well as the love He had for me and I couldn’t even look at my offender without seeing the face of the Lord. Only after applying this principle to all my relationships was I able to completely experience a change of heart toward all my fellowmen.
This is a really good thought. That gives me much to take in and think about. Thanks for sharing, I will make it a goal for me to spend time on this very thought.
What was your take on how the book used the phrase “a type of Christ”? What exactly does that mean to you?
Heber,
I’m not sure the book used that phrase – that is how I interpreted the message. What that means to me is that she symbolically represented Christ in the interaction between David and Nabal and the account serves as a metaphor for how the atonement practically works.
Quote:The story of Abigail put Christ between me and my offender so that I had to look at Christ instead of the one who’d hurt me.
Beautiful. Simply stunning, really.
I don’t want to post links to this site on my personal blog, for obvious reasons, I think, but do you mind if I quote your comment as “something a friend once shared with me”?
Ray, Of course. Check your inbox.
MnG
I just ordered the book. The online reviews are very high, I’m looking forward to reading it. I can honestly say that this book was a life changer for me. I was married but not very happy and I think he felt the same way. After Ichanged instead of worrying about his “sins”– BAM married life became so much better, happier, richer and more fulfilling. I remember the exact moment when I had to decide, after reading the book, to forgive some perceived slight against me (again!). I lay in bed and felt actual physical pain at the thought of reaching out and forgiving unconditionally. But I did it! Yep, changed my life. I’m not perfect and neither is he, of course, but he’s changed because I’m different. Soooo much better.
I’ve read it at least twice and this is a good reminder that I need to probably do it again. I love the Abigail story.
Totally forgot to add that I also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this book. Along with “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom, “The Peacegiver” is one of my all-time favorites.
mercyngrace wrote:The story of Abigail put Christ between me and my offender so that I had to look at Christ instead of the one who’d hurt me. There in front of me, arms outstretched and exuding unconditional love, was my Savior saying “upon me let this iniquity be”. I could see the love He had for my offender as well as the love He had for me and I couldn’t even look at my offender without seeing the face of the Lord. Only after applying this principle to all my relationships was I able to completely experience a change of heart toward all my fellowmen.
I experienced a similar adjustment in my forgiveness stance in reading this book and attempting to apply it. Thank you for describing it so beautifully.
I had not heard of this book until I saw it referenced a few times in postings on this site. My list of books to be read has grown both in terms of size and quality since I began visiting this site, I am thankful for that.
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